Yucky Stuff

skinnyk10 on Aug 9th 2010 12:51 pm

“I’m Yucky Man!” my 5yr old son yelled as we played in the hotel swimming pool Saturday night. “Everything I touch turns yucky!”

Well, today I feel yucky. As far as Chalean Extreme is concerned, I have stuck with my workouts and all is well there. But the eating is rough, as it always has been. And I know deep down that I’m truly afraid that without food to numb and comfort and escape, that life will be intolerable. That I won’t be able to manage my anxiety, worry, jealousy, self-doubt and fear. I live with a lot of fear. Not for my physical safety, but for my emotional safety. And it’s not due to anything that is in my present environment. It’s the past peaking through, begging to be acknowledged -sitting there all the time.

I don’t know how to manage it, or how to feel it. Instead I flatten it – every uncomfortable feeling gets flattened with food. I tried to talk with my mother about it, the things I’ve read and am learning about compulsive eating. She literally scoffed when I told her I was a compulsive eater. She is at least 100lbs overweight – I am 50lbs overweight and have been off and on since I was 13. It’s not how much you weigh, anorexic people are compulsive eaters as well – it’s in the way you use food to live in the world.

My mother (and sisters) and I don’t know how to live in a world without food – or in a world where our weight isn’t our number one problem. Because when that’s out of the way, when I don’t have this thing to think about, plan around, worry about and define me – what’s left? For my mother it’s feelings and memories she considers life-threatening. For me it’s fear – if there are no excuses, if I truly stay with myself, what if I’m just – ordinary? What if I’m not lovable? What if there is no magical world waiting for me “when I lose the weight?” What if it’s just the exact same world I’m in now, only I don’t have food to help me cope with it?

I think that I just play at this – at weight loss – at lifestyle change – because it is something to do. It is a place to put my worries and insecurities. It is a place to hide and a problem to hide behind. Do I really want to be fit? Yes. Do I really want to live a fit lifestyle – where you eat to live and food is just not that big a deal? No. It sounds boring. It sounds scary and lonely and unfamiliar.

Sorry. I said at the outset that this was yucky stuff. I see it for what it is and that is a first step. Moving through it will be the next step (or the next ten thousand steps). I feel like I am on tightrope without a net.

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Home Sweet Home: Day 23 ~ 67 Days to Go.

skinnyk10 on Aug 3rd 2010 04:44 am

I’m back from a visit to my parents’ home. Four nights and eleven meals: one wedding, two restaurants, and lots of desserts.

I was very conscientous Thursday. Great on Friday. Relaxed on Saturday. Indulgent on Sunday. And Monday, when I was traveling home, I binged.

Now it’s Tuesday. I thought again about why I would purposely eat more than I need. I was very tired from the time zone changes and trying to fit in all the family visits in addition to taking care of my friend and helping with her wedding. Of all my eating “triggers” – exhaustion may be the hardest for me to combat. And my very fit SIL who was also staying with my parents, was having a “day off” on Sat and eating lots of sweets and I jumped right on board with her.  I see the dangerous progression above as I slipped back into old habits and familiar patterns. It’s a good thing this was a short visit. So what did I get out of yesterday’s binge?

A stomach ache. Heartburn. Difficulty sleeping. That icky sugar hangover.

What I don’t have – is overwhelming guilt. It was really a foolish decision. Deliberately turning off my brain and checking out, while stuffing down food I didn’t really even taste? What a waste of energy. I didn’t enjoy the consequences at all. Just a reminder to myself that it is never as fun as it sounds. AND, I’m back taking good care of myself today. No need to give up and start over. Just keep moving in the right direction.

I can tell that the shape of my body is changing, if not the size. I see some muscle definition in my arms and legs and abs that wasn’t there before. And I haven’t missed a workout yet.

My eating isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s downright terrible. But I think the way I feel about it is changing bit by bit and hopefully that’s the thing that matters.

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Big Challenges Ahead

skinnyk10 on Jul 27th 2010 01:20 pm

My oldest and dearest friend, a woman I have known since I was five years old, is getting married this Friday. And thanks to the support of my DH and some good friends who will watch my three boys while I am gone, I am flying home to be there for her big day.

That’s the good news.

The challenge is this. I will be staying in the home I grew up in, with my parents, for 4 nights and 11 meals. This is the place that I learned to eat. The place where food is both a form of acceptance and denial. This is where I remember watching the casserole on the table  because if I didn’t hurry and get my second helping, maybe someone else would take it and it would be gone. This is the home where every family gathering is an eat-off, where the motto “anything worth doing is worth overdoing” plays out in full force. This is the place where our pain is palpable as I watch my parents circling each other in a careful dance they’ve done for 40yrs where none of the important stuff is ever said out loud. My Dad pretends it’s fine, and my Mother seethes inside and eats her way into oblivion because that’s the only way she knows how to withstand the sheer weight of her childhood of abuse and her adulthood of self-loathing.

