Wow – It’s been a long time…

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Thought I’d try journaling again since I guess I’ve got nothing left to lose.

Not really sure when the last time I posted, but feel it’s time I get this crap out of my head and into words instead of trying to force it back down with food and self-loathing.

I am struggling with massive depression and low self-esteem since the sudden death of my 12 year old niece last year. I find the biggest struggle for me is the secretive, mindless, binge eating I’ve been doing lately. I know I’m doing it, but just don’t have the ‘energy’ to fight the urge to eat as well as trying to overcome this heavy grief that overwhelms me.

My question is this; How do you deal with the depression that so often accompanies the massive quantities of food being gorged on? (I don’t have a sweet tooth or crave carbs but my weakness is spicy meats & rice in large amounts) I have tried going to a therapist but she seemed loopier than I am, and she talked more about her own situation than seemed interested in helping me with my own tragedies. I don’t have any real life friends at all (for real) so I’ve got no one to share my burdens with, or to exercise with, which makes me feel even more alone and isolated. I’m also not in a good mindset to be able to trust anyone with a friendship because the one and only friend I did have, betrayed me about 10+ years ago now so I just steer clear of people altogether now. I figure if I don’t get close to ‘them’; ‘they’ won’t hurt me. And this depresses me even more because deep down, I want to have a real friend again. It’s a viscous cycle.

How do you get motivated when motivation requires you to care about yourself enough to want to get up and get moving? Which again requires motivation. It’s hard enough to get out of bed and go to work every day. It’s exhausting just leaving the house every day and having to talk to co-workers let alone find the energy to get my 10000 steps in every day. It’s weird because I know that my husband and kids care about me but feel so separated from them at the same time. In my mind, I’m so utterly alone and isolated. Even to say that I feel abandoned and lost. It’s hard to care about weight loss and eating healthy when I am struggling to even care about my own life let alone, living.

I feel ‘safe’ journaling here because I’m dismissively ignored just as I am in real life, so getting my emotions down in writing is at least a step. A cry for help as it were; into the vast emptiness of this world of un-carers and ruthlessly critical opinions of equally isolated souls.

So all this to say… I am so alone and tired. Emotionally exhausted and mentally vapid. Struggling with my weight, and now; grief with a cavernous depression that engulfs my every breath as I choke it down with yet another bite of spicy Korean fried chicken.

Pink Floyd – The Wall – Comfortably Numb plays repeatedly in my mind…  Is there anybody out there…


My heart hurts…

I Finally Have Something To Say!

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Finally, something to write about… not that I don’t have much to say but at least it’s something to write down …

1. Work – I have fallen in love with retail work and seem to “fit in” to a job for the first time in my life. I’ve always been the “odd one out” in everything I’ve ever done, but for once, I seem to be liked and accepted by the people I work with. This is a huge deal to me. I got the promotion to Merchandising Brand Assistant on February 9, 2014 and have been spending a lot of time adjusting to my new role while I learn new things. This has been a challenge since softlines is a LOT slower paced than hardlines (clothing sections as opposed to everything else in a big store like Target)

2. Home: My family is well. The son continues to work full-time and is adjusting well to his adult-like life while learning to work with his disability and working towards an independent future. The daughter has finally graduated university with a degree in English and a minor in Spanish. She will be doing TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) at college in the spring for a year before she moves to Korea to teach English. In the meantime, she’s working at a video game store and has been promoted to supervisor and seems to be settling into her new role just fine. The husband continues to work for Bell and the long hours that go with it. We see very little of each other these days but we’re happy and content.

3. Health: My health is slowly improving. My back feels like it has finally healed and I’m no longer in constant pain with it. I’ve had the flu the past week or so and have been off work to get better. And while I’ve been sick, I’ve been on a mostly fluid diet which brings me to my next point….

4. Weightloss: Well this is and always has been a struggle for me. But I think I’ve finally discovered what works for me with Hashimoto’s. The STARVATION Diet!!! Yes! I said it… the starvation diet. Literally meaning, TO EAT NOTHING substantial and the result is weightloss! I had a doctor tell me one time; when I continued to go to him for the same issue of gaining weight despite my best efforts to keep it off; (this included, lots of exercise and limiting calories etc) that no one ever starved to death! LOL Yes, he told me that basically telling me not to eat and I’ll lose weight! But you know, 20 years later, I think he was right! It’s kind of ironic but since I’ve had the flu, I’ve managed to finally lose 4 pounds by only taking in fluids…. yes, fluids consisting of soda, water and soup. Mind you, I’ve also actually eaten about 400 calories a day once or twice in the past week. But something I can’t figure out is that when I weighed myself this morning and was 231.5 pounds, I weighed myself three hours later and weighed 235.8 pounds! Figure that one out if you can!?!?!?! And the ONLY thing I’ve had today was 2 cups of coffee and 3 cups of water with ice! I wonder if the ice has calories since it’s a solid!?!?!? LOL

I’ve got lamb in the oven and will try my best not to touch it tonight! Food is the enemy right now. I MUST LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!! I’m sick and tired of carrying around this weight!!! Drastic times calls for drastic measures… I MUST resist the evil that surrounds me every single day!


