Had a mini mental breakdown last night...
 

Why why WHY do people think it's okay, just because I'm losing weight now, to say things to me like "yah when we met you we thought you'd be dead by 30 of a heart attack"

You know what? I am NOT at the point in my journey where I can hear that. What that MAKES me want to do (for a half a minute) is PROVE to them that I can be 300+ lbs and NOT die. It makes me want to eat everything in sight. It makes me want to cry into bed and cry.

Even if it's true. Even if they are thinking it. It hurts.

I want to be seen as more than my weight.

So anyways I cried and talked my way out of this for about 2 hours last night with my hubby. And he pointed out how strong I am and how I don't THINK I am strong. That it's been 45 days totally on plan and yah... anyways it's okay.

I can do this. I AM doing this. It's just taking a while for my brain to catch up with my body.

I don't have any other reason for posting this other than to just share. Thanks ladies. I've tried out many other forums on here but this one... this one is "home"

:hug: I'm sorry.
But I feel you, my best friend is always making ignorant comments about me at my highest weight. Constantly.
I'll give you some examples of things she has said...

The most hurtful thing she ever said was, "Back in the day you used to have NO neck, I'm serious Sherri, NO NECK. Your chin just hung down to your boobs. I always wondered how you got hickies on your neck. Now a guy could actually kiss your neck."

"You used to just look like a big huge blimp. You had no shape to you."

"Your stomach was so big you couldn't tell if you had boobs or not."


She's rude. I'm not that far into my journey to be hearing things like that either. It actually hurt my feelings a bit the first time she said something. Mostly because *I* don't really notice change yet. Mostly in my face, thats it. And I know she isn't saying these things to hurt me, I think SHE thinks it incourages me to lose more weight... She's mistaken.
I think people should just keep their mouths shut, and make NO rude comments at all. Ever. I personally wouldn't do that to anyone.

People can be cruel. My grandma always tells me "if you lose weight, you'd be a beautiful girl".

What about now? Why can't I be pretty now? And the thing is, she's far more overweight than I am.

wow, i can't believe people would say those things to you. i'm sure people might be saying it behind my back, but nobody has ever said it to me. i'm not sure how i would react, although i tend to believe (knowing how i am) that i would probably shoot back with something. i wouldn't stand there and let them say things that bothered me. maybe you should say something so they know that they are hurting you, they probably don't even realize they are.

Congrats for getting past the insensitive remarks. :hug: People just don't think about what effect their words can have. You are more than your weight, and any person with class will recognise that.

Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. After separating from my ex, folks fell over themselves to tell me they'd never liked him anyway! :foot: What? I was with him, and loved him, for 15 years! :lol: How little they thought of my judgement!

Usually I am the one that has a witty comeback for people who make terrible comments but I do want to put it out there that sometimes people don't know what to say and they want to be supportive and they think what they're saying is helpful.

There is a person in my life who is super competitive in her own weight loss so she thinks that is what everyone needs. I actually have the same reaction to her own competitiveness. So I said to her - I think you're trying to be supportive and helpful and I appreciate that. It means a lot to me. But I am just not competitive. I will lose weight at my own rate and I'm not interested in comparing notes on how fast we lose weight. It's not a race to me.

When someone in your life makes a comment like that, let them know that you appreciate that they've noticed your big change but those comments still hurt. I think you said it best when you said: I am not at the point in my journey where I can hear that. It's simple and very true.

I have a friend who told me that my boobs were not just big they were HUGE!!! This was when they were huge, but I couldn't believe she would be so shocked by them. Now she sees me about every three to six months and her eyes pop out of her head and she calls attention to my huge weight loss in front of a whole group of people. She's always been a skinny little thing, so she doesn't have any clue how it feels to be on the receiving end of those kind of comments.
Then there is the friend who just doesn't edit herself. She once told me that if she was overweight her husband wouldn't be attracted to her sexually. That one really hit hard, and I cried and cried over it. Since then I've come to know her better and learned that she just doesn't think before she speaks.
Then there is the friend who told me that a nurse told her that fat people were just lazy. This friend used to be anorexic, so she has plenty of weight related issues herself. I've had men tell me that I'm just lazy too, that if i'd get out and work hard I would lose the weight.
People can be so mean! I used to get mad and decide to not lose the weight to show I didn't care what they thought. Now I've decided what really matters is what I think about myself and to take care of my health.
Those people make those comments, but rest assured they don't really give much thought to our weight or how we feel. Take care of yourself for you, your peace of mind and your health.

