Wedding Diet Woes (and Wahoos!)

Welcome to my trials and triumphs!


Day 3

I just finished my lunch. The first day it took my like 2 hours to drink. Today I finished it in under an hour. Whew. And now I have the hiccups. My whole body seems to be missing whole food. Tomorrow. Just a few more crappy hours. What is three days in my lifetime? Barely a scratch. Again, I haven’t been hungry. I don’t feel tired. I am not cranky. I haven’t gotten a headache. We will see how this goes. Maybe I will do it again in the near future. Like if I am sitting at the same weight forever, or start to feel sluggish. It was not that bad at all.

Did some circuit training yesterday as well as my usual daily walk of 1.8 miles (minimum, I usually do 3.6). 20 minutes, 3 sets. My shoulders are sore. I think shoulder presses are torture devices. Who lifts shit straight up in the air? I was sweating and breathing hard by the time we were done.

Something I noticed a lot lately is how freaking cold I am like ALL THE TIME unless I am working out. I was all, I should look that up. And it was like, duh, you have lost a little layer of fat, of course you are colder. I am not starving. I eat at the bare minimum 1400 cals a day, but it is usually 1600-2000, depending on how much I worked out. My metabolism is going. I am not iron deficient. So it just has to be that my body is all in shock over the loss of some fat. Unofficially 20 pounds of fat. I could be running in 5 weeks if I keep this up! (H2B says I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I run so I don’t break something.)

My dog enjoys the walks as we can no longer take her to ANY dog park. We found one with a 6 foot high fence. Yep, she jumped it. She weighs like 35-40 pounds. She is crazy. We have been bringing her to H2B’s work like every other weekend. He has a big plant she can run around in with no where she can escape. She loves it. She ate some kleenex again last night so I scolded her and she hid under the bed. You would think I beat her or something. She barely fits under there! She is deep chested; part beagle.

Oh let’s seeeeee, what else is playing through my mind? OH! I am SO OVER homework. I have a semester and a half left for my BA. I do not want to write another paper. I don’t even know why I need to write a paper on the crap I need to write on. It is so lame. If I wasn’t such an extremist, I would be OK with getting a B, and it would be less stress, but alas! Not me. I have a 3.925 GPA right now thanks to a B. So lame. I am on the line of just being like, f*ck this. Turn in your piece of crap paper as is and move on with your life.

I guess that is all for now. Tomorrow I think I will share my whole smoothie experience.

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 28, 2013
At 1:42 pm
Comments :1

Severely Obese

Yep. That is me. I had a hard time admitting I was obese let alone SEVERELY obese. But that is what I am: Severely obese. To become just regularly obese, I need to weigh in at 278.20. The scale goes to hundredths of a pound. I think that is crazy, but, eh, I didn’t make it. I am hoping that within two weeks, I will be under number. I guess I am thinking of it as a mini-goal.

After my frightening episode with water weight, I decided I could use a push. For all those who know me, you know that I have made the decision to not be on a “diet.” I will take no pills, I will not starve myself, or going on crazy exercising binges.

I am in this for the long haul. These are life-changers, not “this moment” changers. I deserve to be healthy.

With that out of the way, I chose to do a detox. I am on day two, drinking my disgusting lunch smoothie as I type this. It is not as bad as yesterday, thank God. It took me two hours to get this down yesterday. It is pretty huge.

I have not been hungry, but the desire to EAT SOMETHING has been really strong.  This is supposed to clear me out of toxins, help me be able to absorb nutrients, and help rev my metabolism. I think three days is worth it. I am getting practically all the cals I would normally eat, just without meat, carbs, or dairy. There is fat and protein in the smoothies and LOTS of veggies and fruit.

Last night I made H2B BLTs for supper. Holy F*CK did those smell soooo gooood. The bread, the bacon… I did not go off my plan. I was proud. Tonight will be harder because I am making gravy, and everyone knows you have to taste gravy to make sure it has the right amount of salt, seasonings, etc.

