I never know when I’m going to have a really bad day.  I always feel a sadness that seems to be an integral part of me now.  It’s always there, in the back of my mind.  I smile but I don’t laugh.  I sleep way too much.  I spend days and days just sitting around doing nothing.  And sometimes I just have days where I’m beyond help.

It’s gray and cold and rainy today.  I’ve sat at the computer all morning.  I’ve had two total meltdowns where I had to go to my bedroom and just cry.  I know Donnie wouldn’t want me to be like this.  He always admired my optimism and energy.  I wish I could get it back.

I know I need to get away from this computer and do something.  And I’m making a commitment to keep this post open and list all the positive things I’m done today.  That’s a promise, to myself.

1:30 – turned on the music and started cleaning out the refrigerator.

3:00 – the refrigerator is sparking and I’ve been trying for 30 minutes to get the damn thing back together. I’m getting really pissed!  How many effing combinations of drawers, racks and shelves can there be? I can’t believe that I can’t figure this out!

3:30 – David came home and figured out the refrigerator in about 30 seconds.  I feel stupid.  I decided to finish painting the trim in the kitchen.  Accidentally flipped the stir stick and slung paint all over the place. I feel like quitting but I will NOT give up. Why is everything so hard?

5:30 – I got all the trim in the kitchen painted and moved to the living room.  The front door needed to be painted and the trim around it so I went ahead and did it while I had the painting stuff out.  Think I’m going to put a second coat on my closet doors while I’m on a roll.  Music is still playing and I’m okay.

6:30 – Time to call it quits on painting.  I still have to clean up the mess: paint trays, rollers, and brushes, put furniture back, clean up all the drips and take a razor blade to the edges of the glass where I ran over a little.  After that, I have to take a bath and scrub all the paint off.  All that is going to take me at least an hour and I think I can quit.  I haven’t eaten anything all day but I feel pretty good about getting things accomplished.  It’s really been helpful for me to blog.

If I can get organized enough to eat something halfway healthy, I’ll feel pretty good about today.


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