I don't think I ever said you did. If you notice I also quoted the person above you who said: I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
Which is, to some degree what I was talking about with my comments about how we need to feel deserving of love, no matter what size we are.
Ahhh, okay, I see now that you weren't addressing me when you said that. I'm shocked; I thought it was always all about ME! Hehe, just kidding. But I completely agree with you... Everyone deserves to be loved.
Ps. RomanceDiva, you are so right. I wish I could change my surroundings. From my understanding, the average man has a much better appreciation for the female form than most 19-year-old college boys. Hopefully when I'm a little older I won't feel like all men are so superficial.
When I worked in law enforcement and social service, I would see some of the ugliest, meanest people (some of them even much fatter than I was at the time, and having a lot less going for them in their twisted, messed up lives) having no problem finding love, and I wondered why I couldn't find a date. Of course, I realized I wasn't looking and didn't want to look where they were looking (the sleaziest bars at closing time), and if I'd been honest with myself it was because I wasn't looking at all (Hoping a prince will come by and sweep me off my feet didn't count).
I see it in my shy (but thin and beautiful) sister. She sends out "I don't want you to even talk to me," vibes, and guys don't. And she constantly complains that no one asks her out.
I am VERY happy that I found my husband when we were both at close to our highest weights (dating added a few more pounds). We're both very fat in our wedding pictures (probably my highest weight, and pretty close for him), and no matter how slim we get, those photos will always be proudly displayed.
I was always afraid to date guys that preferred fat women, because I feared that if I lost weight they might leave. I also was concerned (though in a more academic way, since I was overweight at the time) that if I lost the weight, I might find someone, only to lose them if I weren't able to keep the weight off.
I finally realized that I needed to find someone who could handle either situation. Finding a needle in a haystack would be easier I thought - so I placed an ad in a local newspaper's single column and a photo on the corresponding website. The ad was intelligent and funny and stated my physical stats (even my weight) and the fact that I was dieting and looking for someone in the same situation or sympathetic too it, who wasn't stuck on having a woman of a particular size. Even at almost 350 lbs, I got dozens of replies. Now, some of them were not what I was looking for, in fact most of them weren't what I was looking for. I'd just about concluded that there was no hope of my finding the right guy, to the point I didn't answer my now hubby's voicemail response to my ad. After several weeks, I thought "what the heck" and called him, because his message had been so sweet ("if we don't hit it off, we might still enjoy hanging out as friends" - or something like that).
The secret to finding love, especially the healthy kind, is being happy with yourself first. If you're afraid to be alone, it's going to be harder to find a healthy relationship, than if you enjoy your own company enough that you'd rather be alone that with someone who doesn't enhance your life. I told my husband that I had lived singly for so long, and enjoyed it so much, that I thought being married was going to be like the peace corps (the hardest job you'll ever love). I expected marriage to be a lot more difficult than singlehood (and it has been), and expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage (in over five years, I already have), but I don't think it would have been any easier had one or both of us been slim.
I think losing weight to enhance your life, isn't a bad goal (hubby and I both have that goal), but losing weight to "get" a life, rarely works out as expected. I think because the fantasy is that thinness will miraculously bring about self-esteem, confidence and sociability - a complete personality
overhaul, and it rarely works that way (except on Extreme Makeover).
I look at how and why I gained weight and couldn't lose it in my life, and it's mostly because I didn't make it a high enough priority - I was too busy living my life - friends, family, education, career, hobbies... and maybe that's why I don't regret much of it (except in how it impacted upon my health). Had I been putting my life on hold for the day that I was thin, maybe I'd regret more of it. Instead, a life is always like juggling - there are only so many balls you can keep in the air - and my weight was one of the balls I let drop. In hindsight, I should have kept that ball in play and sacrificed something else, probably my career (because it's what I had to give up anyway, when my health started to deteriorate). But, all in all, I've always liked myself, had great self-confidence, and been a very social person. I just never thought my weight was the most important thing about me (for good or bad).
I'm not saying that the secret to finding love is purely in attitude, but attitude can end the race before you're out of the starting gate.
