I do think it simply comes down to a choice that each of us face on a daily basis. We have to choose the behavior and, in doing so, we choose the outcome. If we choose to allow ourselves to heed the inner child and do what feels good in the moment, we suffer the outcome of an out-of-control life.
I think it's more complicated than this. It's not just a choice to binge or not binge. It is more like you are caught in a cycle of feeling sorry for yourself and the binging is a side effect...maybe a way of exposing your helplessness. You need to learn to rewrite your internal messaging, to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's putting the right perspective on life..that life is full of struggle and hard work and pain, and it is that way for everyone, just in different ways and that it's OK to face struggle every day...it's normal. The more you wallow in self-pity, the worse you will feel about yourself, and the more you tell yourself you are a failure and you can't do it. And when you are telling yourself every day that you can't do it, you really can't do it.
It's changing that inner voice...it's the only way to get the control back. And that's why I think sometimes we need help. And sometimes our challenges are really tougher than most people have to deal with (and they don't really understand that) but there may be help out there if we just ask for it (like therapy, medication, pain pills...whatever we really need). It's just that once you feel like a failure, you stop searching for the help you need...you just give up and give in to it.
Life is all about choosing to face life in a positive way or a negative way. You can go through each day feeling like a victim, or you can decide you want to be the victor, even if you can't have everything you want. You can find joy in what you have. Sometimes we won't face up to our real life choices because we don't want to (that's often just emotional immaturity). For example, you may be living in a situation that is causing you a lot of turmoil or pain (a bad marriage or job) but you refuse to leave and make a better life for yourself. Instead you tell yourself there are a million reasons why you can't leave (your kids, your security, nobody else will want you) and just stay and feel sorry for yourself. A therapist can help you to see that these are choices you have control over and there are things you can do to take control of your life again. It's the same with pain management. There may be things you need to change in your life to make your pain management easier (moving to a place that requires less upkeep, giving up petsor livestock, changing jobs, accepting that you might need a wheelchair, spending money on home remodels to make things easier for you), and until you realize these choices are yours to make, and you can control your future to some degree, you will continue to wallow in your self-pity and feel like a hopeless failure. In my case, I'm living in a place that is physically difficult for me, and I have to keep reminding myself it's my choice to be here, and I don't get to feel sorry for myself because if I really wanted to change it I could (by making some difficult but mature changes so I can relocate). It's so much easier to just stay here and ***** and moan about how hard my life is. It's a constant internal dialogue going on that I have to watch...to tell myself no one else is responsible for my happiness. I am.
When you are in that place of being unable to make those choices, it's not because you are weak...it's probably because you are depressed and you need some help. Yes this country has raised us to think we are supposed to be the rugged individualist who can just pull ourselves up by the bootstrap, and it's an embarrassment to admit we need help for mental issues like depression, or medical help for physical issues (or even to ask friends and family for help). And it can be even worse if you are low income and without insurance.
I just want Bev to know she is not a failure because she doesn't seem able to pull herself out of this right now...she just needs some help. The desire is there, but the ability may not be without some outside help (or more time struggling alone till she really hits bottom and decides she has to change something). This is something I've experienced for many years now, and I'm still trying to learn how to manage these dark pits...how to avoid them, but most of all, how to pull myself out once I'm there. She needs to realize that the first choice she needs to make is to be willing to seek help so she's not feeling like she has to do this all alone.
oh my...I don't think anyone was implying that Bev was weak or a failure!! I never even THOUGHT anything like that....
and of course it's not EASY....or we wouln't need a forum like this.
I think the intention was to offer some "right here and now" methods to get back on track weightloss-wise.
of course if she needs help she should get ...ask for it. (that's what she was doing) but in the meantime, she needs to stop getting in the car and trolling for food, because that will just make it worse. I know that from my own experience...don't many of us?
sorry Bev (I don't know you) , I don't mean to preach like you're not here.
You know these behaviours are damaging. You KNOW that you need to get back on plan and have food sanity. You need to make NOT doing these things NOT AN OPTION!!! Not a way to deal with stress or pain or boredom. You KNOW this. I do think that a therapist could be a lot of help with this. What do you think?
I know what my issue is - starting next week, I will be using a wheelchair get back and forth from the car to my jobs. It has me totally freaked. I have a chronic foot problem. I don't want to stop everything in my life because I have a mobility problem. It's so humbling to ask for help now. I've spend my whole life taking care of people. Now I have to ask others for help. I am not used to it or comfortable with it. It helped to write this out.
There, I've said it.