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Just this past Thursday (August 30, 2012) I attended a court hearing regarding child support for my two children who are now adult but still entitled to support. As a family, we agreed to end support so their biological father would no longer have any hold on the kids in their lives and they could move on with theirs. My son has decided he wants to officially change his last name to his dad’s (his step-fathers name) so he doesn’t have anymore ties with his biological father (except by gene pool). My daughter hasn’t made a decision about her last name yet but will at some point. All this was spurned on by the children’s great disappointment in their biological father and how my current husband of 15+ years has always been there for them for as long as they can remember. We now close this chapter in our lives for good.

My job is going well but exhaustion has started to set in. Working long, hard days in a physically demanding job is certainly beneficial and has its drawbacks. I’ve lost so much girth all my clothes are now falling off of me and just the other day, I was making a bed at work and my pants fell right off my backside. On my day off, I went out and purchased myself a couple pairs of shorts and tops that fit better now. I also learned my clothing size has changed big time. I’ve gone from a plus size 22 down to a plus size 16 in just 4 months! So once I get a couple more days off I will have to go shopping for some work pants and undergarments since my current ones are also hanging off me now. Another benefit has been my blood pressure. I am now officially within normal ranges which makes me ecstatic and relieved!

Now that I work so much I’ve found my eating habits have changed dramatically. My routine has been to have black coffee and an apple when I get to work in the morning and then I usually have a lunch consisting of protein, vegetables and fruit. Then once I get home, I find I crave more protein and a little carb with veggies. And during all of this, I still drink tons of water. Every morning when I weigh myself before heading to work, I have either lost a pound or two or have remained the same as the day before. I think I’ve finally found what works for me to lose weight with a thyroid disease. Oh, did I mention I now weigh 228lbs!?!?


Being A Blessing & Being Blessed

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I haven’t been online much recently and have been dealing with some family issues that have needed my attention. The daughter’s 3 year courtship ended, the son has been dealing with his desire to find a future wife and the husband has been working double overtime for weeks now.

Needless to say, I’ve been needed to console the heart-broken daughter through sleepless nights and even longer days full of tears. But not to worry, things are slowly going back to normal and settling out.

However, I just found out today that I got accepted for a job up North and will be leaving at the beginning of May for the whole season. About 6 months I will be gone so I will not be able to keep up this journaling until I get back. I’m expecting to lose a lot of weight while I’m gone and hope my family will not die of starvation without me home to cook and clean for them every day. 🙂

I have a month left here at home and have begun preparations for the trip North. Packing and creating a list of things I will need. Making lists for the rest of the family so the animals won’t starve or make messes on the floors either. 🙂 hehe Plants to be tended, etc.

I’m looking forward to the trip. I’ll have my own 2 bedroom cabin on the lake. Fishing, hiking, canoeing, boating, swimming, alone time in prayer and devotionals (almost a sabbatical!), personal rediscovery, and working full-time will be my life until some time in October when the season ends. The family will come to visit every few weeks or so and in a way they will get their vacations in while I’m working. It all has a way of working itself out somehow.

Day 7 – Weighing In

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So my first week is now behind me and I managed to lose a total of 4lbs in 7 days. I don’t put much excitement into this achievement mainly because this is a normal fluctuation for me. I will get excited when that weight stays off for more than a week and then I know it’s really gone.

I started out at 248.8lbs and am currently sitting at 245.4lbs which is a great thing. Yes, I do have a digital scale which helps me a lot and I prefer to see those slight differences showing up since I have “good” days, and I have “bad” days.

Hashimoto’s disease has been my life since my son was in kindergarten and I was forgetting to pick him up from school. I kept going to the doctor because I was forgetting everything and felt like I was literally going crazy. The doctor kept treating me for depression, bi-polar, manic depressive and many others. He had me seeing two phyciatrists of which only wanted to medicate me even more and then wanted to take away my children and put me into a mental institution. It wasn’t until I persisted on a weekly basis with my family doctor that he finally did a blood test for TSH levels. When the results came back, he referred me to an endocrinologist the very next day.

A week or so later, I found myself sitting under a machine testing my thyroid and found out I was in the later stages of the disease and my organs had started shutting down. My brain function was barely holding on, I had lost a lot of my long-term memory and a good chunk of short term memory was gone, and the specialist told me, at that time, that if I had waited another two months, I would have been dead.

