I really don't think I've ever felt this low before in my life.

My favorite band plays in San Antonio tonight, and I had tickets. But am I there? No, of course not. And why am I not there? Because I didn't want to be "the fat girl".

I never realized before how much I was letting my weight control my life and keep me from doing the things I want to do so badly. Like yesterday, I was in a really nice store with my mom getting some new running shoes, and somehow we would up in the dress department. I was looking through all of the pretty, tiny little dresses, and I was almost in tears because I want so badly to be able to WEAR one of those pretty, tiny little dresses.

So instead of being in San Antonio rocking out with my favorite guys in the whole world, I took a shift at work, just to have a legitimate excuse not to go, so I wouldn't have to tell people I just didn't feel like being the fat girl in the crowd.

I'm so SICK of being controlled by food, by my size, by the fact that I'm larger than 90% of the people I meet. I feel so stupid and so pathetic for letting this keep me from enjoying my life, but I feel even stupider for letting it get this out of hand in the first place.

I just feel so helpless, so hopeless. Like no matter what I do, it's never going to be enough. Like maybe I'm meant to be fat and miserable and alone. I could just be a crazy cat lady...

As bad as this hurts right now, I want to remember the way it feels. I want to remember how much this sucks, so I can remember that I'm changing for a reason, so I can actually LIVE. I'm sick of just being alive, but not really living. It's one thing to breathe and to think, but it's another thing to truly live, and that's what I want to be able to do, finally, after almost 20 years.

I want to remember this, so I have a reason to keep going, to keep fighting, because I'm not just fighting for a number or a size anymore, I'm fighting for my life. I'm fighting for my chance to be a real 19 year old, fighting for my chance to be a real person, to be looked at as more than "the fat girl". No matter how much it sucks and hurts, I have to do this.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I think sometimes it takes moments like this to get us to get moving. As bad as it is, the pain I felt this summer really fuels me.

I've always promised myself that I would not let my weight hold be back. Even when I couldn't fit into my favorite rollor coasters(and I am a junkie), I still didn't get it. This year, it did it. I was at 4-H camp. I've always hated these two hills that are killers. We had to go to the boat docks for a team thing. I was an Adult Counselor and I was the very last person along with the 3/4 slacking/fraternizing Junior counselors. The other AC, about 25 years my senior comes to me and (I know this is his personaility but it HURT) goads how he is the older and fatter than me and in the lead. By the time I get to the top, I'm crying. Then, the next course...the challenge course which is a long way off, too. I'm still sniffling, I think. By the time, I see my mom I'm broken down trying to tell her what happened. I think one of the kids saw me crying to. And I hate it when that happens. It hurt so much.

I realized I was keeping my weight from letting me live life. I'm sick of huffing and puffing up hills. I want to be fit and not be fat. Yes, I am still fat but in a year, I won't. I'll probably look better than other girls and be able to kill hills like that with ease. I want it so bad to go to 4-H camp and feel more comfortable in my skin.

I know how that feels. I feel like I have the body of a 40 year old and am only 20. I want to look normal and live life like all my peers.

We can do this together. *hugs*

I totally know how you feel. This was me for the majority of my life. But honestly you can't wait until you lose weight to start living your life. Once you realize that no one really cares that you are fat it makes things like going to shows or amusement parks so much easier. Don't wait for anything or anyone to start having fun and doing what you want. You just have to get out there and do it!

That is something good to remember. I was 250+ in high school and I still went to Australia and climbed the big bridge in Sydney(around 2000 or so steps). I went to England and repelled off a castle. I was a state office for FCCLA. You can do things fat.

Sara and Daimere -

Those are incredibly sad stories. I'm so sorry that either of you had to go through that pain.

I would encourage you though, Sara, not to hide away until you're thin. First - when is it that you will be thin enough to enjoy a concert? There are too many things that are legitimately tough to do because of weight issues that I would hate to see you deprive yourself of an opportunity because you feel uncomfortable. It's really hard to put aside the embarrassment, I know, but self-consciousness will not go away just because the pounds go away. I know too many thin people who are self-conscious of their acne or their teeth or the shape of their eyes or ... well, you get it. Why let only the few "perfect people" who know they're perfect have all the fun? There are so many women on this board who are not yet thin, but who grab life and enjoy it. Just two examples from all of the ones that pop up quickly to my mind:

Goddess Jessica has completed two triathlons - which included going out in public in a swimming suit! Look up some of her posts. She tells some amazing stories, both about that and other things.

Trazey's brimming with life, and I don't think she's ever backed off from anything in her entire life. If my favorite band were coming to my area and Trazey lived here, too, I would buy her a ticket and make her go with me because there's no doubt in my mind that the girl knows how to party!

Nineteen's a really hard age, especially with all of the media presentations of what life is supposed to be like at that age. The progress you make with your weight will help you build confidence, which will spill into all other area of your life, I predict. Until then, though, don't live in a self-induced social coma. I know that when I feel better about who I am and what I can accomplish, my weight loss struggle becomes much easier. The self-flagellation, on the other hand, seems to lead only to either starvation or bingeing, neither of which are fun or life-enhancing.

From your other posts, I have an idea of how much good you do and how much better you make your world. You DESERVE to have a good time.

