[Beck]

Oh dear! That is a whole lot of crazy you have to deal with. I agree with others that have said you should talk to dh about cutting her out of your life. It will not do anyone good to have her around; it definitely imposes on your peace of mind, might hurt your marriage if dh doesn't back you up, and doesn't sound healthy for your son.

My MIL is a crazy old bat, too. Thankfully they live on the other side of the world.

I hope you can work it out.

[famograham]

Oh Tara, I'm so sorry!

Your MIL sounds like a bizarre combination of my good friend's mother, and my own MIL!!! What a nightmare!
Because of my friend's relationship with her mother, I do see why your husband can't quite completely cut her out just yet, although I WISH they would!
My friend's mother has that same kind of religion based psychosis, (drug issues too) and did many of the same things you MIL has done. She also stood by (in denial of course) while her own husband molested her daughter. The result of this is that my friend has drug issues, relationship issues, parenting issues (her son lives with her own father)...and somehow, she STILL can't seem to let go of her mom!!! So I TRULY feel your pain! It hurts SO much to see someone you love, unable to do the best thing for themselves!

As for advice, you've got some great stuff above. I don't think there's anything I can add. But I wanted you to know that I totally get where you're coming from, and I'm here, OK?

Side note: Kaplods, from this and all your other posts...I'm going to guess that you're a therapist? You always have SUCH amazingly helpful, wonderful responses to emotionally based stuff, and I adore you for it!



Be STRONG....you don't want her to be able to do the same things to your kids! (Of course!)

Linda

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by famograham

Side note: Kaplods, from this and all your other posts...I'm going to guess that you're a therapist? You always have SUCH amazingly helpful, wonderful responses to emotionally based stuff, and I adore you for it!

Linda

Close (and thanks). I'm on disability now, but I have two psychology degrees. Bachelor's in behavioral psych and master's degree in psych. I've never been a therapist or counseling psychologist, and didn't have much coursework in it, and in fact chose my field because I didn't think I would be very talented as a counselor or therapist. Child development, particularly language development was my passion (I was never able to find a full time teaching position, but that's what I loved best teaching college classes in human development).

I mostly worked in various aspects of social service and taught part-time until I started having health issues (then retrained as a computer programmer, oddly enough). Mostly, I worked in some aspect of substance abuse treatment and/or law enforcement, as a adolescent detention center worker (juvie jailer) as an adult probation officer and as a research case worker for a large research grant to a juvenile substance abuse treatment non-profit organization. As a result, I worked with a lot of truly messed up people. I used to think my family was crazy until I worked with more people and saw the true spectrum of weird and disfunctional.

[TaraLee]

Thank you all for your encouragement.

I did sit down with DH and discussed this. I asked if HE wanted to see her. He basically said no, that he wanted the kids to see her and she wanted to see them. When I asked why, I got the same answer I always do... cause she's their grandmother.
"But she's horrible to us," I told him.
"But she doesn't treat the kids like that," was his response.
I explained this to him: No, but if she can't treat us well, and we're they're parents, does she deserve to see those kids? They're going to pick up on the fact that Grandma hates Mommy. She makes horrible comments to us and even if she doesn't say it in front of the kids her behaviors do- and she's begun making snide comments to Tristan.
One of the last times she saw him she told Tristan she'd "pray for him" after seeing him playing with a stuffed dragon, for his salvation, than added "Not that you'd know what any of that meant." Tristan's getting old enough that its going to eventually grind on him like it does us or scare the **** out of him cause she'll convince him he's damned or possessed.
I also explained to him that, in my eyes, being a grandparent is a reward for being a parent, and she is no parent. Just because she pushed him out doesn't mean she was a "mother" to him and as such, to me, she really has no place requesting anything from us, especially to see our children. I told him if it were his Aunt, whom I look at as the most motherly figure he had, I'd gladly welcome her and do everything to make her feel welcome.
His mother has now told us she has to save up money for the trip out so it could be awhile anyway...phew! There's a good chance that by the time she gets around to it we'll be moving again or have just moved or be getting ready to move (DH is trying to get promoted to supervisor and was told a new facility in PA would probably be where he'd be moved next year), so it maybe bad timing anyway.
WI also reaffirmed to DH that I am done dealing with the Crazy Lady and until she can convince me that she's stable and off all her addictions (drugs, alcohol, zealous Jesus addiction that she only does when the drugs aren't in play) and she and I can converse appropriatly than she might MIGHT be allowed to visit under some very set guidelines but if she can't she has no place dealing with our children.
We both agreed to reasess (sp?) the situation when/if Crazy Lady actually saves up the money. Her second son, a drug addict alcoholic and his wife as pyscho as off as MIL (she tried to "cut" her husband, OD'd causing her own miscarriage for attention, did drugs during her following pregnancies, is proud that her first daughter only weighed 3lbs at delivery at 36 1/2w along and oh, so much more) decided to pop out 2 of their own kids, less than 9 months apart, while neither of them could support themselves or kick their habbits, so they're a bit of a money drain on MIL...and welfare, but that's another grip altogether.

