[jennyplain]

I have somewhat limited experience with guys (or at least long term relationships), but I will say that every boyfriend and/or date I've ever had came when I was heavy - mostly because I've never not been heavy. The single factor linking all of them is that when I met those various guys, I felt good about myself for one reason or another. Maybe it was a new outfit, the way my hair was cut, or something else entirely, but I can say that for me, 100% of the time, I've met or hooked up with guys on a night when I felt like a million bucks.

Ha, it's funny, this thread has just made me realize that!

[jewelrymaker81]

Hmmm...that's very interesting Jenny! Sounds like I need a haircut and to go shopping! haha

[PeanutsMom704]

I'm not sure I'd agree that in a perfect world, looks, and more specifically weight, wouldn't matter. Humans are designed for physical attraction, but fortunately, we are also designed to have our own personal standards for who we find attractive. I don't think I'm overly shallow or anything, but no, I don't find every man I've ever met attractive, not even if they are nice. So I don't have an issue with them finding some women attractive, but not others. Or finding me more attractive when I'm thinner - ****, I think I'm more attractive then too!! lol!

[ShylahEQ]

I'd say to try to become friends with him now. You admitted you weren't really friends to begin with. The physical is what people see first, but let him get to know you. You might be surprised.

I understand how you feel though. I appreciate a physically well built man myself (hello Ryan Reynolds), but I tend to fall for the chubbier guys(aka Kevin Smith who my hubby resembles We all just have our own tastes!

[BeachBreeze2010]

I agree with you 110%! I am an amazing person that he should be honored to be married to. If he doesn't feel that way regardless of my weight, then I don't want him. I'd rather be single. My ideal partner description doesn't include weight or appearance. Those things don't matter anyway. I completely realize that I am the exception.

Here's a story:

When I was in high school I was about a size 9. Not super skinny, but not overweight either. I didn't care what my hair or makeup looked like and most of the time didn't dress to flatter my shape. I had a lot of friends from all sides of the cafeteria, so to speak, and all of them liked me for me. I spoke to the super popular guys occassionally, but it was something I always avoided. Anyway, after high school, I lost a little weight down to a size 5 and was pretty thin. I started dressing different and taking better care of myself. I went to a party at my college and happenned to run into a few of those popular guys. They just couldn't stop going on and on about how great I looked. I was so hurt that I went home and cried and still haven't forgotten it. I realize it's an example of immaturity and not directly related to weight, but having someone interested in you that previously pretended not to notice is uncomfortable at best regardless of why they ignored you.

[goldferris]

I might have an unpopular opinion. Let's see.

I think of it this way:

When you lose weight and are down to your goal, I imagine you look at yourself and think, "Wow! I look so much better! I like the way I am now way better than when I was fat!" It's perfectly normal and common.

So then why should it be bad if someone else has a similar reaction? You can like yourself better now but it's bad if they do too? Forgive me, but that seems just a tad hypocritical.

I agree that it can be lame if someone thought you were hideous before and suddenly wants on, but I think in most cases it's just that you weren't *noticed* until you lost weight. And since you (and all of us or we wouldn't be here) like yourself better thin and healthy, it should be okay that someone else does too.

[rakel]

I never dated in high school, but I was very down on myself, even when I wasn't *that* overweight (size 14/16). Looking back at pictures... I could see that I was a beautiful girl, but I did not take any pride in my appearance. Part of that was due to the fact that I grew up with a lot of second-hand clothing and didn't have a lot of money... but it was also just my confidence level.

I met my husband on the internet. I'm not quite sure how that happened, but he saw a picture of me and thought I was really cute (and I was pretty heavy at the time, around 250-260lbs). I wonder if we would have still fell in love if we met in person... he thinks so, and he's probably right. But over the internet I felt like I could be myself more, and was very flirtatious, which I may have been more nervous/meek in person. I was worried that maybe the photos he saw didn't encompass my weight issue and that if he met me he would be shocked... so I made sure to send him some very honest pictures and he was not phased... the meeting went well and here I am 6 years down the road. And it's not like he didn't have plenty of girls to choose from. He had several girls ask him out, but he declined in favor of me.

From his words, he still finds me attractive, but he's concerned about my health, as well he should be. He's also concerned about being obese and pregnant, and would like to see me lose some weight before we TTC.

SO... can you find someone out there who loves you no matter what you weigh? Yes! Just be yourself... and lose weight for your health. Love can find you no matter what size you are. And, if you lose the weight, find someone, and then end up gaining weight back I'm sure they would still love you. They might press you to lose weight for your health, but I think that it's pretty apparent that sometimes our beauty fades as we grow older... love becomes a deeper connection than just physical.

I was lucky that I found my love when I was 18 years old... but I know some people who are over 35 and still haven't found that special someone... some fat, some thin.

