Ugh! Disappointed.

I know better than to have expectations on weigh in day. Yet, it never fails…no matter how hard I work on food intake and exercise, I still have an excitement leading up to my weigh in just to be left so disappointed by a God Damned number. I hate that I give it the power to change my mood, determine the way the rest of my day goes, and makes me feel poorly about being a fat ass. I’m just poopy because I ended my week with 20 extra weekly allowance points and 30 unused earned activity points. Walking in there with 50 EXTRA and UNUSED points undoubtedly leaves me with expectations. Technically, according to my tracking points program, I could have eaten 16 Dark Chocolate Raspberry Ice Cream bars. BUT, I didn’t and no I didn’t gain, but I stayed the exact same, to the ounce. Ugh! A week of hard work for nothing…so annoying. I have too much to lose to have nothing weeks.

I know I will wake in the morning, renewed, and recharged to take on this battle for yet another week. As for now, I’m living in the moment and not enjoying it so much. And I’m going to try not to be determined to lose two weeks worth of weight next week. With this experience, I should be happy with any lose. Maybe this week I will have the equivalant of 16 ice cream bars. I’m certainly not to have any tonight. After my meeting, I came home to cook dinner and I obviously ate more than I had intended. Emotional eating is a constant…twice as hard when I’m disappointed about a lack of loss.

 

Points Plus Galore!

I went for a long (170 mins) hike today, and earned myself 26 activity points. Now the benefit is I can have a glass of wine without regret, and I can store those earned points away and look forward to a few more ounces off at weigh in.

Today’s Food Intake

Morning:

2 cups of coffee with creamer – 6pts

Banana – 0pts

Banana Blueberry Bread – 6pts

Lunch:

Sandwich Wrap – 9pts

Pudding – 2pts

Pear – 0 pts

Snack:

3 point WW bar – 3pts

Evening:

Pork Chop in Cream Mushroom w/extra mushrooms – 10pts

2/3 cup brown rice – 4pts

Green salad with carrots, cheese, and mushrooms (2 tbsp lite ceaser) – 4pts

12 ounces sangria – 11pts

I will probably also have a night snack of 3 points, so I will have used my entire 52 daily pts and 6 of my weekly allowance. If you want a healthy ice cream, you’ve got to try the WW Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake bars. Devine! Delish! Must have.  

Down 2.6 lbs!

Yay! After another week of food intake discpline and easy to moderate exercise, I am down on the scale. Thank God, because I was just telling hubby last night that eating healthy means I feel hunger pangs at night. I tell myself that it means I’m finally not eating more than my body requires and it indicates loss. I love loss in this world. I am in the 320’s now and staying on track to my Cancun weight goal.

Here’s todays food intake:

Morning-

2 mugs coffee with 3 tablespoons cream each – 6pts

greek yogurt – 3pts

Midday-

Green salad with 1/4 red bell pepper and 2 mushrooms with 2 tablespoons of lite ceaser – 2pts

2 cups Black Bean Pumpkin Bake – 14 pts

apple – 0pts

Weight watcher 3 point bar – 3pts

Evening-

1 cup couscous – 8pts

2 1/2 cups Tex Mex Chicken with Zucchini – 10pts

40 mins Walking the dogs – 4 activity pts

I still have 6 points left for the day, which I will use with two WW ice cream bars – 6pts

Very healthy intake. And worked-out. Feels great!      

Long time, no 3fatchicks…

Summing up almost two years’ worth of my life in my absence will be a challenge. So much has changed from the days when I was running half marathons and working for the bureaucracy. I am still actively battling the food addiction and working to manage my weight in a healthy way.

Since my last post, in June-ish 2010, I resigned from my Child Abuse Hotline Screening job with the State of Oregon, sold my house in Portland, moved to a rural city with a population of 450, bought a motel, and had a second grandson. Any one of these events would have been a major life transition, but hey why not go for bust, right?

At my last WW weigh-in, last Wednesday, I was 331 lbs. I have gained a few extra pounds since finishing that physical goal (half-marathon), but it’s a daily struggle to eat right, exercise and treat myself well. After my resignation, I went off WW for about 6 months, mainly because I was so new to the area that I didn’t know a community meeting existed. I was invited to attend by my neighbor and was elated to learn that my insurance would cover the cost to stay enrolled throughout the entire year as long as I maintained nearly perfect attendance.

I have been using my iPhone WW app to track points and I fully recommend it. For goodness sake, in the rare case I forget to eat or track, it gives me four reminders every day. There is no pretending I’m not on plan when my phone is asking me to remain accountable.

