Hi all. I am fat because I get dizzy, weak, sick to my stomach if I don't eat. I've been checked for Hypoglycemia but it's not that..(I've just started reaching for Orange Juice when I feel weak and sick to my stomach just to see if it makes the dizziness weakness and nausea) it seems almost to work but almost. I grab a piece of cheese then its the crackers, then the milk, then well I guess I could have dessert....

I was starved as a child and when I did have food I was told how awful food was so I didn't have a 'normal' way to eat. I was scared of Germs and I was afraid that the noodle soup was worms...I totally had no control over my thoughts of food due to the thoughts placed in a little girls head., that food was no good for me.

I grew up and yes I was a little thin but I got pregnant...I GAINED weight big time and now I've lost and gained the same 50 Lbs about 200 times plus..

So now here I am,, I just had Rasin Bran and a Banana and 1/2 cup of coffee w/1 tsp sugar and a flavored cream.

Guess what I'm sitting here getting all shaky and sick on my stomach. I hate this.

(What really gets me is that my friends call me down on being overweight and when I lose they say I'm waaay to thin..go figure)

Anyway I will keep on fighting to get my weight maintained and being middle-aged it ain't easy!

Have a nice day all.

AS~

Does eating protein with your meals help your shakiness/ nausea? That breakfast that's pretty high on the GI scale, and I wonder if more protein would help. I hate that feeling, and hope you feel better!

I get the shakiness/nausea too, and so does one of my sons. Dr checked, no pre-diabetes or anything... so I keep almonds or fruit in my purse to stave off that feeling *before* it gets bad. Although chocolate milk is the clear winner in making me feel better!

I am not surprised. Not being argumentative - just saying that there is more of it out there than most are willing to say, and it effects more than one generation.
My mother's mother was an alcoholic. My grandmother came from a highly abusive home and then lost her husband when my mother was a year old. My mom never learned effective coping strategies and has battled depression (and obesity) her whole life. There was a point when I was about 9 years old where my parents were having a rocky period in the marriage where I distinctly recall my mom sitting down next to me and eating and entire box if ding-dongs by herself. I may have had one or two, but for the most part I just sat there and watched her open one after the other and eat, eat, eat. This is where I learned the concept of emotional eating.
I was pudgy through puberty, but was a skinny brat by the time I graduated high school and went to college. I later joined the Army where physical fitness was just something we did and personal fitness is something to brag about. It was a combination of me having to leave my son in the States (because of his ******* biological father - I wasn't allowed to take him overseas with me because his bio-dad who never saw him or paid child support refused to sign the passport ppwk just to be spiteful, so my son spent 2 years of his life living with my parents - and yes I am still a little angry about this), move overseas, stop exercising because the war started and we had more important things to do - like getting troops and equipment ready, my husband being sent away (he was and still is in the Army), and the calorie dense German food that had me packing on pounds like never before. I went from a VERY fit 150, to a very flabby 190 in 2 years. It was like a steam train - once the weight started coming on, I just didn't know how to stop it. That was in 2003 - and here I am, 6 years later just now really being able to get it off. There were periods where I got down to the 170s, but I still felt fat. Then once we got back to the states I did about 2 years of various infertility therapies that included hormones - that did nothing to help weight loss or emotional control. It was even worse when none of them ever worked. And then there were the 3 other deployments that I have sent my husband on. So, stress, depression, poor coping habits, emotional (happy, sad, scared, angry) eating, refusal to commit to an exercise plan... yup - that's how I got here. I have gotten less hot-headed as I have gotten older, that has helped. I am more peaceful, and make my decision a lot more slowly. That has made a big difference in my ability to lose weight. I am aware of what I can control, and what I cannot control. I can control what I put into my mouth and how much I exercise, how much I study, how much time I spend with my family, and how I chose to nourish our bodies. I cannot control other peoples actions or the government or my ovaries :lol: It makes life a lot less frustrating to be aware of these things.

