Hi my wonderful friends
I've been around but not posting very much...prepare yourselves for a long update, and a little self mortality fear!

Those of you who know me, know that my Mama has been diagnosed with lung cancer. There's very good news in this department. First off, we found out that my Mom's cancer is at a much earlier stage than originally feared. She is a stage 1b- it is very rare to have lung cancer discovered at this early stage, so we feel very blessed! It gives her a much better chance of living much longer than previously thought, and even the small (25-50%) chance of a cure
So, Mom had 20 radiation treatments during September. She did quite well, but was very fatigued, and had some relatively severe pain in her esophagus, which caused her to have to eat only white, mushy, awful food for a few weeks.
I'm happy to say that she is now feeling INCREDIBLY well, very happy, AND eating normal, yummy food again! She's on her way to gaining back the 4 pounds she lost during radiation. We are ELATED...and loving the heck out of eachother...much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving
She will have a scan in November to determine how much A*S*S* kicking the radiation did...praying for great news.

HOWEVER, we just got some insane news yesterday. My Mom's sister Aggie, has been very supportive through this cancer journey. She's gone to some Dr. Appts with Mom, and has come and stayed with her for days on end, several times Aggie has also not been feeling well for quite some time. She had a chest CT recently and got the results yesterday. I'm very sad to say that she ALSO has lung cancer. It looks like she has had it longer than Mom (how horribly ironic). Unlike Mom, it looks like it may already be in her lymph nodes, and possibly already metastasized as well
She is not taking the news well, after watching Mom go through this thing. She will be here this weekend for Thanksgiving, and I will love and support her...it's just so...SAD. I'm worried about my Mom's entire side of the family, and how they're all going to deal with this crazy twist of fate.

This all brings me to the very selfish part of my post. I am scared for my family, and mostly for my Mama...but hearing this yesterday has also made me terrified for my SELF, and my own little family!
I am morbidly obese, I STILL smoke (the shame I feel makes it almost unbearable to say that!). Mom, and now my Aunt BOTH have lung cancer. My Dad died at 44 of a massive, instant death, first time heart attack. My other Aunt had diabetes all her life, and died of pancreatic cancer. My uncle died of prostate cancer....the list just goes on.

I feel like I've got a noose around my neck, or I'm being strapped into the electric chair. I know, I KNOW that if I don't DRASTICALLY change almost every aspect of my life..I am doomed....and for the life of me, I do not know HOW I'm going to find the strength to make ALL the changes I need to.
I am a fountain of strength, for everyone and anyone....except myself...why the **** is that???

I'm so sorry for the BOOK! But, that's my update!
I love you guys SO much

Linda

I don't normally post here but after reading this I had to.

First off a big for you. I lost my father to cancer a year ago tomorrow and if I can give you one word of advice please have them check her brain. My dads cancer started in the lungs and after loads of chemo and radiation he was free and someone asked my mom if they checked his brain as thats usually the first place it will spread. Well they never checked it and by the time they did (august 07) my dad had stage 4 brain cancer and was given 4-6 weeks to live and he passed on October 11, 2007.

I didn't tell you this to scare you I tell you this as someone who has been through it and wish someone would have given us that lil clue a bit early. May God give you and your family strength.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and your family soak it all in and may you all live to see many many more Thanksgivings together.

Linda....this may be the kick in the rear you need to get totally motivated.

My kick was when the Dr told me I would most likely want to consider lap band surgery. Ummm, I don't think so. When my husband had his car accident and was in ICU, 1/2 the people in there were having complications from gastro surgery. That and the picture of me my DIL posted with my grandbaby. Ummm, I dont really look like that...uhh, ya I did.

Do not think of this as a life sentence, think of it as a Life Saver. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Reflect on what you have been doing wrong and fix it. Get up off the couch and move move move.



I am so sorry about your aunt and your mom. They will be in my prayers.

Linda,
So sorry to hear about your mom and your aunt. It must be a very difficult time for your family indeed.
I don't really know what to say to help, except that you can do this.
You have already started your weight loss journey and with every day you have to opportunity to make new healthy choices.
I don't know if this will help.....but something that has helped me is to change my thought process around weight loss. I used to look at getting healthy as if it were some sort of punishment that I had to impose on myself for having been "bad" and gaining weight.
Now I look at it like a positive choice. Today I choose to exercise and eat healthy because I love myself. I want all that life has to offer and I won't be able to have a full, happy and healthy life if I were to make different choices.
What a great start you are making by being open and honest about your fears and that you still smoke. Try not to beat yourself up and look at this from such a dire stand point. You know what you need to do. Make a decision to do it. Slowly.....gradually....be gentle with yourself. Tell yourself often that you really do deserve to put yourself and your health first even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.
Don't quit before the miracle happens!!!!
Take care & enjoy your thanksgiving with your family.
Tammy

Linda -

Use this as a powerful reminder of how important it is to take care of your health. Tragedy is always sad. But it can sometimes bring about positive changes, too.

