Interesting topic. I am starting to get the "passive" agressive comments that I "look" too thin. What? My family is very supportive as are my friends. This is coming from co-worker. Please forgive me for saying this, but IMHO, anyone who sabotages you in my opinion is not your friend. Especially when they do it so publicly. I think people have issues when you challenge what their perception of the "norm" is. They are so used to you looking one way, and when you change, it threatens them somehow, in either how they perceive the world and themselves.
Last edited by ChocLabLover; 03-17-2009 at 09:41 AM.
All of my friends are thin, so they don't understand. They're way of "supporting" me is to not talk about it or to go shopping with me..lol..Then they say, well, let's go out to eat. I have decided not to say a word about losing weight to anyone in my life mainly because I can't take the sarcasm or the comments about me failing again. I hate failure, even though I'm good at it. That's the main reason why I joined an online forum with people who have the same issues I have.
The people who seem to push are the ones that want you to stay fat like they are.
I hate to say this but I think you may have nailed my issue right on the head!
My best friend since first grade has always been more overweight than I am. However as long as I am overweight with her it seems okay. She weighs 350 and I weighed in at 286. Well since I decided this was going to be my year to get back in touch with me and drop these pounds I have been hauling around, it seems like she deliberately sabotages me. We work together and she constantly brings me in chips and candy for snacks or lunch. I tell her I dont want it but I wonder if my will power will hold out! Its so hard when its a friend because they know what buttons to push to make you feel almost, dare I say it, GUILTY for wanting to lose weight.
I have asked her to diet with me but she says she is fine at the weight she is and when I am done being stupid I will see that I am just fine too. If this is being stupid I hope it never stops! lol All of my friends are overweight....all weigh at least 270lbs or more, and have no desire to lose weight.
This is why, even though I am quite shy, I force myself to come here. This is the only place where I can read other peoples stories and vent and have people understand, who are going through the same thing.
I guess I am lucky, I can't really say I have anyone like this in my life. They don't intentionally try to tempt me and they all seem happy and supportive about my weight loss. When we have get-togethers or family parties, they try to make sure there are some options there for me - not always successfully because they don't really get my plan, I guess. The options are usually, low fat, low cal, but might be full of sugar or refined flour, but they are making an effort and I do appreciate it. I usually bring a dish anyway so I can be sure there is something there for me.
My father and grandmother seem to try and throw a wrench into my plans! Namely my father. I ask him not to bring his junky stuff into the house and if he needs to have a junk fix, please, by all means, eat in your room or when I'm out the house. He all but shoved my face into a piece of pizza last night and then I found myself in the kitchen nibbling at a slice until all I had left was crust. I got really down about and wanted to actually cry a little but I didn't let it get the best of me. I just went to the gym and worked out a couple minutes longer and remember that today is a new day.
I'm pretty lucky, no real saboteurs as of yet. Some things I have learned over the years though
1) I don't tell anyone I am on a diet. I don't bring them into the process and if they try to include themselves I usher them out rapidly.
2) When folks offer me food I say one or more of the following: "I'm not hungry", "I can't eat that it upsets my stomach" "maybe later" "I'm allergic" "I just ate". I find that some of the pushers push everyone, feedling others is somehow important to them, or gives them permission to eat.
3) If they tell me I am too thin (although that hasn't happened yet this time) I smile and say Thank you!
No one can sabotage us but ourselves. We do need strategies. I get frustrated with my husband who has diabetes and won't change his eating...but I can't change it for him, and would be angry if he tried to change mine (for good or bad)
Sometimes there are folks who don't want us to change, but sometimes some of the food pushing is pretty universal, we are just so sensitized to anything food related that we personalize it.
Dang I think that sucks that friendships end when you lose weight
I have a friend who is currently very overweight and is doing nothing about it. When I tell her of my progress (she asks) she seems happy, but sometimes I worry we may lose our friendship because she's already almost 90 lbs heavier than I am, when I started she was like 70 lbs heavier than me. I don't talk about dieting too much anymore- unless someone asks or comments, but even then I say "thanks I've been working out lately" or something.