I really don't remember when I haven't been fat. I would like to see myself skinny someday, maybe for the first time in my life.

I think I turned to food because after high school I felt like I'd screwed up my whole life. My twenties were just one self-inflicted disaster after another and food was what made me feel better.

I will be thirty in about a month and I am so determined to turn things around in my thirties. I have a lot to fix, starting with this weight.

I am fat because all my life as far back as I can remember, I have always felt cripplingly worthless.

I am working on where it all started from with a therapist and so far I have come to the conclusion that it was the feeling that I no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could never please my mother. Even as a young child right up until now.

We had very poor eating habits when I was a child as my mother was a very heavy woman who liked to eat out....alot.
My teenage years were ****. Being a teenager is hard enough but when you hate yourself and never feel like you "fit in" .... high school was a nightmare. I dropped out in grade 10. At 17 I fell in love with a boy who liked to beat on me. I got pregnant and I had a baby boy shortly after my 18th birthday. The sick thing is that for years afterwards, I felt like I deserved it.

It was extremely hard being a teenage mother. My dad encouraged me to end it with the abuser and I went back to school. This is when the weight started to really creep on. It was hard going to school and raising a baby. Especially with my mothers constant dissproval. I turned to food for comfort.

After I graduated high school I started working full time and going to college full time. The schedule was **** but I kept going, kept eating junk food to "make me feel better" and kept gaining weight. By the time my son was two, I weighed 220lbs (I was 145 after he was born). Even after I finished college and moved into my chosen field of work and had a good paying job, I still felt incredibly worthless. I mean, looking back now I think...Wow! I took a bad situation (having a baby so young with no support from the father) and really worked my butt of to make a better life for myself and my child. And we really did have a good life. I saved and saved and saved and was able to move out of a rental and buy my own home.

But, I still felt so ashamed and alone that I never dated. Ever. Which of course made me feel even more lonely and depressed. I was on anti depressants which caused even more weight gain and I was still eating for comfort.
When I met my husband at age 26, I didn't believe he could ever love someone like me. Good thing he was persistent because I tried to push him away so many times. Including the night before the wedding (which my mother initially refused to come to until my father told her he would not be staying home with her, he would be walking me down the isle). We got married and he adopted my son right away. We had another son and two weeks after he was born my husband started chemotherapy for testicular cancer that had spread to his chest. A brand new baby and a brand new husband that I was convinced was going to die because "I deserved it". More stress...More binge eating to cope. More anti depressants that caused even more weight gain. Still trying to hide it from him.

Thank god he made it through and is still here with me encouraging me on my journey to health (mentally and physically) . I finally started with a therapist last year to help me. Slowly but surely I am starting to find my self worth. I journal ALOT. I have started to really believe in myself which I think is why this time, I am finally able to stick with it and am losing weight. I am able to control my emotions and not let them control me. I still have bad days of course but life is so much better, so .... enjoyable. I try to look for the positives in every situation instead of the negative.

My mother is dying, slowly and painfully. I feel sad for her because she never helped herself. She never found joy in her life. She never really knew her children and grandchildren that she has always pushed away. She has missed out on so much.

She was extremely heavy until she got sick and has started wasting away to skin and bones. When she first got sick, I would go over to her home everyday. I'd clean, cook and do laundry. I even offered her one of my kidneys that was a perfect match. She was angry that she couldn't have it because I was too fat to give it to her. The kidney foundation wouldn't place my own health at risk to save hers. I ran myself ragged working full time, looking after my own family and taking care of her. Looking back, I now know I was desperately trying to earn her approval before she dies.

But, I have accepted the fact that I will never have my mothers love and approval. It is what it is and that is okay. I have always had my fathers and my husbands. And now, finally, I have my own.

2009 is my year. I am living the life that I *want* to live. Not the life that I was living to try and please others. I am a happy, positive mother, wife and daughter that is going to live a long healthy life.

After deep thought on this issue I would have to say I am fat for two reasons.