Lots of good thoughts being sent up for your family

Linda,

For years, I made excuses for smoking and for being overweight. I kept waiting for the perfect time to become committed and take control of my health and my life. Like you, everyone else took first priority. I was strong and encouraging for them in ways that I could never be for myself. Honestly, there is no perfect time. This will never be easy. There will always be something going on in our lives that can be used as an excuse. Stop making excuses for yourself and just do it. It really is that simple. You just wake up each day and do it and never give up no matter how long it takes you to get it right. One step at a time. A trite statement, but oh so true.

Sending prayers your way.

Oh gosh... what a hard hard time for you. I'm sending you all the strength vibes I have to get you motivated to get yourself through this.

I can only imagine how rough this must feel - in every area. I just wanted to share one thing. You don't have to change everything about you - today. You just need to take one step in the right direction. This is what I learned: from whereever you are, the correct thing to do is always take one step. That is all that is required of you. You will be able to do this, one step at a time. Speaking as one who was *supposed to* die 9 times that I know of. You just reminded me what I needed to blog about today! Thanks, and be well. You can do this. One step at a time.

You know, it's a very strange place I'm in right now!

The post above is a snippet, a moment of panic.
Those of you who know me, know that I am a positive person. I have learned so much through this cancer journey. I love more deeply, and I appreciate every moment. I am the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, therefore, I make posts sometimes...that come from the feelings I'm having at that moment. Today, they happened to be panicky, and and worried about my future-y

Most of you who replied, don't know me very well yet (aside from Mandalinn and Rhonda ) But I really am a strong and positive person most of the time.
I hope that you new people didn't read this and think that I am weak, or dramatic...because this is really not about me (the cancer stuff). HOWEVER, it is about the feelings that it has brought up in me.
I know there are friends here who have been wondering what is going on with me, and I wanted to let you know

Thanks so much for your love and advice
xoxo
Linda

Oh my, you are going through so much. I bet you're fabulous with your friends - so try imagining how you would talk to and treat and help out a friend in your place - and do that for yourself and ask for some of that help from your friends. Think how you would feel if your friend was going through this and didn't want to trouble you.

For your health, try just picking one new habit each week, something you know you can do. Like adding some veggies, or a better breakfast, or a walk, or going to bed on time. You'll start to feel better about yourself, and then it will be easier to try other things, without going all drill-sergeant on yourself.

You find the strength one small change at a time.

I'm so sorry for your family's health troubles, and I sincerely hope your mama and your aunt are going to be okay.

I'm pretty new here, but reading your post I absolutely did not feel you sounded weak or dramatic or any of that. You sound like a lovely person who is concerned for the loved ones in your life and your own desire to change for the better. NOTHING weak about that!!!!

I do have some of the same personal struggles, and I know I'm just trying to get through it all one thing and one day at a time. I am trying to approach my lifestyle changes as what I would want for my daughter (because, like you, I seem to have a really hard time taking care of me!). I've decided it's really time to love myself (almost) as much as I love my little girl. I know I can be a better mother, lover, sister, daughter, friend if I'm at my best. But best of all, I can be all those things to me!

Believe it or not, I found your post inspirational and motivational!!!

You know we are here for you anytime.

My Mom died of lung cancer, she stopped the minute she found out but I did have a great 5 years with her, you need to stop smoking, do it for her!!! Not for yourself, my self nor my son would ever think of smoking, due to what my mom went thru... do it for her

Hey- I've missed you!!!! SO GLAD YOU are back (although I'm very sorry to hear of all your troubles...) join us at the accountability thread! Miss you lots. I have been thinking about you and wondering where you've been and how you are.

Ginger

{{{Linda}}} I am so sorry you are going through this. How awful for your mom and Aunt. I am glad you are there for them. And yes I agree you need to be there for yourself too. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for the strength and courage to make the changes you need to in your life. Wishing you peace.