Is this time different?

In maintenance since June 1, 2012


On sleep paralysis and somniphobia

So many things start to get the importance they deserve, now that healthy food is becoming a habit! My diet plan is getting to be part of my life, and having left behind that long plateau –low voice: I think I lost another kilo… shhh!– , I somehow naturally started to “control” other aspects of my life.

As I am going back to work today, before going to sleep yesterday –or not to go to sleep… see below– I scheduled my day, and I found myself hesitating at the moment of deciding when my day finished. This is because since my divorce I find it very hard to turn off the light and go to sleep: I stay up watching television –or scheduling the following day– for hours until I collapse, but don’t drift naturally into sleep as most people. So I ran a google search and I discovered that my symptoms are very much in keeping with (a slight, I guess) somnophobia. I used to have (while married, not later) also sleep paralysis, a horrible experience. So I thought that if I can cope with my food issues, I can very well try to cope with me sleep issues…

I am reading into this fear of sleep phenomenon and I will try to go to sleep quietly tonight. Just thinking about it makes me afraid, but I will try. I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Foodwise, everything ok. I eat around 1200 calories (remember I am short), choose food which is low in carbs, walk regularly, and started to lose again after the plateau. In a way, dieting has become a habit, so it is no news now! haha! Hope you are all doing well!

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By susana
On February 6, 2012
At 5:17 am
Comments : 4

Scale day celebration

My initial scale day was Friday, but after a long plateau as the one I went through –two weeks– I have moved it to whichever day the scale moved. It moved yesterday, today it was still under the previous weight, so here we go! I am celebrating another kilo lost.

Wondering why I was stalled for two weeks… I think it was because I was eating too little. Most days it was hard to get to my 1200 calories, though other days, like yesterday, I was really hungry all day. I am trying now not to eat less than 1100, and of course not to go over 1200. It is hard for us, short chicks, because that is not much food, and when we get hungry it is the same hungry as with tall chicks, but we have to get used to it, don’t we?

Today I am going for fish and salad, and we are dining out, so I would like to get some steak, because I am usually low in iron. Next month I have my yearly appointment with my doctor, so let’s see what my blood reading says this time! I am always flirting with anemia and get an iron supplement as punishment.

So, I wanted to lose 10 kilos and I lost 40 % in five weeks. Maybe for the end of May I will be there! My intention is to maintain throughout the winter, which will be quite a challenge because I have lost weight before but never maintained, and then evaluate if I want to/can lose 4 more kilos to get to my wedding weight, 48 (106 pd). I got to that weight during my divorce, but never again –and that time it was because I went days without touching food.

For those who are plateauing and feeling desperate… there is hope! Keep going!

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By susana
On February 5, 2012
At 3:08 am
Comments : 0

A very long day

This second post is just to leave some evidence behind me: I am terribly hungry!!! The day drags on, dinner never arrives. I grabbed a snack an hour ago (two tomatoes) and I hope that will take me to dinner safely. It’s weird, because it is not that I crave something in particular, but just feel uncomfortable because of the hunger sensation. I have some 500 calories left (as I am very short, I have to take around 1200 to lose), but I want to leave them for dinner not to be hungry at night. Sleeping is hard when you are hungry… I never get up to eat at night, and don’t like “hunger induced insomnia.”

So, just venting. I am so hungry! If I were not so motivated i would eat the trail mix I am keeping in the fridge! haha! I’ll be strong! Captain of my soul, master of my destiny!

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By susana
On February 4, 2012
At 1:43 pm
Comments :1

Finally, many kudos for me

After two weeks of not getting below 59 kg, I got to 58 today. Probably I will go up a little again, but at least it seems I have started to break the plateau. Kudos I.

I bought a beautiful chocolate cake with lots of chips and other interesting things, and it is sitting in the fridge for my boys to enjoy. I give them a treat like that once a month, and as they are sportsmen they can eat that kind of food without putting on weight… Good thing is I just don’t think about that cake. I think I don’t even like that taste any longer! Kudos II.

I seem to have found the way to beat constipation too, with mechanical massages. It takes patience, but if I can keep away from laxatives, I don’t mind being patient. Kudos III.

And what I find most important: I am trying to seduce a friend into dieting, just by telling her I am doing well and showing her it is not that difficult. Yesterday we went for coffee and she ordered a huge piece of cake and a smoothie while I had just coffee. She is overweight and getting fatter… So I made jokes about my dieting adventures, we laughed a lot and on leaving she told me she would make an appointment with her nutritionist. Isn’t that a great step? I did not ask her to do it, she just came up with the idea herself after having laughed about my constipation massages and my two-week plateau and the fact I know how many calories you can find in a multi vitamin. I played at being “funnily obsessed” and we had a good time together, never mentioning her weight. I hope she will start to think about losing some , because it will be harder for her if she gets heavier. I won’t speak about this with her again for some weeks, but who knows? Maybe I got her thinking about having some “adventure” like mine! Then, it will be kudos IV.