That's insane to call you stupid for wanting to lose weight and get healthy- no matter what someone says if you are overweight you aren't as healthy as you could be! I have high blood pressure and I didn't have it until I became over 190 lbs, so I KNOW it has to do with my weight!
My husband brings in the junk, bakes cakes, eats ice cream, eats fast food in front of me. He has his moments of supportive behavior, and says he supports me. He always tells me how good I look and stuff, but then bakes a cake. ugh.... He says he just can't eat the healthy stuff and the rest of the family shouldn't have to "suffer" because I am eating healthy. When actually they are the ones suffering from eating the junk food. Its a constant battle. although I dont think he intentionally sabatoges me, it does make it much more difficult to resist those temptations when they are right in your face daily. I feel like losing weight is hard enouph with all the yummy food out there at our fingertips, I shouldn't have to be tempted by it in my house all the freakin time
I had a "last straw" moment with dh today. He is the one who has been saying he wants to support me, yet buys candy "for himself" and leaves it where I can see it. (Last time was a big bag of junior mint boxes left ON my laptop.)
Today I said to him, "I just cannot have chocolate in the house, sitting around. If it is here I eat it. I'd appreciate this being a chocolate free zone."
Him: "I hardly ever eat candy and I dont like chocolate so thats fine by me. I do like a Heath bar once in awhile."
(A month or two ago, he bought a CASE of like 36 Heath bars and left them on his dresser in our bedroom for weeks. He did the same with a CASE of Hershey bars last year. )
So I said, "If you want a candy bar, just go buy yourself one or two. I don't care if you do that."
His response: "Oh I will probably buy a bunch of them and just hide them really well."
Me: "That didn't work out too well the last 2 times you did it..."
and on... yet he insists that when *he* gets an urge for candy *he* is going to buy "a bunch" and "hide them."
Well, enough is enough, and he better hide them damn well, because if I find them they are going straight in the trash.
When I first started my weight loss, I had a HUGE problem with my mother trying to sabotage me... Essentially shoving food in my face and barely even trying to hide the fact that she wanted me to fail at this. If I had a dollar for every time my mom offered to order pizza, go for a fast food run, buy me a candy bar, take me out for dinner, etc during the first month of my weight loss, I'd be rich!! And believe me, she was never that excessively generous before, so I know it wasn't just kindness... But now that she has seen how committed I am, and that I'm not just going to give in to every (or any) temptation she parades in front of me, I think she's more or less given up. She doesn't really try to mess with my eating anymore, a fact for which I am VERY grateful. Though instead, she's now taken to cooking meals "just for me" (I'm the only vegetarian/partial vegan in the family, so she makes a big production out of telling me all the pains she took to make the meal meat-free, as if the rest of the family had to make a huge sacrifice just so *I* could eat this meal ) and then loading on the guilt trip when I tell her I can't eat it--I feel like I broken record with the number of times I've had to explain to her that while I appreciate the gesture, I did NOT ask her to cater to me (and have in fact requested on several occasions that she stop doing this, because it always ends up the same way!), so I am NOT going to feel guilty about saying "no." And then I go and eat whatever meal I had planned for myself.
I am a little worried about how me losing weight might change the dynamic between myself and some of my friends... I have always been the fattest one of my friends, but that is changing. One of my closest friends is overweight, too - maybe even about the same as my starting weight - and we have always been "eating buddies" and kind of bonded over the fact that we both love food, heh. I've gotten smaller than her now, and obviously I'm much more reluctant to participate in our little food parties that we used to have, but I'm worried that she'll think I'm rejecting our entire friendship! And another one of my friends recently gained about 10 lbs (so she claims, though I don't see it!), and I think I might actually, technically, weigh less than her now... So strange! I don't think she would like knowing that at ALL. I know she's supportive and happy for me, but I still have that niggling paranoia that if I become someone who's actually competition/a threat to her, she might change the way she treats me. Let's hope that doesn't happen!
in the past I've had a selection of unhelpful responses:
people who're just thick (sorry) and offer me things that they just don't realize are fattening/not OP
people who take a delight in trying to tempt me with stuff, they're unashamed that they're doing it on purpose
people who watch what I'm eating and then comment on its unsuitability (do they know the calories?)
these tend to be relative strangers. trickiest is a friend of mine. I am very fond of her, even on days when she (UK10/12) makes o I'm so fat noises while walking round the mall with me (UK24/26). Give her her due, she works very hard at keeping her weight down, she needs to for her arthritis, I just sometimes wish it wasn't such a production.
