Gah! Some days with this effort I feel like I'm dangling from the wagon, barely holding on and in danger of falling off. In the end, even if I don't fall off, the feeling I walk away with is almost the same as if I had truly landed face first on the ground. I had just such a day today and I was sitting here trying to think of what sets me off like this and came up with a few situations:

1) An unexpected glance in the mirror. You know the one. You are feeling good about your progress, thought you looked nice when you left the house, and then WHAMMO. You see yourself reflected in a window or shiny metal elevator doors or a mirror and suddenly feel like nothing has changed and you look just as bad as before you started trying to lose the weight. But at least then you could eat cookies.

2) The scale didn't move today or moved up. Even if I did everything right, there is nothing like a bad scale reading to send me into a tailspin. I've tried not weighing myself every morning, but since weight fluctuates so much within a week, my fear is that if I don't weigh every day I might miss the "low day". What if weigh in day happens to be the day the scale decides to be up 3 pounds for no reason? It might feel like the whole week was a dud and I guess I worry about the impact that would have on my overall motivation.

3) I eat something I wish I hadn't. This doesn't have to be a binge or a day where I ended up over my calorie target. Maybe I am out of my regular environment and can't make the choices I wanted to make. Or I take in the right number of calories made up of the wrong food (e.g. 1400 calories of cookies).

4) I miss a workout or can't find the motivation to exercise. It's so important, but I don't like to do it and often have trouble forcing myself to do it.

So reading over my list, I think I've got the following problems:
A) Who knew I was such a control freak
B) I base my feelings of sucess or failure on a single moment in time rather than on my efforts as a whole since I started

It's like I'm looking to find fault with my actions, waiting for myself to fail, looking for a reason to throw in the towel. Maybe that's just part of me looking for a reason to go back to where I feel safe and comfortable, which unfortunately is the same place where I got fat. When I get the feeling that I've already blown it, even when I haven't, it's just so easy to imagine giving up. I'd feel the same, but could eat whatever I wanted.

Now that I know that's what I'm doing, any suggestions for getting rid of this feeling? Or am I nuts and no one can identify?

This is one of those posts where I sit here nodding at it from beginning to end. Talk about feeling crazy! I know no one can see me nodding, but I relate so completely, I can't help it.

So, here's what I do sometimes to help with those situations. Keep in mind - it doesn't always work.

1 - The unexpected mirror. I HATE THAT! I swim most days, and the locker room is filled with full-length mirrors. NOT HELPFUL. I take in all the bad - after all, ignoring it never did me any good - but also focus in on the positive. I actually have cheekbones now! Not well-defined ones, but they ARE there. And I have gorgeous eyes. Yep - I said it, though the good things are far more difficult to acknowledge than the bad.

2 - The scale! Oh! the scale! I feel like such a hypocrite even answering here, because I get tripped up so badly on this. Here's what has worked for me, though. My gym has a scale that I never use, as it weighs heavier than my home scale. But, occasionally, I'll get on it and remember what the weight was before. (I don't have to write it down because I'm so obsessed!) The last time I did this, I was ten pounds lighter than the time before. It's great to acknowledge the greater trend when the day-to-day results aren't so magnificent. In fact, on another thread, someone mentioned (maybe MarinePrincess?) charting your weight loss so that the general trend stands out without being obscured by the day-to-day frustrations.

3 - The bad food choices. This is advice I give myself, not necessarily advice I follow well. If they happen only occasionally, simple forgiveness is all that's required. They are a blip rather than a roadblock. If it happens frequently, or the frequency is increasing, it's time to reassess and plan better! When I know my husband will be eating my old favorites that I know will tempt me, I make sure to prepare with foods that I LOVE. Even if they're a little more expensive. I rarely buy raspberries because they're so costly, but on my husband's hot wing night, they are an essential (and not more expensive than the hot wings)!