Having moved to a small town is nice in so many ways. The foremost reason is I no longer have the rat race lifestyle that the city traps one in to. I have no hour long commute each way, I have no dress code other than those demands I place on myself, and I have no supervisor to demean me for having high ethics and a super conscientious work values. These traits work well for as a business owner, and I am the primary beneficiary of my “work horse” behaviors. Consequently, this means I am constantly setting boundaries and making sure there is a balance in caring for myself and my business.

Speaking of my business, owning and operating a motel can be a real handful. It’s often a 24/7 job and makes one feel slightly like a prisoner of the location. Again, the balance and boundaries are important to maintain sanity and resist burnout.  I am not complaining though because there is a lot of pleasure in presenting your pride and joy to the public and offering quality lodging to folks coming to our touristy area.

My current goal for the next 11 weeks is to take off 22 lbs before we travel to Cancun for a best friend’s wedding. That will get me closer to my 300 pound milestone, and back in to my 200’s. When I was last in the 200’s at 290, I swore I would never go back. I make no excuses for backtracking. I did not keep up with the plan, plain and simple; I went back to my old ways. If I do not make an attempt to refrain from those ways then I go back to being 400 lbs.  I am looking forward to the challenge. For some reason, I find I perform better when I am working towards something.        

Wow, it’s hard to believe it’s been a month since I last posted.

I wish I could report that I’ve done a lot of amazing things and had an amazing weight loss, but that’s not my reality.

What I can say is that I am currently on track, managed to deal with the hand dealt to me, and stayed committed to my half-marathon goal.

In my last post I explained that I had been supporting my husband and family through the anticipated loss of my MIL. She finally passed away on May 20th. It was very difficult to care about eating right and training while mourning her loss and supporting others. My weight fluctuation over the last month totally reflects this loss of control or lack of motivation. We are called survivors for a reason, and being in that state, means you do just that whatever it takes to survive. For two weeks, my weight went up 2 to 3 pounds per week, which was directly related to the eating for comfort, drinking wine to numb, and missing work-outs.

Pre-death: 05/13 – 290.6
Day of death: 05/20 – 293.4
Week after: 05/27 – 295.6
Two weeks after: 06/03 – no meeting
Three weeks after: 06/10 – 293.2

I am fully back on track, following all my routines and healthy eating, so I anticipate being back to my pre-death loss. I am noting these truths because I have to learn from patterns and make adjustments as needed. I have already forgiven myself for slacking and eating for comfort. I just need to make sure I understand fully and move forward.

That said, I am proud to admit that I accomplished my half-marathon on Saturday, June 12th. Despite falling off track with my running goals for a couple weeks, I was still able to get in my weekday maintenance runs and stayed “cardiovascularly in shape.” I finished in 3 hours and 17 mins, averaging a 15 minute mile, and actually ran 8 of the 13.1 miles. I never set my goal to run the entire event, but weeks prior I was capable of staying with the 6 mile mark, which feels beyond remarkable to me. I have learned that 10k (6.2 miles) is the perfect length for me.

Now that I have completed the half-marathon, I wonder when I will discover my next goal. And as many have questioned, no, I do not intend to do a full marathon. In fact, I do not intend to do another half-marathon. 13 miles is a long distance and too long to define as enjoyable. I can honestly say I enjoyed my experience, the actual event as well as the 6 months of training leading up to it, but now that accomplishment is complete and I can find something else that pushes my limits.

I never expected to amaze myself. I never expected to be crying as I crossed the finish line. I never expected so many overwhelming emotions.

An update for the last 2 weeks…

Just two days after my 10k, my husband, dogs and I drove to the California Bay Area to help with my dying mother-in-law. She’s been living at home and having hospice come by almost daily for about the last 9 months. A couple months ago, we visited and learned that her health is increasingly getting worse. My husband and I made it a point to bring the kids and grandbaby down for a goodbye visit.

As I’ve mentioned before, I know these emotional situations can be a trigger for poor eating and a full on binge. I learned last time that pre-cutting veggies and planning out meals is a life-saver for my routine. I had many successes, including resisting temptations at restaurants, and made some fairly healthy choices when it came time to announce my menu selection while dining out.

Four days after running a 10k and eating very “on-plan,” I weighed in at 295.0 (05/06/10), a whole freaking 2 lbs heavier. Why is it every time I weigh in after a huge physical accomplishment, I don’t lose or I gain! Notice that wasn’t a question, and that’s because I know the answer, which is… my body takes time to catch up to what I’ve put it thru. I would have expected a loss, but I knew better, so I didn’t let it get me down.

After a week of dealing with my own grief, helping my husband and kids thru their grief, living in a hotel room for a week with two dogs, barely managing to get my daily runs in while caring for myself and others, and eating out several times, I expected my weigh in to be horrific. Nope, not so! On May 13th, I weighed in at 290.6! Yeah, I threw my hands up in the air and declared that I give up trying to understand.

