Thirteen years. I’ve been blogging on this site for 13 years. As I logged on this morning, I noticed the subheading on my blog. It says “Sistah Pat – Just trying to find method to the madness“. Funny how I never noticed what I had written until this morning. I’ve been looking for it for 13 years and I’m still looking for it.
How ironic that I have made new year’s resolutions to help me bring method to the madness. My life is so conflicted. I keep looking for answers and can’t seem to find them. But then, I’m beginning to realize it’s not about the top of the mountain, it’s about the climb.
I made resolutions to try to bring some order to my life. I’ve been struggling with my weight and my relationships and I understand enough about myself to recognize that I need structure. Having understood that, I’m trying to set up routines that help me focus and find some success.
Going through my routines this morning, I’m beginning to realize that I’ve set some tough goals. It’s going to take a lot of commitment to stick with it.
I got up and texted Terry. I had my coffee and checked my email and my facebook account. I listened to three chapters of the Bible and then I went through a study guide of those three chapters. I weighed myself. (shows my first day of eating healthy and exercising had a net result of gaining 2 pounds…sigh) I forced myself to eat a healthy breakfast of Special K with almond milk even though I didn’t want it. I logged it into my fitbit, entered my weight and my breakfast, and then listened to two sermons from Dr. David Jeremiah.
So now it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and I’m still in my nightgown and have to get on the treadmill.
This is going to be pretty demanding.
On top of that, Terry is asking me to come to his house and I told him I would come on Monday. I know I need structure and I’ve certainly planned a program that will give me that. Not much time for anything else. It will be difficult for me at Terry’s. He knows I’m dieting and says he’s got it covered but he hasn’t had much exposure to me when I’m fixated on something. Donnie used to say I would get obsessed with dieting and exercise but I know myself and I know what I need to do. Terry has a high metabolism and I doubt if he’s ever had to actively try to lose weight. Probably the opposite. He’s definitely hyperactive. He likes to smoke a little weed because he says it slows him down but he’s usually running around like crazy. I’ve noticed that when I’m trying to read the bible or work on something he interrupts me a lot and I lose my focus. He gets off track and I get sucked into his vortex. Carl was kind of the opposite. He was a soothing breeze. A quiet haven in the midst of my upheaval. Not really what I needed but tranquil, nevertheless. Terry is many things to me but he is not a quiet and tranquil breeze by any means.
I’m on a journey to increase my spirituality. It helps. I feel so much better but I have a lot of regrets. I don’t know why but I’ve always had Christ in my life. I received his grace and I’ve always known I was blessed. I’ve had so many hardships that I know others might have let it destroy them but I have never doubted that God was with me. I’ve always been able to look at my losses and be grateful for having been given such a blessing instead of focusing on how I lost them. I’ve always compared it to having received a wonderful gift. For example, what if someone asked you where you would like to go more than anyplace in the world and you told them Hawaii. Then they handed you a plane ticket, a prepaid vacation staying at a luxurious resort and all the spending money you wanted for a month in Hawaii. When it was time to go home, would you be angry and heartbroken that the trip was over or would you treasure the gift they gave you?
I choose to treasure the gifts. I was a beautiful woman. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was. Now I’m getting old and saggy. Every day seems to bring new wrinkles and age spots and aches and pains but how can I complain about it or resent it? I was given a handsome, virile, and loving man and adored him for almost 50 years. What a gift! How can I be angry that he died? I had a wonderful family with good parents and brothers and sisters that loved one another and remained in loving relationships for almost 70 years. How can I be angry that the family is splintering? I’ve been loved by two good men since my husband died in spite of no longer being a beautiful woman. I have nothing in my life to complain about.
And yet, I have regrets. I have enabled my children and grand children until they are totally dependent on me. If it were just me, I would sell my house and move to a condo in Florida and live the good life but I stay here. Paying a small fortune in bills and life insurance every month because I don’t see how on earth they would survive without me. At a time when they should be helping me, I continue to take care of them.
I regret that I did not raise my children and grandchildren in the church. I didn’t go to church a lot when I was a child. Just occasionally. But I knew enough to accept Christ as my savior when I was just 14 years old and I have known his grace all my life. I didn’t need church. I had a strong faith without it. I didn’t need to read the bible because I had Christ in my heart. I never doubted it. And, somehow, I thought my children and grandchildren would know Christ just through living with me. But they don’t. I started to notice it a couple of years ago. With David, especially. He is very anti-Christian. I thought with the love of Christ in my heart that he would understand just through the way I live and the occasional remarks I made but I was so very wrong. I started to notice it a couple of years ago when he started complaining that his boss invited him to church. The more the man invited him, the more angry he became. I suggested he go, check it out, and then he unloaded on me about how the Bible and Jesus Christ was just a bunch of fiction and how no intelligent person could ever believe in all that crap.
After seeing how David felt about Christ, I started tentatively exploring how Darryl and my grandchildren felt and I was dismayed. They seem to have this vague idea that there’s “some kind of higher power” but not really Jesus.