4 - And here is the one thing on your list to which I don't relate very well. I very much love to exercise, and I'm so grateful I'm blessed with that. Is there really nothing that you can truly enjoy, that you would do even without the weight loss incentive? My 11-year-old son would play baseball, basketball, and football even if it caused weight gain. My 3-year-old daughter begs me to take her outside just so she can run across the lawn. My "nonathletic" nine-year-old son, who incidentally has autism, walks around the house (literally goes outside and circles it) repeatedly so he can think about things. I wish I knew you better so that I might be able to suggest where you might be able to find the joy in exercise. Maybe you're a closet ballroom dancer? Or a boxer? Whatever it is, I hope that you find it, so that this "chore" becomes a delight.

Thanks for spelling this out so well. Hope my suggestions are a fraction as helpful to you as many of your thoughts have been to me. Whatever you do, though, please continue holding on to that stampeding wagon. I love having you next to me, ready to extend a hand when I start to fall!

Quite the post CC. I can relate to it so very much. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you, but I really don't .

Let me start with the scale. It's a very fickle piece of equipment. Ya know what, I really think it's us humans that have a fickle body, not really the scale. I'ts going to fluctuate. We're going to fluctuate. It's not just fat we're measuring. We are more then 1/2 water. And it doesn't stay constant - it changes. I DO weigh every day, but I only count it on Mondays. I have learned to not let those fluctuations bother me. If it's up one day by 2 lbs, it can easily be down 2 the next. You have got to, got to, got to look it at on a weekly basis, even better would be once every 2 weeks. I know it's hard, but you're in this for the long haul, we've all wasted sooo much time being fat and with trying to lose the weight, a couple of months is nothing. Nothing. Please try and be patient.

You don't need motivation to exercise. That's not what's required. It's commitment. It's action. It's determination. It's that pledge to yourself that you deserve a better life for goodness sake - no matter what, through thick and thin. Whether you feel like exercising or not is not important. It needs to be done. Pencil it into your day like any other appointment, any other commitment. You brush your teeth everyday. You exercise everyday. You've got to make it where it's not an option NOT to. There is no other way around it. Longterm success is dependent upon it. That being said. Why not try mixing it up. The gym, bike riding, swimming, DVD's, walking, dancing - something. Break it down into segments. 20 minutes a few times a day. Get in one segment nice and early. Get the day going on a positive note.

You also mentioned in your number 1, that at least then you had cookies. What good did cookies ever do for you? They taste good. Ummm, big deal. Grilled chicken tastes good too. So does fat free yogurt. And carrots and an apple. Being thin and healthy and wearing phenomenal clothing feels so freakin' marvelous, way better then any cookie ever tasted. YOU DON'T NEED COOKIES. COOKIES DON'T NEED YOU. They're NOT your friends. You also mention giving up, then at least you can eat whatever you want. I know you're not there yet. But you can't imagine how great it feels to WEAR whatever you want. It is the GREATEST. It's way better to be able to wear whatever you want then it is to be able to eat whatever you want. Who knew? I wish I had. I know I did this for my health, first and foremost, but I gotta tell you being able to shop anywhere and have a closet overflowing with great clothing has become a huge, huge motivator for me. I am enjoying it way more then I ever could have imagined - and so will you.

Getting back to the health. Such a huge weight has been lifted from me. I was always so worried about my health. I just knew it, I KNEW I was putting myself at added unnecessary risk for soooo many dreadful deadly diseases. I now feel as if I've done everything in my power to reverse that. It is a wonderul feeling. I feel like I've evened the playing field. I stand the same chances as everybody else. What an incredible gift that is to give to oneself.

It's hard. It really IS. This really is a long journey and it's difficult to keep it going sometimes. There's all the obsessing about what to eat, what not to eat. We should want to exercise, we don't want to. The stupid scale. The planning. The resisting temptation. There's just a lot of stuff constantly whirling around in our heads about all this "diet" stuff. I know I think constantly about it. But that's just the way it is. Plenty of people obsess about all different things. For me, it's going to always be my weight and all the stuff related to it. I've come to accept that. It just can't be any other way for me. When it wasn't on my head 24/7 I allowed myself to become dangerously unhealthy, inactive and MISERABLE. This is better. I would certainly rather it just "be". But I don't think that will ever be the case. It's a pain in the neck at times. But it's so darn worth it. I will always be the fat girl, but I don't have to be FAT.

