I need some words of wisdom from you. I simply want to vanish off the face of the earth at least until things get better.

DD is 19, is smart, a hard-worker, never had a problem w/her. At about 16 1/2 she started seeing this boy. Long story short: He was accused of "hugging" girls at work (they worked at the same place), we told her not to get involved, she did, then she caught him cheating, he got drunk, nearly hit her, she said that she should have listened to DH and I, took him back within 3 weeks, I blew my stack, she told me that she wasn't seeing him anymore. That was 6 months ago. I found out last night that she's been lying to me. I confronted her, telling her that I love her but that I WILL NOT put up with anyone lying to me. All I ever wanted were good things for my kids. I wanted to watch her grow up, shop together, spend Mom/Daughter time together. Is that too much to ask?

At the same time, my 78 year old Mom has been going to this darned chiropractor who sometimes tells her she's doing better, sometimes tells her that they need to try something different. She basically has what her mother had - osteoporosis and osteoarthritis in her spine. (Something I get to look forward to.) She seems to be in more pain lately. I mean extreme pain. Like it's darn near impossible for her to walk, sit, or stand. She lives alone and her house was a mess. She hates to ask for help and "feels lazy" when I try to help. Last week I used the housekeeping as a "birthday present" to get her basic chores done. She keeps buying stuff (at the store and through mail-order) and I think it's just to keep her mind busy. Then she piles it up because her back hurts too much to put stuff away. The disorganization looks insurmountable even to me. I'm worried that the pain will be to be "too much" for her to bear. What will I do without my best friend? I'm going to call her doctor, but I know she won't "reveal" anything to me, and Mom will get mad at me for "butting in".

It all seems to be spiralling out of control. What am I supposed to do?

Thanks for listening.

annie

Oh Annie..
All I can tell you is my story.. the short version. I started dating my first husband when I was almost 15... we got engaged at 19.. married at 20.. divorced at 23. NO ONE could have told me I was doing something wrong. He was not abusive or ever cheated on me however. It's so tough at that age... the world views you as an adult but you really are not. here is my advice.. for what's it's worth - don't tell her what she can't do.. tell her what she can do. ie. have her girlfriends over.. pick out any clothes she wants (even if you don't like them) For every negitive thing you tell her about her boyfriend tell her 5 good things about her self and other parts of her life.

Good Luck.. someday she will break up with him.. just make her feel comfortable enough to come to you...I never went to my Mother ..

all the best to you! I feel completely out of control right now with my 2 year old daughter.. but for very different reasons... actually they are kind of the same.... she doesn't listen to me either!

Dana

Dana:

Thanks for the encouragement. DD moved into a dorm last fall at a college nearby. It was more her choice than mine, but I thought it would be good for her. You know, still close to home, but somewhat on her own. Kind of semi-independent. I was worried that she would be seeing more of Bruisers the Loser, but she assured me that she wasn't. I feel that I've lost my daughter to him, because now she has lied to me about seeing him. She has a new job out of town, so I hope this makes him less accessible.

Since you're a mom of a 2 year old, let me just say, I used to worry to death about my kids when they were young, thinking it would get better as they got older. The worry is worse now that they're older, because you don't have the control anymore. They start driving and going out with friends. It's scary.

annie

I can't tell you anything about your DD except to hang in there, make sure she knows you love her no matter what.

About your mom, I think you need to jump in there and help her out whether she wants it or not. Do you have any other brothers or sisters? Clearly she is approaching the point where she will no longer be able to care for herself and then you'll have a real battle on your hands, that being to place her in some sort of home. It would be far better for everyone if she could maintain her own independence and it's not too late to work towards that. Something that caught my notice too was about her spending. She could be overusing credit cards or getting into financial problems. Also she may fall prey to people asking for charitable donations and they are really just con artists. If her doctor will talk to you please ask for a referal to a pain management specialist. A lot of doctors are wary of giving out pain medication but at this point your mother's pain needs to be looked at. If she can control her pain better it will change her entire quality of life. I know that this is a really tough situation, your roles are being reversed, you are now looking after your mom instead of her looking after you. I really think you need to take a very active role in helping her. I work on a community medicine ward (I'm an RN) and I see a lot of elderly people come in and similar things have happened. The bad thing is that once they start going downhill sometimes it is hard to stop. The priority it seems to me is the pain management. I hope this has helped a bit. Good luck with this.

Jen:

Thanks for giving me some ideas. I called Mom's doctor yesterday and left a message, but no one has called me back. I spoke to my sister (I have 2 and a brother) and she suggested asking Mom if she wants to have a garage sale. (We know that she does, but instead of telling her, sister will ask. ) This will clear out some of the old junk that is simply laying around.

I told her that it appears that her pain is worse. She said that it is, but she's done the therapy, the pain management, and the chiropratic, and the only thing left is surgery. (I'm not so sure she would do well with that.) I told her to call the doctor and see about pain medication. She's already taking it and said that that is what keeps her from screaming. (Her mom's vertebrae were fusing together. I'm not sure if that is what is exactly happening to her. Once she used the term "disintegrating", so I'm don't know which is more accurate.)

