Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?
My bf was fat when I met him and I was about 35 pounds thinner than I am now. I thought "Well, he'll start eating healthy and exercising and lose weight."
Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war. OK, about the same time I met him I developed a lot of health problems etc that were probably more then cause of my weight gain than his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help.
So basically, by 7 years into our relationship I had gained about 80 pounds (have since lost 45, phew!).
He never tried to "make" me gain weight, but he loves to cook, loves to eat out, and likes females a bit chubby anyway.
I just had to stop eating like the bf. Even when he eats "healthy" he eats a TON of food. Anyway I sometimes think "If it weren't for HIM I'd never have gotten so damn fat to begin with!"
Kind of. I definitely got less strict with myself when my fiance came to the US. And he encourages me to veg out on the couch and cuddle instead of exercising... I love to cuddle, but lying around in each other's arms for hours at a time, though wonderful (), really doesn't burn too many calories...
I don't resent him for it though... he eats pretty healthily (he eats too much bread and pasta though), and I feel like it's *my* job to make sure I do what I have to do. He will workout with me sometimes, which is nice, but I can't wait for him to do it, you know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmomma
Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?
My bf was fat when I met him and I was about 35 pounds thinner than I am now. I thought "Well, he'll start eating healthy and exercising and lose weight."
Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war. OK, about the same time I met him I developed a lot of health problems etc that were probably more then cause of my weight gain than his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help.
So basically, by 7 years into our relationship I had gained about 80 pounds (have since lost 45, phew!).
He never tried to "make" me gain weight, but he loves to cook, loves to eat out, and likes females a bit chubby anyway.
I just had to stop eating like the bf. Even when he eats "healthy" he eats a TON of food. Anyway I sometimes think "If it weren't for HIM I'd never have gotten so damn fat to begin with!"
This is such an interesting thread. I've been with my husband since I was 19 (married at 25), so 35 years now. I was in great shape until my late 30s I would say, and gained steadily since then. I truly must say it hasn't affected our sex life all that much. He is the same weight he always was. I'm sure he'd prefer me to be slim again since men are so visual, but we still have a good active sex life, daytime, lights on, etc. I do think a lot of it is how you feel about yourself. (although I do remember another poster who told me her husband didn't want to have sex with her since she gained weight, which made my heart hurt for her)
I think my weight is the main reason I don't HAVE a love life! When I was really young I did have a few boyfriends but they never lasted very long for various reasons, but when I started to gain weight my confidence disappeared and I shied away from all men. When I was growing up I had a really bad relationship with my father because of things he did to me, and that has had a negative effect on any potential relationships with men. I started putting on weight when my parents separated at the age of 10, and steadily grew bigger and bigger, and I think it was a defence mechanism, because I thought that if nobody liked me then they couldn't get close enough to hurt me. I secretly hate being single because I'm alone, and when all my friends have partners, I feel like the odd one out. But my insecurities won't let me open up to anybody so I pretend that I don't want a relationship and that I'm perfectly happy, so that people don't feel sorry for me. That way, it's my decision to be single, it's not because I'm not attractive or good enough for anybody to want to be with me, it's a conscious choice. In all honesty, I would never feel confident enough with anybody to be intimate with them at this weight, I'd constantly be worrying about what he thought of me, and whether he was regretting being with me, to enjoy anything. I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
I think my weight is the main reason I don't HAVE a love life! When I was really young I did have a few boyfriends but they never lasted very long for various reasons, but when I started to gain weight my confidence disappeared and I shied away from all men. When I was growing up I had a really bad relationship with my father because of things he did to me, and that has had a negative effect on any potential relationships with men. I started putting on weight when my parents separated at the age of 10, and steadily grew bigger and bigger, and I think it was a defence mechanism, because I thought that if nobody liked me then they couldn't get close enough to hurt me. I secretly hate being single because I'm alone, and when all my friends have partners, I feel like the odd one out. But my insecurities won't let me open up to anybody so I pretend that I don't want a relationship and that I'm perfectly happy, so that people don't feel sorry for me. That way, it's my decision to be single, it's not because I'm not attractive or good enough for anybody to want to be with me, it's a conscious choice. In all honesty, I would never feel confident enough with anybody to be intimate with them at this weight, I'd constantly be worrying about what he thought of me, and whether he was regretting being with me, to enjoy anything. I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
OMG, it's as if you pulled this directly from my brain. I never, ever have anyone ask me about a boyfriend or when I'll get married. I think it's a vibe I put out, make them think I don't want it before they ask, so I don't have to be put on the spot. For me, especially, I think the weight was just a defense mechanism for keeping people away. I have some major trust issues with people (from something that happened in high school), and if I didn't have people in my life, I didn't need to worry about them eff'ing me over. But now, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like this, but (and this is the part that really sucks) I still have this HUGE barrier to get over - 12 years of weight I want gone NOW (yeah, I know). I don't feel like this is who I really am, and how could someone like/love me now if they weren't getting to know the "real" me? Logically, I know this is just another excuse to avoid people. But I'm so embarrassed to have to be going through this (I was "happily numb" before), that I don't want to explain it to anyone else. Sometimes life just seems to... complicated.
