Wow – It’s been a long time…

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Thought I’d try journaling again since I guess I’ve got nothing left to lose.

Not really sure when the last time I posted, but feel it’s time I get this crap out of my head and into words instead of trying to force it back down with food and self-loathing.

I am struggling with massive depression and low self-esteem since the sudden death of my 12 year old niece last year. I find the biggest struggle for me is the secretive, mindless, binge eating I’ve been doing lately. I know I’m doing it, but just don’t have the ‘energy’ to fight the urge to eat as well as trying to overcome this heavy grief that overwhelms me.

My question is this; How do you deal with the depression that so often accompanies the massive quantities of food being gorged on? (I don’t have a sweet tooth or crave carbs but my weakness is spicy meats & rice in large amounts) I have tried going to a therapist but she seemed loopier than I am, and she talked more about her own situation than seemed interested in helping me with my own tragedies. I don’t have any real life friends at all (for real) so I’ve got no one to share my burdens with, or to exercise with, which makes me feel even more alone and isolated. I’m also not in a good mindset to be able to trust anyone with a friendship because the one and only friend I did have, betrayed me about 10+ years ago now so I just steer clear of people altogether now. I figure if I don’t get close to ‘them’; ‘they’ won’t hurt me. And this depresses me even more because deep down, I want to have a real friend again. It’s a viscous cycle.

How do you get motivated when motivation requires you to care about yourself enough to want to get up and get moving? Which again requires motivation. It’s hard enough to get out of bed and go to work every day. It’s exhausting just leaving the house every day and having to talk to co-workers let alone find the energy to get my 10000 steps in every day. It’s weird because I know that my husband and kids care about me but feel so separated from them at the same time. In my mind, I’m so utterly alone and isolated. Even to say that I feel abandoned and lost. It’s hard to care about weight loss and eating healthy when I am struggling to even care about my own life let alone, living.

I feel ‘safe’ journaling here because I’m dismissively ignored just as I am in real life, so getting my emotions down in writing is at least a step. A cry for help as it were; into the vast emptiness of this world of un-carers and ruthlessly critical opinions of equally isolated souls.

So all this to say… I am so alone and tired. Emotionally exhausted and mentally vapid. Struggling with my weight, and now; grief with a cavernous depression that engulfs my every breath as I choke it down with yet another bite of spicy Korean fried chicken.

Pink Floyd – The Wall – Comfortably Numb plays repeatedly in my mind…  Is there anybody out there…


My heart hurts…

I Finally Have Something To Say!

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Finally, something to write about… not that I don’t have much to say but at least it’s something to write down …

1. Work – I have fallen in love with retail work and seem to “fit in” to a job for the first time in my life. I’ve always been the “odd one out” in everything I’ve ever done, but for once, I seem to be liked and accepted by the people I work with. This is a huge deal to me. I got the promotion to Merchandising Brand Assistant on February 9, 2014 and have been spending a lot of time adjusting to my new role while I learn new things. This has been a challenge since softlines is a LOT slower paced than hardlines (clothing sections as opposed to everything else in a big store like Target)

2. Home: My family is well. The son continues to work full-time and is adjusting well to his adult-like life while learning to work with his disability and working towards an independent future. The daughter has finally graduated university with a degree in English and a minor in Spanish. She will be doing TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) at college in the spring for a year before she moves to Korea to teach English. In the meantime, she’s working at a video game store and has been promoted to supervisor and seems to be settling into her new role just fine. The husband continues to work for Bell and the long hours that go with it. We see very little of each other these days but we’re happy and content.

3. Health: My health is slowly improving. My back feels like it has finally healed and I’m no longer in constant pain with it. I’ve had the flu the past week or so and have been off work to get better. And while I’ve been sick, I’ve been on a mostly fluid diet which brings me to my next point….

4. Weightloss: Well this is and always has been a struggle for me. But I think I’ve finally discovered what works for me with Hashimoto’s. The STARVATION Diet!!! Yes! I said it… the starvation diet. Literally meaning, TO EAT NOTHING substantial and the result is weightloss! I had a doctor tell me one time; when I continued to go to him for the same issue of gaining weight despite my best efforts to keep it off; (this included, lots of exercise and limiting calories etc) that no one ever starved to death! LOL Yes, he told me that basically telling me not to eat and I’ll lose weight! But you know, 20 years later, I think he was right! It’s kind of ironic but since I’ve had the flu, I’ve managed to finally lose 4 pounds by only taking in fluids…. yes, fluids consisting of soda, water and soup. Mind you, I’ve also actually eaten about 400 calories a day once or twice in the past week. But something I can’t figure out is that when I weighed myself this morning and was 231.5 pounds, I weighed myself three hours later and weighed 235.8 pounds! Figure that one out if you can!?!?!?! And the ONLY thing I’ve had today was 2 cups of coffee and 3 cups of water with ice! I wonder if the ice has calories since it’s a solid!?!?!? LOL

I’ve got lamb in the oven and will try my best not to touch it tonight! Food is the enemy right now. I MUST LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!! I’m sick and tired of carrying around this weight!!! Drastic times calls for drastic measures… I MUST resist the evil that surrounds me every single day!

