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Old 03-13-2007, 11:46 AM   #1
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Unhappy So sick of my "pleasing personality"

My friend on another board started when I did and isn't doing quite so well yet. That is not the problem. The problem is that I tend to under report my activity level and loss so I don't upset her. The first week when I worked out more and lost more she got upset so I learned.
I've tried telling her my lifestyle and weight-to-loose was much worse than hers but she doesn't want to hear it. I know she thinks I'm lying. Even this past week when I only lost .2 lbs. She's like..."Oh we're measuring the points now?" I told her well when you're as fat as me any little bit helps. I'm sick of degrading myself for her satisfaction. I don't want to be the happy jolly fat friend anymore. I want to celebrate every minor little ounce lost. Ugh..why do I feel the need to be a such a pansy a$$?

She also hates when I refuse to call it a diet. if someone on the board says,"Your doing so well on your diet Tina" She'll pop in with "Oh don't call it a diet. She's making a "lifestyle" change LOL". That really ticks me because THATS what it is. I've done diets. This is different.

Last edited by penor; 03-13-2007 at 12:06 PM. Reason: Forgot to add.
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Old 03-13-2007, 11:52 AM   #2
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She sounds like one of those "toxic" kind of friends. You know what you want, and you should be proud of what you accomplish. If she can't be there for you, you need to move on to better (and more real!) friends! Unfortunately, there are some folks we have to leave behind when we make the decision to do better for ourselves. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}to you!
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Old 03-13-2007, 11:54 AM   #3
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I am so sorry that she is making you feel ashamed of your success! This is her problem and not yours. Be proud of your accomplishments.

I am one of those who loses weight slowly. Some of this is due to my own problems with commitment and some of this is just my metabolism. I sometimes catch myself having a pity party that I've not lost the big amounts that some of my 3FC friends on the 100lb club lose each week. But, I'm truly happy for them and want them to continue to succeed. I'm sure there are people on the other board who are happy for you, too. Keep going! And, Congratulations on your loss so far.
- Rhonda

"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau

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Old 03-13-2007, 12:10 PM   #4
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penor, Don't feel bad. I've done the exact same thing. I've minimized my wt. loss success to my neighbor that is always trying to lose weight without much success. I don't want her to feel like a failure. She is still coming up with lots of excuses on why she "can't" lose weight. I want to be her friend and I don't want to feel like this is a competition. I lost my wt. because of my health problems. It was pretty cut and dried that it had to come off. Many others don't have that particular motivator.

I come here to celebrate my victories. I also hold back on saying anything to my sisters as they are both heavier than me right now (for the first time in my life). I tend to just tell them I had to lose the wt. for my health and don't make a big deal out of it to them. I also feel like a pansy sometimes too for not being able to let them know how great I feel about myself, but sometimes it's best to just share the happiness here (esp. if it would hurt others peoples feelings).


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Old 03-13-2007, 12:24 PM   #5
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Stay strong. Perhaps being "weightloss" buddies won't work for you guys. You just may not be compatible in that way. Take a look at the situation. You should be proud of youself. Don't "dumb yourself down" for anyone!
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Old 03-13-2007, 12:32 PM   #6
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Talking Hugs Penor!!!!

Snarky comments like that usually means jealousy. Sounds like she is not much of a friend or a support. If you are putting yourself down in response to her you may have to make some decisions on where you want to go with this "friendship."
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Old 03-13-2007, 12:42 PM   #7
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I'm sorry you have a friend like that...it's sad that she can't be happy for you,or at least in voiceing her happiness to you.Be proud of your accomplishments,regardless.It may not make your friendship stronger,but you deserve to be able to boast and be proud...and you also deserve to hear praises
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Old 03-13-2007, 12:47 PM   #8
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I've just learned I have different types of friends -- some are friends because our kids play together, some are friends because we work together, etc. I feel unless someone is an amazingly close friend through everything they can't understand or be involved in all parts of my life. This is obviously not a "lifestyle change" friend, so I would just not discuss it with her anymore, she obviously doesn't have the same momentum or desires as you and you shouldn't feel bad about that. Come on here there are lots of people in your position -- if she finds it necessary to negatively tag your posts, that's here problem, not yours -- there are so many others on here who are proud of your .2 weight loss and understand what it takes to get that off! Put her in her "place"!!