[jigglefree]

Guess I'll weigh in (no pun intended). I have been heavy all my life but because I was always told by my parents I was wonderful I believed it. I was always myself. No pretentiousness and no trying to be something I wasn't. Me being a big girl, liked athletic men and that was all I dated. I was heavy so it wasn't good for us both to be. I was athletic and confident bordering on arrogant. If a guy was thick with no definition tried to get my number, I wouldn't give it to him. But if you have a physical preference, it's okay.

On the other hand, acting like what's not on the inside of you is very easy to notice. My husband picked me because he loved my confidence and my self reliance but I wasn't selfish. Thin and beautiful don't have to go together. There is a lot of thin and ugly out there too. Give a man a chance to get to know you. Trust when I tell you there is someone looking at you wanting to get to know you but you haven't noticed him.

[caryesings]

I have very real life experience with this.

My current beau and I have a very romantic story about how we met. Basically my 50th birthday gift was delivered to his home because I was out of town which made him realize there was a 50 year old single woman in the neighborhood and checked me out when I got home (saw me in the yard raking leaves), introduced himself...we've been together since November.

I had already lost 50 lbs when we "met" (will explain the quotes in a minute) and have lost another 20 since. He was complimenting me on the 20 lb. weight loss last week but commented that it didn't matter to him as he loves me for reasons other than my body (which ironically is still way bigger than any woman he has ever dated), that he was "attracted to my soul". I had to call him on it and let him know we had actually been introduced 18 months before as living in the neighborhood and that I didn't even register in his mind as a woman enough to ask me which house I lived in.

He was stunned, but one thing I love about this guy is his willingness to examine things like this and he realized I was likely right, as he figures fat would have been the only reason that he could think of that he wouldn't have noticed me as he finds me beautiful even though he really doesn't like fat girls in any way (even though can't keep his hands off my technically still obese form!).

So this led to further discussion and he realizes that even as attractive as he finds me now, if he was 33 instead of 53 he would not have pursued me as he can remember feeling as a young man that he was judged by the "quality" of his SO, and a guy who dated a fat girl was settling. Wow, as much as I always felt this was going on, it was refreshing to hear a man actually admit it.

[jewelrymaker81]

Wow, that is awesome that he was able to admit it, and talk about it with you. You guys have a great story!

[caryesings]

Thanks, when I tell the romantic story about the mis-delivered gift resulting in a man delivering himself to my front yard, I leave out the non-romantic "looked right through me" when we were introduced 18 months before that.

[marigrace]

I don't consider myself to be too superficial,but I am 59 so I can speak from experience. Looks are very important to men. They are much more visually oriented than women are.... and that is just a biological fact. The good news is that there are some other factors that play into this. For one, self confidence is really the most attractive trait in any person of any gender (and no, you can't pretend yourself into that one). And also, physical beauty is always tempered by inner beauty. That's why when someone gorgeous is mean or conceited, etc, their looks seem to lose their impact. Wouldn't it be great to be yourself, and be loved for who you are,and also know the power that comes from being physically desirable ?

[kiahna23]

Originally Posted by jewelrymaker81

People say that all the time - love yourself and people will love you, just be confident, blah blah blah. Really? Is that really all I have to do? Act like I believe I'm thin and beautiful? I just don't buy it, but everyone says it. I dress well, I fix myself up, I pay attention to the fit of my clothes, I "carry myself" well (at least I've always been told that), I'm not high-maintenance, I'm not an airhead, I'm not clingy. What else? What can I really do to make my personality outshine my fat? I don't think it exists girls, I don't think there's a magic formula for this. Guys like thin, that's all there is to it. Where are our guys? I need a man's opinion in here! Sorry, I know this didn't start out as a I'm-so-lonely-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me rant, and it's sort of turned into one!

I agree with your post. Its just sad that people would make themselves different based on "what a man wants". smh. Not saying the one who started the post is doing it. Media and family and friends shape your view of the world and it is up to us to have our own minds. I would never fix my mouth to say :I dont blame a man for not wanting me because Im fat". People can be very one sided you know? Beauty is one sided in this twisted country. I say find a man who loves you for you and there are LOTS of men who prefer bigger women. They have clubs for it! Yes they have clubs where you have to be a certain weight. My aunt who is over weight goes. Its hard because life in this nation tells us what is beautiful and we fall for it. Its hard to be you. I agree that health should be an issue but I think fat shouldnt be treated like a virus that contagious. And not every overweight person has low self-esteem. Its not your confidence and I agree with you on the fact that there is nothing you can do to make the world love what they have been brain washed to hate. smh.

[starfishkitty]

I absolutely agree with you. Now that I've lost weight, some of my guy friends are starting to be like "Oh heeeey... lookin goooood...", etc.. and it just does nothing for me really. I am more than happy with my guy who loved me at my higher weights... and though he's more than happy I'm losing and looking much more fit and fab.... he still would have loved me anyways.

No guys for me who don't love me for me!