I know I could do things, but the fact of the matter is that I'm so self conscious that doing anything is pointless when I can't enjoy it because I'm so busy wondering who's staring at me or who's whispering behind my back.

I probably need therapy, but yeah, that's just how I am. Why would I want to put myself out there when I know how it always ends up? I always end up feeling worse than I did before, lonelier than I did before, more disgusted than I did before.

Sara I think you are gorgeous.

I am sorry you feel inhibited by your size. I know I hid away from doing things with my highschool friends for a couple of years because I was just so ashamed of what I had become. I didn't want to think about the things they said about me once I was gone. "Oh my God she gained so much weight".."How'd she get so FAT?"

But please don't put life on hold. It's not worth it. That concert would have been awesome no matter what your size. I feel so much regret for missing so much time with people I care about.

*big hugs*

Therapy is good. It benefited me tremendously. But, here's a shortcut. Not as good as therapy, of course, but helpful.

You have created a self-fulfilling prophecy that you seem to be very good at fulfilling. Try substituting it with another one. Queen Latifah always seems to be having a good time at events, and though I know some people are not complimentary of her, most people I know really respect and admire her. So, you're her. You don't need the world's approval. You know how to have a good time and enjoy life.

It's not easy to do. But it is worth doing.

Sara,
One of the hardest lessons I have learned in my 50 years on earth is that how I feel should not be dictated by others. I used to be my own worst enemy. I perceived that others were talking about me, that looks had certain meanings, etc. In reality, I was blowing things out of proportion and allowing my perception to become my reality. Only you can let yourself be hurt by these people. Yes, people CAN say and do cruel and hurtful things. But, I always tell myself to consider the source. People that do this are usually trying to make themselves feel better at my expense. Do I really care what a person who behaves like that says or does? Am I going to let my happiness be affected by the likes of them? Absolutely NOT!
Surround yourself with friends that love and accept you for who you are, not how much you weigh. Then - get out there - enjoy life - have fun - and celebrate what a wonderful person you are NOW!

Another reason to start living now, is that nothing "magically" changes when you reach goal weight. You're still the same person inside your head, so you may still see yourself as "fat" when you no longer are, or you will focus on another aspect of your physical or emotional self as a reason for your self-consciousness. You may be so used to isolating yourself, you don't even question why you do it.

There are a lot of reasons being fat can suck, we don't have to pile on extra reasons on top of those the world and physiology hands out. Of course taking risks is scary, but most human regrets are not based on failure, but on opportunities missed.

Sara,
I have done that too. I have said no to experiences/opportunities that were so immensely important to me, because i was fat.
I have also, at other times, ignored the fact that I was fat, and chose to experience them anyway.
All I can say is, the times I chose to go for it, experience it -- I have had no regrets. And some very wonderful experiences!

Wow have I walked in your shoes. First of all use these feelings to make you stronger on your journey. Decide once and for all that you are worth the effort of losing the weight. This may be just the moment that you need to make you turn your life around once and for all. I know for me it was a series of things right in a row that made me take a serious look in the mirror. I hated the way I looked and it was beginning to make me stay at home and not participate in life. Life was passing me by and I was letting it! I'm a lot older than you but I didn't just want to sit on the sidelines anymore. I started taking baby steps towards a better life. That included taking care of myself with diet but also enjoying every minute of life. Like someone else said do no let other people define you. You define yourself! You and you alone can decide what you want out of life and go get it. Life is way too short. Stay positive and stay strong. By the way I'm just down the road in Austin

I can so relate, but don't sit on the sidelines and watch life go on....jump in with both feet and participate! I wasted a lot of time sitting on the sidelines waiting for "when I am thinner"...."when I lose weight", but no more! You will get to that point in your own time.

Girl you sound just like I did not too long ago..... congratulations! You're getting mad, and ready for action....I posted something really similar to yours a few weeks ago or so, and I haven't looked back since. I believe in you. And I know you believe in you too. You're going to have times where you're tempted so just be ready for them and have a plan in place. I got my great start tips from the girls on these boards, so snoop around and see if you can find something that will work for you, cause I guarantee you that you will! I'm focusing on these main things: (1) calorie dense foods. your stomach's full signal is not reading cals, it's reading the amount of food in your tummy, so it's better to have a cup of cinnamon applesauce than some chips, you get it"? (2) throw out all the processed stuff in your house. all the junk, the weak points, anything that you can't control yourself on, and replace it with all good stuff, foods that even if you binge you wouldn't gain anything (I have found a new love with light strawberry yogurt and crackling oat bran cereal mixed together yummmmmmmmmo yes you must try (3) eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. that's pretty simple. (4) you can have treats but just don't bring them home. ya gotta eat them away from home if you want them. and (5) carry snacks with you at all times for the munchies. stuff like oats and chocolate bars or oranges, that way if you're away from home you will eat the good stuff instead of the local grease trap. Surprisingly, the cals I've been sitting at are around 1500 or so, and I'm never hungry, its awesome. Good luck - I know you can do it!!!

You're damn right I'm mad!

Mad at myself, more than anything. Mad that I ever let it get this far, mad that I'm sad enough to let my size hold me back, mad that I actually care about what total strangers think.

I think I'd time I go hit the treadmill and get out some of this aggression. I'm beyond mad, I'm livid, and I'm ready to tackle this head-on, no matter how much it hurts and sucks.