So many people have no concept anymore of, you know, manners. It really disturbs me.

My favorite response to stuff like this is to look mildly surprised and say "You do realize that you just said that out loud??"

Usually people get really flustered and embarrassed and try to back out of it. And usually they can't. And then I just smile and walk away.

I've found that rather than getting upset or trying to "talk" about it or teach them or whatever ... that little gentle reminder that not every thought is suitable to be spoken aloud, works wonders.

.

cfmama~ :hug::hug::hug: My dad once told my bf that if I lost a hundred pounds I would be beautiful... I was happy to hear my bf respond that he thinks I am beautiful the way that I am... but it still really hurt to hear my dad say that.
cfmama, we're here for you!!!

Yea, some people sux and at times they don't even know they do. That is why I'm glad we got each other. Thanks for posting getting it out there. Maybe someone who's never had this problem will think twice before being so rude. Hugz to all.

I'm sorry. I would have been hurt, too.

I am so sorry! Some people just don't get it. Keep up your hard work. You are worth it and you are doing a fantastic job!

I think Jessica made a really good point - many of our friends make comments that hurt us because they are trying to be supportive and don't know how. I think it's easy for me to think a friend is being rude but it's also up to me to let them know they hurt my feelings. If I don't say anything can I blame them the next time they make a comment that hurts my feelings?

I do understand how painful it can be to be on the receiving end of rude comments. And I am often surprised at strangers who believe they can make comments about my weight without even knowing me.

My main point is just if it's a friend hurting my feelings and I never tell them it hurts then it's just as much my fault as theirs the next time they say the same thing. I can't expect them to understand or read my mind if I don't help them.

So if you've never clearly communicated to a friend when they hurt you try it next time. A true friend won't think less of you for being honest. They might be flustered or embarassed for a minute but in the end I bet you'll both be closer.

That had to be hurtful. I get what you mean about not being ready yet to have people say things like that to you... I don't know if those kinds of negative comments are ever easy to handle.

Personally, I can't count the number of times I got the: if you lost weight, you'd be pretty... if you lost weight, the boys would like you...... let alone the time I was working at a grocery store and a man (customer) came up to me looking for a product and I didn't know what it was so I asked my 'skinny' coworker beside me... Apparently it was a diet product because the guy blurted out, "No, don't ask her! I wanted to ask a FAT person!"... Or the customer who insisted my weight (stomach) was resting on the scale when I was ringing up her produce, arguing that it increased the weight and I was charging her too much. Yea...

People just don't know when not to speak sometimes... and other times I think they think by saying harsh comments it is encouraging you not to eat or something.

I don't understand why people feel it is ok to say things like that just because you are losing weight now. Like, the fact that you have lost some weight makes it ok to say rude things about the way you "were". It's not right. My husbands aunt said to me one time, "if you don't over eat, why are you so heavy". Let me tell you, she's lucky she's 350 lbs herself & could squash me, cause I should of punched her in her stupid face. Why would you say that to someone? Especially when you should KNOW what it feels like to struggle with weight. You really should say something to these people about how you feel. Let them know it's not ok now to say things about the way you were because it's not nice & you just plain don't want to hear it. Don't let them get you down. You have your own reasons for being on this diet & trying to get healthy, don't let a bunch of jerks ruin that. Especially if your reasons have NOTHING to do with them, they have no right to say stuff like that.

Wow. That is over the top.

What is with people feeling they can speak freely about weightloss and how much better you'd be when you're thin?!?!?! This annoys me to no end. So what if we are bigger, we have a lot of qualities probably better than those insulting us and do we call them on it? NO

This has always been a huge pet peeve of me, double ended compliments. I once had a guy friend say I was the sexiest bigger girl hes ever seen. Compliment? NO not to me, it made me cry.

I feel like weight in general people are very out spoken about and its not fair. I feel like telling the next person who insults me or anyone on their weight, that maybe they'd look a little better if they got that big ole' nose of theirs taken care of! HAH, sorry about my little rant, but I just think its so unfair that this area in particular people are so rude about!!

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I know how painful this must be for you.:hug::hug:

My aunt used to touch my back and ask me if being so fat hurt. ****. I wanted to go crazy. Her husband, I won't call him my uncle, used to make fun of me and act like he had a hard time walking around me. The last straw was when there was a large male singer on TV and he told me that I looked just like this guy. I visited them one more time and never saw them again. They got very upset because I never returned to their home, but I could no longer take their insults.