Wish me luck!

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 27, 2013
At 1:42 pm
Comments :1

Bad Memory

Obviously I am no longer 17, locked in a psych ward, forced to take medications. I am 33 years old. I have the ability to make choices. Most of the time those choices just suck. But today while reading another 3fatchicks blog, I got nailed with a memory that really hurt me.

See, I was thin until I was over-medicated. No doubt I dealt with the occasional anorexia that sometimes comes with mental illness, but for the most part, I looked good and WELL. But when I was put away, I was in a drug-induced haze, and fed a medication that made me BALLOON to a whopping 305 pounds.

The worst thing about it was that I didn’t really know. It took just about a year to more than double my weight. One day I looked in the mirror, and I was like, “Who the F*CK are you?”

I got off the medications, but I still didn’t see myself as other people saw me. I didn’t understand. And since it came on so quickly, I didn’t know that my weight would restrict my activities.

My sisters and I went swimming off a dock in the middle of summer. It was awesome. A beautiful day. But I went to crawl up the ladder on the side of the dock and I COULDN’T!!! I could NOT pull myself up the ladder! I couldn’t understand. The thoughts of letting go and just letting myself drown floated through my head. “How could this have happened to me?!” I thought. My sisters had to pull me out of the water. When I finally got out, I laid on the dock panting, and some teenager there called me a beached whale.

This whole memory is one of my very most painful memories. I never really dealt with bullies or people calling me names. I was confident and liked by almost everyone. This broke me.

I lost a lot of weight by insanity. I am talking frequent loops of insane thinking. I am talking anorexia and bulimia. When I got down there quickly, my body was deformed. The quick gain, and the quick loss, my skin hung grossly. I wanted to kill myself again.

I got some help, and got some of the excess skin cut away from my belly and my breasts, but my surgery wasn’t super quality and I have struggled with liking the poor scar line and weird extra skin here and there. Sometimes I think I could have done a better job.

But how I look today is all me. I put the poison in my mouth. Most of the time I make the conscious decision to eat that entire box of cookies. I am not too unhealthy for the size I am. I can walk miles and miles, and if the old man lets me, I can run for some of it. I don’t get winded walking up stairs. I have muscles under the layers of fat. My blood pressure is great. My cholesterol is a tiny bit high but nothing that needs any medication.

I guess it takes a lot of energy to lug my obese ass around.

But hopefully, I can avoid being called a beached whale this summer.

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 26, 2013
At 1:07 pm
Comments :1

No Offense, Buttttt…

OK, I have to admit, before this week, I thought that fat people made this “medical” condition up until it happened to me.

Last Sunday I was excited to go to bed because I had been down all week and Monday is weigh-in day. I got up Monday morning, hopped on the scale, and to me incredible mortification, I was up!! And not just 2 or 3 pounds. Oh no. I was up SEVEN POUNDS.

How the F*CK does that happen. I wanted to crawl back into bed and die. Even if I ate everything in my whole house, there is no way I could have put on 7 pounds overnight. I got on the internet and started frantically searching for answers. Well, my dear friends, fat people can put on 5-10 pounds overnight in WATER.

Oh really? That’s crazy, how does that happen? I guess it can be caused by dramatic salt intake, AND your body hoarding water if you increase your exercise and slack on water intake. You can help relieve water retention naturally by… dun dun duuhhhnnnn… drinking more water.

So, water retention is real. I am sorry to all those people I internally scoffed at when they would tell me they were retaining water. Tuesday morning I was still up 7 pounds. Wednesday, it was gone. And by today, I was down those two pounds I should have been down last week.  Whew.

Current weight: 282 pounds

Current weight lost: 18 pounds

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 25, 2013
At 5:37 pm
Comments :1

Who said Girl Scout Cookies?

