When the whole world seems to crumble...
 

I have been doing fairly well with my progress so far. I'm down 21.5 lbs in 2 months (of course, most of it happened in the first month), I had a setback for a few weeks but now I'm getting back on track...

and yesterday I did a lot of self-evaluating. I guess sometimes I just try to ignore it because not everything is "OKAY" and I am chief of letting uncomfortable thoughts set aside for an indefinite amount of time. That's part of the reason why I gained all of this weight in the first place. I never have been a yo-yo dieter. I never tried any diet fads. I never lost a significant amount of weight and then regained it all back and then some. I have just been at a steady increase. I NEVER TRIED. My version of trying was getting on the exercise bike for 15 minutes two days in a row and then not touching it for months. And going on a diet? Psh. Yeah right. Maybe I was just afraid of failing, but I mostly just ignored it. I ignored my expanding waistline, and if I ever did think about it I would get severely depressed, which only compounded on the problem.

I'd like to think that I'm maturing, and that's why I'm able to face the fact that I am incredibly fat every day, and make a conscious effort to do what I can to REVERSE it. That is why I am able to stick to my plan this time... the fact that I even MADE a plan in the first place.

But old habits die hard. This became very evident to me last night. One look around my room and it's a complete disaster. I may spend one day completely cleaning my room but less than a week later it's a mess again. I look at it and I think, "Man, I should really clean that up but I just don't feel like it." I am totally lazy. I am glued to this computer all day, and anything else that I do is "disruptive." It's fine that I need to use the computer to work, it's my job, but there is just so much to do here that it just sucks me in for the whole day, and it's easy to do because it does not require much effort. I just have to sit and move my fingers. Maybe it is better than watching TV, but that's definitely something I don't need to do (and I rarely do at that). I need to be more ACTIVE... and not just exercising, but doing every day things, like doing a little house work every day/every week rather than letting it turn to chaos before I do anything about it.

All of this really depresses me, because I don't want to live like this. I am making a life change, but I don't think I really realized that it was going to change EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, the change is not what I'm upset about. I'm upset because this is HARD. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, and I just feel like I am becoming completely undone.

That, and the fact that I spent a good amount of time yesterday researching some symptoms I have and found a whole slew of serious medical conditions I may have or get soon. The solutions to these things are losing weight, eating healthier and exercising, which I am doing, but the severity of these issues REALLY sunk in yesterday. Yeah yeah yeah, I always knew it was bad... but I didn't think much of it. It did scare me, but I will store this nugget of information in my mind and use it as more inspiration to stay the course, to close this chapter in my life and do what I can to improve.

I don't necessarily mean for this to be a negative thread, but I'm just trying to find hope in all of this. Hope that I can be a better person in better health. Hope that I don't have to be lazy if I just GET UP AND DO SOMETHING and find ways to cut my computer time. As much as I love the computer, it's just a distraction from LIFE, it's something I've done since I was 12 years old, and to be honest, it's another good reason why I'm overweight. All of the things I enjoy doing either involve the computer, or drawing/painting, jewelry making, and various other crafts. All of these things do not require a lot of activity. It's fine to enjoy these things, but to let them aid in my ruin is not an option. This isn't just about losing weight. This is about EVERYTHING. It's facing everything I hate about myself, which is pretty depressing, man.

FOR THOSE who are of the praying sort, a quick prayer my way would be helpful. I feel so disconnected from God right now, and I just feel like my whole life is just made up in my head and things are so much worse than I thought they were. Seeing what's really there and FACING it is very painful.

:hug: Rakel,
You are right this isn't just about loosing weight, it is about fixing everything.
I know what you are feeling, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I think it is worth it, and I think if anyone really wants it it is possible. You said in your post reading about the medical issues you can develop soon, if you don't do something, but remember these things are reversable if you begin to do something now. My blood pressure was real high this time last year, I would get dizzy, and headaches. My blood pressure , as of today, is in the normal range :carrot: I am sorry you are feeling all these things, but I beleive in you and know you are going to succeed!!! cheryl

I see myself in you, so I will speak in the first person, and hope that you can take something from it.

I am very cyclical. There are so many things that I dislike about the way I handle my life and my stresses. If I just listed the things one by one, it would quickly total many pages. And, some days, I feel every one of those things weighing on me. Conversely, there are at least as many things I like about myself, and some days, I think I am an absolutely amazing person - sometimes to the point of being too confident. I am absolutely sure that you don't have to change everything in your life because I know there are some great things going for you, and to try to change all the negative at once could be pretty overwhelming. So, my advice is to take a deep breath, realize that feeling overwhelmed is likely a cyclical thing, and understand that you are absolutely capable of making positive changes in your life. Take stock of your talents, and then prioritize the changes that you want to make. You will not turn into a different person overnight. But you can start on a steady progression of self-improvement that will result in an amazing transformation.