I left that WW meeting and spent the next 4 days at the Whitewater Festival, where I competed in the Oarboat Slalom event. It’s mainly a men’s competition, so I got an ass-whooping, but I didn’t compete to win. I had a good run, kept the boat upright, and enjoyed the hell out of the distraction.

We returned home to the reality yesterday, and the MIL has deteriorated much more since we left last week. My husband will probably take a plane back to the Bay Area tomorrow to get more services in place and take the load off of his sister. I will stay home, care for the dogs, and continue to go to work and retain my routines.

Two weeks of extreme ups and down, emotionally and weight-wise, I have no idea what my weigh in will bring this Thursday, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a touch of stability. Although, I must admit, being this close to the 280’s makes me very anxious to lose .7 lbs.

The race results are in…

I ate well yesterday, I got plenty hydrated (about 110 oz water), I went to bed at a decent time and gave my body a day of rest. I was woken by my body at 2am with an urgent urge to pee and then went back to bed. By 4am, I felt I had more than enough sleep and had to force myself to stay in bed to rest.

When the alarm sounded at 5:30, I was up to have my one and only cup of coffee. I also choked down a protein bar after my shower. What else was left to prepare for my race? If you are not a runner, this may seem crude and TMI, but what was left was to deal with my tummy and ridding all the waste before heading out to run 6.2 miles. When you run a long distance, and if you have any waste, you will be hassled by the need to go and no one wants to hunt down a porta-potty during a race. I spent the next hour making 3 trips back to the toilet.

By 7am, it was time to head into downtown Portland and find parking. I had already picked up my packet the day before, so I only needed to locate the starting line. I gave my body a good session of stretching while watching the half-marathoner’s leave. When the 10ker’s were called to the line, I was focused on the fact that I was the only big girl in sight and I felt very out of place. I wasn’t doubting my ability to finish, but I was questioning who I thought I was and why I was there (as in my head others were doing).

I already knew who I was and why I was there, but insecurities find there way into your mind when you least expect it. I had trained very hard for this event, including doubling my mileage in the last month, so why was I standing amongst hundreds of people and tearing up. My husband didn’t know what to think when he saw me wipe a couple tears from my cheek, and I didn’t either. I’m unclear if I ever will know.

But when that horn sounded, I took a very long, deep breathe, told myself internally that I could do this, and I went. I would normally place myself in the back of the pack because I run slower anyway, but this time I was squeezed into the middle front, so I stayed towards the side as people passed me in the first mile. I know the first mile is the toughest but seriously, did I need to pick a 10k that was mostly uphill for the whole first half.

Until I reached that 1 mile mark, my mind was silent and I had very little to think about other than I wanted to focus on my form and get through this first miserable mile. As I passed the 1, I felt a pep in my step and knew this was really happening. The next 2 miles was all uphill and heavily graded. I managed to run all but 2 blocks, when the hill turned onto Hamilton Street and literally climbed an incline I would do while hiking a mountain. I fully intended to run the hills, so when I reached this street I put my head down and thought shorter steps and slow down. I looked up after about 100 feet of this and saw everyone around me was walking up, so I gave myself the permission to join them.

Running the “Terwilliger” (well known long hill in Portland) was really intense. I never did question my ability to make it and I certainly never thought I would stop, so I kept focusing on my form and pace. I was elated to see the 3 mile mark, not because it was a half-way point, no because it was all downhill from there. Gliding downhill, with the wind hitting my face, was pretty amazing. I was allowing myself to relax and go with the flow so it didn’t feel like I was pounding my body for 3 miles. At 4 miles, I was beginning to feel my quads, and tried to keep ChiRunning in mind. The next mile escapes my mind, as if it didn’t even really happen, which is the beauty of a meditative state. My adrenaline was what got my sore quads through the last mile.

I find it quite amazing that our minds run our bodies and when we are not giving up on ourselves, we can push pretty hard without much consequence, providing the training effort is just as determined.

I smile when I reach the finish line. I smile because I finished. I smile because I can finally tell my legs to walk it off. And I smile because all those people looking at me know what I wish I had been able to portray while I was standing at the start line, “I am capable, I am proud, and I am not to be judged.” Again, I finished at my training pace of 13 minutes per mile, running the entire 6.2 miles in 1 hour and 23 minutes.

It’s less about the number and more about the trend…

Ordinarily, I would be counting down the minutes to my 10k on Sunday, because I would be very anxious, but I have been reading about ChiRunning, and I’m actually kind of excited to see how mindfulness can help my running. There are 5 principles, and one of them is “Gradual Progress,” which teaches building on the process and implementing one thing at a time. I started doing this practice of mindfulness this morning and surprisingly, the effort to focus does cause one to reach a meditative state and makes the time pass much more quickly than if you were allowing your mind to wander.  I have one shorter run tomorrow and I will be focusing on my center line. Then I have a rest day on Saturday before the big race. I will report back on the outcome.

