Hope & Prayer

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I finally have a chance to sit down at my computer this morning having had my breakfast of 2 fried eggs, over easy, 1c of grits and a few pieces of bacon with my very delicious cup of coffee (522cals). I came to a realization yesterday over my situation with my back injury and weightloss journey. So much has been going on these past couple of months since I’ve been off work, it’s hard to sum it up into words at times but I think it might be possible to at least attempt to write it honestly and then face the facts found in black and white when I’m done writing.

Back Injury: April 6, 2013 – Massive Pain after wrenching back at work. Unable to do anything at all including sleep, walk or exercise. Let alone, work!

May 23, 2013 – WSIB assessment doctor and physiotherapist agree I should only be walking in water and state my gait is very bad at this time. Summary report given to me states same.

Ongoing: WSIB refuse to pay medical, transportation and missed wages. Finances are hard and husband is having to work extra hours to try to make up the loss but still not enough. Son is also helping with finances, but again, still not enough. They continue to be difficult, avoiding, evading and contradictory while I suffer with back injury and constant pain. I have applied for sick benefits from unemployment but my employer is being evasive in not getting an ROE code “D” to submit with my claim. As soon as my employer gives unemployment the ROE then the sick benefits will come in and we won’t lose our house. Until then, we’re on the verge of losing everything!

MRI scheduled for June 14th (tomorrow) at 8:45PM so am hoping I’ll finally have some answers to the intense pain. Chiropractor didn’t do much for me except the traction helped spread the spine enough to take some pressure off momentarily. Physiotherapy seems to be the only thing that has helped with the ultra-sound therapy dispersing the inflammation enough so I am able to finally feel EXACTLY where the source of the pain is coming from. The physiotherapist is the FIRST and ONLY one to ever examine my back without clothing covering it up!!! Hard to believe I’ve been to my family doctor, chiropractor, so-called WSIB specialist doctor and the WSIB physiotherapist but NONE of them EVER looked at my BARE BACK! Only my physiotherapist that I started seeing June 4th after my chiropractic treatments ran out took the time and care to actually look at my back and she couldn’t believe how swollen and hard my back was. She examined my right leg which has been numb and tingly since the day I hurt my back and found it was palpably HOT to the touch!!! She feels my injury is a slipped/ruptured disc just like my chiropractor has said from the very beginning but WSIB refuses to even consider anything but a back strain. Needless to say, I plan on getting a lawyer who specializes in WSIB lawsuits and I’m going to FIGHT them for what they OWE me because of their lack of concern for my personal welfare.

Weightloss Journey: Prior to injury I was up to 7.2 miles on the elliptical every other day and had been doing circuit training. Was getting major strength in abs, obliques, calves and arms. Stamina was at an all-time high and the fibromyalgia was pretty much non-existent. Had purchased expensive, professional running shoes to begin training for marathon running and was going to start jogging.

After injury, all forms of exercise stopped. Not even able to walk 10 feet without crippling pain and having to lay down for hours before the spasms and throbbing pain would subside enough to be able to prop myself up enough to drink water.

Since April 6th, I started eating whatever I could get my hands on from the moment I got up until just before going to bed. I stopped tracking on LoseIt, stopped weighing in daily and fell into a deep depression. I didn’t want to face my feelings of complete failure and hopelessness in my situation so I ate to give myself something to do. This was at least something I have been able to do since I got hurt.

I went from a steady 214.6lbs up to my current weight of 226.8lbs and am sure I will continue to climb the longer I’m incapacitated with my back. I’m still depressed and eating enough to feed 3 of me which I KNOW is wrong and I KNOW I shouldn’t BUT I can’t seem to stop myself. On LoseIt, I made my meal tracking private so no-one else would be able to see what, and how much I’ve been eating since avoiding tracking wasn’t helping me at all, at least I could track it privately and only worry about the sheer amounts of food I’m chugging back instead of fear of being judged by strangers for my weaknesses.

June 11th, I had a day of feasting and when everything was said and done, I had consumed more than 4000 calories. YES, it’s true – OVER 4000 calories!!!! When I saw this on my LoseIt application, I have to admit, it floored me but at the same time, a light turned on in my head….

Here come the facts:

What I ate on June 11th is how I was eating before my weightloss journey really began! That is the TRUTH!

In all honesty, I was eating more than 4000 calories on a regular basis and gaining weight was the result. I may not have been eating like that EVERY day but enough times that it packed the weight on. I can pretend as much as I want that I wasn’t eating too much at the time but the only person I was hurting was myself. No one else. No amount of “hiding” binge eating was going to cover the fact that the scale does not lie!