Well it affects mine! We are comfortable with our sex life, even happy, but there are adjustments made because of weight. We have been together 3.5 years and I know he doesn't have a problem with my body and loves every bit of me, but I do not love myself. I turn the lights off for sex... I didn't in the beginning, and I was so paranoid that I didn't really let myself enjoy the experience. There are probably some position limitations, but I don't really care much about that. There are also particular parts of my body I don't want touched (stomach, sides, upper arms) and I sometimes leave a shirt on to avoid it.
I also find that when I'm off plan I don't physically good and lose a lot of my sex drive. When doing well on the diet, I feel better about myself and am a lot more into the idea.
-edit- Oh, and before him, I didn't really want a man to ever touch me... I was fine with dying a virgin. He's different though and makes me feel comfortable and wanted.
Last edited by JustSharing83; 08-13-2008 at 03:40 AM.
The first time hubby and I "got naked," it was a VERY awkward experience. We BOTH were terrified that the other wasn't going to like what we saw (as if either of us thought our clothes hid all THAT much).
But we got over that quicky enough. Maybe I would feel differently if hubby were model thin himself, but I don't think so, in that I wouldn't be with a guy I didn't feel completely free to be completely uninhibited with. My husband allows me to embrace my "inner hottie," because we really are utter soulmates, and he is able to see the outer and inner hottie. One of his nicknames for me is "hottie-wife."
We're both really fat, and have pain and health issues - they've had a much bigger impact on our sex life than the fat itself. Two meds I take one to help me sleep and another for pain are serotonin boosters take a good deal of the oomph out of sex for me, as both can make orgasm impossible, delayed, or diminished. So, we have to time encounters as far away from pill time as possible or skip a pill and hope that pain doesn't fizzle sex as much as the medication. There really isn't a position in which we're both comfortable (somebody's going numb, somewhere), so sex is more often a "turn-taking" than a simultaneous thing (though I understand that the simultaneous bit, is pretty unlikely for "normal" couples too). And we've had to learn to become creative when it comes to sex (I've already subjected you to far too much TMI, so I'll save you the gory details on that one).
When I was dating hubby, I have to admit that I was terrified. I wasn't even sure two people as fat as us COULD have sex (and belly to belly, we couldn't - uh things wouldn't connect). I didn't have a lot of experience except high school and college fumblings (when I was MUCH smaller), so while I'd "read" alot, I didn't "know alot" from experience.
I even bought some "manuals" and "fat porn" to read and see for myself what might work. Although most fat porn is fat girl and thin guy, it did give me a reasonable expectation that we could in fact get the bits to meet as needed.
Big Big Love, by Hanne Blank was a wonderful "how to" and pep talk book (out of print now, and whle avalaible on amazon.com, not for under $100).
The idea that sex and even worse, love is only for beautiful, young and ablebodied people puts limits on human beings that do not have to be. We can overcome our socialization and internal messages. But it takes trust, of ourselves and of the other person. I feel very sad for people who don't have that, because they're making their lives unneccessarily small. And the biggest injustice of obesity is that it can make a life smaller. Bad enough when it's physically caused, but so much worse when it's self-imposed.
Opening up my life has been so vital to getting the weight OFF. I no longer avoid normal activities and exercise, especialy "in public," because I deserve to be able to go for a walk, go swimming, have a normal sex life... just as much as anyone else. And the smaller my life is, the harder it is to stay away from using food as solace and laying in bed all day alone and depressed.
Well I have to say that intimacy isn't just about having sex in your relationship. My husband and I don't have sex as often as we use to, but I think that is due to us gaining weight and losing stamina. However, we still cuddle and sit next to each other and talk. I think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling he may be wondering why your intimacy has changed!
Kaplods I just want to say thank you for putting all that out there. I really appreciate it. I thought I had my soulmate, and perfect lover for that matter, but as he is likely going to leave me shortly, I find great hope in the way you handled finding the right person and the blessed life you have now. Thanks.
I'm the opposite of so many on here....I was totally comfortable with myself and the husband and I had a great sex life. BEFORE I dropped 70+ pounds.
Then, I knew what looked good and what didn't, how to play up what did and hide what didn't. I knew my body, and what I've got now just feels foreign. My underarms are saggy, my belly and inner thighs are too...and don't even get me started on my saggy, wrinkly "old lady" boobs!
