Lol, the first thing Mammaw did last time she saw me, was say "Good Lord, girl, when did you get so fat?!" She is getting senile, and forgot I have been this size for two years, but still, it hurt. Luckily, they have learned from you, or something, and whether I have none or thirds, they usually leave me alone.

Now if I could just get my bf to stop hoarding candy-bars, lol.

Fortunately, I haven't encountered any saboteurs. However, I don't tell a SOUL that I'm dieting, and I haven't lost nearly enough for anyone to notice. The only two people in the world who know are my boyfriend, who couldn't care less what I do and don't stick in my mouth, and my father who, also, doesn't care one way or another. Both men are not struggling with their weight so there's no reason for them to be jealous, and I'm sure both would love it if I lived a healthier lifestyle.

With that said...

I never ever thought about it before, but now that I have, I have DEFINITELY sabotaged my best friend's efforts when she attempted to diet. My "oh, one muffin can't hurt, right?" and "We should make some fried oreos this weekend!!" certainly were NOT in her favor and I SHOULD have been supportive and more sensitive to her efforts. She doesn't hold anything against me, and probably doesn't even recognize it, as she would make the same comments and suggestions that I would.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my 'efforts' to stall my friend's diet were never intentional and I really DID feel that a little junk food wouldn't be bad. I love her to death, and there was never anything malicious going on in my head. Mind you, if she ever had declined, I wouldn't pressure her.

I have some saboteur issues, but not too often and not too bad. My main saboteur is family and she's far away. My SO is on the whole very supportive, but every now and then he gets irritated with my dedication and wants me to "break out" a little bit more than I want to. I am learning a great deal about saying no to people...

NOTE TO ALL OF 3FC: WHILE I AM DISCUSSING FAMILY DYNAMICS WITH MY DAUGHTER IN THESE PARAGRAPHS, EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO READ AND RESPOND BECAUSE I'M CERTAIN MANY OF US HAVE EXPERIENCED SIMILAR THINGS. IT IS ON THE SUBJECT OF MIXED MESSAGES AND EITHER INTENTIONAL OR SUBCONCIOUS SABOTAGE.

Mammaw (my grandmother) learned it from her mother, who used to greet me with a cheerful, "Well, you're as fat as a pig!" And this is when I weighed what is now my goal weight! She thought it was a compliment. I think the way Mammaw grew up, during the Depression in the Appalachians, "You're fat," only meant, "You're looking healthy. Good for you, that you can afford to eat so well." It was Mammaw who plunked that pie down in front of me after I'd said No several times, but it was her mother who used to cook a full meal for every visitor who happened to drop in on the way to somewhere else, and be insulted if they wouldn't stay to eat. And then she'd watch *everybody's* plate.... "Well, child, you haven't got any 'taters. Here you go." It did no good to tell her you'd already finished your mashed potatoes. Did not compute. Just sailed right over her head. And after you'd had thirds, you were stuffed to the gills, and you couldn't eat so much as a sesame seed, she'd protest, "Aw, you haven't eaten enough to keep a bird alive." Interesting that Grandma did NOT have a weight problem herself. Maybe she was too busy stuffing food into everybody else, to eat her own meal. (When I was a child, I used to think that this was exactly why her last name was Cook.)

I think this is the start of the mixed messages. "I'm going to call you fat, but I'm also going to dangle this food in front of your face and call you other names if you don't eat it." It's hard for me to say Grandma meant any ill will, and I don't think Mammaw did either, but some of the other family members, I don't know.

As for home sabotage, I've had a few rounds with hubby. He's overweight and diabetic just the same as I am, and he may not comprehend that even under ordinary circumstances, a typical woman just doesn't need to eat as much as a typical man does. He has greatly improved from constantly offering me food, and then ten minutes after I say No, coming back with "Are you sure you don't want any...?" Since I've gone low-carb he doesn't offer high-carb things any more at all, and I appreciate that. And of course he wouldn't offer me anything containing a corn ingredient, since I'm allergic to corn. I think he also thought he was being polite by offering to share, and he would never deliberately sabotage.

I always find these threads so interesting...it comes up a lot!

From my perspective, relationships are basically built on a pattern of encounters...people establish "normal" ways of interacting with eachother that repeat over and over (inviting out to lunch, going to get junk food together, going out drinking...not to mention the social balancing acts of clothes shopping and going out at different sizes). These repeated interactions are a LARGE part of the foundations of a relationship - the two people have a routine that they go through. Often, that routine involves food.

