Reality. I’m fat.

13 Oct, 2015

I’m back, bitches.

Posted by: shellydeflores In: Starting Over: Take 251

Today was a rather eye opening day. Not because I learned something new about myself or the world or even about the purpose I serve in it but because I decided to start my journal again. As I sit here and look through my posts from nearly 4 years ago, I see how much, or shall I say, so little has actually changed. I’m 27 years old, single, still smoking, and still over 200 lbs. Lets do a quick synopsis of what has happened in 4 years….

Lowest weight: 234

Current weight: 252

I don’t remember when I hit 234 but I remember not ever hitting it again and, in fact, gaining almost 30 of it back. I sit currently at 252. I binged yesterday on Mexican food and I have not felt right since. I have has such little of an appetite that I was convinced I had lost 10 lbs overnight…and then I got Mexican food. My weakness. So I will never know if my 3 days at work, running my ass off around the ward and eating very little, every did have a pay off. When I did weight the next day, I was the same weight that I had been 3 days before so I suppose that counts for something.

On a side note: when the whole David and I thing took a shit…see Love Life section below….I couldn’t eat or drink anything for several days. I hit a new low of 244 in a matter of 5 days…which was about a 7 lb weight loss at the time.

School:

I finished my bachelors in health administration, left my job at the university to complete my bachelor of science in nursing and now I am working as an RN at the VA in Phoenix. I’m done for now. I’d like to go back eventually but I am closing in on 30 years of age here. Time to start focusing on the personal me, not the professional me.

Social life:

My best friend Christina has horrible anxiety issues and her weight has plummeted to less than 110 lbs. I can’t do anything for her and it breaks my heart every time I see or talk to her.

My best friend Kayla is now married. I was her maid of honor at her wedding which was November 23, 2013. I wore a beautiful purple dress that totally did not fit me well. I’ll have to edit this post later and add the pictures in. Yikes. Just yikes.

My good friend, and dieting partner, Bre is now in a very happy and loving relationship with a very overweight man. She has gained every pound back. Every. Single. Pound.

My friend Melissa has gained weight and now struggles in trying to lose it. She was in a serious relationship about a year ago and was actually talking about marriage. They broke up and he’s a totally douche nozzle. I see her more than I see my bestfriends…and probably even my dog.

I had to put Mitzi down February 2014. One of the hardest cries I’ve had in a long time. I think of her often and even now it makes me tear up. It’s just me and Poncho now.

Love Life:

I’m over my obsession with Bill….was over that a long time ago. I am no longer in contact with my old roommates Mandy and Kendra-both of whom are married now. I reconnected with my old high school friend David and we had a period of almost 2 years of “are we dating or are we NOT dating.” We had “the talk” ¬†and we both confessed we had feelings for each other but it was decided, non-mutually, that he was not the right guy for me and then continued to lead me on for another year. I last saw him in March where he continuously texted some girl all night and brushed it off with, “it’s my sister’s friend bugging me about a party this weekend.” Well, his sister’s friend then became a Facebook official girlfriend less than a week later. I then made the very dramatic, but needed, decision to cut off my friendship with him. I still am dealing with this and the uncertainty it has caused but I know it is most likely the better decision. After all, we aren’t meant to be together. Also, I must remind myself of why….he smoked, drank, never took care of himself, played video games all day, smoked weed, and had the “occasional” line of coke. I suspect that last one was more often than he cared to admit. He’s right. He’s not the one for me. I’m just sad and having a rough time dealing with it.

Edit: After David, like immediately after, a new guy came across my phone screen on the POF dating app. He was gorgeous, sexy, and totally into my fatness. He brought me out of the David funk and we talked for awhile but then he started to freak me out a bit. He’s from Kuwait which isn’t the scary part but he was telling me he loved me within a couple weeks. He’s only in the country for a short time taking care of his mother who is ill. We never did meet but I slowly started to back away from him. Very clingy. He keeps in contact now and again and I think maybe one day I could meet him and at least have a little fun but I don’t think that is the healthiest choice for me and my self-esteem right now. I’m just not that girl–please keep that in mind during the next couple paragraphs. I really am NOT that girl.

Oh and here’s a fun one to admit–I got chlamydia from a one sight stand in March of 2013 just before I started nursing school. My ex-OBGYN had me convinced that it was endometriosis and my life as I knew it was probably over. Well it wasn’t. It was just that pesky ol’ #1 STD chlamydia. I also probably gave it to another one night stand that occurred April 2013. That phone call was gut wrenching, embarrassing, and needless to say, shameful. That was the last time I have slept with anyone, as sad as that is to admit. It has been almost 2 and a half years since I have had the intimacy of a naked man in my bed. Not so much as a kiss since then too. Oh boy. It’s more depressing when you have to confess it out loud.

I have had the occasional interest come my way but they fizzle out as quickly as they came. Currently, there is a guy at work that I met in my orientation to the hospital who I have begun my pursuit of by way of texting. He offered his number to me first although I made the initial steps to trying to turn this into something. So far-nothing. I even think I am just freaking him out at this point by texting him although he doesn’t really show it.

Health:

I am still smoking. Probably now more than I did 4 years ago—and I’m a freaking RN. What an example to set, huh? I begun seeing a new OBGYN and now that I have good benefits-federal benefits-I am going to stick to following up on my health and pulling up my big girl panties. It’s time to get everything else in my life together. I got the education and career started, now lets get this girl healthy, happy, and in love.

I have been taking birth control for the last year to maintain having a period. My school insurance expired just as I started my new job so I went a month without it. I had a new Rx written to start it back up with my new OB but I decided to wait to see if I could get it on my own–nope. I am also back on Metformin and was started on Spironolactone today.

Ortho Tri-cylcen

Metformin 1000 mg BID

Spironolactone 50mg BID

My OBGYN also suffered PCOS and while she is still overweight she said with the help of these medications she was able to lose over 100 lbs. Clearly, she has gained some of it back from what I can tell but she really believes this will help me. I even broke down and confessed to her that I was seriously considering phentermine. She said to try this first and we will consider that an option down the road.

Diet:

I am struggling with diet again. I can do the low calorie but as my OB has informed me, even with PCOS a low calorie diet isn’t going to do much good if your body can’t get the insulin to the cells. Makes sense. I have attempted to get back on the South Beach but I just can’t get past eggs and since I have been back on Metformin, I do not have the appetite to give a shit about cooking, or preparing carb-less or low carb meals. Nothing sounds good to me.

Overall thoughts as I sum up this post–I still think I could be a total babe once I lose the weight but more importantly I believe I can be happy. Unfortunately, I still can’t shake the thought that I won’t be happy until I’m healthy. As sad and materialist as it sounds, I want to be thinner, prettier, and more desirable. Online dating isn’t cutting it and having a pretty face just isn’t enough to overlook a big body. The facts are the facts. I could go out and find a guy now but I know the quality and attraction just won’t be there. I’ve tried lowering my standards and look where it got me (i.e. see summary of love life above). :/

I have a much more active career where I am not sitting on my ass for 8 hours a day, and in face I am up walking around for 12+ hours a day. I don’t have much of an appetite at work but we’ll see if that lasts. If history is any indicator, I will have my appetite back soon and the feeling of an impending binge will be upon me. I will fight it, of course.

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  • Saathi: Sure im writing lil bit too late....actually, u may be fine by now, but still i wanted to say something about the things u'd written here. First of al
  • shellydeflores: Oh and weight has hit a new low. 252.6. Although today is Thanksgiving so we'll see how long that laster.
  • shellydeflores: Oh and FYI-i'm on my period so I am not daring to weigh. EFFF that. I don't need the heart ache right now.