It’s been so long since I’ve blogged.  I get so depressed and everything just hangs in limbo.

Donnie is in the hospital battling pneumonia.  His cancer came back last January and he remains in treatment.  Unfortunately, the chemo makes him so weak he’s susceptible to so much illness.  He began chemo again in February.  Took a few treatments but it seems like every time he goes in his white blood cell count is too low or his magnesium is too low or something gets in the way of his treatment so he only manages to get chemo about once every three weeks instead of weekly.

He developed pneumonia in April and has been hospitalized three times for it.  Just can’t seem to get over the hurdle.  His back is really hurting him and they say he has a bulging disc and spinal stenosis.  Surgery is the answer but he’s way too compromised to attempt anything right now.

He’s been in the hospital since last Friday and I miss him.

It just seems like one thing after another gets piled on him and he’s in a slow decline.  His doctors keep saying there are still lots of things we can try but it’s so painful to see him like this.  He’s nothing but skin and bones and I have to help him get dressed and hold on to him when he walks a few steps.  Heart breaking.

I’ve thought and said many times that I wish I was the one with cancer instead of him.  I’d do it for him if I could. I’ve always been a fighter and he’s always been passive.  I can’t help thinking that I’d put up a bigger fight and, even if the cancer got the best of me, I’d handle it better.  Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’d be too tired or too weak to fight it but I’d gladly take his place.  It’s so hard to watch this disease ravaging him.

I just do mindless things to keep from thinking about it.  The house is a mess and I just can’t seem to get motivated to do any heavy cleaning.  It seems so trivial and pointless. We have a hospital bed and an oxygen machine in the living room.  They are extra tanks so Donnie can use them when he leaves the house.  There’s a scooter in the hall and a shower chair in the bathroom.  A walker and a cane sit in the bedroom next to the potty chair.  A respiratory machine for breathing treatments takes up counter space in the kitchen along with too many pills and prescriptions to count.  Cleaning or bringing any kind of order to the chaos feels overwhelming.  My old refrigerator quit working and we replaced it with a bigger one.  The old one was recessed into the wall and the new one was bigger.  We cut out a larger space in the drywall and the refrigerator sits there, unfinished broken plaster enclosing it.  We need to redo the wall but I just don’t want to think about working with drywall and trim and plaster dust right now.  So I just stare at a hole in the wall.

I spend hours playing mindless games on facebook and watching TV.  It keeps me from thinking.  Keeps my mind numb.