Then, one person in that relationship decides to lose weight (and believe me, I'm not discouraging that decision AT ALL). They decide that the patterns of behavior that they had before with certain people are no longer a good fit for their personal goals. So the other halves of those relationships are suddenly getting a different response than they are used to, which changes the dynamic of the relationship. It isn't an insurmountable issue, but it takes time for the other person to break the patterns that used to be a big part of the interactions that the pair had. Unfortunately, that adjustment period comes at just the same time as the person who changed is trying to cement their new lifestyle...and that does lead to conflict.

There are people who try to actively sabotage weight loss efforts. But I'd venture to say that most people who come across as saboteurs are really just people who have to adjust to new forms of interaction with you. And that will happen, eventually, if you stand your ground and try for compromise (I'd love to get lunch with you, but there aren't a lot of healthy options there - maybe we could go to X instead, or you could bring your lunch back here so we can catch up while I eat what I brought from home). But labeling them as saboteurs and cutting them out, I think, eliminates a lot of friends who really COULD adjust to the new you, and just need some time to do it.

I try to remember that I am the one changing my behavior patterns...not them. And it's fine for me to do that (healthy, even), but I try to be patient and compassionate with others while I do so, because I'm the one initiating the change from the comfortable routines we've established to new ones.

Cute story Lovebirds...lol I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments....great thread.

I don't have any sabotagers in my life, because in order for them to sabotage me, I would heve to "let them" sabotage me. I won't let people do it, so they can't. Works pretty good.

I have however, like a few of you have mentioned, got the "you're no fun anymore" comments from people. (I'm also an ex-smoker and an ex-drinker) Since I'm kind of a dork, I usually break out in song..."Goody-two, goody-two...goody, goody two shoes. Don't drink, don't smoke...what do you do, you don't drink don't smoke...what do you do?

It usually shuts them up. ;)

I've been doing pretty well avoiding the unintentional saboteurs. And I don't really have an issue with them, they're just doing what they are used to doing because it's what I used to do (join them for snacks, lunch out, etc).

And I feel fortunate that I haven't had to face the intentional ones. I do know they are out there though, because I have witnessed it. It definitely changes the dynamics of a relationship if one person goes from fat to fit and they want to maintain the status quo, which was working for them.

But overall, I think that the right people to have around you will ultimately support you, and if they don't, then it's time to assess whether they are someone you truly want to have around you.

the only weight-loss saboteur i know is MEEEEEEEEEE and she's a hard b!tch to stifle some days hahahah. But seriously, NO ONE puts food in my mouth but me. People can try to manipulate me all they want, try to guilt me, blah blah blah but at the end of the day I can't for a moment imagine that what i eat (or don't eat) is of any importance whatsoever to someone else. If they went to a lot of trouble to make it, I politely say "wow that looks gorgeous, but it's way out of my calorie-price range today" I'm still a fun dinner companion, i just look out for myself and take care of myself, which means I'll be around for a lot more years to bug them all :D

Yep. I had many, many people like this in my life...and as they adjusted to the smaller me, it took patience and understanding from me that I was the one changing the game, and an acceptance that eventually, they'd either like the new, game-changed me, or they'd end the friendships. And most of those relationships, even with the people who got really annoyed that I was losing weight and becoming "the skinny one" recovered.

Like it or not, all relationships are based on dynamics between people...and "she is heavier than me" is one of those dynamics. Not the only one, and certainly shouldn't be the most important one in determining a friendship, but one of them! And when you change those dynamics, the other people in the relationship need some time to adjust to that change too. And some people get mean/catty/irritable while they're adjusting. But I still don't think, for me, that's enough to end a friendship...because I'm the one that changed the game. Now if it continued and didn't improve, that'd be another story.

hehehe Love it!!! Your voice rocks!! ;)

I think I am my own saboteur as well, but reading all of your posts has been a wake up call for me. I wish I hadn't told anyone I work with that I was dieting, but I figured it was too much energy to keep it secret. Now I have people constantly "checking" what I'm eating....is that kind of a back door sabotage? I know they are "helping" me, but it's also that insulting I don't know what's good for me and can't control myself message.
Hey GiddyupKaos, I'm getting married to the man of MY Dreams on 10/10/10 too! Thank you to all of you for sharing your thoughts and stories. It helps.

mandalinn, if you're not already on my buddy list, I'm adding you. I learn a lot from your posts.