So of course I freaked out. I was furious with my family doctor because I had been telling him for more than three years that I wasn’t depressed or suicidal but he wouldn’t listen and kept putting me on anti-depressants and the like. Needless to say, I eventually found another doctor to help me manage my health. I was placed on synthetic thyroid medications and over the course of the last 15+ years, I’ve at least stopped gaining weight and have recovered some of my short term memory loss. I still struggle with memory but not sure if I’ll ever regain my pre-thyroid mind back again. One advantage I have is that I can most definitely blame my forgetfulness on a man! LOL

After the diagnosis, I did my own research and found out that 7 out of 10 women over the age of 25 will develop a thyroid disorder and MOST women won’t know it and the doctors don’t routinely test for it. This is unacceptable with today’s medical knowledge about how this one little hormone factory controls the very core of our being. From menstruation cycles, energy levels and hunger pangs, mental functions, skin health, to metabolism. And everything in between. Our thyroid literally controls EVERYTHING in our bodies.

Today, I take the day off from cleaning and keeping busy. Today, I will try reward myself with idleness and relaxation for being persistent this week. I’ll need to rest up for the week ahead as it is an ongoing daily battle of the bulge. Every little victory is a victory none-the-less. I’m going to enjoy today no matter what. I deserve it.

Weather: cold, windy, cloudy

Mood: content, thoughtful

Sleep: 7hrs slept “hard” (really hard)

Physical: all over body aches and swollen

Activities: bare minimum

Total Calories Allowed: 2032cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1160cal

Day 5 – My Dairy Dilemna

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I love milk. I love cheese. I love anything dairy for that matter. Whether cow, goat, or sheep; milk is just plain good.

Truth be told; milk doesn’t really like me.

It only takes a few ounces of store-bought milk for my stomach to go from a peaceful food processing genious into combustable, gaseous spasms and body-bending cramps. It doesn’t help in the battle of the bulge either. As much as I do NOT like being forced to buy my milk in the stores, I concede to this since my husband won’t allow me to keep a cow in our back yard. He won’t let me keep chickens in the back either for that matter. ( believe me, I’ve asked & we live in the city :-))

Since I developed FM (Fibromyalgia) just about 2 years ago now, I found that dairy contributes to swelling and pain so I eliminated all forms of dairy from my diet save for about 1/2 ounce or less in my coffee daily. And even this on some days is enough to send me running for the bathroom so I try to keep it to as little as possible. And occasionally I’ll splurge and have an all natural yogurt or even a bit of cheese if I feel like I need a reminder of how much I love the stuff but my body doesn’t. :->

I pretty much grew up on a farm and would drink the milk right from the cow, goat or sheep and we NEVER had any issues with bacteria or the like. It would go directly from the cow to the bucket to the jug to the table. In fact, once you picked out the hairs, it was pretty darn good! We made our own cheese, butter and cream; all from that amazing liquid. We never gave our cattle injections to make them produce more milk and we certainly didn’t feed them corn! The cows ate what they should be eating…. grass and hay. You never heard of dairy allergies when I was growing up because cows were still being allowed to live naturally at that time. Boy, I sure do miss those days.

Every once in a while I get the opportunity to go back to the farm and have real, untainted milk taken directly from the cow that morning and placed in a jug on the kitchen table. I love those days when I am able to do that but it doesn’t happen very often. This all-natural milk has never given me any intestinal trouble whatsoever. I think this speaks volumes for that store bought poison found in plastic bags or cartons. And did you also know that real milk (taken from a cow that hasn’t had any steroid or hormonal injections at all and has lived it’s entire life grazing in the fields and eating hay) makes the best yogurt, cheese, butter and paneer!?! It rivals nothing else one finds in a store.

I think I am missing milk today.

Weather: overcast and milky

Mood: silly and a little curdled

Sleep: 5hrs, just creamy

Physical: energetic, maybe a little bit aged

Activities: 5hrs shopping and running errands (milk envy) – 933+ cals burned

Total Calories Allowed: 2032cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1721cal

Day 2 – A Work In Progress

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Woke up and had the usual coffee. My sister-in-law is Vietnamese and makes these wonderful little spring rolls and she had given me a box of them a few days ago. I cooked them up this morning and had 4 for breakfast/lunch. They are about 1/3 the size of an egg roll found at any Chinese retaraunt and healthier to boot. Filled with minced chicken and vegetables (because I do not eat pork), they pack a flavorful punch. Dipped in Thai chili sauce, they satisfy my craving for spice and crunch.

For dinner tonight, I plan on making baked chicken with rice, mixed vegetables & salad. I rarely eat sweets so no dessert is in the foreseeable future.

So far, I have been able to control my urge to go to the fridge and see what I can munch on. Hopefully I can hold out until I start making dinner. I am noticing this is a “habit” more than a “need”. Especially when I’m not sure what to do with myself. All the housework is done and I don’t tend to watch television. I don’t really feel like working on the scarf or afghan I have in progess either. Kinda wishing I had a friend to hang out with right now. 🙁

Weather: Sunny, windy & cold

Mood: bored and bordering on depressed

Sleep: 4hrs, restless

Physical: headache, hands swollen & achy

Total Calories Allowed: 2057cal

Total Calories Consumed Today: 1548cal