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Old 03-13-2007, 12:51 PM   #9
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It's a hard place to be in when "friends" don't act much like it. I have had the same thing happen to me before. You think you are going to get support and you get everything but. For a while it made me shy away...and then I realized I was only hurting myself. Stand up for yourself!! No more scaling back the truth, You should be proud of your success. Darn tooting we are going to count the points! Anyone know where I can get a scale that will do .1?

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Old 03-13-2007, 01:03 PM   #10
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The term "toxic" is definitely applicable here. It sounds like she's just not in the same place as you right now, so perhaps you could be a better friend to her by being a weight loss role model than by being a weight loss peer. Maybe you can show her that it CAN be done....even 2/10's of a pound at a time.

I think you're very sweet to be concerned about her feelings and want to be sensitive to her frailties. I don't think that makes you a "pansy ***" (which, you may or may not know, is a pretty offensive term to most gay people, like me.) I think it makes you a nice person who wants to be sensitive to those around her.

I say continue to succeed, report your losses with pride, and role model positive, exuberant energy!! Your success doesn't have to come at her expense, nor does her lack of success have to come at yours. You are able to succeed without rubbing her face in it, so don't let her do that to you. When she makes those comments, try to respond with grace and dignity without putting yourself down. Lead by example and maybe she will follow. If not, maybe you'll have to rethink whether or not that board is still a healthy and supportive place for you.

Good luck!
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:02 PM   #11
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I'm with those that say sometimes you have people in your life that are toxic. This sounds like one of those relationships. There are people that lift you up and celebrate with you. Then there are others that have such a small amount of self-esteem (or are just plain mean), that they exist to tear you down. If you're strong enough to deal with it and you still want to keep her as a friend, then you could just keep her not so close but still remain in contact. Otherwise, you need to cut that tie.
I'm personally not that strong and would need to cut the tie and move on to more positive role models/supporters.
Hang in there. You're doing what is best for you. That's important!!
This time, I'm going to be stronger, I'm not giving in. - Rudimental
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:26 PM   #12
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You've WORKED to lose weight and you shouldn't hide it....(every ounce counts). I'm sorry your friend feels she has the right to side-swipe you with a lame comment. you can try NOT telling her how much you've lost too, just say I've made progress this week, I'll tell you when I hit another 5#s....or ask her how her week went first.

She probably is comparing herself to you....either way, you are in this for you and your accomplishments shouldn't be down-played for her benefit.

congrats on your motivation!
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Old 03-13-2007, 03:11 PM   #13
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Penor, I am just reading this now. And of course the great ladies of 3FC have given you great advice already (you see, that's what they do).

I'll just add, I am sorry that your friend has disappointed you. I find people will always disappoint. It's just part of life.

I also want to say that I have found the act of losing weight to be a totally and completely solo effort. My family supports me, without a doubt. They DO cheer me on when I get a drop in the scale. Tell me how good I'm looking, how proud they are... yada, yada. And I truly, truly am grateful for it. They are happy for me. But it doesn't compare to how happy I am. I am living in my skin. They didn't know EXACTLY how miserable I was, can't possibly know how THRILLED I am now. Yes, they have an idea, but they will never know just how I am feeling. And I and I alone am the one busting my butt to lose the weight. Through the shopping and planning and cooking and resisting tempation and through all the exercise. In the end no one can help me, but me. Very solitary indeed. It would have been nice to have someone to workout with and share things with, but that was not to be. Thank goodness for 3FC. By all means please share every .2 or .1 of a pound gone. We really appreciate it and know just how hard it is. Share your losses, successes, doubts and fears. We're here for ya 24/7.
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Old 03-13-2007, 06:55 PM   #14
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Some people are sore losers... or in this case, sore non-losers. It sounds like you want to be friends with her still or you wouldn't be upset. I would think about a few things:

1. It sounds like you're inadvertantly trying to be competative with weight. Telling her that she's doesn't have as much to lose as you isn't helping the situation. By saying that you have more to lose than her makes her feel like her weight loss efforts are somehow less worthy than yours. I know that's not what you mean but I'm sure she not hearing it the way you intend it.

2. Gentle Confrontation. "When you say things like X, it makes me feel like you aren't being supportive. It hurts my feelings when you make fun of me for not calling it a diet and I don't want to hide things from you but lately, I don't want to talk to you about this."

3. Listen. It maybe that she's jealous. It may be that all you two talk about anymore is diets and she's acting out. You won't know until you ask her.
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