Reading another thread about what we have learned along the journey.
Brings up a lot of thoughts and issues for me and the main one, is that I don't put myself first.
I will discuss this because I feel very comfortable here and I know I will get support.
I have 3 sons all of them have speech issue and sensory/behavior issues. Two are well on there way now that they are in school and have been in some form of service and well my youngest has been in service for over a year now, I know and am involved. My family life has taken over my life, it seems the only thing that I do for myself is garden and even that seems so uninvolved. But at the same time I've never fully given myself over to being the mom I want to be because I've been so unhappy with myself and wallowing in what I can't give myself.
After I had my 3rd son, I was depressed. I had my tubes tied and I was in depression over losing my fertility and losing my chance at having a girl. The last 9 months as I worked on myself, I've slowly come to terms with it.
The hard part, just over 5 weeks ago, my husband told me he had an affair during that time I was depressed. That affair produced a child, a child who is now 16 months old and is a girl. My husband and I love each other and are trying to work this out and he wants involvement with his daughter.
i am in counseling and have a great support system with my girlfriends, the counselor, my nurse and a few online support boards for this subject. it's so hard and we are working on it.
We have not told our children yet, or my family who all live here. A paternity test is being done, so I have prove positive before I move forward in that direction and we will move forward as hard as it is but i feel and have faith that this can be overcome and we can have a better marriage after this.
I was sick with grieve for a few weeks and my weight went down but now I see it going back up. I won't put myself last anymore.
I've signed up for a writing workshop (I love creative writing and I need to do this for me), I'll continue to get my exercise in, my time alone to got to craft night or read, I'm still working on my Health and Fitness courses. I feel that maybe this is something that makes me realize that I can't put all my faith and happiness into one person, that security is totally shattered but I can, we can make it new and different. I know I don't need him but I love him and want him in my life and in our boys life but now I know, I can do anything I want to, I have that strength inside me, that I can conquer what I seek.
i know this is heavy stuff but I didn't want to put it in that other thread and I felt ready to share this with you. You have been an amazing group for me and while I've been not fully committed and here the last few weeks, I'm doubly sure now that I can do this and I'm ready to put me first.