I am a FOOD ADDICT…. I am ADDICTED to food. I NEED help! I NEED to stop or I’m going to end up right back where I was at this time last year.

The reality is: I have no one to help me and I’m not really sure where to go from here…. and feeling totally alone and lost right now. But at least I am able to admit I am an ADDICT and I NEED help… in the meantime, I suffer in silence. My family would not and cannot possibly understand what I’m going through and I literally have absolutely no friends to share my sorrows with.

Setbacks and Depression Have Set In

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It`s been more than 6 weeks now since I hurt my back and am fighting some major depression and my weightloss journey has officially hit a wall. I have now gained 6lbs since my back injury on April 6th. Unable to exercise or even walk, I am now depressed and discouraged being in a lot of pain from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night. I`m not sleeping well either because every time I adjust myself, the pain wakes me up again. I think after everything is said and done with regards to my back injury and ongoing health issues, I will look into applying for OSDP… joy oh bliss….

WSIB has set up an assessment at a clinic to find out what is really going on with my back pain and to see if I`m faking it or not. My doctor strongly advised me not to do more than I am able to tolerate and if the so-called specialist tries to force, intimidate, or threaten me to do more than I can, I am to tell them it`s unethical and will report them to the college of physicians and surgeons of Ontario. So with that said, I`ve been researching my rights as a patient and what the doctor`s can, and cannot do. With knowledge and information on hand, I will be better prepared for the assessment on Thursday, May 23rd. I`m hoping I get an MRI too for some solid answers and since I already suffered from Fibromyalgia before the accident, they aren`t legally allowed to use that as leverage in the assessment to determine the extent of the injury in relation to the WSIB claim.

I currently weigh 222lbs and not exercising at all. Depressed, sad and frustrated. Need to be able to get myself back on track but this injury has hurt a lot more than just my working performance. It has now infiltrated my private and personal life to a devastating extent where I`m miserable, moody, irritable and snippy with everyone around me. I burst into tears at a moments notice and have gloomy thoughts regularly. This is not how I planned my 2013 spring/summer to be. Holding out for answers to the pain without drugs or surgery…

Day 430 – Still Going ….

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Can you believe it has been 430 days since I started journaling my weight loss? It’s amazing how much has happened in this time.

Following up on my previous entry, WSIB is “harassing” me and trying to convince me to override my doctor’s recommendation to stay off work completely and he has recommended to me privately that I stay off that job until I am able to find another one that is less strenuous and physical. The WSIB lady actually full-out lied to me trying to tell me I am able to return to work whether my doctor says I can or not. I just let her talk but know the truth. I have read the WSIB website on their return to work policies and my doctor actually has the final say and I don’t HAVE to return to work unless he recommends it. I know they record the phone call conversations so when I was speaking with this woman, I made sure I did not say anything they would be able to misconstrue and try to stop the payments that I am entitled to. My chiropractor has given me until May 8th to be off work and submitted that information to my employer but the WSIB is trying to tell me I HAVE to go back to work asap. She recommended a nurse consultant for an assessment, MRI & xray. We’ll see if that does anything different. She also said she is going to recommend me to a “return to work specialist” who will apparently meet with my employer and myself to see what I am able to do at work while I’m recovering from this injury.

So, with that said, I have been looking for another job since I’ve been off work now for almost 4 weeks and sent out about 60 resumes to just about every job imaginable. Out of ALL these resumes I’ve sent out, I got ONE interview. Yes… only ONE! Pathetic if you ask me. With all my qualifications and transferable skill set, you’d think I’d get more responses than that. Oh well, one is better than none I suppose. I attended the interview this afternoon at 4pm. This particular job I had applied to is for a full-time butchers apprentice and will pay pretty darn good! I will know by this Friday if I get the job or not. I have to say, I think I would like the job though as it would expand my cooking/chef knowledge base even more and it would not be nearly as physically demanding as the one at the hotel.

Okay, WSIB – covered. Job search – covered…. what else… weight loss…. well… not doing so hot in that area right now. I am knowingly eating way too much (about 1700-1900 cals a day) and not able to exercise near as much as what I’d like to. I’m getting in about an hour of elliptical every 2 or 3 days and am incorporating the Wii fit in between those days to help with the muscle fatigue. I’m also doing circuit training every other day. I’m still not able to lean or bend without some sort of support to help me get down and up again. I’m still experiencing back spasms when I try to turn at the hips so I workout very carefully so as not to make my back hurt more. I’m currently weighing between 216-221lbs but am SO NOT HAPPY about this at all. Oh I also have been using my Polar HRM pretty much every time I am active and have discovered some information that might explain why I’m not losing the weight I should be.