1. Growing up we were broke so when we went out to eat or could afford junk food I ate as much of it as I could because I never knew when we would be able to afford it again.

2. I love Doritos. I think I single handedly could keep the Dorito people in business. I have eaten as many as 4 large bags a day. I LOOOOOOOOOVE them. Well....I did.

Now I just have to remind myself that compared to most I am pretty well off financially and I could afford to eat out at any time....but I dont need to. I have also convinced myself that Doritos are made with puppy parts and if I dont eat them I am saving a small puppy every day! :devil::D

Thanks for your response thinpossible. Other than eggs what would you recommend for more protein? I very rarely eat any kind of meat...I will eat sausage or bacon if I go out for breakfast but thats about it.

Thanks.

AS~

Why am I fat..... That's a loaded question!


1. Depression adn trying to mask my feelings of dislike for myself. Been working on changing the way I think about myself so it helps. It's a constant process of check and balancing when these kinds of thoughts become strong.

2. Issues with my failed marriage - I overate when we were married because I was unhappy, and then afterwards because I felt like a failure.

3. Being a night shift nurse. Insomnia makes me eat enough for 3 people!!

I am a nurse too - and being overweight is something that kinda creeped up on me - I did not realize I was that fat....

Hey, I just wanted to throw myself into the alchoholic children category. Both of my parents were daily drinkers/drunkards growing up from the time I was just a toddler until I finished high school. It definitely relates to my weight. My siblings and parents are all obese. Probably 1/2 fall into the morbidly obese category. I have considered going to one of the meetings for children of alcholics. Anyone else have experience with this?

Asoutherner, I like Hummus and homemade bean burgers. They are both healthy and cheap forms of protein.

This is an amazing thread. So much catharsis. I've never really gotten to the reason I got fat...it started when I was a kid. I've concentrated on moving forward and I have built new healthier habits. But I still think I'm missing the final piece that's stopping me from losing the last 20-25 pounds. More pondering is required.

For Asoutherner - protein sources that aren't meat? Cottage cheese, lowfat string cheese, yogurt (especially the greek kind) peanut butter, protein powder (I add it to soups and smoothies) are a few I can think of offhand.

Boca burgers :T

Oh...my....

I avoided peeking in on this thread, until tonight.
First, I want to say what an incredibly strong, AMAZING bunch of women, and men we are. Some of your stories ripped my heart out. :cry: (I don't know if it exists or not, but I swear I have some sort of empathy disorder...I ACUTELY feel the pain of others) Sometimes it's SO hard to face how screwed up I really am.
I'm afraid that this is going to be looong!

I'll start at the beginning
* My father was an angry, obese, emotionally abusive, rageaholic, several packs a day smoker. He married my Mom after divorcing his first wife, the mother of my 3 brothers.

* My Mom had my sister with her first husband, then together they had me. My brothers visited on the weekends.

* My dad never accepted my sister, and had CRAZY angry outbursts at her about food. He would smash food on her plate and scream at her until she finished it. I, on the other hand was allowed to eat what I wanted,and her never came after me in the same way. I was the baby, and he's always wanted a girl.

* I THINK that this is what made ME a people pleaser. I finished all my food so that daddy wouldn't freak on me. My daddy rewarded me with cookies. Today my sister is a teeny, TINY thing, maybe a size zero. She took back control by NOT eating, and I wanted to smooth things BY eating.

* My Mom would do anything to try and avoid conflict. She stayed when she shouldn't have. She was overly permissive. I didn't have many boundaries. I'm sure this is because of her guilt.

* When I was 7, my dad died of a heart attack. I see this as a blessing for our whole family, but the damage was done. I was a bit chunky at this age.

*From that time on, my Mom wanted to do anything to make me happy. I started to get heavier. I had hardly any rules, and if I wanted something, my Mama got it for me.

*By the time I was 11, my Mom joined TOPS, and brought me with her....there started my life of trying to lose weight. She did want me to lose weight, but just didn't have the skills to help me do it in a healthy way. At this point in life, I was already severely lacking in self esteem, and already starting to seek approval at the hand of boys. If boys wanted me...I must be OK.

