Colleen made some excellent points- I think people tend to make thier own subcommunities partially so they don't feel like outsiders, so when their status changes to "other" again, they feel threatened. I'm all for "fat positivism," as they call it, if the definition is being confident and comfortable with all parts of yourself, fat included. What I'm uncomfortable with is people accepting parts of themselves that will ultimately make them sick or really unhealthy. Who is she to judge your life? I agree that she might feel threatened, but even if she doesn't, it's not her business. My friends do things all the time that I don't agree with, be it getting engaged too quickly to guys who I don't think are right for them, etc. But it's not my business to get involved, adn this is no different.

I've learned that it's more important for me to drop the negative forces in my life- friends included- even if it means standing alone. You're making the right choices for yourself, to become a stronger and healthier you, and we're proud of you for that! If she can't be, to **** with her.

Sounds to me like she feels threatened. Maybe she does love herself the way she is.. and that's great.. but as your friend she should understand if you want to be healthy. Personally, most of my friends are thin and in great shape health-wise... they are supportive to offer help in my weightloss. Even when I have had friends my size they were happy to be at their weight but they were still supportive in the fact that I was not. Be aware of who you surround yourself. There is that expression, you are like your friends.. if you surround yourself with positive people you will become more positive. I would respond again with the fact that you love yourself enough to want to live a long healthy life.. and you don't intend to starve yourself in the process.

You may never really understand her motivation....
 

It may be a combination of what everyone else has said here. I think you may need to decide if her views will affect your plan. If you are facing temptation will you hear her voice or your own. Once you decide that then you can see if this is a friendship worth pursuing despite your differences.

In life and dealing with people I feel there is a lot we must overlook. If I didn't overlook SOME of the things my hubby did, well I just wouldn't remain having a husband. Same goes for him, I'm quite sure. There are somethings though that one shouldn't overlook, depending on the severity and of course taking into account the quality of the relationship. If it's worth salvaging we can overlook a lot more, if it's not, well then............. IT'S NOT and therefore we shouldn't look to salvage it.

I'm glad you posted this. I think this is a very interesting discussion.

I am sorry to hear that your relationship has changed with your friend. But I must disagree with the majority here. I really think that she has some interesting points & I don't think it is because she is jealous.

I have found myself becoming more and more effected by the media images we are subjected to constantly. For so long I was blind to it (dispite my mother's best efforts as a teen). But now that I am actually paying attention I am constantly shocked. Why do we allow ourselves & our girls to be subjected to such inappropriate, sexual, & degrading images everywhere, everyday? A part of me hopes that your friend is right that the more heavy women there are in our society the better we will be treated - but unfortunately I do not really believe it is true.

The ideal is always opposite what is common. Pale, white skin was desirable when most people would be tanned from working outside - only the privileged could stay pale. Heavy is attractive in society's where food is scarce. Blond is overly attractive in country's where the majority have dark features.

I don't think you should give up on this friend - especially because it seems you enjoy her friendship usually. I think that if she sees over time that you are taking care of yourself & not obsessed with becoming rail thin she'll become more accepting & supportive. If it was me I would probably say this is an area that we are not in full agreeance so let's leave it as a subject we do not speak of (like discussions of religion between some people). Even the most supportive get tired of hearing about someone's weightloss efforts - lol!

Anyway, I hope that you can find a way to work it out with your friend & maybe you can both grow in the process.

Maybe she is saying those things, and being so strongly for being "BBW" because if she weren't to support being obese so strongly, she may start to realize how unhealthy she actually is. By being so "sizist" (which she IS being) she's just making it easier on herself to stay that size. If she feels that being obese is healthier and better, and then someone comes along and tries to challenge that... she's going to lash out. It's what her whole life is based around. It's EASIER for her to be that way becuase she doesn't have to face the truth. She's only fooling herself.

I don't think she is jealous, I think she truly believes the things she is spouting off. More thin ppl are mentally ill? I wonder if she would be able to quote the research that proves this statistic? :lol: Mental illness runs in my family & honey it doesn't discriminate! Fat, thin, short, tall, black, white, no one is safe! So personally I think she is full of :censored: & justifying her size & feelings/opinions by finding ridiculous statistics that back up her arguments. She has every right to her opinion, but dude. Throwing stuff like that out there makes me question her mental stability.

And even having said all that ^^ she does have a valid point. The media makes it seem like if you aren't a size 0 then you are nothing. Meanwhile women like Anna Nicole (when she first started out, rip) and Kate Dillon are called "plus sized" when in actuality their sizes are more indicative of the "normal" American female. I can understand her frustration with that.

I also agree that women who are dieting or constantly talking about their weight/calories/points are annoying as well. There's more to life than what you put in your mouth.

You have to remember, one day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, she will be affected by her obesity in some form. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc. No one is immune.

As for whether or not to continue the friendship, agree to disagree, and go from there. If you find that you can't, then that's that. There is nothing more annoying than a "friend" who thinks they know everything there is to know about a subject, and thinks it's their mission to educate you, whether it's about weight loss, or dating, etc.

I would suggest putting it in a letter. Pretty sure smacking her up the side of the head won't go over...LOL.. How she responds will be a deciding factor on whether to try to nuture the friendship along or let it go.