Does anyone feel resentment towards her partner for "making" her gain weight?... Instead, he dragged me over to his side of the fat tug-of-war... his ugly dietary habits, but his love of fatty foods didn't help. Anyone else feel that way?
Here here! I met my hubby at the age of 20, after I had spent a long summer working out to lose 35 pounds. I met him at my all-time low (as an adult) 215 lbs, in a size XL/size 14. He was a big guy... and we had MAJOR chemistry.
He is a food pusher--- he loves to eat and he loves company when he eats. If I'm craving something and I mention it, it's never a "Jen, you really shouldn't" it's a "can we get a dozen donuts instead of just 2?"
Then we got older, got married, got real jobs, worked a lot, and swwwwooosh the love life dropped dramatically. Coincidentally, he gained 25 pounds since we met, I gained 80 pounds, lost 25 for our wedding, and gained it back within 6 months to my all time high of 302.4.
When we met, the first few years we had sex like rabbits, several times a day, all the time... it was crazy. I'm talking, we went for a long nature hike and didn't make it home without getting crazy in the forest. It was NUTS. It was frequent and hot, but never totally "fulfilling" on my end, if you get my drift.
So it decreased... he says b/c he was more interested in spending more time and making me happy, rather than frequent and quick... I felt like as I gained weight, he lost interest... I don't BELIEVE it, but I felt it.
So I know the POTENTIAL we had for a crazy exciting love life and I know he still finds me insanely attractive... I can dance nekkid for him and feel like a big floppy gross idiot... but he's sitting there with a huge grin and is all "ready" for what comes next... so I know it works and I know he loves me and I know he finds me sexy. It's just BELIEVING it.
I know with age and with weight and with stress sex goes downhill... I'm trying to convince myself it's the endurance and effort of it, and not the desire.
Hope that makes sense.
Last edited by BrandNewJen; 08-05-2008 at 02:50 PM.
OMG, it's as if you pulled this directly from my brain. I never, ever have anyone ask me about a boyfriend or when I'll get married. I think it's a vibe I put out, make them think I don't want it before they ask, so I don't have to be put on the spot. For me, especially, I think the weight was just a defense mechanism for keeping people away. I have some major trust issues with people (from something that happened in high school), and if I didn't have people in my life, I didn't need to worry about them eff'ing me over. But now, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like this, but (and this is the part that really sucks) I still have this HUGE barrier to get over - 12 years of weight I want gone NOW (yeah, I know). I don't feel like this is who I really am, and how could someone like/love me now if they weren't getting to know the "real" me? Logically, I know this is just another excuse to avoid people. But I'm so embarrassed to have to be going through this (I was "happily numb" before), that I don't want to explain it to anyone else. Sometimes life just seems to... complicated.
I know what you mean, about the trust thing. I think that for me, because of past experiences I don't trust men. In fact, I don't really trust people in general very easily either. It takes a lot for me to actually open up to someone, and I can count those people I do trust on one hand, which is kind of sad. Sometimes I wish I could trust people more, but then I know that that will most likely end up with me being hurt or disappointed and I'll end up alone, and turning to food to make it all better again. Also, I don't know if this is a common thing, but I know for me, even when [not IF] I lose the weight I want to, I'll still have all the insecurities the fat version of me has. Losing weight doesn't automatically make you any more open to letting people in, and that's something I'll have to deal with when the time comes. As sad as it is, I think I'll always be the misunderstood little fat girl in my head. She won't be leaving anytime soon!