Ok, I got a handle on things this morning and only ate 4 cookies (that is two servings for those of you who don’t know) instead of the whole box. I ate a whole box a few days ago. And a few days before that I ate a half a box. Freaking ridiculous. Before I escaped my bedroom this morning and found said cookies innocently laying on my laptop, I weighed in at my lowest since I started this journey. But today… the cookies for breakfast set the bar.

Next I ate a cheesy pile of scrambled eggs on a piece of sourdough toast. Soooo delicious. I didn’t have any thoughts like, “hey, maybe we could lower the caloric intake by say… no cheese? Or how about less butter?” Nope. None of that happened. So thennnnn for lunch I had 3 steak tacos and I did succeed in altering them a bit by taking one of the two tortillas off, with refried beans and rice. I freaking love authentic Mexican tacos. Dinner: an easy 600 calorie piece of pizza… The crust was amazing. Then I ate an. Entire. Box. Of. Crunch N Munch. I don’t even know how it happened. It was here, then it was gone! That shit’s got crack in it or some shit.

I did walk 3.7 miles today. Thank God. And going against the orders of the boss (the fiance), I took a couple running steps during it. He says I need to lose more weight before I put that much tax on my body, and he is right, but it feels sooooo good. Can you imagine a 300 pound woman running? Well I am not 300 anymore, but I am not that far from it! We will see what the scale says tomorrow morning at official weigh in day.

My mom gets chemo tomorrow. I am hoping it will magically help alleviate some of her bone pain. It gets so bad she pukes. It really sucks being so far away. But you know what, it may be for the best. I have a tendency to take care of others over my own needs and that gets me in trouble.

Anyone have any suggestions to help my skin start springing back into place? Tightening cream? Surgery? lol, just kidding on that last one. Not going to happen. If I don’t have the money for some magic pill, or WW, or IP, I definitely don’t how money for surgery.

So seriously, let me know if you found something to help your skin shrink back. Thanks!

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 17, 2013
At 11:41 pm
Comments :1

Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer

It took me a good week for it to hit me. I have basically been crying for two days. She could live 5 years, but it doesn’t seem like she wants to. Almost every time I talk to her on the phone, she is pushing me to have my wedding real soon. She calls everyday. I wish I didn’t live a thousand miles away so I could really see how she is doing in person.

The cancer is in her bones and lungs and lymph nodes around her kidneys. The cancer in her bone is making her nauseous ever day and all night long. The pain is unbearable she says. The pain killers she is on, that barely touch this pain, make her constipated. None of the anti-nausea medications are working good enough to let her eat or drink anything.

I try to be supportive, but if I have to hear her talk about just letting herself die one more time, I am going to scream. She hasn’t even REALLY started her treatment yet. I want her to wait until she is a few weeks in before she is making all these life decisions. I guess I don’t have to live with the pain though, so…

I am 33 years old. I just realized today that my mom was only in her 30s when her mom died. It seems really unfair. I am supposed to have at least 30 more years with her. This is just ridiculous.

It is midterms week. I can’t believe I have been able to do my homework up to this point. Somehow I am plugging away even though my brain isn’t always working. I can’t even THINK about studying right now. At least the sun is finally out today.

I weighed in at 283 pounds this morning. That is pretty good since I all started this week off at 284 and gained a pound somewhere (Fat Tuesday, even though I am not Catholic). But I re-lost it, and 1 to boot. We will see how that goes at actual weigh in day. I do that on Mondays which I find so silly because I splurge almost every weekend. I think I should weigh in on Fridays. Not changing it now though, Hell, who knows, maybe it keeps me from eating that huge dessert all by myself.

I took a day off somewhere in the past week and I decreased my daily walking for a bit. It seems I needed some time to recuperate. I only lost 3 pounds last month, but with my birthday and all the emotional eating I did, I am glad I lost anything.

Down 17 pounds total so far. 113 to go. One year and one month. I can do it yet.

Filed under : Everday Ramblings
By watchingweight4wedding
On February 15, 2013
At 1:35 pm
Comments :1