I was wondering how your weight affects the intimacy in your relationship.
My weight doesn't. I'm all about lights-on-eyes-open (candlelight is nice!)! I wasn't always like that though. My DH has played a HUGE part in helping me be comfortable and communicating that I turn him on - my body, the way it is today, with all its so-called imperfections turns him on. The thing I notice the most about sex while losing the weight is that when I'm consistent with exercise I have much more endurance, flexibility, strength...
I saw this post and I hope it is OK for a guy to post on the topic. I was over weight for most of my life – I spent about 35 years obese and probably close to 30 years morbidly obese. This is something I have thought about a lot over the years. About 4 ½ years ago I came to the realization that I had to lose weight and get healthy or I would die and leave my then 6 year old daughter without a Dad. I had two failed marriages before I got married to a girl I had a huge crush on in High School. How did weight affect my sex life? I think that the way more important question that each of us needs to ask is; how did the weight affect my life? For me being almost 600 pounds impacted every part of my life. I know the whole it is who we are inside that is important – and in a large part that is true. However, none of us should accept that we have to be overweight. We all have the power to change – it is just that we don’t realize that we have that power.
I could not love myself when I was over 350 pounds overweight. I sure could not love someone else in a healthy relationship. Now I am not saying that is true for everyone – just my own person experience. I don’t think any of us needs to put our life on “hold” until we reach some magic number on the scale. What I do think that we should do is to realize that we can all make progress and improve our physical fitness. Everything in life is better if you have a fit and healthy body. I never knew how much that was true until I got fit. I am no exercise “freak”. I don’t have a perfect body and really don’t think that women need to hold themselves up to some movie star standard. The only person you should try to look like is how you would like to look. What do you want to be able to do? Run, ride a bike for hours, swim, play, make love to someone you love with a passion that you can hardly imagine? For me, I finally found out the true meaning of love and passion. It is not some superficial looks thing – it is about having a body that works as it was intended to work. It is about how you feel about yourself. There is a wide range of fitness and weight that are still healthy and that we can feel good about. Don’t do it for great sex, don’t do it for love, don’t do it for looks or some girl or boyfriend, do it for you. You are worth it.
I can't even say how great it is to see that some of you have felt the same way that I do... I guess I might have suspected, but it's always easier to go down the "no one understands me" route, heh. I do love myself, but I think a lot of what Charles78 is ringing true for me. To be honest, I don't love my body. I love my self, yes--I'm awfully stubborn (and the least punctual person you could ever meet), but I'd be hard-pressed to find any aspect of my personality that I don't fully embrace and love. But, I dunno, it's not enough. I want to love everything. Furthermore, I believe that I deserve to have someone else in my life who also loves everything about me... Yes, everything. Of course I agree that relationships should be mostly mental, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who I didn't truly find attractive, so I can't ask for that from anyone else. When it comes down to it, I think looks DO matter.
I'm always paranoid about coming across as one of those people who has an attitude like "my life would be so much better if I lost weight," because of course I know that if I don't love myself now, I'm not going to love myself minus a few lbs. But honestly, I do love myself--and it's because I love myself so much that I want to treat myself to a healthy body and a happier outlook on life. And I know that losing weight will help do those things for me.
This is an interesting topic. For me.. I haven't had a 'personal' life in about 7 years. When I had a huge weightloss after highschool, before gaining it back, I had a boyfriend. He always got mad when I ignored him when he complimented my looks. As far as the intimate stuff, I was always very shy and I remembering him asking once, "Why do you always cover yourself up?" It wasn't an accusatory thing.. it was like he was just sweetly clueless about it. Since then.. and my weight gain... I've really just been avoiding that sort of thing altogether.
You know, my weight has never effected my love life much. I only got heavier once I was married and had a baby, the hub has always been great about making me feel great.
He's a big guy, a bit overweight, and his weight does effect it indirectly.
He snores and I'm a VERY light sleeper. I think he snores because he's a bit heavy as he said he never snored when he was younger and lighter. I just can't sleep with all of that noise. A few years ago I started sleeping in a separate bed, which reduces 'chance encounters' at night.
