Two days into going off sugar, and I feel like an addict in withdrawl! There are some stressful things going on right now and hubby got in late, everyone was starving, I was fighting really hard not to just run out for pizza and woof down all the cinnamon breadsticks possible...I let hubby choose and he said he'd make steak, baked potatoes, and a salad. I told myself that's great, I can have a big salad and cut up some of the steak on top (not cooked in grease or anything), and be on plan.
BUT, in the back of my head I was dying for the ice cream out in the deep freeze. We didn't have foil to bake the taters, and the lettuce had gone bad, so off I go to the store...alone, and thinking of a dozen donuts, which in this mood I would normally eat half the box on my way home!
the drive there, my thoughts were nonstop insanity! I was first on a high, so happy that I was going alone and could buy donuts, eat them on the way home, and no one would know. Then I reminded myself I am not eating sugar, and I felt sad almost. Okay, so I'd have those sugar free cookies then...but I knew I would eat the entire package and it would be just as bad. I thought maybe I'd stop at McDs and just get something, but the line was very long and I knew it would be WAY off plan.
Got to the store telling myself I could do this, I could make it out without the sugar fix. I went straight toward the candy aisle, turned away and went to the produce section instead, taking deep breaths and saying "I can do this." Looked at the bagged lettuce, found one that didn't look half rotten, and saw the deli made mexican bean dip that I have always loved. Put it in the buggy, thinking I would have that with chips. Back of my head screaming to read the ingredients, but I didn't want to do that, I walked away telling myself it's just beans and cheese, it's fine.
Went for the foil, guilted myself into looking at the bean dip label...second ingredient was hydrogenized lard no longer even looked appetizing, walked it back to the produce section, put it down. Stood there like an idiot wondering where I could go, what could I get...I felt like a cocaine addict standing on a corner waiting for the dealer to show! It was like a panicky feeling that I could not leave without something sugary, something sweet.
Then I remembered fresh blueberries were BOGO this week, picked up two little pints, and set my mind to walk straight to the register. Had to pass a large display of donuts on the way, literally turned my head away so I didn't look. Stared at donuts on the next aisle over as I checked out, all the while screaming that I want them! All of them!
I got out of the store with just the blueberries, but felt very frustrated and tense...and I had a headache coming on, literally!
Final dinner: large salad with really good lite vinegar dressing and half a small package blueberries for that sweet taste.
I realize now that I didn't want the donuts, it was like I felt I NEEDED them, they were what I always turned to on stressful nights. Someone please tell me this gets easier at some point...or am I just insane???