Rakel,
I could've written your post myself. My heart goes out to you, and know that it's a very difficult thing to be completely honest about what's going on. You've done that. And you've done something even more difficult, taking the first step.
My room is the same way, my life feels the same way. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. Yeah, there's always going to be a mess to clean up. Heck, as soon as you clean it you need to use it and then it's messy again >.< My room has been a mess for as long as I can remember.
About crafting & arting. I'm sad that you feel they distract from your life rather than add to it. Yes, they can be rather sedentary. But I've always found my drawing to be meditative and introspective.
I do have to say that your life has to be how you define it. While one person feels living their life may be hiking all over the world, another may feel that living their life is drawing it from their window.
Change can be difficult, but since you've decided that you aren't happy with the way certain things are, that's what's got to be done right? I've asked myself frequently "Why am I not -insert something here-?" Often it's because I'm not making the changes necessary in order for me to feel a different.

What I'm really getting at here, is that if you have an idea in your head about how you want to be, or even how you want your room to be, that I hope you get yourself a good plan and may your efforts pay off :)

I've added this on because I've thought about this a little longer:

I feel myself that I am in a similar boat of constant self-loathing. And I'm not even talking self-pitying here, I'm speaking of unbridled hate. Hating the way I feel, hating the way I seem to not be in control of many things, hating how I act towards others, hating how I hate myself. It continues. I can't say much more than I already have, though, because I'm just myself starting to get through this. To recognize it and to breathe deep and accept that change needs to happen if I want things to be different. That I must start with my thoughts and actions and that I'm worthy of thinking positive about myself. That I'm worthy of good change in my life.

Sorry I went on a bit long, I just don't like to see anyone else in the same boat.

:hug:

You guys are so awesome. I just knew I wouldn't be alone in these feelings... I knew some of you would know exactly how I felt. It's just hard because I talk about this with John, and he means well, but I don't think he really understand what it's like from my perspective.

I'm feeling really bad today, and John thinks I have a fever, so I'm just going to rest as much as possible! I started to clean my room but then I just felt weak... So more of my thoughts later! I just wanted to thank you all for your kind and encouraging words!!

rakel,
Change is hard! I am definitely adding you to my prayer list. I know what you mean about the computer! I have had a similar addiction (and excuses) for much of my adult life.

Discipline and control are also very hard. You are trying to garner control over many aspects of your life right now. Like, you - I seem to have an "all or nothing" approach. I have to control every aspect, or I control none.

I encourage you to try to accept moderation - to make changes that you can, and not give up if you can't change everything at once.

Also - what has helped for me when I am "lazy" (which is often). I give myself choices - like I did with my children when they were young. OK, in the next hour I will - clean the bathroom, or I will do 20 minutes of weights. I can still spend 40 minutes on the computer if I choose - but I MUST do one of the two activities. Sometimes I fail, but most of the time I will actually get up and do something. And - once I have one thing done, the next comes a bit easier.
HTH - and prayers ascending! Hang in there - it WILL get easier!

you are SO NOT alone in this! wow, that post was gutsy! it's true for a lot of us - that's why I've always been so scared, because i know it's not about weight at all -- that's just a visible sign of all the other stuff going on .... it's hard to work on them, but it's harder still to avoid it forever.

I know my tendancy to be lazy so I hired a housekeeper once a week to keep on top of stuff. That was a big step - admitting it to myself. She was 3 x a week but I cut it back to 1 x since I've been able to do more.

Getting up and going outside for a walk or doing a walking video is my next goal. I don't know what the mental block is. I'm thinking i'm gonna have to "fake it til i make it" and just try.

good luck to you :D

I completely understand the despair you are feeling. But you are TRYING NOW. And that counts for something. It counts for ALOT. We can't regret all of the time we wasted being fat, or what COULD happen if we stay heavy (medical conditions, etc). We have to move forward and do what we can now to change it. I wish so much there was a rewind button. I would rewind this past month for sure. I would rewind back several years to my junior year of highschool and I hit 150 lbs and thought I was the fattest cow at school.

So much of what you said about yourself hit home with me. The laziness especially LOL. Just wantd to give you some :hug: 's and let you know even though this is hard, we can make it :)

Yes, change is hard....very very hard! But, in my opinion, this is what life is all about...to keep learning and growing. I recommend sitting down and writing a list of all of the positive things about yourself. Don't be shy! This is just for you. You will be amazed at how making this list can improve your self confidence. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy....be nice to yourself!

P.S. - I said a prayer for you and will keep praying for you.