You each should be entitled to your opinion and beliefs. While it shouldn't matter who is what size, you shouldn't be condemed for wanting to be a healthier you either. My hubby has had some of these same beliefs for a long time, while I have struggled to lose, he has finally reached a size that it is horribly effecting his health and he is realizing he has to do something, she just hasn't reached that point yet. He told me he would never be under 200 pounds, I said who asked you to, right now I would be happy if he was under 400. Whether he is 200 or 500 pounds I still love him, whether you are what you are at now or 100 pounds less she should accept you and love you for you not your weight as you do her. I did find your 1st line interesting that you make friends with larger people, maybe she feels that if you get smaller you won't want to be friends anymore. She may just need some reassurances. There are alot of people out there that get a new figure and a new set of "friends" which to me means they weren't much of a friend to start with.

best of luck

debbie

I feel enlightened- a little. I wasn't able to see past my own point of view and a lot of you pointed out many good and interesting sides. ^-^ Thank you. As an update however, she hasn't spoken to me since and doesn't want to associate with me- apparently, I'm a "negative influence" and she doesn't want that type of person around her. In return- I am going to stay open to a friendship and try to be understanding of where she is coming from (if only she would tell me). I had never heard of the word "sizist," something like sexist or racist? right? o.o Regardless, it is an experience that will make me more weary I think of sharing my motivation with heavy women and I am not sure that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't try to conform those around me, but if asked... I am not sure if I will share.

I think there's a big difference between sharing your weight loss story, or motivation, with someone who has asked for it, and someone who has not (regardless of their size). People generally assume that bringing up weight loss is like bringing up body odor - if you give advice it's because you think they need it. It's like saying, "I notice that you stink - I can help you with that."

Even though I am relatively difficult to offend, it can be very unpleasant when strangers, friends, and even family members feel that I am interested or open to every weight loss method they or a friend (or worse, a friend of a friend) have tried.

I can usually cut extremely close friends and family members some slack, because I know (even if they get rather rude about it) that they are primarily doing so out of love and concern. But when a stranger, aquaintance, or even a good friend who isn't quite of the "best" variety starts giving me health, exercise, and diet advice, it can be very annoying if not down right offensive. They haven't "earned" the right to do so. Even at my weight, I don't think everyone should feel they have a right to discuss such a personal subject with me unless I've brought it up.

I've heard a lot of people complain of losing overweight friends when they lost the weight, blaming it mostly on jealousy (and maybe that is often the case), but I know I've had friends that were nearly impossible to talk to after they'd lost a large amount of weight. They became self-proclaimed experts who constantly talked of their weight loss, constantly gave advice and criticism of my eating/exercise habits (some of it based on wrong assumptions) and became upset when I tried to change or avoid the subject. Even though I am dieting, I don't always want to talk about it.

If someone got off on the bad foot with me, by seeming judgemental about my weight (by presuming to give me advice, for example) I would try to give the person a second chance, but sometimes it is hard to shake the feeling of being judged.

I don't have any problems with K's views, but I would have a problem with someone judging me and placing labels on me because I am trying to become more healthy.

I also think there is a big difference between loving yourself and loving your body as it is. I can love myself as a person but not love what my outsides look like. I know that I am kind, compassionate, etc and none of those things have to do with my weight.

Rereading the original post, I see a lot of judgement flowing both ways. Reddalice said "I don't even know if I could speak with her without smacking her upside the head with a sheaf of medical facts. "

I guess, even now as I am working on my diet and health issues, if I had a friend I knew felt that way (and it would be pretty obvious) telling me how unhealthy I am and how what I am doing (or not doing) is wrong or not enough, or whatever... I would have very little patience for it. My self-judgement is harsh enough, I don't need to feel it from anyone else, not matter how well-intentioned they may or may not have been.

A few years ago, I had a coworker I considered a friend, at least at first, who would always leave books and articles on my desk, and send me cautionary emails on diet and health subjects. At first, I wasn't offended, but pretty soon I felt lectured, and felt that she was watching everything I put in my mouth. She was a vegetarian and part-time vegan who avoided corn syrup, caffeine, and aspartame. I even gave up caffeine after she told me it was "causing" my fibromyalgia. It seemed worth a try, so I gave it up for almost a year, but my symptoms only got worse and my doctor advised that caffeine in moderate doses might help my fatigue and wouldn't hurt me, so I added it back in and felt better (Ooh boy did I hear it from my friend about "undoing" all the progress I'd made, and how I'd never get rid of the fibromyalgia now). Also, since I'd been drinking caffeine in the form of a diet soda or two, then she sent me a website that explained how aspartame was causing fibromyalgia (and almost every other illness known to man).

Although I know she meant well, it became impossible to welcome her advice, and she really couldn't keep from, well smacking me... with medical advice. Even when I asked her to stop, which she would do for a while, I felt very uncomfortable talking to her, because her "I'm holding my tongue" attitude was so clear she didn't have to say it, to say it, if you know what I mean.

I think these are just situations where a friendship just won't work because the lifeviews are just so opposed - and it really doesn't matter who is right, or who has the healthier attitude.

So true....I love this comment!

Reddalice, just curious ... how have things turned out in this situation?

Good reply Dana. Although I am not sure it will change anything, it would be a good thing to get things off your chest and see if there is any way to salvage the friendship. You never know when you can be a support to someone else or when someone else can be a support to you. I always hate to see friendships thrown away, but sometimes that's all you can do.