I need to accept this as what I need to do for now.
It's easy to understand why this would be a big deal to you --- it sure would be a big deal to me, too! But it's a temporary situation, right? Will it help with the pain situation, by keeping you off the bad foot some? Then that would be a big positive. And for the record, if you are using this chair at your jobs, you sure aren't stopping everything in your life --- you are obviously pushing on, even though it is pretty dang difficult right now.
So, is there some way to make this period easier? I am one of those "pull the bandage all off at once in a big YOOOWCH!" people, so I would want to address the issue immediately. I would probably call the places I would be needing help with the chair ahead of time, first to let them know about the situation and second, to try to arrange to have one consistent person to help me. This would help me feel more in control and I think it would be easier for me to do over the phone. If this situation was only for a specific amount of time, I would be marking off the days on a calendar for the same reason. Can you think of any other actions you could take that would make the transition easier or let you feel more in control?
As for the eating --- well, I have gone on McDonald missions for a lot less reason than what you are going through! I am not saying that you should toss your eating plan out the window, but it certainly is understandable. But it would be better in the long run if there was something else you could turn to instead of food for a lift, for something positive in your day. So what do you really, really like? A tape or CD in your car with some wild or silly music that you can sing along to? A massage at the end of the week? Maybe you love a long soak in the tub with fou-fou bubble bath and candles and the works? If you can think of something like that, maybe there is a way to substitute that healthier alternative for the bingeing. Maybe knowing that there IS a reward coming soon could help short-circuit your need for a reward NOW.
Whatever happens and whatever you do, please don't give up. Even if the eating goes completely to Helena for the next month --- IT'S NOT FOREVER! And it doesn't make you a bad person in any way to run into a problem that takes a while to solve --- it just makes you human. We all certainly understand! And we are here to listen to what is going on and to offer what ideas we can; we are here for you to lean on for a while if you need to. Don't worry --- next month it will be me or CFMama or Lottie or someone else that needs your help.
BeverlyJoy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I think everybody who has quite a bit of weight to lose, or real food issues hits this point. I haven't lost anything since October and gained back almost 10 lbs in Nov and Dec. I just got tired of working so hard at it and felt like I needed a break. Like a spoiled brat I just wanted to do what I wanted to do for a while.
Don't leave 3fc and don't stop posting in the accountability with us. It doesn't matter if you are not doing well right now or if you don't feel like you're helping anyone. Sometimes we can help others and sometimes we need the help for ourselves. It's okay. You don't have to do it alone. If you can fight through this, it will be the most inspirational thing to lots of us around here. Here's how you start: Tomorrow morning make a plan and come and post it. Make it a day full of your favorite healthy foods. Then stick to it. Do NOT get in that car and go for food. We want better for you. We do not want you to treat our friend so badly. Okay?
I remember you from when I was posting earlier this year, Bev!
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough patch. I've totally been there with getting off track and regaining and I know how much it sucks. Continuing to weigh in and continuing to post are the best things you can do to stop that train from getting too far away from the station so stay with us here!
I want to thank you all with all of my heart for your thoughts, ideas, love and understanding. It touches me greatly. Many many good and sensible ideas have been presented to me.
Yes, I do have an appointment next week with a therapist - hopefully, she can help me get through this.
I actually feel better having 'talked' about this.
(I have a chronic tendonitis in my posterior tibial tendon (foot/ankle). I've done therapy and many many things to improve the situation. I reinjured it last September. The surgery isn't always very successful. It has a six month recovery period. And, I am allergic to narcotic pain meds. I have seen many doctors. )
So, I will face today - one day at a time. Knowing that I have my DH who will use his personal time to help me get to my jobs. I have friends that will help me too.
I promise myself today - that I will not get in my car to 'medicate' my feelings with ice cream and junk food.
I have a recumbant bike, stability ball and exercises from PT. I was doing chair exercises - the DVD broke. I'll have to get it replaced.
Yes, I am mourning the gaining of my weight from 192 pounds - but, life is a journey and I will try to move forward. Thank goodness I only have to worry about today's food.
Thank you again, dear friends. Your deep thoughts and many ideas mean so very much to me.
Last edited by Beverlyjoy; 02-06-2009 at 07:35 AM.
What a great post! It sounds like you have tremendous strength of character. Congratulations for pulling yourself back from the brink and setting yourself firmly back on the path that you want to be on.
I only have two suggestions to add to the others -- first, my friend who has some extreme pain issues (as in, has to be carried from place to place by her husband some days) loves what she calls Bed Yoga. It looks like there's even a book (which I found on Amazon) of poses you can do while not standing (or lying on the floor).
