The skinny friend, now fat


Weighed myself yesterday. I had a feeling I wouldn’t have lost anything, (I don’t know what made me think that). So it was a surprise to find I had lost another kg. I’m now 57, hovering a little under it in fact. My diet has been good, I haven’t restricted myself and I think that helps, though I still have my problem trigger foods that I hesitate to reintroduce. Surprisingly, Subway is one of them. Maybe it’s because it’s so delicious that once you’ve finished, you crave something more, instead of being satisfied. I can see that my diet was so directed toward bingeing before. You know it’s not right when you’re doing it but it can be hard to make yourself see that, even harder to make yourself do something about it when all you crave is more of the same. I can’t say that I’ve put bingeing behind me for good, because it still lurks there, waiting to jump out again and destroy everything I’ve worked for and it scares the heck out of me to think of going back. Each morning I pull up my pyjama top and examine my stomach in the mirror. It is shrinking, but sometimes I fear pulling up my shirt and seeing my stomach as fat as it was. I still sometimes can’t see the difference. I can feel the difference; my clothes fit, but I still imagine it being the same.

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