Just A Thought

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I’ve recently been watching a television show called, “I Used To Be Fat” which is about 18 year olds who are about to go to college and need to lose some serious poundage over the summer. During the course of the show, the trainers usually get into the “whys” of the eating and ultimate weight gain. A lot of the kids say they “don’t know” but typically we find out the reason and then they get serious about dropping the pounds.

Well with this said, it’s got me to thinking about the “whys” I have fallen back into my old habits since I’ve been off work with my back injury. When I ponder how I feel, I find I have to dig very deep just to touch the tip of the iceberg that is my buried emotions but one thing that continues to stand out is the very deep sadness I feel. And then when I think about the sadness and actually allow myself to ponder that emotion, I can feel myself burying it once again. Moments of clarity reveal a few of the reasons for the great sadness. My biological father (dad) died on January 4, 2001 and five months later, my step-father (pa) finally died from a long battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma on May 18, 2001. I was very close to both of them. I have also realized I DO NOT talk about these people at all. I avoid any and all conversations involving my dad and my pa and while I sit here typing, I can feel my eyes want to cry but I am pushing those feelings back down again with a hard swallow in my throat.

A deep sadness for the loss of a long-time “friend” who I had trusted with my life and had even left her everything in my will who ultimately betrayed me when I allowed her to live with me and my husband and kids after she was released from hospital a few years ago. She had almost died from flesh eating disease and spent 2 months in ICU then another 2 months in hospital undergoing several surgeries to remove more rotting flesh on several parts of her body. She had been living in squalor with her adult daughter in a small town and had not told me how bad her situation really was but once I found out what happened, I stepped in to help because her daughter did not want to deal with her mother any longer. There’s a lot more going on here but feel I need to stick to the point. 🙂 So I arranged everything for my friend. Got her on social assistance, put her on a government housing list and brought her to my house after she was discharged from hospital so she could continue to recover and gain strength enough to live on her own again. In the three months she stayed with us, she lied to me and my family, her friends and physicians. She tried to turn my kids against me by poisoning their minds with lies. It was so bad she had my son almost hating me and his sister at one point and it got so bad that he finally confronted me about it and that’s when everything came out. I found out what she had been doing behind my back and I kicked her out of my house. At this point she had recovered sufficiently enough that she was able to live on her own but had been avoiding any progress that involved her actually taking the necessary steps to be independent. She left the very next morning with nothing more than a trash bag of her belongings and no apology whatsoever. I’ve not seen or heard from her since. I was heartbroken when she did this to me and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. She was the ONLY friend I’ve had in 20+ years and now that she’s gone, I’ve got no one to talk to at all. This bit is really hard to face. Sure lots of people have come into my life but none have become a true friend. I know a LOT of people, but none of them are friends at all. They never call, we never hang out… nothing…. I would try to extend a hand of friendship only to have it cut off when they say they don’t have time or lie to me by saying, “we’ll have to get together another time” then that never happens either.

I think another reason for my eating habits is a very deep depression I’m struggling with in how much of a failure I feel I am. I had so many aspirations when I was younger and never achieved any of them. I wanted to be a nurse and gave that career up in the first month of work to raise my children all because of a man who came into my life and he wanted me to stay home with the children. Who would have known this man would be the WORST thing to come into my life and ended up in a very abusive relationship for the next 6 years and had to protect my children from this animal on a daily basis. I think I carry a lot of guilt for being so stupid and not seeing the signs before this man wooed me with his charms and suckered me into his wicked web of deceit and cruelty. Then after the marriage, I felt I needed to stay in the relationship because that’s just what women did back then. We were taught by our parents that once married, always married; no matter what. So I tried to make it all work and keep the kids safe at the same time; so quite often I bore the brunt of that man’s anger and terror until I felt I could not take the abuse any longer and we fled into a protective shelter under police protection.

Well, I think I’ve opened up very old wounds long enough and it’s now time to bury these emotions once again. I think I’ll order a large pepperoni pizza for breakfast and abuse my body some more because I really do hate myself that much right now…. I’m so weak and pathetic… I deserve to be fat and ugly.