Second, my husband and I have found some new things that soothe our cravings while feeding our bodies. We now make yogurt smoothies pretty regularly for dessert -- 1 cup nonfat yogurt, half a cup (I think) frozen cherries (I found other berries too seedy, but I think frozen bananas would work pretty well, too). Blend it up. The cherries add not only flavor but also an icy texture that's pretty close to a melting milkshake. He also makes them with half the amount of cherries for something that's like a cherry lassi. It's a great treat, and I think my body likes getting all that protein and calcium So that's maybe a replacement for milkshakes and ice cream; plus, because also it's very fast it involves measuring and equipment, it tends to distract us from other cravings.
Your post touched me so deeply. You were able to express exactly how I have felt at my weakest moments. I can feel your pain.
One day...One hour...even one minute at a time. You can do this!
I am sorry for the pain and mental struggle you are facing. You are doing the right things to get through it. Have confidence in what you are telling yourself.
You are in my thoughts. I look forward to hearing more about your progress.
Bev, just wanted to give you hugs.....and maybe a small reminder to always look for the JOY in every situation. There's good in everything--you just have to look!
Hi Bev,
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. Yes, talking it out does often help a great deal. That is partly why the therapy helps...they can sometimes help you uncover the feelings inside that need to be talked out. I wish I had some advice on the tendonitis, but that is something that I know little about...but was wondering if they'd suggested cortisone shots for the pain? I personally won't use cortisone any more but it does work for some people...it can also increase your appetite. That's hard about the pain pills. I am also sensitive to pain meds...too much makes me want to rip my skin off from itching, so I can only take a half a pill at a time, and only hydrocodone...switching to another brand makes me itch again. Morphine especially. Do you use Aleve or something else? Does it help to do hot or cold packs?
I hope you can get it healed up (even if it feels like it is taking forever) and that there is hope for full recovery with the therapy, and the wheelchair is just temporary.
Good for you on your new resolve to try to get your eating in check. I know you can do it once you get your mind wrapped around it. And it sounds like you are definitely on the right track. I know that eating certain foods would be dangerous for me (gravies, cream dishes, etc.) so I try to provide myself lots of healthy alternatives that are good for me and a gourmet treat, so I can still feel like I'm indulging, even while staying on plan.
I hope you can get that dvd player fixed.
I love the yogurt frozen fruit smoothy at night too. I bought a box of fresh peaches from a local fruit stand last summer and froze them (no sugar). I add frozen peaches to mine and blend it, or fresh pineapple. Pineapple banana might be a good one too. You can make a double and freeze half of it for the next day. Something else I just made that I consider a treat, but is actually healthy...I made french toast with some whole wheat bread that was starting to dry out. I used 1/2 cup milk, 1 egg, a little vanilla and splenda, for each three slices of bread. I have one slice for breakfast, and it's only 148 calories (using whole milk). They are easy to freeze and pop in a toaster or toaster oven. I don't put anything on mine...just like them plain. They make a great snack too. You can even add a little bran flakes to the milk and egg mixture if you want more fiber.
I'm wondering how much of your inclination to go for fast food is the idea of not having to stand in the kitchen to prepare food? I've thought about getting a tall stool for my kitchen so I can sit to work on food. It might encourage me to do more cooking. I might even modify my cupboard under my cutting board so my legs fit under it when sitting on the stool. I really do love to cook, it's just standing it the kitchen the kills me. So it's hard to be inspired to prepare healthy foods.
Hang in there...and I'm glad you came back here for the morale boost you needed.
Last edited by recidivist; 02-06-2009 at 05:41 PM.
Well, sure it is! Beverly knows that I would never trivialize what she is going through. However, it sometimes takes years before we can really find out what makes us behave the way we do....if we ever really do find the answers. Many of our successful maintainers here on 3FC will tell you that they still aren't 100% sure why they psychologically let themselves get fat. Do we wait until we figure everything out? Or, do we make that choice each day to do what needs to be done? Whether we like it or not, we all have to choose how we respond to life's struggles. For 44 years, I've chosen to let myself be swayed by what life throws my way. Look at me now. Yes, I am trying to dig deep and find my answers, but I can't afford to wait until I have it all figured out. Heck, part of this weight loss journey is learning through the struggles.
So that's maybe a replacement for milkshakes and ice cream; plus, because also it's very fast it involves measuring and equipment, it tends to distract us from other cravings.
