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Old 10-12-2008, 12:23 AM   #1  
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Default I Disgust Myself

I am such a loser!

So almost ANOTHER YEAR has gone by and I'm still as fat as ever. Its starting to effect my entire life. I stay at home ALWAYS, I don't dare venture out into the Beautiful People World that is Las Vegas. Last week I went to the Stratosphere with my brother and almost couldn't ride one of the rides... They had to squeeze me in and by then I was so humiliated... I don't care about how I look, I go to work with no makeup, my hair looks horrible, I just find it hard to care any more. I am ALWAYS tired, no energy...


So this week I am joining Las Vegas Bootcamp and am going to try my best to cut out the gorging I do on a daily basis.

Like today...

I hate 2 Marie Callender Meals... Each about 500 calories.
A bag of Sun Chips 250 calories
A Slim Fast (HA!) 180 calories
A Lean Cuisine Meal (300 calories)
4 Uncrustables (1000 calories)
2 small containers of Ben and Jerry's Cheesecake Ice cream (400 calories)

Wow. Just looking at that makes me want to cry... And I was suppose to be really good today...

Thats almost 3000 calories of CRAP.

I don't know how to get control of this... I wish there was something that took away cravings and hunger... But half the time I eat when I'm not even hungry...

Anyway, long post but... I'm here to do this. I need to do this. I know there's got to be a pretty girl inside me somewhere...
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:31 AM   #2  
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You are a pretty girl!
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:40 AM   #3  
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Some compassion for yourself - for the hungry child within - will do wonders. If you had a little girl who hated herself so much, what would you do -- likely take her in your arms and hold her and comfort her (not beat her up and tell her what a loser she is). Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:49 AM   #4  
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I agree with evilredhead, you're already beautiful. And trust me, as someone who's also been struggling with treating self hate with food forever, you will never get healthy until you learn to love yourself as you are. There will always be obstacles that you won't be able to get over until you become your own friend.
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:03 AM   #5  
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I had a night like this right before I joined WW, and I felt like such a cow and I had so many feelings like you have right now. It is what made me realize it was time for me to get this under control and get my butt into a meeting ASAP!! I got on the scale and I was 259lbs and I just about cried, I knew I was heavy I just didn't think I had let it get that bad. I had hit rock bottom and that was it for me, I was to close to hitting that scary number (300lbs). You can do this hun and we are all here for you to help along the way. Don't be so hard on yourself, at least you know you need to stop and you need to do something about it. Time to throw that junk food out stock up the house with healthy foods and get back on track!!!!
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:12 AM   #6  
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you are so pretty - take some pride in that. Be neat and tidy and put on some makeup, it does wonders for your self esteem.

and we've all been there, the whiny 'wahhh i'm still fat poor me' whatever! there's no secret to it - we're fat because we eat too much and haven't found the right motivation to do something about it - if WANTING to be thin were enough, we'd all be Heidi Klum right? unfortunately, it's about choice after choice after boring ho hum choice.

wake up tomorrow and put some make up on that pretty face and choose to have a good breakfast. That's a good start

stay strong
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:13 AM   #7  
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I have been drinking green tea before breakfast and lunch.

That seems to help my cravings and hunger.

Did all that stuff taste good? When I binge, I really feel like what I ate didn't even taste good (after I ate it of course! )
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Old 10-12-2008, 02:57 AM   #8  
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I was never successful when I tried to hate myself thin. When someone is punishing me, even if it's myself, my natural instinct is to rebel and seek comfort (too often in food).

What incentive is there to care for a person you hate? If you are disgusting, you don't matter, and if you don't matter, what does it matter what you do?

That kind of reasoning is poison, in my opinion. When we treat ourselves as our own worst enemy, that is what we become.

Firstly, you've got to realize weight loss is SO HARD that most people don't get it right EVER. At least not in the way we've been taught to do it, with unrealistic expectations, and a demand for perfection that is humanly impossible. One little slip is used as a reason to believe we have failed, that we're worthless and useless and we might as well give up. Nope, nope, nope.

Losing weight is harder than learning to play concert piano. You're not going to be perfect from day 1, don't expect it. Progress, not perfection is the way to master any skill worth learning, even weight loss.

Today you kept track of your calories. That is progress. That is a step in the right direction. Celebrate that sucess, not the failure of some expectation you had for yourself that you weren't able to meet.

Besides, whose to say you can't loss weight on 3000 calories. You don't even know if that's true or not. It's at least possible. If you're young and fairly active, it's possible that you're burning over 4000 calories a day. In my 20's, I did. When I weighed 280 at 25, and was on Nutrisystem, I was eating 2500 calories a day and losing more than 3 lbs a week so that means I was eating more than 4000 calories to maintain my weight. 3000 calories would have still had me losing more than 2 lbs a week).

Regardless, you don't have to be perfect, you just have to do better. Counting was better, even if you didn't reduce what you're eating (which we don't have any proof of yet) it was still better than not counting. You look at what you did today and you congratulate and reward yourself for the success you did make. Now tomorrow try to do a little better, but don't beat yourself up when you stumble and find this hard to do. It is hard and you're not a failure or disgusting if it isn't easy and you make more mistakes than successes at first. It will come if you stick with it - and if you start treating yourself like a wonderful person who deserves to be taken care of by her very best friend, yourself.