Terry opened my eyes when I started dating him. I told him I recognized Jesus as my savior and I had been so very blessed in my life but he knows the bible so well and I didn’t understand a lot of what he said so I began to read and study. The more I learn, the more I want to share but my family is very much against it. And I blame myself. It was my job to teach them and to make sure they were raised with a good foundation. It troubles me.
I’ve had a couple of confrontations with David about it. He never seemed to object when I would say Grace over a holiday meal or occasionally remark that I wasn’t worried about something, that I knew God would take care of it. It was only when I began to read the Bible in earnest and watch televised gospel in my bedroom that he became confrontational and angry. I’d be watching a sermon in my bedroom and he would come in for some reason and start saying things like, “How can you watch that crap?” or “That’s total fiction. It’s scientifically impossible. That’s nothing but brain washing.”
I told him I had always believed that way but I’d only recently decided to study my spirituality in more detail. It puts me in a difficult place because I don’t know enough about the bible to contradict some of the things he says. I do know about Christ. He has always been a part of my life but I guess I failed to show that as much as I should have.
I’ve asked David, “I’ve always had Christ in my heart and in my life. Look at my life, look at all the blessings I’ve had. What is it about the way I’ve lived my life and things I believe that is so terrible? Why do you feel that I should defend my beliefs and actions to you? I’ve always been this way and I’ve always been grateful for everything that I’ve been given and yet you want me to agree with you that my beliefs are wrong. Why don’t you spend some time reading the bible and learning about Christianity before you condemn it?”
But he won’t. The anger that he has about Christianity is puzzling to me. What is it that has happened in his life that makes him so angry with God? It’s not that I’m shoving it down his throat. It’s the way I’ve always lived but now that I’m exploring and learning more, he’s become very angry. No, in thinking about it, I realize that statement isn’t true. I first saw his anger a couple of years ago when he talked about his boss inviting him to church. That was before I met Terry and started looking at my beliefs more critically. I started listening to sermons and reading my bible about ten months ago when I met Terry but David was angry even before that.
David was furious about what Donna did to me and my business and he kept trying to get me to report her. He wanted me to take revenge on her and couldn’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t. I kept telling him that I’m not like that. It is not my place to judge her and I will not do it. I don’t know why she did the things she did and I spent way too much time trying to figure it out. I have to let it go. She’s my sister and I will always love her. I tried to tell him that it’s much more difficult for me to let it go than it would be to retaliate but I choose to take the high road and I will not be persuaded to “get even with her”. He seems to think that what I consider to be the more difficult road is what he considers to be a cop out.
I tried to use Stacy as an example. I told him Stacy has hurt both of us ten times worse than Donna ever has and yet I continue to love her and forgive her. He responds by saying, “Stacy is ill. She can’t help it.”
Yes, she can help it but it’s difficult. Donna has difficulties in her life as well. Why would I continually forgive Stacy and not forgive my own sister?
As of right now, Stacy hasn’t spoken to me for almost six months. I did nothing to her and yet she shut me out. She doesn’t respond to my texts or call me. She comes to my house and sleeps in my bed whenever I go out of town but she leaves whenever I’m expected home. David finally asked her why she was mad at me and she said she invited me in to see her new apartment six months ago when I drove her home and I told her I didn’t have time. Really? That’s what I did? In the meantime, I gave her things for her new apartment to help her out and I brought her some fresh melons from Utah when Terry and I traveled last summer. I texted her and told her I brought her some wonderful melons and she never even answered me. Just called David and asked him to bring it to her. She didn’t come over for Thanksgiving even though her children were here. She didn’t come over for Christmas even though they were here. She has not spoken to me for six months. It hurts. I bought her a nice purse for Christmas and I finally just told David to take it to her a couple of days ago. She hasn’t texted or called to say Thank You. And yet I continue to love her and care about her.
I try to spread love and joy everywhere I go and to everyone I meet. David appreciates it where Stacy is concerned but he doesn’t seem to get it when it comes to my sister.
I don’t know where I went wrong and it’s difficult to fix. Donnie and I talked about religion and Christ but I guess we should have done it as a family instead of in bed before drifting off to sleep. I failed them and now I’m trying to figure out how to fix it. Terry has helped my spirituality to some degree but it’s difficult. One thing I learned as a teacher is that you have to tell kids what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and then tell them what you told them. Then you have to review it the next day before taking the next step. Terry would have been a terrible teacher. Whenever we begin to discuss religion he gets wound up and overwhelms me. He doesn’t serve up his wisdom as an appetizer to get me to want more, he lays it out like a buffet and I leave feeling way too full. I can’t digest it all at one time.
So I go it on my own. A couple of chapters a day. Listening and studying and trying to take small bites.
5:30 Update – Did 1.2 miles on my treadmill. Not a lot but it’s better than yesterday. Now to figure out how to fix a dinner that everyone will eat that is low cal and low fat.