I was also 'happily numb' for a really long time too! It's not that I didn't 'know' that I was fat, I mean it was pretty obvious to everybody, it's not exactly easy to hide!! But it was like I was disconnected from my body, and I didn't feel any difference in it, or notice the changes. For as long as I can remember I was always the fat chick. Always the one people turned to for advice etc, but nobody really paid much attention to. Because everyone accepted it, it was never an issue, and although I hated it there was never any motivation do do anything about it because nobody made it a problem. I guess you could say I got used to it. I think it just takes someone to make one specific comment, or catch a glance from a stranger etc, something really small , but enough to make you realise that this isn't the way you wanted your life to be, and decide to do something about it. I can tell you've found that motivation, and I hope you're successful! Good luck! xxx
I've always thought that when I'm thin I'll be everything I wanted to be - confident, popular, attractive, and that there's a sexy, pretty girl trying to get out. I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight would solve all of my problems and that life will be perfect because I know that life never is perfect. Weight loss isn't a miracle cure-all, and isn't the answer to everything. But for me, I have to believe that I'll be happier when it's gone. I need to believe that when I'm thinner my life will change for the better. Because if nothing were to change, if everything in your life stayed exactly the same - you were just as happy, kept the same friends, the same job, your confidence didn't improve and you didn't generally feel better about yourself and your life, then apart from being a little healthier, what's the point of losing the weight and putting yourself through that exhausting [both physically and mentally] process, making a conscious decision to eat healthier and denying yourself things you used to enjoy, if you get nothing from it. I personally need to believe that when I'm thinner, I will meet the guy of my dreams because the alternative is the life I have now, and I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
I can relate so much to all of this. It always sounds so bad to say "I could have ______ if I just lost weight," because of course the natural question is, how is your weight preventing you from having it now? And yet, I always feel that way--a person's weight affects virtually every aspect of their lives in SOME way, and personally I think it's a little naive to pretend otherwise. Yes, plenty of men find overweight women attractive, but the majority do not. Therefore, losing weight will probably help me to meet more men. Or, yes, many overweight woman are successful, but many others get passed over for promotions, etc (or don't even get hired!) in favor of a thinner woman. I don't think it's unhealthy to recognize that ones weight loss will indeed have some positive effects on his or her life--as long as you understand that it won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes. Hope I'm making sense, heh.
Best of luck to you with your weight loss. Seems like you're doing pretty well already, so I hope you stick with it!
I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
I can relate so much to all of this. It always sounds so bad to say "I could have ______ if I just lost weight," because of course the natural question is, how is your weight preventing you from having it now? And yet, I always feel that way--a person's weight affects virtually every aspect of their lives in SOME way, and personally I think it's a little naive to pretend otherwise. Yes, plenty of men find overweight women attractive, but the majority do not. Therefore, losing weight will probably help me to meet more men. Or, yes, many overweight woman are successful, but many others get passed over for promotions, etc (or don't even get hired!) in favor of a thinner woman. I don't think it's unhealthy to recognize that ones weight loss will indeed have some positive effects on his or her life--as long as you understand that it won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes. Hope I'm making sense, heh.
I have to kindly and respectfully disagree with this to a large degree.
If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less? And I *do* most sincerely mean that with respect and care.
I also don't belive that "the majority" of men prefer skinny women. Just as most women would ooh-and-ahh over some hardbodied actor, that doesn't mean that we require our spouses or boyfriends to look like that. Just because my guy tells me that he thinks Ashley Judd is super-hot, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me at the size I am.
I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?
My husband and I just celebrated our 11th anniversary. The first two years we were like bunnies, and it was wonderful.
He's a great cook so we've both gained weight since then (his mantra: If you love it, feed it). I was overweight when we met, but I was walking a couple of miles every day so was quite fit. Now, we're a couple of couch potatoes and we haven't made love in years. We've never discussed that fact but (to me) it's like the 800-pound gorilla in the room.
I'm hoping to get us both on a better lifestyle regimen so we'll have the energy to "bring back the fire".
The only weight that affects my love life lies between my ears...when I am unable to put all the self doubt aside problems come into play. The times that I allow myself to listen and actually hear the compliments telling me I am beautiful, sexy, delicious, etc..I am so hot I glow, lol. Personally it is me that affects my love life not my weight.
I have to kindly and respectfully disagree with this to a large degree.
If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less? And I *do* most sincerely mean that with respect and care.
I also don't belive that "the majority" of men prefer skinny women. Just as most women would ooh-and-ahh over some hardbodied actor, that doesn't mean that we require our spouses or boyfriends to look like that. Just because my guy tells me that he thinks Ashley Judd is super-hot, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me at the size I am.
I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?
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Perhaps I should (also kindly and respectfully ) clarify a few things...
I do 100% believe I am deserving of love! I don't know where you seemed to have gotten the impression that I don't. Personally, my primary reason for wanting to lose weight is so I can be healthy (as it should be for everyone IMO), BUT I do believe that losing weight could help others to notice me in a more positive way. It's not at all that I don't think I should be loved until I'm thinner, but as many people make judgments based on appearance (myself included), I don't feel that it's fair to condemn a man for not liking me because I'm overweight. It's similar to not liking freckles, or brown hair, or whatever. However, I do sincerely believe that there's a greater proportion of men who find fat unattractive than there are men who might dislike some of those other physical characteristics, and their aversion is much stronger.