 

My weight loss trend is downward, and that’s a great thing. I lost .4 lbs at weigh in today. I know that in the past I would been disappointed with such a small number, but I have learned that this process is not so much about the end result. I am the process and I am enjoying it so why would I be upset about a loss or having such a great week.

 

Last night, before heading off to bed, my husband paid me a great compliment. He said I was “slimming down,” and what you need to know about my husband is that he professes to love and adore me no matter what my size is, and he’s never been one to comment on my weight. Keep in mind I was 220 and at my hottest when we met and damn near 400 lbs only 16 short months ago. His commenting means that he wants me to know he’s noticing all my hard work, and that he is proud of me. He did not say this, but I know that when he sticks his neck out to make a comment about such an “off-limits” and sensitive topic, that he really means it and is also enjoying the trend.

Forest, Food, and Fun

I started a hiking group a little more than 4 years ago, and this past weekend was our annual backpacking trip. We hiked along Opal Creek in the Willamette National Forest. The hike is 10.5 miles of gorgeousness, a hell of a work out, and so worth the effort to pull it all off.

I haul a heavy pack, estimated at about 50 lbs and my older Chocolate lab packs his own food and bedding, so we were well prepared for rain all day Saturday. The weather man did not mentally prepare us for rain, so it took a bit of an adjustment to realize we’d spend the afternoon and evening without a fire and dodging the wettest part of the day. As I was packing that weight for the 5.25 miles to our camp spot, it was interesting to feel the extra effort it took me physically to accommodate for the weight. I was once carrying that weight around everywhere I went, and it’s no wonder I wanted to limit my physical exertion. Not only was I carrying that 50 around in my past, but I was carrying twice that weight just 16 months ago, and I honestly cannot imagine how I did anything.

A girlfriend of mine got a great picture of the two of us when we stopped for lunch. Once I hit 100 lbs, my coworkers have been complimenting me left and right and while that feels great, I have not had a real concept of what my body looked like until I saw this picture. Comparing this photo to my Jamaica pics (in my before pics section) is astonishing. I am 6 foot tall and I look so long and lean. I love it even if my boobs are disappearing.

One of my greatest fears is falling. Mostly when I tell people this, they assume it’s the heights; however, I do not dislike heights at all. It’s the actual falling from any distance that freaks me out. The thought of falling causes my heart to race and inhibits me from using ladders, climbing any sort of rope or device that takes my feet off the ground or seems slightly unstable. So when we approached this bridge I became very nervous. I did not want to throw in the towel, for goodness sake, I had made it 4 of the 5.25 miles and our camp spot was practically on the other side of this little challenge. My girlfriend, completely unafraid, hopped the barricade and started across the bridge. I watched for a few seconds and encouraged her to bounce on it a few times to check its stability, which she so kindly did without even considering her own fate. The “do not attempt to cross this bridge” signage was posted because during a winter storm one side of the railing was damaged. And there is quite a drop if you fell so it was prudent to close it off, but some days we don’t operate in the most prudent fashion, we push past fears and cross bridges we never thought we would. I crossed that damn bridge, twice in fact (there and back), and I will admit I repeated “oh my god” the whole way, but I made it and my fear did not paralyze me.

After reaching our camp spot, we had the most amazing view of a waterfall and pitched our tents right next to the river. We bonded in the wet and cold, we attempted to make fire, we huddled with our boiled water inside of our dehydrated dinner packages, we laughed, we played cards, and we savored our Snickers bars. Food is never better than carrying it on your back for hours and when it’s a result of only focusing on your most basic needs in the wilderness.

When we returned from the wilderness, we were dirty, sore and bruised. But boy did we have a freaking blast and we can’t wait to go again. On our drive home, we stopped at a local restaurant right off the highway near the turn off to enjoy burgers for lunch. I had an aptly named “heart attack” burger with tater tots. It’s such a delight to spend a night in the woods, with good friends, delicious food, and nothing but what you bring on your back.

I rocked it today!

My Friday workout goal was to run for 5.75 miles, but I noticed that running today was a little easier than last week’s 5 miles, and I felt that .25 to 6 miles was nothing, so as I was running, I decided to go to 6 miles. It’s constantly amazing to me that I can run for 78 minutes without stopping. It was only 4 months ago that I was running one minute intervals. My 10k is next weekend and it has a one very large hill in the 3rd mile, so even if I have to walk that portion, it won’t kill my ego because as of today, I basically ran a 10k all on my own. VERY SWEET!