I have Hashimoto’s disease which means my body went against my thyroid and basically “killed” it. When this happened, I started to gain the weight over many years despite my best efforts and think I now know why. The thyroid controls everything the body does including the metabolism and with the help of the HRM I was able to see exactly how many calories I burn during a rigorous workout for a certain amount of time based on my weight. On average, I’m burning only 5 calories a minute when I’m full-out exercising with a heart rate of 140bpm. A person with a “normal” metabolism will usually burn 18 calories or more in a minute. So it makes a LOT of sense why I’m literally not DROPPING the weight like I should be. The question is…. now what can I do???  I wish I could afford a personal trainer and someone to help me get my metabolism working right so I can burn calories. I also only burn an average of 2 calories a minute just doing normal daily activities. “Normal” people burn 8 – 10 calories a minute doing the very same things…. This has me really discouraged since I already eat between 1100 – 1500 calories a day and if I wanted to see the weight start coming off, I’d have to literally eat less than 500 calories a day to make any difference on the scales.

I guess only time will tell how this saga ends…. so not happy with my life right now… don’t get me wrong… personal life is good. Just the health and job isn’t so hot right now and I’m kinda discouraged and disappointed about how things have gone recently.

Life Changes Again

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I just got back from my chiropractors and have been getting treatments the past few weeks due to a back injury that happened at work on April 6th.

Because it’s a work related injury, I’ve submitted a claim to the WSIB to cover my medical costs and wages lost. While I was at the chiropractors “on ice” he got a call from the case worker at the WSIB to confirm the diagnosis and to find out if I have been “faking” the injury. He basically “schooled” her and got me approved for 8 weeks of treatment and wages but said I need to find a job that isn’t so physically demanding. This crushed me…. this job is one of the major reasons helping me to lose weight and get my life back on track. I’m pretty much devastated right now…

I’ve also gotten a call from HR at work and she “hinted” at a voluntary layoff option since it’s so “slow” at work right now. YEAH RIGHT!!! I wasn’t born yesterday!!!! I know they just want to get rid of me at this point – no loyalty from them whatsoever! So my thoughts are after I am treated for 8 weeks, I will take the voluntary layoff and go on EI for a year. During that time I can look for another job (dr strongly suggested an office job) and allow my back to continue healing.

The plan is, if I’m going to be off work for a while, I’ll continue controlling calories and exercising within my capabilities (which isn’t much right now) and hopefully I’ll still lose weight.

I did get myself a heart rate monitor watch with chest strap the other day. Polar FT4 and it’s marvelous! I wear it ALL THE TIME!!!! I’m learning how my body burns calories and what it takes to get my HR into the “zone”! Really enjoying this and it’s a good distraction for me right now.

While I’ve not been working, I try to keep my daily calorie budget below 1500 and still drinking lots of water. I still struggle with making sure I eat enough fruit and veg on a daily basis but am also restricted to what I can buy due to financial restrictions. Unfortunately ground beef and pastas are still cheaper than a bag of apples and salads with lettuce, tomato, cucumber and carrots. And since I’m not working right now, I can only buy what I can afford until something changes in this area.

So basically with all things considered, I think I’ve been doing alright in the area of weight loss and calorie control. I’ve been fluctuating between 215-220lbs over the past 3 weeks and averaging 1100-1500cals a day. Only time will tell if I’m ever able to return to a full time job and pick up the level of exercise I was doing before I had the injury.

I sure could use a personal trainer and therapist right now… ugh…

Must Write…

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Saturday April 6 – I hurt my back at work pulling a very heavy (about 100+lbs) housekeeping cart through a fire door and twisted my torso in such a way I immediately felt something go terribly wrong in the middle and lower back areas. Within hours, I was unable to bend or walk without being in extreme pain. I told my supervisor about the injury but she just gave me this blank stare and shrugged her shoulders. I had a feeling this meant, “just do your job” and she walked away.

At lunch time, my bosses were in the staff room and noticed I was not my usual feisty, jovial self and they asked what was wrong. Told them again, “I hurt my back and am in a LOT of pain”… Again, my supervisor shrugged then said, “you need to fill out an incident report” and the manager agreed. Yet they did nothing…

I hobbled out of the room and managed to finish the day out. Went to my boss’ office to do the incident report and no one was there. I left work to go home and try to get this pain to ease up. Was up all night with back spasms and extreme pain. Called into work early Sunday morning.

Have been off work since. I went to see my chiropractor and family doctor on Monday, April 8th. Chiropractor suspects a slipped disc and my family doctor won’t touch me as long as I am seeing the chiropractor. WSIB workers compensation has been suggested by both but still need to fill out that so-called “incident report” at work before I am able to file a claim.

