ot - have you ever dated a convict?
 

A friend of mine has known a guy who is in jail for many years. I have met him a few times and I was shocked to find out he was in jail. He's been in jail for things like not paying child support and failing to appear in court when ordered. Nothing violent, just irresponsible.

She's been writing to him for a year in jail and now wants to date him? Not sure what I think about that. Is it possible for an inmate to change? I know that she doesn't want kids if the relationship does progress, but still, not paying child support is a symptom of a deeper irresponsibility. He had a very well paying job I might add. It wasn't because he didnt have the money.

So, here's my question. .. should she reallly be getting involved? Is it possible that this experience will help him grow up and become responsible? Or should I just be ready to comfort her when he lets her down?

Anyone with experience here?

I believe in 2nd chances. However, I think I would prefer him further down his path of good choices before I gave him the 2nd chance myself.

Wow...I don't think that question has ever been asked here!

I personally haven't, but know some folks that have. It is very possible that his incarceration has changed him for the better.

Bottom line though....it's her choice. As her friend, backing her up no matter what is always expected.

JMO. The odds are against him changing...From alot of painful experience...My rule about relationships...Never go into it expecting a man to change. If you are worth it to him he will change to get you into the relationship...but rarely after he as you hooked. I would be prepared to comfort your friend...but always hope for the best.

I agree with djay - expecting a man to change a lifetime of behaviour just because he's with you, or had an experience of jail, is asking for trouble. Any dude who wouldn't support his children isn't going to change IMHO. But, as we none of us know these people, it might work out, who knows? I always remember the advice mom gave me "Pick someone you like right out of the box, because that's the way he's gonna be" LOL

I would tell her to run, not walk to the nearest exit. If he did not care about supporting his own children why would he care about another person?

And, are you sure it's just for child support? I know the men in jail lie a lot! They want contact with someone on the outside to talk and write to. I would check him out very carefully! Sorry, don't always believe what someone in jail tells you!

I also agree that people seldom change. If he is in jail for JUST not paying child support to his own children, what kind of man does that make him? Why would someone really want to get involved with someone that turned their back on their own children?

I agree. If he won't be supportive of his kids, why would be supportive of Carrie? But he tells her all he wants to do is make amends to them. Truth or Crap? I don't know. I beleive everyone deserves a second chance, but he's got to prove himself worthy.

I can't stop her, but I know I should support her. SIGH . . .

You will never know the whole story. Yes, he may have had a good paying job, but maybe the divorce or not being with the children and their mother (if not married) left him in a ton of debt. Or maybe he was horribly depressed and he spent money recklessly or maybe he just didn't care at that point...who knows?

If you're friend has a job (which I assume she does) then my advice would just to keep her finances completely separate from him. (which is usually a good idea unless you are married anyway.) If she wants to date him, she is going to and really nothing you say is going to sway her too much. You do run the risk of having your friend think you are not respecting her decisions or her judgment and that could cause resentment in the friendship. Is it worth it? He's not violent. He's not a wife beater, a rapist or a child molester. In those cases I am all for intervening. With this, maybe he is just one of those men that take a really long time to grow up and become responsible. Some men have a really hard time putting anyone else's needs before their own. I think it is horrible when men (and women) don't support their children, but again, its not what I or you think that matters right now, its what your friend thinks that counts.

My own Da will tell you, it wasn't until he was in his mid 30's that he was anywhere near responsible enough to be a husband and a father. That would be fine if he wasn't married and with 2 (soon to be 4 kids) in his mid 20's. However, my father is a very good man, a good father and good husband.

Give the guy a chance. If your friend likes him, let her explore the relationship. Maybe nothing will come of it, maybe they will fall madly in love. Who knows?

I understand you are only looking out for your friend, that's what a good friend does. Hopefully your friend will be going in to this possible relationship with her eyes wide open. :hug:

I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning once that you're a little concerned about his record, and what that means for how he will help her out down the road, etc. But that you know she will make the right decision for herself.

It's tough to watch a friend make a decision that you wouldn't. I recently had a friend tell me something that ... well... I don't agree with because I feel like she's going to get herself hurt. I told her that. But I left it at that one time. So far she's going on with this man just fine. However, I know I also would want to be there for her if what I think might happen does in fact happen.

YIKES, Tell your friend to RUN and not look back, if he isnt man enough to support his children he isnt man enough for anything else.

That is an excellent point. I mean the man doesn't make it a priority to provide for his own children, who needs that in their life.

I think there are enough non convict types out there that your friend can find. She certainly has the fact that she is open minded going for her and so maybe she should focus that positive attribute towards someone who's quirks don't include a criminal history.

Yes, he does have to prove himself. Period. I think at least five years of proof. Which means it's gonna have to be someone else who gives him his second chance. Because it would be crazy to get at all emotionally involved before then. But it sounds like she already is. In the end, you can't change her. You can be honest with her if she asks your opinion. What else can you do?

Wow that is an interesting question. I have never personally dated a convict. I would hope for her sake that he does change. My SIL has been in and out of jail (and prison) for drugs and had both her children taken from her. I really hope and pray she is able to change and get her life straightened out.

I am not sure what to say about your friend but I hope she knows what she is getting into and I hope she takes things slow. People can claim they have changed but change is a hard and lengthy process that doesn't always happen for everyone. I just hope she is very careful.

Thanks for all your answers. I will support her no matter what. Just wondering what other people thought. Seems to be pretty divided between run and give it a shot. Don't know personally if I would date someone in prision. then again, it might be better than my current VERY SINGLE status! LOL!