Isn’t there a movie called Dazed and Confused?  That’s how I feel.  I can’t decide if I’m grieving, depressed, or just lazy.  I don’t want to do anything.  I get up and play mindless games on the computer for a couple of hours.  Then I go in and look at the guide on the TV to make sure I’ve set anything that might be remotely interesting to record.  I piddle around, take a shower and throw on some ratty clothes.  I might actually be productive for about an hour and then I get back on the computer for a while and kill time until the evening when I can start watching TV.

At some point, I’ll start to feel guilty because I haven’t fixed anything to eat for the kids and grandkids and I’ll go make some kind of crap and then start eating and watching TV until I fall into bed around 2:00 a.m.

Disgusting.  And I know it. But I don’t know how to stop it.  I sit on the computer playing mindless games and my thoughts wander to all the things I should do.  Get to work on the house, plan some decent meals, get some exercise, get out of the house and yet I don’t do anything.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Intellectually, I know that I’m depressed and I know I have a right to be.  I’ve lost my husband, my partner, my best friend.  My mother passed away, my brother is having heart problems, I’m burdened with taking care of four grandchildren, two dogs and a cat that I shouldn’t have to care for.  My income has been cut by a third since I lost Donnie and he left me with a bunch of bills. On top of everything else, I looking at some pretty extensive surgery in the next few weeks.

On the other hand, I know I need to do something about all this.  Find a good church, reach out to friends, get some counseling, start eating right and exercising.  But I don’t.  I just can’t seem to care enough to do anything but wallow in misery.  No one sees the big picture.  This is the only place I lay it out and no one reads this.  They all know I’m struggling.  They all see a little bit of the picture but I don’t share with them how miserable it is.

I wonder sometimes if I’m just playing Russian Roulette.  Sitting around doing nothing but chain smoking and eating garbage and sleeping.  I’ve made sure everyone will be taken care of if anything happens to me and I wonder if I’m just deliberately killing myself.  I just have the attitude of “whatever happens will happen” and I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything about it.

No one knows how often I go to my bedroom and just cry.  I always thought I was a brave and adventurous person but I’ve come to realize that I was only brave because Donnie had my back.  He was always there for me and I knew I could count on him to back me up and help me out.  I think about that song Wind Beneath My Wings and I understand it now.  I just never knew it until he was gone.

I’m just digging my grave and waiting to fall in.

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