[HotWings]

Wow, Tara. So much to deal with! But it looks like you are handling it quite well. Good talk with DH. Incidentally, and kaplods can probably confirm or give more info on this, schizophrenics (*if* she is one) feel like they *have* to turn to something to explain why they are like they are or to escape what is going on in their head.. so when she isn't self-medicating with drugs & alcohol, it makes sense to me that she would do the overboard Jesus thing. My cousin to a T really. She might not be, but I have no idea how you would even go about getting her evaluated anything mental... they are SO in denial that anything is wrong. Their reality is not like ours.

[HotWings]

Oh - and I forgot to add - remember we are here for you, even if you just need some place to VENT!

[DCHound]

Absolutely do not let that woman into your home!

[midwife]

I would not allow her anywhere near my children. No way. Your job is to keep your children safe and that includes their mental health. You do not need to justify this decision to anybody.

I was raised by a very abusive mother (hate to use the word, she is no mother, mothering is way more than giving birth) and she is not allowed contact with my children at all. I don't explain or justify it to anyone. The people who need to know the reasons (my husband, in-laws and older children) already know them.

It would be a reasonable thing to tell her to not bother to save up her money and to stop communications, but then I like to make things very clear about such issues. As for your brother-in-law's children, have you considered reporting the situation to child protective services? They are at-risk from this woman's mental illness as well as their parents' drug use.

Good luck to you.

[TaraLee]

In Colorado it is really, really hard to have your children taken away. So long as you aren't "abusing" (excessively seems to be the line, or as to not leave marks) or "neglecting" (they are fed) the State won't step in... I'm tempted to start an anonymus complaint anyways...maybe scaring them some will open their eyes.
And I would gladly shut the Crazy Lady out of my life...forever and ever and all eternity...its DH's mother and it creates some conflict. I hate the fact he still keeps in contact with her.

[kiahna23]

NEVER leave her alone with your kids! She is a drunk and a mental case. Regardless of what your husband wants (because this is his mother) you need to tell him that she is driving you crazy! I have in-law problems and Im trying to move away. You should tell your husband that she can only DAY visit and NOT spend any nights and she has to stay in a hotel. If she cant afford it then she shouldnt come out there. NOTHING is worth losing your family.

WOW! I never thought any in-law could be worse than mine! Im very outspoken and although my family tried to teach me to turn the other cheek I cant! I say what I feel and how ever it comes out...ONLY because what she does is always so ridiculous...You can only turn the other cheek for so long...Ive been married for 7 years.

[SuchAPrettyFace]

Originally Posted by TaraLee

I'm tempted to start an anonymus complaint anyways...maybe scaring them some will open their eyes.

You should do this. Definitely. They need to realize they can't just do whatever they wish when there are children involved.

And I would gladly shut the Crazy Lady out of my life...forever and ever and all eternity...its DH's mother and it creates some conflict. I hate the fact he still keeps in contact with her.

Fact of the matter is you stated she has already started abusing the grandchildren (your children) so any rights she feels she has to see them are now null & void. I think it's wonderful that your husband rose above his parenting & is now such a caring, loving person that he can't shut her out. I really do. But his children should come first.

Visits (if there are any!) with her should be short & sweet, absolutely she should stay in a hotel or motel & there should be a definite start & end date to the visit, INCLUDING how she is going to get home because I can 100% see her stating she doesn't have the gas money to get home. You've gotten some great advice here, hopefully she won't just show up one day. for everything you've been through.

[Robin41]

Just my opinion, but your husband telling his mother that she'd have to talk to you about coming is totally weak. Dumping that responsibility on you was completely unnacceptable.

It's his mother, not yours. Man up and put your family first. The lucky fact that she isn't coming this time doesn't change that; it's just another chance for him to not deal with it.

[jrsygrl]

I would tell DH no she can't come. Why should you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

It sounds like she cares more about drinking and drugging and what she can get from people than building a stable relationship with them.

I've been were you are except it was my sister. She only came around when she wanted something. Correction, she only came around when she needed money to get drugs. She would lie and say her kids needed this or that to get money because she new I would not let my niece and nephew go without.

She got me a few times but when I realized what she was doing I would go get whatever it was that they needed and take it to them. Then she started stealing from me so I had to cut ties with her until she got herself some help.

Maybe DH should have a talk with his mother about getting help if she wants to have a relationship with him and his family and if she doesn't want to get help DH should tell her well until you do will have to keep contact to just phone calls.

I don't think she should be around your children. You don't know what she will say or do to them.

Ultimately you and DH will need to discuss what is best for the family. I say don't let her into your home she may not leave.