I can gain 6lbs in a week at home. I’ve done it before. It’s part of the status quo. The big family dinners, the night out with my sister, the favorite restaurants and familiar, comfortable treats. We love each other and we’ve stuck it out. But we’re all hurting in our quiet ways and that’s the stuff we never talk about -have never talked about.

Doing workouts away from home will be tricky, but I’ve got exercise bands I can pack and use instead of free weights and the DVDs are definitely portable. The hardest part, without a doubt, will be the food. I know so much about health and nutrition (most of us career dieters do) and you can’t imagine how desperately I want to ‘fix’ everyone. But the truth is I am the only person I can fix. And I am the only one responsible for what goes in my body. I am the adult in my life now – every choice I make can be about self-respect and love, not going along with what makes everyone else feel comfortable. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this yet. I don’t exactly have a plan. But the key word for this 90 day transformation is commitment. And I will find a way to make this work at home and away from home. For the rest of my life.

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Day 15 – 75 Days to Go!

skinnyk10 on Jul 26th 2010 03:50 am

The honeymoon is over.

The first two weeks of a new diet plan, a new goal, are always exciting. Everything has a sense of novelty and I feel oh-so-proud of myself for the positive changes I’m making. And then – week 3 hits and reality settles in. I have to do this again. Every Day for the rest of my life. Hence the term ‘lifestyle’ – ouch. This is often the point where I fall off the wagon, because, I rationalize, for as hard as I’m working, the changes aren’t happening fast enough – so what’s the point?

Which is why COMMITMENT is my main goal for this 90 day project – not weight loss.  I’ve got to stick with it! I promised myself a full hr massage as a reward for completing the first 30 days. So it’s time to put on the work out clothes, get out the weights – and go for it. Monday morning, here I come!

Updated weight and measurements coming in two more weeks!

Wishing every one a healthy and productive Monday!


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Day 9 – 81 days to go!

skinnyk10 on Jul 20th 2010 05:24 am

My first week on the Chalean Extreme 90 Day total transformation is over.  What a week! The workouts are tough, no question – still I wonder if I’m really pushing myself hard enough. Tuesdays are rest days and I need it. I am tired! I have found it fairly easy to stick to my 1300 calorie eating plan and have tried several of the recipes in Chalene’s Fat Burning Food Guide. The food is delicious and fresh and I am not missing any of the processed junk I was eating before.  I feel, in one week, 100% better than  I did in the midst of  my binge.

I also finally figured out something crucial to my health. I have an intolerance for wheat. Not an allergy exactly, – nothing life threatening happens when I have it, but enough of a reaction that I get stomach aches, swelling in my joints and chronic rhinitis (swollen nasal passages and post nasal drip). All symptoms of wheat intolerance.

I have always loved whole wheat and whole grain things. 2 yrs ago I went to see an allergist because of the rhinitis and did all the tests and he said I wasn’t allergic to anything. Then I went to see a dr a year ago and he said I definitely was allergic to something, but I didn’t really need to figure out what – just take some antihistamines and live with it. I’d also seen a dr for the aches in my hands and was tested for arthritis and told I didn’t have it.

But after eating nothing but refined junk for the last few months, I had a whole grain english muffin – and bam, the next day all of those symptoms at once – full force. And I finally made the connection.

Apparently our bodies can handle wheat intolerance a little better when we’re eating a lot of it. But once we take it out of our diets it can be very difficult to reintroduce it without more severe symptoms. I’m guessing that my many attempts at extreme low carb dieting, going without any grains for certain periods of time, have now made it more difficult to handle them, or at least revealed a problem that I have always had. I can tolerate refined white flour a little  better than whole wheat as far as my stomach is concerned, but refined flour still causes the rhinitis – it’s like a year round cold! And of course, refined foods bring their own set of problems with blood sugar spikes, etc. So this definitely changes things!

Back to Chalean Extreme – Here are the positive changes I have seen in the first week:

  • My skin looks much brighter and healthier – no more saggy “sugar face.”
  • I have much more energy – no afternoon blood sugar slumps.
  • I feel in control of my food and my eating and I am truly enjoying what I eat.

So that’s definitely a victory!

Hope everyone else is having great success this week!

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Day 1 – A New Goal

skinnyk10 on Jul 12th 2010 03:52 am

It’s time to begin!

I took the fit test yesterday, took my measurements and even let my husband take the before photos. Ick! I’ve been to the grocery store, planned out some menus, and listened to Chalean’s motivational CD. I’ve got no excuses left. It’s time to get started.

And I’m glad. When I know ” a diet” is coming, I try to eat every yummy thing I can and the last two weeks have been a disgusting binge. I don’t feel good, I know I’ve hurt my body. There’s no excuse for it, and it isn’t ever as fun as it sounds. My clothes are too tight and I feel sluggish and grumpy. I’m ready for a change. But I’m going to do something really different this time.

My goals will have NOTHING to do with weight.

What I need to learn, must learn – is consistency and commitment. I need to make a lifestyle BEHAVIORAL change. So that is what I am going to focus on. If I stick to this program for 90 days, I will have achieved my first goal. Becoming consistent at a healthy, nurturing lifestyle for the rest of my life is the end result I am working for.