This all sounds like I am not active in her life, but I see her everyday. She wants to remain independent. Something I understand. From what I see, I don't think she's being swindled out of anything. (When someone calls on the phone and asks for her, she says, "Mrs. X isn't here, any message?")

Am I missing something? Is there something else that I should be looking for?

Thank you sooo much,
annie

I'm really glad to hear that your mom is still taking care of her own finances. I've just heard horror stories of elderly people getting taken advantage of and buying all kinds of stuff off those shopping channels because they have nothing better to do.

I am unaware of any surgery that can be done for osteoporosis and osteoarthritis. If she has osteoporosis in her spine it means that her spinal vertabrae are losing calcium and becoming brittle. I'm not sure if there is a surgery that will fuse the vertabrae together. I know they do such a thing with spinal curvatures but that is done in healthy young people who don't have osteoporosis. They could always put pins and things like that in I suppose. I'll have to haul out my med books and have a look see. I'm not sure though how many surgeons would want to do this kind of surgery on a 75 year old woman. I think they would rather see medical management first. If you don't mind me asking what is your mother taking for pain? I think there are always alternatives. Like I said, some docs are wary of trying different or stronger types of pain meds for fear that the person will become addicted. I think that is completely ridiculous. Pain meds don't become addictive if the person is having geniune pain. Has she seen an orthopedic specialist? I personally don't think much of chiropratic therapy but that is me. Has she ever seen an osteopath? Just some thoughts off the top of my head. I'll have a look in my books for something else that might help.

Hi, me again. I went and checked my books and I see what surgeries your mom may be referring to. What is throwing me off is the osteoporosis. The surgeries are usually for the osteoarthritis. I'm not sure effective they might be if she has advanced osteoporosis. Okay they can fuse together some of vertebrae, usually the lower ones. I'm assuming she has lower back pain, it seems that is common with spinal osteoarthritis. They can use a bone graft to do this or use pins and screws. I'd never heard of spinal fusion as therapy for osteoarthritis, I'd only heard of it as treatment for scoliosis (spinal curvature). Another surgery involves removing part of the vertebrae to relieve spinal compression which might be causing pain. Again I'm not sure how effective this would all be if her vertabrae are too fragile from the osteoporosis.

I'm sure your mother has been through the gamut of therapies etc for all of this so I'm not going to repeat it. I hope though that since this seems to run in your family you'll take some preventative measures before it starts creeping up on you too. Take care, hope things are better.

As far as your mom's house goes, visit www.flylady.net . It's a home-organization website, but it will give you some great tips and pointers about how to get out from under a cluttered house. I've been following it for about two months now, and it's worked miracles!

Good luck,
Jennelle

Jennelle.. I've done flylady too! Do you wear shoes? that's the only part I can't do!
It is a great system though.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me all of these suggestions for the two women I love most in my life.

Jen: My mom hasn't been to an orthpedic surgeon or an osteopath, but I'll be looking into it. I'm with you regarding our opinions of chiropractics, but I think she went as a last non-invasive alternative. I really appreciate the time you spent looking for any info for me. Several months ago I saw a segment on the news or GMA about little cushions they are making to replace the part between the vertebrae (I think). But, since I don't know much about the actual condition of her back, I don't know if that is what she could use, how dangerous it is, or how well she'll do during any surgery.

Jennelle: I'll go to flylady. That should help with mom's mess - and mine. LOL

Jenniffer: Thanks for the DD insight from another point of view. I've never had trouble with my mom, so this is all new to me. I know that you were right there when she originally started seeing this guy and I didn't know if I was "on foot or horseback". And of course, you're right (again) that it won't be easy to just sit back and watch her make mistakes, cuz I'm not the sit back kinda girl.

MOM UPDATE: I'm lucky enough to have mom going to a doctor that seems to care. Well, she at least she has the gray matter to know that when I call, it's gonna be important. (And that she better not ignore me. ) The nurse spoke to the doctor, called me back, said she'd call mom and tell her that the doctor wants her in for a recheck that they "forgot" to mention last time. Well, it worked and mom fell for it. She has an appointment this week!

DAUGHTER UPDATE: We had a normal weekend of shopping, etc., with both of us talking as if she didn't lie. I'm sure she knows that I'm not going to let her walk all over me. She already knows that I have a very good memory when someone "does me wrong". You know, "**** hath no fury . . . " I asked her if she planned on moving out of the dorms soon (she'll have an associate degree in December) and before she answered, she looked right in my eyes, before she said, "In December". I felt as though she was trying to figure if she could get away with anything. Kids these days. Go figure.

The weirdest part is that when she has a question or concern about anything else, she comes to us. She KNOWS that we won't steer her wrong, so why does she think we are lying or telling stories about Bruiser? What we tell her has to make some sense betweeen those ears somewhere, doesn't it?

Thank you all very much,
annie

Things sound like they are going better all the way around. We are all here pulling for you, just let us know when you need support.