He's started getting healthier this year though, and I'm hoping that the snoring eases up a bit in the process. I'm so proud of him for hopping on board!
I'm thrilled to hear everyone's experiences with this, I guess I'm just waiting for someone to speak up that is in a similar situation as mine. I don't think that intimacy was as much of an "issue" when my husband was also overweight. But now he is literally like a personal trainer (thin, muscular, with stamina for days) and I've just gained weight. Even when I hug him, I feel like I'm smothering him because he is so small compared to me. Then I start getting upset because I'm hearing so many of you talk about how your husbands/boyfriends make you feel comfortable. I just think my husband has been so used to me pushing him away for so long...he doesn't know what to do anymore.
I'm starting to think it is more of an actual intimacy issue than a weight issue.
I can KINDA relate. When I met my fiance, he had just arrived in Italy from Albania and he was TEENY and so skinny -- I mean, he was also musclar and in good shape, but he was super thin. I was about the same as i am now. When I first met him, I thought he was very handsome, but I felt tremendous next to him. On top of that, I had ZERO sexual experience, so I felt pretty uncomfortable at first.
(He's since gained some weight, btw, so while he's still lighter and thinner than me, he isn't so teeny anymore )
Do you and your husband workout together? ETA: I ask this bc while my weight was never an issue for my fiance, seeing me work out as hard and often as I do helped him appreciate how hard I work to take care of myself (or try to, at any rate) and he's impressed by my energy level and dedication (even if I get stuck on a zillion plateaus).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess8
Wow, this really turned into a popular thread!
I'm thrilled to hear everyone's experiences with this, I guess I'm just waiting for someone to speak up that is in a similar situation as mine. I don't think that intimacy was as much of an "issue" when my husband was also overweight. But now he is literally like a personal trainer (thin, muscular, with stamina for days) and I've just gained weight. Even when I hug him, I feel like I'm smothering him because he is so small compared to me. Then I start getting upset because I'm hearing so many of you talk about how your husbands/boyfriends make you feel comfortable. I just think my husband has been so used to me pushing him away for so long...he doesn't know what to do anymore.
I'm starting to think it is more of an actual intimacy issue than a weight issue.
What I consider working out would be like sleeping to my husband. He plays baseball on a semi-pro league, softball, basketball, soccer, football...and he's always the crazy one running around like the Energizer bunny. It's exhausting just watching him.
He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet.
I definitely understand feeling uncomfortable exercising outside but I would take him up on his offer to walk with you -- some of the best moments I spend with my fiance are when we're taking walks together
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess8
What I consider working out would be like sleeping to my husband. He plays baseball on a semi-pro league, softball, basketball, soccer, football...and he's always the crazy one running around like the Energizer bunny. It's exhausting just watching him.
He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet.
He's offered to go walking with me in the evenings after work, I'm just not comfortable exercising outdoors yet.
Take him up on this. Seriously. It's a start.
I will say this from my own personal experience: rejection will kill the desire eventually. If you've been rejected and rebuffed often enough, then eventually you decide it's not worth the effort to even try. At that point, any attempt on the part of the other partner to initiate often is met with an attitude of "why bother" ... because one time is just a tease.
One of the reasons my marriage failed is because my husband's issues caused him to reject sex. It wasn't about my looks or me ... it was about his issues that caused him to be uninterested, all of which we discussed in counseling. But no matter how much I know that intellectually, emotionally ... after a while ... I was done. I just couldn't deal with the constant rejection and I gave up.
It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life, because I still loved him (and still do) very much. But I had lost all desire to be with him because I will never know if he truly desires me or is just providing me with "obligation sex".And I'm not willing to go the rest of my life wondering if I'll be rejected or not if I try.
FWIW.
.
Last edited by PhotoChick; 07-23-2008 at 04:47 PM.
Maybe because I've always been heavy, I don't view intimacy and romantic stuff as reserved for the Victoria Secret models among us -- if someone loves you, they love you. And sex with you and all your wobbly bits beats NO SEX for them, right????
