off topic: breakup advice
 

Totally off topic, but I've come to depend on the words of wisdom here, and I can't think of a better place to ask.

I want to break up with the guy I'm seeing. We've only been on four or five dates, so it's not very serious - except from things that he's said, I get the feeling that it's a whole lot more serious in his head than it is in mine. He's a nice guy, I like him, but I don't like him enough to want to keep dating him. I've never been good at instigating breakups, and I want to make this one as easy as possible for both of us. So here's the question:

How do I best do this? Am I best off doing it on the phone, or in person? If in person, should I do it in a public place (over coffee, for example) or a private one (my place)? Any other advice for making this as painless as possible?

Thanks.

Lisa

Okay, I don't belong here but I thought I'd put in my 2 cents. 4 or 5 dates isn't exactly a "couple" yet, but you do owe him some sort of explanation so I'd say a "listen, I don't think this is working out, it's not you it's me" type thing is just fine next time he calls. It's few enough dates where you've saved yourself from having to do it in person I'd say.

Yeah, I'd agree after 4 or 5 dates, you are still in the initial stages and wouldn't really call it a relationship. I'd do it over the phone, letting him know that you think he is a good guy but you don't feel he is the guy for you.

Also, my advice (which I learned the hard way), if he says he just wants to be friends, tell him you don't think that would work.

I agree - over the phone is best. Since it's only been 4 or 5 dates, there's no reason for you to subject yourself to an in-person break up. Keep it kind and short.

Breaking up sucks - for both people. Even when it's the right thing to do. Good luck!

Another vote for over the phone. It is so awkward in person and you honestly haven't dated long enough to owe him that. I'm hoping he isn't some one you work with our have to see again in your daily life, those are difficult. Just tell him the truth, you just aren't feeling it -- you had a nice time on the few dates you had but you don't want to waste his time if it isn't there.

I've not had any experience with this once-o-ever. But I do agree with the over the phone thing, for all the reasons stated above. :)
I hope it goes well for you.

Just thought I'd chime in too. By "over the phone" you do mean actually talking to him, not just texting him right? I think the phone idea is good too, I just was worried that we were talking about texting the guy.

Okay, I hear ya. Phone call is the way to go - and I'm really glad it doesn't have to be in person.

Like I said, I know it's not a relationship, but he seems to think it is, which is part of why I was struggling with how to approach it.

Thanks, everyone!

Lisa

You've got great advice already, I just wanted to lend some moral support - even tho you're "not feeling it" with him, it sucks having to hurt someone's feelings :( But a little bump now is better than waiting ~ good luck !

Wow....I'm the oddball here. I think this type of thing should be done in person, but in a public place.

For me, I think there is a line at which it should be done in person versus over the phone. If you've gone out with someone more than a few times, consider the person your boyfriend or consider the relationship somewhat serious, then I do think in person is the way to do it.

Or you can always be"busy" when he calls, he'll get the idea.

Just curious, why in a public place? Is it out of concern for safety? Otherwise, it seems that potentially upsetting someone out of their element, where they have to drive back home or may have a reaction that is embarrassing to have on display publicly seems a bit more cruel than doing it at the door to their home or on the porch etc.

I actually did this when I was in college (~20) and I felt horrible about it. We weren't serious, he wasn't my boyfriend but we had gone on a number of dates and he was way more interested in me than I was in him. I wish I had just called him or answered the phone and told him that I wasn't interested in continuing to see him.

I'd do it in person, but over coffee or something. I agree that a phone call breakup might be acceptable, but I still think it's better form to do it in person (and not in your house... if you go out to have coffee or something, you then both go your own separate ways after the conversation is over, rather than him having to leave your home, you know?)