Last edited by kaplods; 10-12-2008 at 02:59 AM.
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:30 PM   #9  
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You're a lovely person. We all know how you feel as we all have these feelings. Last night I ate onion rings, again for the third time this month, and other things that were not healthy for me. I'm a person who "feeds her emotions" to make myself feel comforted, which isn't good as you know.

Finding something else to comfort ourselves and understanding that we distort the view of ourselves is key I think. When you look in the mirror you are hating yourself, but it might be a good idea to make yourself say one thing positive about yourself every time you take a glance in the mirror. I've been doing this exercise and though I am new at it, it is making me face my own negativity and work on it. I mean how can we gain our confidence back if we constantly put ourselves down?

I stay in my house a lot as well, but make myself venture out now that I am loosing more weight. The truth is though, and this is what I have come to realize, if I was 140 pounds right now, I would STILL feel I was a disgusting person. Weight is weight, it isn't you is my point. You are a lovely person, inside and out.

Baby steps! One day at a time!
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:56 PM   #10  
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Oh, LVbelle, we have all been where you are, and it is SO hard. I love some of these posts!!! Especially about how you would feel if a little child were saying some of the things about herself that you are and how you would want to love her and comfort her, not degrade and humiliate her!!!

I think you are BEAUTIFUL also, so young and you have your life ahead of you! I know it doesn't matter if WE say it, because you aren't feeling it.

I think it's WONDERFUL that you counted your calories when you had a less-than-perfect eating day. We can't change what we don't acknowledge, and I know for me, most of the time I try to put days like that out of my mind instead of facing them like you did, YOU BRAVE, STRONG girl!!!!

I have always been told how pretty I am (usually, oh, if you lost weight you'd be gorgeous!), but I have never taken very good care of my looks. I feel like it's a waste on someone as fat as me, and that people will be thinking, "why'd she spend so much time on her hair and makeup when she needs to be spending her time at the gym!" or other such nonsense. I also have constantly struggled with food - how much I love it, how much I want to eat even when I'm not even hungry, and using any and every excuse to pig out.

I'm still very early in this process, but I really think I can do it this time. The difference for me has been formal exercise. I joined a fantastic gym, and started off with a personal trainer who has shown me that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought I could do. In the process, I have started to feel STRONG and CAPABLE, and worthy of basking in the light of day (even tho I'm still close to 300lbs!) My eating has started to fall into place from there (didn't even start with the diet, it has come almost naturally with the exercise). I have even --and this is revolutionary for me-- started peeking in to the salon at my gym and thinking about how I'm starting to deserve a mani/pedi and whatever else they offer in there! It is all coming NATURALLY from this new-found pride I have in myself!! For me it's been the exercise. I hope you can find what makes you proud and RUN with it!

If you were my daughter, I would give you a big hug and tell you that you can do anything in this life you want to do. You are beautiful and strong, NOT awful and a loser.

Best of luck to you sweetie. I know you can do it!!!
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:31 PM   #11  
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Hi LVBelle,

Boy, have you come to the right place! I felt the same way, no makeup, not ironing my clothes, waking up tired, not really doing anything for me until I found 3fc. I'm starting to do little things just for me and setting up little baby goals and you know what, it's working!

You are beautiful!!
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:52 PM   #12  
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Look at your face, you are beautiful!! Why are you so hard on yourself? We would never treat another family member, friend, or pet the way we do ourselves sometimes. I was thin for years and years, so believe me when I say life still has the same issues, it's just that you have more energy and flexibility to handle them when you are thinner. Just for now, can you concentrate on one meal at a time? I think we (I know I do) can get overwhelmed with all the over-analyzing every bite and chew and we think we can never do it. That's my current plan right now, just concentrate on the one meal, eat healthily and then try not to obsess about food until the next meal. Try to go for a nice walk every day, it really can cheer you up once you get started.
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Old 10-12-2008, 02:09 PM   #13  
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One day at a time my friend. Yesterday is over...history. Everyday is a new beginning.

I have been in your shoes and saying those same things in the past. Perhaps you can start to research a food plan that you feel you can live with. Or..maybe baby steps - adding in something positive every few days. (ex - drink lots of water, eat 5 serving of fruits and veggies, etc)

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Good luck..
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Old 10-12-2008, 06:35 PM   #14  
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These posts have certainly made my day. You are all very wise, kind, and RIGHT. I know I should be easier on myself or this will never work.... But its so hard sometimes. I need to stop the self loathing... the "hating myself thin" (I liked that!) Or I will never be able to have the strength to do this.

Thank you for all the kind words and the encouragement. I am so glad I have found a place to post about this. Today is a new day! So far only 600 calories and its not even dinner yet! So I will do this.

I am going to run now, I look forward to returning some encouragement all of your ways. Thank you for helping me today.
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Old 10-12-2008, 06:52 PM   #15  
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I second everything everyone else said... your beautiful and you should be easier on yourself.

If you looking for some advise... I didn't see much protein on your list of foods. Upping your protein will help you eat better and less. Especially having a big breakfast will keep you from going overboard through the day.
Also, there's a lot of prepackaged foods there! Get some real food in your house and you'll be much better off.

Good luck to you and I know you can do this!

Last edited by raw23; 10-12-2008 at 06:54 PM.
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