I was always the "best friend BIG GIRL" for guys, listening to their stories of their girlfriends, etc., or sometimes a guy would date me because he assumed that, as a big girl, I would be happy for ANY attention and would be an easy lay - NOT SO MUCH! So at the ripe old age of 25 (the oldest virgin ever, i felt) I met my future hubby. He & I hit if off right away, and one time over coffee, i took his hand and said "You know, you're such a great guy - I'm SO going to find the perfect girl for you" and AS IF HE SAID "What if YOU'RE the perfect girl for me?" I"M NOT EVEN KIDDING!!! LOL A year and a bit later, we were married and happily ever after - he makes me feel sexy so I go with it! I think not having children may help LOL I'd be exhausted otherwise!
I really think enthusiasm for the process will trump anything you don't want seen - wear some lingerie and keep it on if that makes you feel more comfy?
Jess - I say take him up on the offer to walk together in the evenings too!! Just spending that time together cannot hurt your relationship! You mentioned that he also has been overweight in the past, so I bet he understands more than you think. My DH is also very muscular, athletic and fit, but long before I knew him he was 70 pounds overweight. So he understands the journey it is to get healthy. So much of it is in our heads. Good luck!
My husband had intimacy issues with the woman who was his fiance before me. She was very overweight (though not as overweight as I) but had been much thinner when they met. They were living together and she was very self-consciouls about the weight she'd put on. There were a lot of other issues, as she was deaf and all of her deaf friends were pushing her to date someone from "her own community" meaning a deaf man.
My "enthusiasm" absolutelty thrilled my husband (and intimidated him a bit too, he said). He's dated women of varying sizes and levels of "baggage" (one woman, drop-dead-gorgeous but turns out had drug issues). I'm the biggest woman he's ever dated, but the most "together." (His words). I have more education than he does and was making more money when we met. It has been hard to convince him that he is "worthy" of me, and he is half-convinced I think that when I lose the weight I will leave him. I tell him that I was not "desperate" for male attention at my highest weight, and didn't "settle" for him in any way. He was exactly what I HAD always been looking for: smart, funny in a slightly and benignly twisted way, a little odd and nerdy, with mostly traditional values, honest and honorable. He is ALL of those things, and that he loves dorky sci fi and irish music BONUS!!
His insecurities were a problem for us for a while. Because by his thinking I was "too good" for him, made me resent the fact that he didn't "trust" me. I got him to see this, basically because he told me how wonderful it was for me to be so enthusiastic and open about intimacy. He said that women he's been with with insecurites regarding sex and intimacy made HIM feel that way. "She must think I'm a real jerk, if she thinks I'm so shallow as to find her repulsive because of a jiggly tummy."
I know that so much of this is almost hardwired into us. I think it's important for couples with problems to get counseling while the insecurities are small, because they only grow and build resentments. If you can't "overcome" your fear of intimacy, then being in an intimate relationship is going to be a problem. People are going to get hurt by rejection and by the unspoken accusation that "you don't love me enough to find me sexy" or WORSE "you must be crazy or a pervert of some kind to find me sexy."
I haven't had much of a love life at all...I've always been big, and in high school, boys used to make me feel like I was the most repulsive thing on the planet! It was hard to lose those feelings as I got older...I didn't even try to attract men because I figured, what was the use? He wouldn't be interested. My weight held me back in that way, but it was just my own insecurity. I always saw big women with mates, and didn't think they were unworthy of love or attraction, just me. I did hook up every now and then, very rarely..but only if they made the first move.
Now, I am nearly 100 pounds less than before (I'm still not done!), and my love life is still non-existent! But I am more confident, and feel that if I put a bit of effort into it, then I could attract someone...I work two jobs and don't get to go out a lot, but I have noticed men are more flirty and make small talk with me more, and just say "hi" walking down the street. But I am more confident and feel it shows...I am a lot friendlier and flirtier myself! So right now there is no one, but don't think that it is due to my weight.
Sweet
)
Ha!