Because of that I am only going to weigh on a monthly basis. After probably 6 failed weight loss attempts in the last two years I have learned that the scale is not my friend. Weight loss happens very slowly for me and when I don’t see the numbers change, I give up on the behaviors. And the behaviors are GOOD. Eating well is good and exercising is good for a million other reasons besides weight loss. I am going to commit and finish what I’ve started.

So, here are the hard facts. This the body that I am taking on this journey.

Height 5′ 6″

Weight:183 lbs.

Waist 39″

Hips 44″

Abductors 42″

Chest 41 1/2″

Right arm 13″

Left arm 13″

Right Thigh 23″

Left Thigh 23″

Body Fat Percentage 36.5

The number I am most interested in is the Body Fat Percentage. 36.5 puts me at the high end of OVERFAT as it says on the chart – I assume the next category would be obese. I know my BMI is right on the borderline of overweight and obese. Seeing an improvement in this number would indicate to me that I am improving my health. Even if my weight stays the same and I trade some muscle for some fat (and I’m hoping to put on lots of muscle) – the Body Fat Percentage will give me a good idea of my true level of fitness. Again, though I am only going to take this measurement every 30 days.

I am changing. I am going to feel better. I am strong. This is the beginning of Day 1 and I’ve got a workout waiting for me.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

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Kickoff in 5 days!

skinnyk10 on Jul 8th 2010 04:16 am

I’m almost ready to officially start the Chalean Extreme 90day makeover. What is taking so long you ask? It’s my perfectionist brain in action. I want to start on a Monday so the rest days will fall on Tuesday and Sunday like they’re “supposed” to. And I didn’t want to be interrupted by vacation travel. So, the vacation is over and in the next few days my goal is to get familiar with the program and get a shopping list together for the groceries. Monday July 12th is the big day – the official kickoff. I’m going to be good and force myself to take a before picture (ugh) and take my measurements and body fat. I have such a fear of these pictures existing anywhere in the world as if someone will snatch them and post them all over the internet. And yet I LOVE looking at before and after pictures of other people. I find it truly inspiring – but I still don’t think I’d have the courage to post a before picture – even if the after is amazing.

I’m previewing the exercise videos this week as well.  I don’t want to waste any time once I have officially begun being confused about what it is I’m supposed to do. My first attempt at a Chalean cardio workout was INTENSE! I think I laid on the floor for twenty minutes after I was done. It’s interesting to me that after years of avoiding anything high impact there is a lot of jumping in these workouts and man do I feel it!

I watched Chalene’s kitchen makeover and though most of it was stuff I already knew, she did make one simple and powerful point – put the healthy food where you can see it and get it easily when you open the fridge. How simple is that? And yet, all my produce goes in those handy produce drawers at the bottom of the fridge where I can’t see it. I often forget that it’s there until it starts to spoil and I end up throwing it out.  How much more likely will I be to reach for the veggies if they are all cut up and in a nice dish at eye level the minute I open the door? A lot I think.  I hope it will make it easier for my three children to get their own healthy snacks as well.

Does anyone have additional advice on “getting ready” for an intense plan like this one and a lifestyle change in general? I’m nervous, but as I come slowly out of the vacation carb hangover, I can’t wait to get started and start feeling better!

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Gearing Up!

skinnyk10 on Jun 28th 2010 04:01 am

ChaLean Extreme came in the mail on Saturday. A 90 day program of muscle building, cardio and diet. Yes, it’s one of MANY programs that I’ve tried and not stuck with. So why am I trying this? I’ve got two big events coming in October – I’m going to turn 35 and my hubby and I will be officially ready to try for another baby. I have three boys, ages 7, 5, and 2 and yes, I do want more! Pregnancy is tough for me. Not hospitalization tough or anything, but definitely on the miserable, all day sickness for 40 straight weeks kind of tough. I always gain a lot of weight – close to 50lbs – and with the first two, I was able to lose it afterwards. Not this time. I’ve still got 20 hanging on 2 years later. It seems that all the extreme low calorie dieting and resultant muscle loss has dramatically slowed my metabolism. And things that worked before just don’t work any more.

Enter, Chalean Extreme! The thing I like the most about this program is her motto MUSCLE BURNS FAT! This is exactly what I need – to put on as much muscle as I can to have a stronger body and a healthier metabolism for life in general and pregnancy in particular. I feel like I am going into training for  a 9 month marathon. I like lifting weights, and I like exercising. What I don’t like is sticking to a diet. I really love food and have all the needy emotional hangups most overweight people have. That is going to be the hardest part. Honestly, I don’t trust myself to stick with it. So my plan is to pray A LOT and blog a lot. Even if no one reads this, I’m going to treat it as though I am doing an official product review and have to follow the plan to the letter so I can testify one way or the other if it really works.

To kick things off, I’m going to take this week to study the material, do the introductory DVDs on proper form, make a grocery list – take before pictures (ugh) etc to be ready to get off to a great, no excuses start.

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