I really agree with kaplods, and I'd also like to reinforce the idea of being as supportive as possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods
Haven't you ever been really happy for, yet really jealous of someone you love who has gotten something you've always wanted? ...I know I have, so I try not to think too much about another person's motives when they are being nice or encouraging, even if it's obviously kind of forced. ...So I say heck, take the compliment or the encouragement, and don't worry about the motive.
Sometimes, being as supportive as possible IS to muster yourself to be civil, or wear that "fake smile" also mentioned by kaplods. The self-honesty about motives - well, that takes at least as much insight as commitment to honesty. It's really tough, (at least for me) even after decades of effort. Speaking for myself, in my early fifties, I'd hoped by now to have faced up to and eradicated most of my own blind spots. And it's not just that everyone tries to be civil and not too personal, (and I do appreciate that!) making it harder to catch myself in the act. Also, my self-awareness flaws are common to most everybody in my culture!
Okay, I can get jealous, and know it, too - even while congratulating somebody. But I also support them, and even when my smile is forced, I get the impression the congratulated person hears that support first, and can forgive the jealousy! And at the same time, their success and my jealousy work nicely together to inspire me to my own success.
So, the green-eyed congrats aren't necessarily a bad thing. On this forum, each person's success helps raise a standard for everyone else, and a little jealousy may be a sign that I am, or another person is, feeling personally challenged, and we know it's our own problem because the achiever did not point their finger at us. It's not a bad way to motivate a whole community!
And sure, Mandy, I agree that if we're always feeling jealous and the support is fake, that does need to change. Or if we're being competitive cutthroats in a female arena, where we wouldn't be in front of the guys, that's unbalanced. And we don't need to echo to each other the cultural standard that we are only worthwhile if we are attractive. That's criminally demeaning!
Now I don't see any of this generally happening on this forum. But if anyone personally feels this happening inside them, I think it's good to face it, and to be a part of everybody else's solution, instead of part of the problem. And I'm sure anybody who can admit it, and is working on that kind of internal beauty, gets all our support!