Reality. I’m fat.

24 Oct, 2010


Posted by: shellydeflores In: Uncategorized

So I am currently in the middle of my mother’s visit. She is with some old highschool friends from the reunion right now having breakfast. I feel like I am letting my weight slip out from underneath me for this mini staycation. I went out to dinner with a friend last night pretty late and the only place open was, of course, Olive Garden. My weakness. I said screw it and went. Ate half my plate, 2 breadsticks and a large bowl of salad. Not too bad but I did leave feeling disgusting. I guess my goal right now is to stay under 260 this entire vacation. I was up to 259 the other day when I weighed. Ughhhh! 

A nice surprise though. My mom had put together these little thumb drives jam packed with pictures of my family all the way back to the 1800’s. Well the pictures of the last time I saw myself were in one of the albums. I had completely forgotten that I saw her at my previous weight-287!. I completely forgot!!!  My mom hadn’t commented on my weight or so much as looked at it until that picture popped up on my laptop screen of my brother and I in Florida when my hair was still black and my gut was hanging over my pants. I think I was wearing too small of pants then anyway but she had said that I actually looked smaller now then I did then. Then she said something that I really needed to hear. ” As long as you are healthy and happy, thats all I care about.”  Oh God, I really needed to hear that.

Anyway, I am too scared to weigh myself after last night’s dinner. I should just to get a good look at everything and put myself in perspective. I need to keep going. Seeing my mom has really helped me just keep on track. I’m not as stressed anymore so it makes me want to keep on goal that much more. I want to be able to go see her after my graduation in May and surprise her for Mother’s day–and be thin!!!  Oh God I just can’t wait. I want to go out there and see her smile spread from ear to ear. Plus I’d like to shove it in her husbands face that I can be thin!

I have decided to quit smoking. My mother absolutely despises it and it kills me that something that I know would break her heart is being hidden from her. I don’t want to see myself deteriorate like her mother who died from lung cancer. I just can’t do that to myself. I’m already getting my body back into shape, it doesn’t make sense that I poison myself along the way too. I use to say that I would concentrate on losing over 100 lbs first and then concentrate on quitting….but I can’t. I really can’t. I feel like I’m lying to my mother and I just can’t do it anymore. This is my attempt. I am going to be one grumpy bitch for the next few weeks!!

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October 2010
« Sep   Nov »

  • Saathi: Sure im writing lil bit too late....actually, u may be fine by now, but still i wanted to say something about the things u'd written here. First of al
  • shellydeflores: Oh and weight has hit a new low. 252.6. Although today is Thanksgiving so we'll see how long that laster.
  • shellydeflores: Oh and FYI-i'm on my period so I am not daring to weigh. EFFF that. I don't need the heart ache right now.