Back to Back

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A lot has happened since I last journaled. I had tried to return to work doing modified duties for 2 hours a day for 5 days a week but by the end of the 5th day I could barely walk let alone work. All I did for 90% of the last 2 hour shift was lay down and made sure my boss knew it before I left. The next two days I called in; not able to work because of the pain; then on May 23rd I had a Regional Evaluation Assessment by the WSIB called a REC. and according to their summary report, I was only able to do “water walking” until I have an MRI and they get the results in.

So I put a call in to my case manager at the WSIB and left a message for her to contact me regarding this information and that I’m unable to work due to the amount of pain I’m in. She has yet to return my calls. I’ve also faxed her with a formal letter indicating what I need and what is happening and STILL haven’t heard anything from her. Now today, I get a call from the physiotherapist that was part of the assessment and she thinks I may have “misinterpreted” the summary report in that she intended for me to return to work while I am supposedly to be doing “water therapy” as well. I reminded her that on the day of the assessment I was barely able to drive let alone walk at the appointment and how would I be able to cope with going to work as well. She said she’d have to discuss with the attending doctor and get back to me. I have a feeling I’m getting a huge run around by the WSIB trying to back peddle their decision.

I also went to my family doctor today as requested by the attending doctor at the assessment and am now on pain killers called percocet. I’ve never been on pain killers so he told me to take half of the dose to see how that works for me. I’ve only taken my first half of one about half an hour ago and I’m already feeling loopy. With this in mind, how in the world do they expect me to work like this now? It just amazes me how contradictory they can be at times! DOH!

Okay, am starting to see double so am going to go back to laying down again. I still feel the pain in my back but at least I don’t care anymore! LOL

I’m A Little Confused

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I’ve recently been having trouble losing weight. After getting better from the last bout of pneumonia over the Christmas holidays, I’ve been struggling with weight. While I was sick, I actually gained 7 pounds but barely ate anything and it seems it doesn’t want to come off very easily. At one point, the doctor’s scale read 213lbs (mine at home read 217lbs) but it seemed that once I started feeling better, I gained 7 pounds and right now am hovering at 220lbs. Some days, I am 218 but then a day or two later, I could be 221.8lbs. I’m really confused. I have a weight-loss buddy who is helping me sort out my “issues” and she’s made me aware that I’m not eating enough to lose weight! Now go figure that one out! LOL

Okay, so I’m realizing I don’t eat breakfast. I just have a coffee or two. Then go to work, have maybe a total of 200 calories worth of food at lunch then drink apple juice the rest of the time that ultimately brings my calorie intake to a whopping 500 calories for lunch and the whole afternoon. Then I go home after work, have dinner which is maybe a few bites off the plate then I’m chugging water and maybe a can of coke or even more apple juice until I go to bed. So while I may be eating about 2000 calories a day, 80% of it is liquid energy. I’m tired all the time, I feel drained, aching and sore. My buddy tells me my body is in starvation mode because I’m not eating enough while I’m working my very physically demanding job. Add to this, my elliptical workouts when I’m off for a day or two, and I guess I’m not fueling my body enough.

What I can’t seem to wrap my head around is that I know all this stuff! I’ve been doing this for YEARS! Literally, YEARS!!! I’ve tracked very calorie and nutrition content for as long as I can remember. Everything I put into my mouth is measured but that doesn’t seem to be helping me lose weight!!!! I’m very frustrated and at a loss as to what is going on.

I’ve always been physically active and in the past, my eating habits have never been an issue. That is until now. I was telling one of the girls at work today, after another comment from her about how I should be eating more at lunch time, that I am the fattest anorexic on earth! At the time I was actually joking around but the realization of what I had just said really hit home. I just don’t know how to change this right now. I need Dr. Christian Jessen to help me with a diet plan get back on track to lose weight! 🙂

Example: For dinner tonight, my husband had made dinner for me but after only 3 bites, I was “full” and couldn’t eat anymore. Literally, only 3 bites of food and I just couldn’t put another spoonful past my lips! Yet, I’ve been drinking liquid like a good thing the whole time. So far, I’ve had a coke and 4 bottles of water (=8 cups) and will likely have at least another 2 bottles (=4 cups) before I finally fall asleep tonight.

So I guess, until I figure this one out, I’m just going to have to try to start eating breakfast because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do and will try to eat more at lunch time. I’m just so NOT INTO FOOD RIGHT NOW!!!!  It just turns my stomach to force food down my throat and I literally have to choke it down in order to swallow it. I’ve GOT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!

