First of all, before I ask it and comment, I want to say this is NOT directed at ANYONE to make them feel guilty. I want to especially say that to Sandi since this happened with her this week, but my thought and question is not a direct result of that. Sandi- PLEASE do not take this question as anything but a question, because that's all that it is, really
How honest do you really think we need to be with people? I can list a few examples of what I mean. I have a website on the internet. By anyone in the world surfing into it, they will instantly know what I weigh (except for the fact I haven't updated it from my loss last week.) But, I felt really embarrassed for a few minutes and almost couldn't tell my brother the website address yesterday, because I didn't want him to see the numbers in black and white... but I did it. I figured if I could let millions of strangers see the truth about how heavy I was, I should be able to let my beloved brother see the truth, but it was incredibly hard for me to do. Then there are the times we suffer setbacks. Sometimes we have huge gains, and there could be very good reasons why, or it could simply be that we failed. I personally feel that those are important times for me to at least be honest with myself, and I feel that I personally need to be honest with you guys as well about those slipbacks. It is incredibly hard for me as a person to be this honest about myself, my weight, my issues, my life... but I am doing it because I know that if I do not "confess" these things to others, I can simply explain them away. I had played mind games with myself about them for years. And I have appreciated the times that you have "confessed" your slip ups to me, because I feel like you trust me, and I can learn from your mistakes.
But how honest do we really need to be?? Do you feel that you should "confess" every pound?? Are some slip ups too bad to be "confessed"? If we are truly being honest with ourselves, can we really avoid that scale monster, or avoid telling others what he said?? I'm just wondering what you all feel about that.
I will tell you right now that I am terrified of some things on this "walk" I am on. First of all, I will tell you this is the first time I have ever managed to lose more than 5 lbs when I was trying to lose weight. I have never before made ANY successful attempt at this without severe illness playing a role in that. I am so afraid of failing. Should I be? I have no idea. Maybe that fear keeps me motivated. But at the same time, I saw myself making bad decisions about what I ate this weekend. Is it going to kill me? No! But am I really determined to succeed at this if the first weekend I have a good reason to eat whatever the heck I want I eat whatever the heck I want? I'm not sure. I don't know what the scale monster will say Tuesday. I don't know if I will have a good "excuse" if he says something bad. I might need to just admit to failure. But to be honest, although I know that every time I fail, you are there to pick me up, and encourage me, the same way I try to be with you all, I am frightened of posting my weight if I do gain.... Because that will mean I have to admit, in cold hard numbers, that this week I failed. Sure I was sick. But did I really have to eat the foods that I did? Probably not. Will I dust myself off and go back on that wagon again?? Most definately.
I think I am feeling rather bummed tonight as well, and maybe that's the reason behind my deep thoughts. I thought I looked GREAT today. I thought I looked skinnier. I thought I looked really good. But not one single person made one single compliment to me. Not until I told my grandmother outright that I had lost 30 lbs did I get one compliment. When I told Greg about it tonight, he said "well I noticed the change, but I didn't say anything and I'm sorry." I was pretty devastated... But all I can do is pick up the pieces and move on I guess..
I'm really interested to hear what you all think about this... So please be honest with me. I know you will.