I can barely walk, sit, go up steps, bend over, raise my legs or lift even a loaf of bread without excruciating pain piercing my back and they want me to go into work, walk up 2 flights of stairs, open a heavy door to fill out this report. Then am expected to sit and discuss injury with HR on first floor again. Geez…. what a fiasco!

And to make things worse, I’ve now gained 5lbs back due to inactivity!!! So NOT happy about this…. weighed in at 218lbs this morning I could just cry!

A Visual Update – To Keep Me Motivated

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In May 2012 I weighed my heaviest at 262.8lbs (may as well say 263lbs!) at a shirt size 3x with a plus size 22 pant.   In February 2013, I weighed 218lbs and wearing regular size 14 pant and a regular large shirt (have to leave room for the sisters!)

Nowadays, I’m weighing in at about 214lbs but since I’m typically retaining fluids and having some major issues with IBS, I figure if I were to do a “cleanse” I would most definitely be under 210lbs.

STATS: I’ve gone from a 51″ waist down to 37″, biceps – 16″ to 13″, upper thighs – 29″ to 24″, and the inches just keep dropping off!

The scale may not be moving as fast as I would hope but my body is sure telling me I’m losing fat. My calf muscles are very TONED and defined. My pectorals and laterals are bulking up quite nicely and I have noticed my breasts are actually getting some lift back to them! LOL Sounds crazy but true! Even my biceps are getting toned and my “bat wings” are shrinking! (bat wings are those flappy bits hanging off the biceps when you hold your arms at shoulder height) It seems the bulk of my fatty deposits are now centered around my waist/hip area but that’s how it’s always been with me. I’m just glad I’m losing the fat, gaining the muscle and getting my life back one day at a time! 🙂 Woot!

Down Again

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I officially weigh 214lbs! Woot! LOTS of exercise and being extremely careful what I put into my body has helped me lose 48.8lbs to date. Only 1.2lbs away from 50lbs and that much closer to getting under 200lbs by June 2013….  I think I can… I think I can… I think I can…..

NOT A GOOD DAY!!!! :-(

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So, I go to work and am having a really good day then go for lunch. My employer “provides” lunch and I usually always have chicken or beef. Today I was having a bit of both. Eating the chicken, one of the girls says, “is this the chicken with the ham in it….? What’s it called?” I respond with Cordon Bleu…. (ding! a light goes on in my head)

I immediately stopped eating the chicken…. You see, I am not able to eat pork and it makes me extremely sick. I finished up the beef hoping to “bury” the porky affects in my stomach but lo’ n’ behold about 10 minutes later I’m throwing up in the staff washroom and experiencing extremely painful stomach cramping.

Needless to say, I had to come home and here I now sit with a very aching, upset stomach and very frustrated. My boss is going to talk with the cooks since they know about my sensitivity to pork and didn’t label the foods at all. I’m SO NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!! gggrrrrrr…..

In my opinion, they should pay me for the whole day since me having to leave due to the cooks inability to provide adequate information about the foods they serve was not my fault.

Let the major intestinal games begin!!!

Scale has FINALLY moved!

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WOOT! What else is there to say! 😀  216lbs and BMI is getting much better!

Okay, guess I must explain the “gain”… I lasted only 1 day at 214.8lbs then I got sick again. This time with a bad head cold and went back up to 220lbs even though I wasn’t eating hardly anything and working like crazy.

I have learned that when the body is getting sick it will go into “survival” mode and start “holding” weight and I figure that’s what happened because the calories were nowhere near budget at ANY time. I had actually lost my appetite and was having to FORCE myself to eat just to be able to function since my body was aching and I was feeling really drained but at the time I didn’t know I was getting sick for almost a week before it finally came right out for the last three days. And I was working a 6 day stretch during that whole gain period. Now that I’m back on the road to recovery yet again, my weight is headed back in the right direction.

So once again… I say WOOT!! hehe


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I’ve been working very hard for the past couple of weeks and have been having an even harder time with eating enough to keep my energy levels up because I’ve been so exhausted and too tired to eat anything.

I have been trying really hard to eat breakfast to prevent my body from going into starvation mode but I’m still not eating enough throughout the day. My average daily calorie total has been around 1100-1500 but “should” be around 1900 or more to keep up with the amount of exercise I’m doing every day. At work, I’m burning about 3000 calories so I know I’m not eating nearly enough for my body to run on.

BUT – I do have some good news in the battle of the bulge:

This morning I weighed in at 214.8lbs

That’s all I have to say about that! 😀

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