I am not convinced that mean-spirited people like this do not know what they are doing. When they are older relatives, I think they know that they are pulling this crap deliberately. In regards to friends when they do this it might be because they have no manners. I cut loose of friends like this a long time ago. The same goes for boyfriends. It's bad enough that I have to struggle with losing weight, dealing with the psychogical part of it and then to have to tolerate an abusive friendship. Life is too short. We have to love ourselves first and foremost.

I don't really think there is ever time where one can hear this kind of stuff. It's just rude.
I hate to say it, but be prepared for a lot of people to have foot-in-mouth disease when it comes to comments as you progress.

I got one where someone started off well, saying I looked great, then followed that with "You were *so* huge before" and then proceeded to make things worse.

Just remember that their thoughts and comments have absolutely no bearing on where you are now, or where you came from. You're doing great!

*hugs*

Some people can be down right mean....I think I hate the underhanded "compliments" more than the ones that just blurt mean things from their mouth though esp when coming from people you know.

I saw a family friend over the weekend and she had the nerve to claim that I looked great and it's so nice that I decided to better myself and not be lazy *eye roll* Whatever....blah lol What can ya do except look at them like they have poop on their head? I will have to steal Photochick's advice for next time. The holidays are coming so I know they'll be plenty of chances for that!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU so much everyone. You have no idea how reading this has lifted my spirits.

I am so shocked I guess to hear that so many others have heard the same things. I hate living in a culture where it's still socially acceptable to make fun of fat people... even ENCOURAGED to make fun of us.

I picked myself up. Had a great on plan day and called my friend.

I told her that I am not at that point where I could hear things like this and that it was very hurtful. She got all defensive and then finally appologized. Thankfully.

I do need to get a backbone where these things are involved. I can tell off a stranger but never my friends. That has to change.

Thanks again ladies :)

Good for you!

I am glad you told her how you felt. even tho, i dont see how she could not have known that that was not an appropriate thing to say, at any time in your journey. no one wants to hear that they were thought of as a heart attack waiting to happen! If she wants to say something about how far you've come, it should be positive, not negative.
although, everytime I come into work... this skinny co-worker of mine (who is just trying to be supportive, and kind) says "hey skinny, you are looking so good" really loud in front of the whole department....It makes everyone look at me, which makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. especially since I am NO WHERE near being skinny :) I do appreciate the positive comments, but its still not easy in a room full of people. (sorry, i sort of got off of the subject a little :P

That's great that you were able to talk to her - that takes a lot of guts and gave her something to think about.

Just think if your comment gives her pause the next time she was going to make a comment to you or to another person who is overweight. If she learns from you, you just might be keeping one of us from getting a disheartening comment from her too! :)


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Gosh...I am so sorry you had to deal with that. :hug: People sometimes don't know how dumb and hurtful they are when they say things.

You are doing SO well...you've made terrific progress.

If you can....TRY to be 'teflon' and let those hurtful words slide off. You know your reality - she doesn't.

Take care and carry on! :D

:hug: I'm so sorry someone had to be so rude and something so hurtful to you. I would of cried as well. I want to cry just reading that! Instead they should be telling you how proud they are of you.

These sort of comments make me furious - you really should say something to these people if you haven't already.

cfmama, gather all those crappy comments and use them to your benefit!

:hug: I am a little late on the subject and am glad to see you are feeling better. I think it's wonderful that you were able to confront your friend and let her know how her comments made you feel. It takes a lot of guts to stand up for yourself and your feelings to a friend or family member! Go you! :woohoo:

Congratulations for you cfmama I wish I could do what you did.

I remember the summer before I went into high school I spent it basically traveling with my grandparents and going to a family reunion (not really exciting fun). Well when we got back to their house I spent about another week with them. One day I was laying in the floor watching TV with my grandma and my grandfather walks in and pulls out a tape measure and measures my butt and proclaims "Yep its bigger than when it was when you got here!" I was like uuuuuhhhhhhhh grrrreeaaatt grandpa, I was 13. My grandmother could have killed him, and also seeing as how he isn't the model of physical health either.

I have gotten these kinds of comments as well. People saying how totally fat I was getting. Ugh. I try to ignore them, I think they are either hurtful or clueless.