* When I was 14, I started seeing a man who was 5 years older than me. He was seriously abusive. He ended up taking me away to a reserve in the interior, faaar away from home. (I will never quite forgive myself for hurting my Mom like that!) I got pregnant, and lost that baby (early miscarriage) hundreds of kilometers away from home, with this man who ground my face into the dirt at the side of the highway, telling me I was a slut, and the baby wasn't his anyway....

* I finally escaped that situation by running away in the middle of the night, and hiding while I waited the hour or so that it took for the police to come and get me...the reserve was very remote. I spent a few days in a women's shelter and came home..much to my Mama's joy. I'm sure she thought he'd kill me. That whole relationship lasted about a year and a half.

* I then got into some therapy after I got home, and did quite well, but then started experimenting with some minor drugs, and was still seeking boys for self worth.

* I wasn't terribly overweight at this time, but in my mind I was FAT, FAT, FAT...

* at 16, I met my husband..we were very young, but he was so kind, and gentle, and soft spoken...never raised his voice, or uttered an unkind word..which made me fall hopelessly in love with him. We married when I was 18. All I ever wanted was to be in love, and be a Mother.

* I had another miscarriage right around the time we got married, I was terrified that I'd never have children.

* I always kind of knew deep down that my husband loved me for the person I am, but didn't love my weight. Although he never said anything...ever.

*Fast forward several years. I finally had our son, and was pregnant with our daughter (she's 7 now). We got our first computer when I was 7 months pregnant.

* I started noticing that my hubby was staying up till all hours of the night, and our love life was quickly dwindling. After our daughter was born I gained yet more weight and was about 230.

* I discovered that the late nights were my husband replacing our love life with an ever growing penchant for porn. My self esteem plummeted to all time lows. I finally got it out of him that he was not sexually attracted to me because of my weight. I immediately lost 40 pounds out of sheer terror of losing him. An then promptly gained it back as my anger toward him grew. I also discovered that he had decided that he didn't want any more kids...when up until that point, I had always expected that we would have three.

*It was sort of around this time, that I found 3fc, and my amazing, beautiful friends here. I got into therapy for myself, and my husband came home from a trip to Taiwan saying he was going to leave. More therapy...he never left.
During that time, I lost 40 pounds again, for ME. Through therapy, I realized that I am a GOOD person, I am lovable, and there are men out there who would love me for who and what I am. This seemed to bring about a desirable change in me, and my hubby never left.

* Then in January 2006, a tree fell on my Mom's house and ALL my efforts turned to helping her get a new home. I gained my weight back again.

*Last January, my Mama was settled into her new home, I had a nice level of comfort in my marriage, things were peaceful (aside from the pain of knowing there's a child out there in the universe...waiting for me). I started losing again..and was doing great!

* Then in March, my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer....my focus on myself went out the window...I researched, and worried, and cried, and was (and am) terrified.

* Which brings us to today!!!....Phew...what a pathetic story! Please know that in between all of these things...there is great JOY, and AWE at the beauty of life..and a great appreciation for all the wonder that life has to offer!

* Today, my Mom is doing fairly well, my marriage is good, my kids are great, but that baby out there does still haunt me...don't know what to do about that one yet...

* I'm in a place once again, where my last attempt has been gained back...and I'm on the verge of getting started again...just need that "AHA" moment to get my *** in gear..

So, that's why I'm fat...:lol: I am also afraid of who I will be if I'm thin...and I'm afraid of how it will change me, and my life. My fat keeps me in my small little life...
I know "calories in-calories out" like the back of my hand, and yet..I am still fat.

I also have to add that I too, LOVE doritos, have night eating issues, and a VERY strong aversion to the feeling in my body when I exercise....it's some kind of mania that tells the feelings I get during exercise are "wrong"...like I'm going to die or something...lol!

I LOVE you ladies with all my heart, I truly do.

:hug:
Linda