Are you/ were you scared? When you started this journey, this new WOL, was a small part of you terrified? Or is it just me?
I want to do this. I need to do this. I have to do this. I will do this. However, there is a portion of me that is terrified. I've always been big. I've always been the 'fat friend', the 'funny chubby girl'. I make jokes at my own expense, refer to myself as the 'fat girl'.......it's a part of who I am, and I'm not sure I know how to change that. I don't know who I am without the fat. I realize that this is really screwed up, but it's who I am and I'm gonna have to deal with it sooner or later. I've realized that I do this....I use my fat....my food...my obesity to keep people at a distance. I can be funny, the walking joke, the asexual bundle of jolliness. In short, I'm a year round version of Santa Claus. I'm the one who is always in a good mood, nothing really upsets me (that I show), I can talk myself out of being angry with anyone...because honestly.....I'm afraid that if I were in a crabby mood.....got angry...whatever....people wouldn't think I was worth it. Yah know...wonder why they should worry about upsetting me or angering me...it's 'just Crystal'.........
Before I ramble any further, I'll just cut it off here. In short, I guess I'm worried that these self esteem issues of mine will be my downfall. Does any of the above make sense? Does anyone/did anyone feel the same way? How are you/ did you deal with it?
Or am I even more screwed up than I realize?