I remember though when I lost weight in 04, I hadn't seen her for a few months and her jaw hit the ground. 'You must be the same size as me!............... ' she gasped. And I can't say it was a gasp of delight either. It does make a difference in relationships. I know she'll be just the other side of the pleased/miffed seesaw when I do it this time. And I really, really want to see her jaw drop again! (So I guess we deserve each other!)
That's so annoying I have no clue HOW you deal with it! I'd have gone off on my mom if she constantly did that lol. I'd have said "are you stupid or deaf?! I said don't make special meals for me- so shut up and let's eat dinner or I'm taking my food and locking myself in my room so I don't have to hear your nonsense."
Then I'd start coming to the table with earplugs, get my food, then walk away lol.
I know it's your mom and all, but stuff like that drives me crazy. I'm not rude to my mother, but she has more sense than to badger me all the time lol.
There does come a time when you have to ask these people, "Why is it so important for YOU, that I eat this? YOU know I've been trying to eat healthier to feel better about MYSELF, but YOU want me to stop doing that why???" And just see if they can come up with a good excuse.
People's motives are complex. Sometimes people aren't even consciously aware of them. I think most of our saboteurs (at least family and friends) would be surprised to learn that they are doing anything wrong, or wrongly motivated.
Sometimes it's simply the fear of change - any change in a relationship can be uncomfortable. Old habits do die hard. It's not necessarilly ill-intent that can inspire people to fight change (even change they think they want). So while a close friend or family member may want what's best for you, they can also be afraid of a change in the relationship. Refusing their homemade brownies may feel like a rejection of them - a sign that maybe you don't like them anymore - you're moving on and don't need them anymore.
Some mother's see nagging as part of their job, so when a favorite nagging topic is taken away (you need to lose weight) they might find another (you're losing too fast).
Sometimes people follow patterns because they think they're supposed to. I've found myself pushing food on people, because food was pushed on me. It's a social norm to celebrate with food - and we're taught to believe that someone not participating in the food can't possibly be enjoying themselves.
There are thousands of reasons for people being unhelpful (and for us interpreting behavior as unhelpful), but it's important to remember that no one can sabotage us without our consent. We have to cooperate for it to happen. We don't have to let anyone else's hangups become ours, and that doesn't mean we have to get angry at everyone, either. They may have the best of intentions, or they may have evil intentions - but even that doesn't necessarily have to be our concern, either.
About 15 years ago, I lost a ton of weight. (Okay, not literally a ton, but probably about 50 lbs. in less than three months - can you guess that it wasn't done in a healthy way?) Anyhow, when I really started getting thin and dressing like it (think butt-hugging pencil skirts and 3 1/2" heels), hubby actually asked me in all seriousness one day if I was going to lose all this weight and then leave him for some hot young Marine. (He was in the Navy.) He was really, truly worried about it, and it took a lot of love and convincing that I wasn't leaving.
So for those of you whose spouses tend to be the saboteurs, ask them point-blank if that's what they're afraid of.
) and then loading on the guilt trip when I tell her I can't eat it--I feel like I broken record with the number of times I've had to explain to her that while I appreciate the gesture, I did NOT ask her to cater to me (and have in fact requested on several occasions that she stop doing this, because it always ends up the same way!), so I am NOT going to feel guilty about saying "no." And then I go and eat whatever meal I had planned for myself. 
And another one of my friends recently gained about 10 lbs (so she claims, though I don't see it!), and I think I might actually, technically, weigh less than her now... So strange! 
I don't think she would like knowing that at ALL. I know she's supportive and happy for me, but I still have that niggling paranoia that if I become someone who's actually competition/a threat to her, she might change the way she treats me. Let's hope that doesn't happen!
