Quote:
Originally Posted by Meg
A friend who successfully lost and kept off over 100 pounds once said to me: having to lose 100+ pounds is like having to move a mountain with a cup and teaspoon. It seems impossible at first. But if we work at it, every day, bit by bit, we WILL move that mountain. Pita's right -- the only way any of us will fail to reach our goals is to stop before we get there.
That's the feeling! Like I've been moving this mountain with a teacup and no matter how much work I do, I turn around and there is still two-thirds of a mountain staring down at me.
I don't feel like quitting right now, but if I'm being honest, I do have a quitter's mentality - if I'm not really good at something right out of the gate or if I reach a point of comfort and think "it's fine right here, I don't need to go any farther..." I'm liable to consciously stop. I'm not good at finishing what I start, from little things like a home improvement project to big things like losing all my excess weight. I think I'm afraid of whatever it is not being right when I'm done. And in the case of losing weight, it's ME not being right.
It's such a ridiculous mindset, perfectionism. I always have been very successful at school and at work because my fear of not being perfect was outweighed by my fear of not getting approval from others (professors, bosses, coworkers). I'm just so tired of being afraid. Of valuing others' opinions of me above my own. Of not being able to just be happy with who I am whatever I happen to look like at the time.
You all are so helpful!! Quitting was the furthest thing from my mind when I wrote this. But you're right to assume that's what I am feeling. I can see that what I'm doing is laying the groundwork for making it okay to quit sometime in the future. I can hear me now: all this work and I don't feel different, all this work and I still don't feel right, all this work and I still don't look like some random girl walking down the street. Gah! It's so destructive and irrational!
I DO have to believe. I need to learn how to believe in myself and be happy with myself and who I am no matter what. My inner critic rules my thoughts and is very good at pointing out what's not right about I me. I have a lot more work to do on my self-esteem - and here I thought it was getting better! But I think in many ways I have been waiting for the weight loss to fix it for me. And that is a dangerous thing to expect.
Growth hurts, does it not? This whole journey is about so much more than what I eat. Thank you all for getting me thinking about this in a different way!!