Started to say “Still hanging in there…but not very well.”  I haven’t posted much lately because there’s not much to say.  Somehow, my life has gone from busy, busy, busy and upbeat to…….nothing.  One day just rolls into another and things don’t change very much.

Funny, in the last eleven months, I’ve had to face retirement, Mom’s fairly simple surgery, slow decline and death all within a six month period, DH’s open heart surgery and cancer, my brother’s heart failure and my son’s glaucoma attack which left him with permanent and severe eye damage.  Not exactly what I planned for retirement.

I need to find some structure in my life.  Each day has become a depressing, monotonous, boring routine.  I find it difficult to do anything.  Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I feel like my family has a black cloud hanging over us and I keep waiting for it to lift.

Many of my friends have told me to be patient.  Be strong.  God will not burden me with anything that I can’t handle.  And I believe that.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  That doesn’t mean I feel like “counting my blessings” and being grateful for all that I have.   A lot of the time, I’m focused on all that I’ve lost.  I can’t help it.  There’s this heavy burden hanging over me and I’m having a difficult time carrying the load.

I’m not going to feel guilty about it.  Don’t think I should have to apologize for being depressed, angry and paralyzed with fear.  But, at the same time, I pray every night for the strength to change my routine and feel better.  A lot of it has to do with DH.  He’s so sick.  The chemo has really taken a toll on him.  He’s lost a lot of weight, lost all his hair, doesn’t want to eat and doesn’t have enough strength to do very much.  So I adapt to his routine.  We get up and play on the computer while having coffee.  I get dressed, straighten the house a little and plan dinner.  Go to the store if I have to while he takes his afternoon nap, fix dinner, do the dishes, watch TV and go to bed.

And I eat.  Everything and anything.  It seems to be the only thing that gives me any comfort.

We have lots of events coming up.  We’re going to Orlando next month.  Got two cruises on the calendar and a three day stay at any of the Bluegreen Resorts.  Usually, these events would inspire me to diet and exercise and buy new clothes.  Not now.  I just can’t seem to get excited about anything.

Just waiting for this round of chemo to be over and then find out if any of it has done any good.