Therefore, it seems very logical to me that I will get more attention from men after I lose weight. Not because I'll be a better person, but because they may perceive me to be. Yes, I know that this is a warped view of "goodness," but it's not entirely unfounded--many people have reported that they got more attention from the opposite sex after losing weight, so I know I'm not delusional in that sense. Yes, I do believe that I am a valuable person, regardless of my weight, and I did make sure to say that "[weight loss] won't change everything, and that in the end the it's up to you to make the big changes"--what I meant is essentially what you said, that if you don't love yourself before you lose weight, you probably won't love yourself after, either. Sorry if that wasn't clear in the way that I worded it, but I certainly do have healthy self-esteem/confidence, so I'm looking forward to more men being able to recognize how great I am when I lose weight. Not to say that there aren't plenty of other things a man could dislike about me (hehe), but if they my weight keeps me from getting a chance in the first place, they'll never even be able to find out about all of my other annoying characteristics. Again, not saying that I approve of people being judged by their looks, but I just want to be realistic--especially since I, too, judge people by their appearances, so I don't think it would be fair for me to criticize others for doing the same thing. Hope that makes sense.
Ps. If you truly do disagree that men don't prefer slender women, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Certainly most men don't mind a few curves/would probably prefer a slightly curvier woman over a skeleton, but I'm talking about a woman (such as myself) who is unhealthily overweight. There's a definite distinction between curvy and FAT. I know it, and so do men.
I don't know where you seemed to have gotten the impression that I don't.
I don't think I ever said you did. If you notice I also quoted the person above you who said: I don't want to be fat and single the rest of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved, and to feel like I deserve to be loved.
Which is, to some degree what I was talking about with my comments about how we need to feel deserving of love, no matter what size we are.
If *you* don't feel like you're deserving of love when you weigh more, what makes you think you're going to feel worth being loved when you weigh less?
I think that WE as women need to stop buying into this BS and start loving ourselves. We cannot expect to be loved by someone else until WE love ourselves. That doesn't mean you have to like your weight or buy into the idea that it's ok to be fat ... but until WE accept that we are valuable people regardless of our weight, how can we possibly expect other people to accept it?
I do appreciate and agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying. It's true that everybody deserves to be loved, and maybe what I was trying to say didn't come out right. When you spend pretty much your entire childhood being told that you're not good enough and that nobody will ever want you and nothing you do will ever be enough, it's hard to not end up ultimately believing it. Even now I've 'grown up' and know better, that voice is still in my head, and in today's appearance obsessed society, the idea that thin = success + happiness only reinforces that insecurity.
What I meant in my original post was that as I am, I don't love me. I hate waking up every morning in this body that doesn't feel like my own. And it's *because* I don't love myself the way I am that I don't really expect anybody else to. Until I'm happy with my body and myself in general, I don't expect other people to feel that way about me, and would find it hard to believe if they actually did. I'm cynical like that!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Star2Be
I do believe that losing weight could help others to notice me in a more positive way.
Therefore, it seems very logical to me that I will get more attention from men after I lose weight. Not because I'll be a better person, but because they may perceive me to be.
I'm looking forward to more men being able to recognize how great I am when I lose weight. Not to say that there aren't plenty of other things a man could dislike about me (hehe), but if my weight keeps me from getting a chance in the first place, they'll never even be able to find out about all of my other annoying characteristics.
Exactly! Before the *L* word is ever even close to being mentioned, there has to be an inital attraction. People, not just men, do judge first and foremost on appearance. If you don't like the look of a person, or the way they dress or talk etc, then you're not likely to approach them or want to get to know them in that way.
I've always felt that my weight is something to effectively hide behind. If I liked somebody but they didn't like me, in my head it was always *because I'm fat* It had nothing to do with me, or my personality or that I had faults. It was a way of convincing myself that I'm a good person, they just couldn't see through the physical layer.
I do have really good days, when I am truly confident and believe that people are attracted to me, and I love those days! But then I look in a mirror and see just how far I still have to go and it's discouraging. I do deep down believe that I as much as anyone deserve to be loved [I think deserve's the wrong word though], but I think from time to time you just need to be reassured/reminded of it!
Wow.......it's not your weight that puts them off, it's the way you carry yourself. It's not "trying" to be confident either, just enjoy keeping yourself company and it'll do wonders. If you think that weight is the deciding factor for an initial attraction for a guy then you really don't think that guys have a brain other than the one that is in between their legs Granted some guys are shallow but if you are encountering those a lot then it's time to change your surroundings.
You have to be truly happy with yourself first before anything will happen. It will show in the way you carry yourself! Check out my screen name! I say these things because this is what I do for a living! lol A great relationship with yourself will about out live any relationship you can have with a partner.
And don't go on the defensive after reading this. It's not directed at anyone in general. After reading everything in this thread I just had to say something.
Last edited by TJFitnessDiva; 08-08-2008 at 06:40 AM.
), really doesn't burn too many calories...