Oh These Winter Blues

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Tonight I sit here alone in the house. It’s very quiet and still. Everything that is, except for the clicking and tapping of the keyboard and mouse while I write my journal. 🙂   The snow is blowing pretty bad outside tonight and the roads are slick with ice and snow. I just got home from taking the son to work, the daughter is out playing pool with a few of her friends and the husband is still working.

I don’t get this privilege very often, so when I do, I like to take a hot bubble bath and ponder life and all it’s intricacies. I reflect on 2012 and smile in anticipation for what 2013 will bring.

As far as the weight goes, I have actually gained a bit during my illness. I’m currently weighing between 220-224lbs depending on how much fluid I’m drinking on any given day. I know it can’t possibly be due to eating since I’m barely doing much of that these days so it has to be from all the fluids and medications I’m on while my body is trying to heal from this influenza/pneumonia. I’m actually a little surprised I’ve put on weight but it makes sense because of my body swelling so much.

When I was at the doctor’s the other day, I was weighing in at a wonderful 213.8lbs and I was actually eating more at that point that I have been this past week! Needless to say, the extra pounds are showing in how I’m feeling about myself right now. I’ve been sick since before Christmas and haven’t been able to shake this bug and it’s really starting to get me down. All the sleepless nights spent coughing and heaving combined with medicated constipation and upset stomach are all contributing to my melancholy mood.  I’ve managed to cough some ribs right out of place so when I cough again, I cringe in major chest and back pain. Body aches and low-grade fever add to my dismal outlook. I feel like I’ve got to constantly void my bladder but when I cough, it voids automatically for me! LOL Oh the joys of being middle aged and having incontinence issues when you’re sick! I know I’ve matured when I don’t care anymore whether people know I’m having “issues” or not! LOL

I called work to find out when I’m scheduled to work next but when my boss heard my voice she told me I was scheduled to work tomorrow but since I’m still not sounding too well, she told me not to come in and to call again on Tuesday to find out if I should go to work for Wednesday. So I guess I’m not ready to work this week again after-all. I was really hoping to be better by now so I could get back to work. Our finances are taking a huge hit with me not working the past few weeks. Thank goodness I’ve got God to work it all out for me because if I had to worry about all this on my own, I’d be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now and not just down in the dumps because of this sickness. Even in my illness, I still praise Jesus Christ for providing and taking care of me all this time. Including our finances, my family and protecting our assets even if I’m not feeling top notch at this very moment.

Pre-Winter Blah’s

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In the past couple of months, I’ve noticed a trend occurring in my eating habits. I’ve been working a LOT of hours and have had very little time for rest or personal quiet time to do my own thing and have realized I’ve been eating out of boredom when I get home from work.

I’ve really noticed it in recent weeks when I’ve grabbed the bag of chips that normally would sit at my desk for literally months at a time is now disappearing in only a couple of weeks. The dinner meal that would usually only get half eaten is now being fully consumed as well as something sweet which is something I don’t have maybe only two or three times in the course of a full year! (I’m not a “sweet” person, I like spicy stuff) Then what makes this all so much worse is a couple of hours later, before bed, I will make myself a sandwich and then have chocolate as the grande finale!

I work so hard most days of the week, when I get home or have time off, I am quite literally bored and unsure as to what to do with myself until I collapse into bed at night. I’d work out if I had the energy and I’d knit or crochet if my hands weren’t so sore from working all day. I’d go for a walk if I didn’t have the fibromyalgia that prevents me from even walking to the end of my street because of all the pain in my body. I’m not really sure what to do with myself at this point. If I had any friends, I would hang out with them and play cards or even just share conversation over a cup of tea.

Some nights I come home to an empty house and love it! I will make dinner for me and the husband (for whenever he gets home) and then clean the kitchen with my classy jazz or big band music playing throughout the house with no one under the age of 30 to complain about the “old tunes”! LOL Unfortunately, most nights someone has been home during the day and has managed to make a mess of the kitchen that I had cleaned when they weren’t home the previous night making all my hard work completely redundant.

Tonight, I’ve affirmed to NOT eat after dinner and will restrain myself from noshing whatever jumps into my hands…. that is…. right after I have me some popcorn…. Pray for me… 🙂

A Summer Cut Short

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Well, I have returned from my job up north having to cut it short due to a personal emergency that requires my immediate attention on the homefront. Nothing to do with my own family but the father of my children (ex-husband) who is causing problems in my life.

So here I am and I suppose you’d like to know how I fared in the great beyond! 🙂 So I guess I will tell you.

When I left, I was 260+lbs with high blood pressure of 192/86 and my doctor wanted to put me on medications to lower my BP. I have news to report that after only 3 months working up north I have now….