Well, now for some house cleaning and cooking, sinceĀ  my DS and her fiance are coming to visit. They will love having that chocolate cake for dessert, and I will be sipping tea! I feel great about it!

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By susana
At 5:13 am
Comments : 0

Food and me

Journey2skinny asks if I have tips about changing my relation with food… I don’t know if I can give any kind of advice, but maybe what happened to me may get to be help somebody understand their situation better and find their own tools to eat to live and not the other way around.

I never did any therapy and always wondered what had triggered a behaviour which was far from “normal”: growing up I sneaked into the kitchen to steal cookies, I ate everything I could find when I was home alone –not often, but as soon as my parents went on an errand I started eating–, and in my teens I tried to lose weight by any means: I pretended to eat and hid the food in my napkin, I took diet pills in secret –I was 17 when I started to do that–, I pretended to eat out with friends and skept the meal… and then I would binge when alone. I got married very young and thought that leaving home would fix things, but I got worse: I used to walk to the baker’s to buy pastries “for my husband”, and would eat more than half on the way home. I put on weight, but not so much that people would think it a problem –I was just chubby, not yet overweight.

My marriage was awful. When I was really sad I lost weight because I couln’t eat, but then when things got better I would go back to bingeing. Finally I divorced and stopped caring much about my weight. My normal weight is aroud 110 pounds –less than 100 at 18–, and my heighest was in December 2011, around 124. As you see, it is not obesity but overweight. In a woman who is short, clothes do not fit well with that weight. I have a thin upper body and wide hips and heavy thighs. The fact that I always felt ugly meant that I did not play sports or go out much just because the clothes I used to wear –and still wear– were not appropriate for leisure activities. For instance, in my town many people go boating. I never did, because you cannot go boating wearing a tailor suit, can you?

And then something happened in December 2011. I started to be able to acknowledge how I felt and to be able to stop and ask myself what was going on before attacking the fridge. I came to realize that when I thought of food when not hungry, something was happening to me: instead of covering things up with food, I started to probe into my soul to find out what it was. That, coupled with a low carb food plan, has allowed me so far to keep away from comfort food. Keeping blood sugar low makes it easier to control yourself, and that is what I am doing. I don’t know if I will ever recover completely, but I wish I could some day feel in control of that aspect of my life. I know I have to keep away from cookies and bread –they are my triggers– if I want to think straight. If flour finds its way back into my life again, probably I won’t be able to think clearly.

I notice that now that I feel more in control I am gaining in self-confidence and dare say things and do things I wouldn’t have dared before, though the scale has not moved much. If I ever lose the extra pounds and can dress in a way that makes me feel better, I know I can accomplish a lot. So, I am glad I found this site where I can vent and maybe help somebody else find shortcuts to healing. I thank all those who read this and participate in the forums! I hope you all have very happy lives!

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By susana
On February 1, 2012
At 11:50 am
Comments : 2

The eagle has landed!

Thanks Suzy Wong for your comment! I will stick to the plan though it may take ages.

My idea had been to eat only when hungry and to eat right. That made me lose 6.6 pounds in a month and proved I can be in control. I did not binge in a month, and now I am in for a February binge-free challenge. To me being in control is much more valuable than losing weight, because I have lost weight in the past, but never learnt to have a “normal” relationship with food.

Though the scale has not proved to be my friend, I went for other friends: today I tried on a skirt I had left aside because I could not zip it and guess what? I fits perfectly well! So things are not that bad on the weight side, but they need some fixing.

So, two measures: I enrolled in Calorie Count and I am going to count calories too check what the problem could be with me. Yesterday I logged my food and I was way under 1000 cals. I made an effort and ate a bit more, to reach 1200, which is the recommendation the site makes –I am short. Maybe I was not eating enough? We’ll see!

And the other measure is more scathological: I learnt to apply colonic massage to help my belly do its business. That and a bit of patience played the trick, and the eagle has landed. I’ll try to get more regular on the potty front to see if that helps too.

As a reward for my binge-free month I gave myself a beautiful nightgown, and I am giving myself a matching robe in two weeks to keep reminding myself that I am doing good on that front. How many fronts I am fighting on!!!

But to me the bingeing front is the most important one: my first memory of a binge is ordering a double ration of gnocchi at a restaurant when I was 8, and then throwing up on our way out. Since then, eating a lot in a short time and in private has been a problem to me. I used to think I was a freak because nobody talked about this when I was growing up, and then I learnt it was quite common. Could never master it, though… till now?

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By susana
At 6:58 am
Comments :1