It's like losing weight has killed my sex drive, because I don't want my husband to see or touch my body because I'm so afraid he'll feel something he doesn't like anymore.
Lyn, I'm glad to hear something I said helped, and sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope it doesn't destroy your ability to trust.
My husband, when we met, had a very hard time trusting me (if he hadn't gotten over it fairly quickly, I probably could not have been with him). His previous fiance (who had children he became very attached to) broke off their relationship suddenly, unexpectantly, and while he was in Wisconsin visiting his hospitalized great grandmother.
In some ways, my hubby doesn't understand the kind of trust I put in him (nor do his friends - he is the envy of the guys on "boys' nights" because they all have wives who aren't nearly as trusting as I am). But I tell my husband, my trusting him isn't even about him that much. I know that human beings do make mistakes (sometimes really stupid, stupid, stupid mistakes), but if I worried about what he was doing, I'd be hurt whether or not he was ever doing anything wrong. If he every would betray me, at least I'll only be hurt then, not the thousands of times before that that I worried about it.
It's kind of crazy, really. But, what's a little craziness in the scheme of living life to the fullest.
For me, that's what finally weight loss is about this time. Always before it was a deprivation - something I was willing to give up, in order to get more later on. Delayed gratification - but maybe I'm ultimately too selfish and hedonistic or just impulsive to deal with delayed gratification - eventually I give in. Heck, half the time I can't wait for Christmas to give gifts to people I love. The gift burns a whole in my pocket, like even cash can't - and I end up giving the gift on a "just because" occasion and then have to come up with something else for Christmas (I figure it's kind of rude to say in August - "here's your Christmas present).
To lose weight, I have to see it as a way I'm pampering myself NOW. Or make it that way, by making it a game or a competition (which is why a support group like TOPS is such a help for me - I only have to wait a week to get the "pay-off."
I didn't really have a problem with my sex life with DH--we've been together 22 years and I've yo-yo'd several times in that span. BUT, I definitely DO feel hornier when I feel better about myself, to the point where my sex drive is a lot higher than his! This could be a problem in the opposite way--he looks at me now that I'm losing again, and wonders what monster has been unleashed in our house, and where is his wife who used to be here? hehe.
I'm sure that will level off a bit--just for now I do feel the sexy hormones are a bit stronger every week.
He is either secretly pleased or secretly horrified--I'm not sure which.....
He is either secretly pleased or secretly horrified--I'm not sure which
LOL, this reminds me of when I was on Meridia. I've always had a higher sex drive than my husband, but when I ws taking the diet drug Meridia, my sex drive skyrocketed (any drug that affects neurotransmitters can do that).
I mean, it was ridiculous. Sexual daydreams were keeping me from concentrating at work, and at home - hubby was not so secretly horrified. He begged me to stop taking it, because the mood swings and aggressive sex drive made me "scary" he said.
I still find it funny, because it wasn't like I got out the leather or anything, I was just a LOT more affectionate than he could handle. Poor baby.
I've called my fiance a chubby chaser because he doesn't seem deterred at all. He just keeps saying I look beautiful and whatnot. I realize that I'm the only one with the problem with my weight when it comes to my love life. It doesn't seem to turn other people away either. I think its about the energy you put out for other people. I guess I'm energetic and fun and people see that before they see the weight.
I agree--your attitude really impacts how others see you, much more than your weight. We sometimes forget that. It is too bad that so often when we don't feel like we look good, though, we get depressed and project a negative attitude and a lack of energy, and it works against us.
What I mean is, I know overweight people that have NO problems attracting the opposite sex, and I know healthy weight people who do--and mostly because of the attitudes they are projecting, the personality they show to the world.
kaplods: I had to laugh--I can sooo identify with you. Even though I am not on Meridia, my hub doesn't know how to handle me lately. I am a bit over the top obsessed with sex and it feels good, to me, but I'm sure it will level off again. I have lost 20 lbs since April, 35 lbs. since last October, and I feel more energy, and darn it, sexier! I'm even just starting to wear a couple of dresses and skirts again. And sleeveless things (just starting to.)
I just feel more confident, I guess. He is admirably being supportive, hehe.
But I completely agree with you... Everyone deserves to be loved.