Lost 35lbs and counting and my BP is now 127/75 which is NORMAL RANGE!!! Woot!!! So now I’ve gone from being a 4x shirt size down to a LARGE!!! I am officially OUT of the plus sizes for shirts. I couldn’t be more happier with my progress. I have lost approximately 6 inches off my hips and waist so far and plan on continuing this weightloss even now. I’m already halfway to my goal of losing 60lbs by the end of October. I NEED to succeed! For me, for my family and for my life…. I choose life with both hands and take back what I gave up so long ago now…. my self-esteem and affirm that I AM WORTH IT!!! and I DESERVE THIS!!!

The plan is to be down to 200lbs by November of this year. With tenacious determination, I WILL DO THIS!

A LOT of the weightloss is due to good old fashioned HARD WORK and SMALLER PORTIONS! I eliminated the added salt from my food and also from my cooking. Being in the food industry it can be hard to remember a day without salt since it is used very liberally in any commercial restaraunt and fast food joint. That’s how they make it taste so good! That, and chemical additives and fillers. Anyways, I also played a lot of golf, tennis and canoeing which helped with keeping my boredom at bay. I drank TONS of water and I mean TONS of water! I was, and still am drinking about 4-6 liters of water a day. It helps with hydration but also does something a lot more important…. it makes me feel full when I’m not really hungry during the day between meals.

So here I am. Back home and all the more determined to continue losing this weight. A LOT lighter and a LOT healthier.

Way to go ME!!!!! woot!

Weather: Hot, Hot, Hot

Mood: elated!

Sleep: 5hrs did not sleep well. It will take time to adjust to my bed again after being gone for 3 months

Physical: GREAT! I’ve been keeping very active and am feeling so much better for it!

Activities: Eliptical – 1hrs = 773cals burned

Total Calories Allowed: 1677cal

Total Calories Consumed: 1817cal

The Countdown Is On!

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A Working Girl

So, I’ve got 8 days left before I leave for the North for 5-6 months. I’ve had a LOT to do in the last couple of months to prepare for the trip and things to be finalized here at home so no one starves to death while I’m gone.

I’ve been to my family doctor, gotten any prescriptions ordered for the 6 month duration and my health checked. The doctor diagnosed me with high blood pressure and wants to put me on medications but I know what I must do in order to get rid of the high BP. Lose weight…. simple as that. So the doctor gave me 6 months (the time I’ll be gone) to lose 60 pounds or he’s going to put me on meds. I reluctantly conceded to his direction – for now; and have determined myself to stick to a plan. Haven’t figured out what that plan is yet, but will do my best to drop 10 pounds a month until I come back a lighter and healthier human. And since I was at the doctors on Monday May 6th I was 260 pounds (yes, I gained a LOT of weight recently!!!) because I had stopped watching what I was eating for a change and since then, I’ve lost 12 pounds (yes, in 4 days!!) I have gone back to tracking everything I eat….

I do not put much excitement into this weightloss since it’s not unusual for me to gain / lose 10-15 pounds in a week depending on how my thyroid levels are at any given time. The real test of weightloss is whether that weight STAYS off for any length of time.

So until sometime in October, I bid you all a farewell and best wishes for the seasons ahead. I will not be back online until after I get back and settled back into my daily routine.

Blessings to all,

My First Day

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We all know how hard it is to lose weight. We struggle with it every day for the bulk of our lives. From the time we are reminded at the dinner table to clean our plates to the last moment when we are encouraged to “try to eat a little something” before we are wheeled into our nursing home beds at the end of a very long and lonely day.

I wasn’t always fat, but I have always struggled with my weight and how I viewed myself. Now I find myself at the young age of 44 overweight and in poor health. I struggle daily with fibromyalgia, swelling, low self-esteem and on the edge of depression which add to my never-ending battle with the bulge. Unable to exercise or walk any distance at all, I am forced to look online for help. I search the infite web for clues that will unlock this pandora’s box I have found myself in. A diet that would help me lose weight and literally get me back on my feet once again.

So here I am. Day 1 and looking for answers. I stumbled upon 3fatchicks on a diet and figure I’ll at least start there and go from here. I used to journal daily before I found myself at the bottom of a bowl of cereal gasping for breath because I just ate way too much. I felt guilty and stopped exploring my soul for the reasons for my inability to stop eating to bury my emotions.

So if you are reading this and find a little bit of yourself in my struggle, I ask that you be kind in your judgements and gentle in your comments. I too, will do the same.

Today, I decided to stop eating after 6pm. Just water until morning. Wish me luck!