Please CC, make that commitment. Commit yourself to a better life. :A much, MUCH better life in fact. Trust me, please trust me it IS worth it. By so, so much. I can't even begin to tell you just how worth it is. I really, really want you to find out for yourself. hug:

Great post, Robin. I find the part above particularly interesting, because I've been beating myself up a little about my obsessiveness. But, really - especially for those of us who are or who have been morbidly obese - isn't our weight on our mind 24/7 even if we're not doing anything about it? It affects our relationships, our work, even our ability to walk into a room without immediately surveying the group, hoping that we don't get singled out as the only severely overweight person in the room. I don't think a normal weight person would ever understand what a huge factor weight is for those of us who are judged by it, and too often by it alone, every single day. Interesting. I think I'm going to be a little more forgiving of my obsessiveness!

I don't have too much to add, because Laurie had some great suggestions and Robin's post kind of brilliantly said it all! But I do have to tell you how much I identified with this part of your post (well, with all of it really, but especially this part). When I started losing weight, it just seemed like it was taking too long to get to the point where I (and other people) could REALLY see a difference, and I kept asking myself if the sacrifice was worth it. Would I ever get there? And if not, why not eat the damn cookies? (I do still eat cookies, of course -- just not so MANY).

What I want to tell you is this (and I know you already know it, but we all lose sight of it at times): the sacrifice IS worth it. It's BEYOND worth it. One day you will look in the mirror and see a different person, like I do now. I still have weight to lose and my body is FAR from perfect, and I certainly can't wear whatever I want, like Robin. I probably never will. But I've accepted certain realities about my body and I'm SO happy with the results of what I've done so far. You will be too. You just have to commit to it and be patient, even though I know that's incredibly difficult. Last July, I weighed 275 pounds and I was miserable. Now it's July again and I'm a new person, because I committed. So on the bad days you just have to remember that the day is coming when you look in the mirror and like what you see.

Guys, I just want to clarify one tiny little thing. I can't wear whatever I want. I will never be able to wear a bathing suit in public - never. Or a mini-skirt. My thighs are - hmmm, .... bad, yeah - that's it. They're bad. But in clothes - they're fabulous. Yes, it's unfortunate and I'm a bit disappointed, but I can't begin to tell you how much better it is then how I was before. I love, love, love my new body. Saggy skin on the thighs and all. I have no problems with it. My body will never be perfect. This wasn't about perfection. In clothing it is totally and completely undetectable. I can't tell you just how much I AM enjoying the clothing aspect of this all. Weird. Who knew there was an inner clothes horse stuck under all the fat?

One other thing about us all being impatient (rightfully so) about seeing results and getting to our goal. I don't mean to sound cocky here, so please forgive me if I do, that is not my intention. I knew, I mean I really, really KNEW with all my heart and more importantly my BRAIN - that IF I stuck with it, really, really stuck with it - that I would get there. I would see results. Others would see results and yeah - I COULD get to my goal. It just finally made logical sense to me, after so many years of thinking why bother? Why go on? I'm not sure why it did at this point. I finally figured out before I even started my journey (this time) that yes - it IS possible to lose so much weight. It CAN be done. Others have done it and why the HECK NOT ME? So really at this point CC, why the heck not YOU? I mean really, why not? Think about it. And like dear, smart, LisaMarie said - the sacrifices (and they won't always feel like sacrfices, they're more like tradeoffs now) are worth it. BEYOND worth it in fact.

Thank you all for your great responses! My mood on all of this business is always lowest at the end of the day. Something about reflecting back on the day and picking apart all the shoulda, woulda, couldas and counting all the ways I wasn't perfect. I'm sticking to it, but I wish I could shake the feeling that I've screwed up even when I really haven't in the grand scheme of things. You're right, Robin, I obsess about it. I get so focused on doing everything right, that I forget that living means adapting to whatever life throws at you, making the best choices you can at the time, and picking yourself up and moving on when you fall down. I must just have a quitter's mentality when it comes to this. It's like I'm looking for a reason to stay down when I fall rather than get up and keep going.

But today, I dusted myself off and kept going. And I'll come back and read this thread next time I fall (or like a freak, feel like I fell when I haven't), because there will be a next time. And I'll try to remember what you all have said and what I know to be true under all the muck in my brain. And I'll chant this quote from LisaMarie: