A fat girl’s quest to freedom

New commitments, betrayals and triumphs

So….. I’m back again. The last couple of months have been filled with upheaval and the dust has finally settled. There has been so many changes, revelations and painful discoveries…this is going to be a long post.

First: New Commitments…

I have been living in the same house for the past five years. It started out pretty good and I felt like it was the best place for me. I had great roommates and we all were like a family…without any of the family drama. Then one of the girls moved out and the landlord moved in. It was fine and when I lost my job in 2007 it put the proverbial monkey wrench into the works. I had a very understanding landlord who allowed me to stay there even when I was short. It felt like a home for so long and when I got a new job I had planned to stay there for a lot longer. But eventually her issues came into the works and after a while it started to feel like a prison. She had changed over the last couple of years and was having issues with alcohol and some internal coping hiccups. I started to distance myself from her on a regular basis. It eventually go to the point that when I as home I stayed in my room all the time. I only ventured out to fix food which I would take to my room and eat in bed(NOT a habit this girl needed to have). But after the turmoil of being unemployed and the lack of confidence I had in the workforce I was unwilling to leave. I knew if I lost my job I wouldn’t be homeless as long as I lived there. But eventually it became too much and I had to take a hard look at where my life was headed. I was becoming reclusive and depressed. On my off days I would stay in bed until one or two, fry (yes…FRY :-0) myself something to eat and then eat it in bed.

One day I was watching this show, called, “Heavy” and there was this guy who was over 600lbs eating waffles in bed. He was talking about how he used to be active and then he started slowly gaining weight. After a while he would just eat in his room and then when he couldn’t get around that much anymore his family had to bring him food. He became more reclusive and then the weight really piled on. I realized right then, that I was looking at my future if I didn’t get myself together. So I decided that I was going to have to get over my fear of possibly losing my job and move out. That had to be the first step because I was so miserable there. I felt like I was in prison and I was slowly suffocating and I was using this place as a safety net and I needed to stop.  Luckily my best friend had a room available and needed help with the rent and I moved ASAP! It’s great now….I am in a house with a true friend that I love like a sister who has had the same kind of issues with weight and works out at the gym 5-6 times a week. Once I moved in we started working out together and I started eating better. I’m truly in a happy place now. But there was a wrinkle I had not forseen…..

Betrayal…

I have had the same best friends now for about 4 years…Jan( my roommate) and Jes*, my sisters from another mister. I met Jes* first and Jan about a year or so later. We did everything together and we all had similar issues regarding our parents. Jan is the affectionate one…so nurturing. If you were feeling bad about something and just needed someone to be there for you and coddle you a bit(Hey…we all need that sometimes) Jan was your girl. Jes was the tough girl with an edge who would always have your back in an argument or a fight(don’t worry..it never got to that point,lol). We have seen each other through some tough times and personal crisis and I thought that we would end up like the Golden Girls. HA! Last yea Jes* became engaged an I was SO happy for her. I wanted that for her for so long because I knew she missed out on that love as a child. Who knew that a year later that I wouldn’t be able to stand to be in the same room with her?!

During our friendship I had been there for her through BAD breakups, illnesses, family emergencies and a plethora of other dramas and issues. I would have given her one of my kidneys if she needed it. (Thank God she did her dirt before she needed one,lol) I had noticed after she became engaged that she started to distance herself from Jan and I. We just weren’t as close as we used to be…but I put it down to her engagement. She has that special person in her life now and she should spend more time with him than with us. Besides I loved her fiance…he was perfect for her. When she found out she was pregnant I was ecstatic! Finally…a baby was on the way(and I didn’t have to have it,lol) Unfortunately tragedy struck and she lost the baby. I was so heartbroken for her….I left work(Not smart since it was my probationary period) and went straight to her house. This was the first instance that I had an unkind word to say about her fiance…he was not going to come see her because he had a wedding to go to!!?( Seriously…WTF!!) But he came to his senses and arrived that night.

However things between us got progressively worse. When her finace’s 30th birthday rolled around, she decided to throw him a party in San Diego (a plane ride away from where we live). I had started a new class and I couldn’t go. She was unhappy but school comes first. Because I was working and going to school we did not have a lot of time to hang out anymore but we always had Friday night dinner Jes, Jan and I. Eventually she stopped coming to that too. I figured that friends sometimes grow apart and it was okay. I still loved her and she still loved me.

Ten days ago I found out that she had been talking about me behind my back and NOT in a good way. She actually told someone that she didn’t want me in her wedding because I would mess up her bridal pictures because I was too big. I was crushed…not because she was worried about her pictures but because she’s been talking about me for MONTHS and talked about this to all her friends behind my back while sitting in my face smiling and making wedding plans. I have hung out with these people many times over the last six months and I can just imagine how they laughed at me. I never thought that she would talk about me like this. Not about something as superficial about my size. She didn’t even respect me enough to tell me to my face. She was telling me about her wedding plans and talking about where we the bridal party was going to stay about a week ago. I barely contained myself! But we were in a restaurant and I was NOT going to make a scene. I haven’t spoken to her since and I doubt I will speak to her for a while. I don’t…NO…I REFUSE to let this derail me or eat up anymore of my time. As a matter of fact once I finish typing this blog I will not speak of it again. Switching gears….

Triumphs….

So in the last two weeks I have lost 7lbs and I am 11 lb away from my original weight and 18lb away from the mini goal I set for myself last fall. Yesterday I actually walked 2.7 miles and I feel so good about myself. I also feel more positive because I have a workout buddy who knows just how hard it is to stay on track and she motivates me all the time. She won’t let me get away with any of my excuses or BS. She supports me but understands that she can’t lose the weight for me and won’t push me. She lets me push myself and occasionally reminds me why I’m doing all this when I forget.

Well….I needed to get that off my chest. Now I have to get ready for the gym. Goodnight everyone.

*= Name changed to protect an idiots identity…just in case.

Progress!!!

This week has been good! I got in all my meals and did not go over my calorie limit. I went to this intense Latin dance class Monday night and man I shook things that haven’t been shaken in years! It’s an hour long and I’m so proud of myself for doing the whole hour. When I left the gym that night everyone of my muscles hurt,lol. It took me 20 minutes to walk home and the gym is only two blocks away but the next morning my muscles felt fine.

The rest of me wasn’t feeling so great on Tuesday. I tried this new salmon patty Monday night as my pre-workout meal and around 11pm I woke up with major abdominal cramping and I was sick all night and the next day but I was determined to get well because I had my first training seesion on Wednesday. I have been blessed with some more motivation and have been invited on a girls trip to Hawaii in April!!!  I’m so excited and I want to be down a lot by then. I know I have my work cut out for me…but I’m willing to put in the work!

My training session last night was great! She worked all my muscle groups and we did a lot of stretching. Apparently I’m really flexible…something I never knew! But she showed me some stretching excersises that matched my flexibility and let me tell you…she had me all twisted up and it felt great. She explained to me that the reason I am stiff at times was because of my size I can’t stretch the way I need to. She taught me how to stretch on my own. Today I have a check-up to review my blood pressure. if it’s still high I may have to start taking medication. I have my fingers crossed. My positive for today is that….I’m officially down 22lbs since last month!!

A lot of bad news…..and BIG STEPS!!

It has been a rollercoaster ride the last couple of months. My dad was hospitalized in the last week of July. We found out that he has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and degenerative bone disease. Geez…talk about a whammy! I never expected my dad to get sick….ever. My mom and her side of the family has always been the sickies in my family. Heart disease, HBP, High cholesterol, cancer….they have always been health problems on my mom’s side of the family. My dad was the superman. He never got sick…rarely got a cold. He hasn’t had a cold in 10 years. I would have never thought that he would be ill like this, never in a million years.

Now I had to decide what this all meant. Even though I am really overweight I’ve always been moderately healthy. No HBP or cholesterol problems(my blood pressure has always been on the low side)…no issues whatsoever. I always attributed this to the genes I got from my dad. Unlike my mom, I’m rarely sick…maybe once every two-three years. My mom stayed sick. There’s been pneumonia, walking pneumonia, numerous bouts of the flu not to mention all of her other ailments(HBP,heart disease). I guess in my mind I thought that I would be okay…there’s no reason to panic about my size because I am more like my dad health wise. Now all that has changed.

I had started my new job in May and I was now eligible for health insurance. I went ahead and made my appointment for August 26th. I was terrified that I was prediabetic or diabetic. I picked a doctor that focused on being active and being healthy because I wanted to lose weight. I was ready to combat diabetes with all I had. Well….you can imagine my surprise when the dr informed me that my BP was really high, 178/108! I actually had her take it again because I was sure there had been some malfunction. Everything else was fine but my bp was high…high enough for her to talk to me about medication and getting a blood pressure machine. I was in a state of shock all day. What am I supposed to do know?

Well I told myself, “Self…if you don’t want to end up like mom or grandmama, you better do something now!” I went home and threw out any bad food I had. I didn’t have a lot but I was not taking this lightly. I went to the store and bought some healthy foods to get me started. When I was weighed in ath the doctors, I weighed 374 and I knew if I lost at least 10 lbs it would help to lower my bp. I started taking little walks and working out sporadically a couple of time a month. But I knew that I needed more discipline. I marched myself down to Ballys and got a trainer and I start working out 4 days a week this week. My trainer is great! She understands my fears, my goals and my shortcomings and she’s going to be all over me to make sure that I keep going. She just texted me this morning to check up on what activity I’m doing today. I feel motivated and know what’s going to happen if I don’t get control of this now. When I weighed in this morning, I was 358.6. I’m happy but I know I have a long way to go.

 

Hello again….

Wow…so much has happened since my last post. I am now gainfully employed and I’m back on my education track. But the best part is that I’m ready to tackle my weight again. When I first started, it was a not as complex for me because my goal was to lose weight and figure out how to eat healthy. Being unemployed for such a long time made that difficult but not because of the lessened financial flexibility. It was the fear of being completely ruined financially. The emotional roller coaster was brutal and reduced me to a mini depression. For an emotional eater that is hell. I did gain…and then I lost…and then I gained again. Well now that I have a job I have started eating healthier and I’ve lost six pounds so far. No workouts yet but I plan to wok those in next week. Stating slow and easy. But it’s good to fell like I’m somewhat back on track 🙂

The Plan

So this is a rough plan that I have to keep myself on track. I want to be able to check each point to get a perfect on plan day each day. This way I’ll keep myself accountable each day and when I miss a point it will be really evident and in my mind the next day. At the end of the month I will check my points for the month.

Drink 100 ounces of water

30 Minutes of exercise , additional amount____

Blog

3FC Forum

Breakfast

Breakfast before 6am

Mid-Morning Snack

Lunch

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Dinner

Dinner before 7pm

Calories counted

Calories on taget

Total score for the day______

Wish me luck!!!

Keeping my eye on the prize

It’s amazing how much re-training I need to get back on track. I admit that I just assumed that I would just start exercising and eating healthier and it would be easy…it’s not. I am starting over…but this time with guidelines. I feel like winging it, like I did before, would just put me back into this spot in another 4 months. I plan to succeed and the first thing I need is a daily plan. My plan will include my targets for the day, counting calories, making sure I eat on time, daily exercise log, blog attendance and evening check in. This may seem like a lot but I know that seeing this list everyday will help me keep on track. I refuse to spend the rest of my life like this and I need structure.

Now..for the good news. Yesterday was a semi-success….I ate only when hungry and I got in 20 minutes of exercise. Today I plan to exercise 30 minutes and eat every 2 1/2 – 3 hours so that I get all my calories. I will post my daily plan later today.

New Commitments

Wow….I can’t believe how far off track I have been. It’s been over 4 months since I’ve posted and I haven’t worked out in 2 months. I realize now that I have to work to remain diligent when I’ve obtained small goals. I became complacent after losing 50lbs and I’ve teetered for months. I used to get up every morning and weigh myself. A couple of weeks ago I realized that I hadn’t stepped on a scale in a month. For the first time in over 10 years….I didn’t know how much I weighed. This was NOT a good thing. I had eaten all my fav foods for Thanksgiving, I ate two bags of chocolate for Halloween and I ate candy all through December. I had gone back to wearing elastic waist pants because you really can’t feel that you’re gaining weight in those. They are my security clothes. I can lie to myself in those clothes.

Well the next morning I stood on the scale, sweating and nervous, and waited for the scale to give me that magic number. There I was hoping to be the same weight I was in the beginning of October, HA! When the number appeared….I just stared and felt my eyes start to tear up. I had gained 20 FREAKING LBS!! As I made my way to the living room, a movie was playing in my head of the last 4 months. All the bad eating and limited activity had definitely taken their toll. I felt so sad and I was on the verge of tears but underneath all that was anger. I was so angry with myself. I had taken control of my eating and made so many positive steps towards becoming a healthier, happier person. At one point I realized that food was not my top priority anymore. I was doing so good…what happened?

It was two days before Christmas and I had gained 20lbs since November. Why? Hell, how??!! I pondered this constantly over the next four days and I realized that I stopped taking it seriously. I mean I worked my ass off, 50lbs of it actually, but once I realized how much I lost I stopped trying. Not consciously of course, but when I look back on my actions, I can see it. It started when I stopped posting on the 3FC forums everyday. I had every excuse, I was busy or I’ll post tomorrow but I didn’t and weeks would go by before I got around to the site. I am on my laptop 16 hours out of the day….I had unlimited opportunities to log on to the forums…I just didn’t. Then I stopped blogging here, I would tell myself that I had nothing to blog about(yeah, right!!) Then I stopped counting calories and portion sizes and started grazing again. Finally I stopped going to the gym in November. Now I’m looking at the looming New Year and realizing how far off track I’ve gotten. I feel miles away from the woman that was posting in July and August. That girl is still inside of me but she has been partially buried by my recent snacking, self delusions and excuses. That girl wanted to put on a dress for New Years and strut her newly trimmed stuff at some party or club. But I had other plans….and now I’m upset, disgusted and disappointed in myself. What to do? 🙁

This is what I did. I reacquainted myself with my weight loss goals and new hurdles. I renewed my gym membership and went shopping for healthy foods and snacks. I dug out all my meal plans, hand weights, bands and Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I went back onto the 3fc forums and posted for the first time in months. Finally here I am blogging for the first time since August. I knew the worst thing I could do was sit around kicking myself and get caught up in what ifs. I realize now that my quest will most likely last my lifetime, just in varying degrees. I have a long way to go but I know I’ve taken important steps. There will be hiccups, hurdles, stumbles and falls along the way but I know as long as I get up and dust myself off after the falls that I will be okay and eventually I will reach the point where the healthy girl inside me is permanently on the outside. It’s her freedom I’m fighting for.

Reminisces, Regrets and Renewal

I reached my the end of my first six weeks on August 23, which was my birthday, and my results astounded me. I had lost 22 lbs and 28 inches all over my body and I couldn’t wait for the next six weeks! Great results! I felt so good about myself! Now….I have to admit that since then I haven’t been as diligent in my eating and excersing as I should have been. I regret to say that I kind of relaxed after I learned of my results. But today is the beginning of a new week and my determination has been renewed! I felt guilty and disappointed in my self because I had not been eating as good as I could have been. I decided to get out of the house and went to Sutro Heights Park near the beach in San Francisco. I had planned to take a few pictures and admire the view. However I found myself hiking the trails and pushing my body to do something that I have never done. It was hard and there were a few times when I thought that I wasn’t going to make it. But I pushed a little harder and I finally made it to the top! I was exhilarated and so proud of myself. It made me realize how far I had come in those short six weeks. I would be out of breath from walking from my house to the grocery store across the street. I wouldn’t walk fast and it was all on flat ground! I couldn’t believe that six weeks of eating healthy and getting daily exercise could make such a difference. I still have a long way to go but I know that at the end of these six weeks I will be that much closer to being healthy, fit and closer to being free of the fat girl. I will post pictures from my hike a little later. 🙂

Reflections

As I get closer to the six week mark of my journey (Sunday), I realize how much I’ve changed my life. Seven weeks ago, I never would have thought that I would be someone that went to the gym 5 times a week, or that I would grow to like it. Part of me can’t believe that I’ve lasted for six weeks. I used to quit by the end of the first day. I think the difference is that 1) I’m truly fed up with my size and 2) the fact that I’m not on a diet. I decided to eat healthier and make better choices food wise. Eating every 3-3 1/2 hours has allowed me to actually experience hunger so that I now know what it feels like. I also don’t deprive myself. I have sweets but I usually eat sugar free and fat free sweets. One word people-Jello. They have so many flavors in both gelatin and pudding that I always have a sweet treat in the house that is only around 80 calories. I can add all types of fruit to it and make it a healty snack. If I decide to eat something not healthy, I just make sure that I eat healthy for the rest of the day and I don’t gain unless it’s outrageous, which I stay far away from.

I’ve come to realize that my obsession with food started in my childhood. My mom was laid off when I was a kid and money was tight. Sometimes we only had enough food to last until the middle of the month. For 1-2 weeks, we survived on bread, and if we were lucky, potatoes. I somehow got into the habit of eating as much as I could when I got food because I was hungry all of the time. When things got better, I never changed that. I never realized this until two weeks ago. I realized that I was eating alot and I wasn’t hungry. I sat down and tried to figure out why. I realized that this something I’ve always done after grocery shopping. I was astounded! It was instinct for me and I never questioned it, I just ate. Groceries that should have lasted for two weeks would only last one and the minute that the fridge looked a little empty would trigger that feeling that we were going to run out of food and start the process all over again. But the problem is that we haven’t had a lack of food since I was 16. I was 16 when I really started piling on the weight. I can’t believe that for the past 16 years I have been eating like that. The positive of this revelation is that it has actually cut down on my cravings and unhealthy eating. I know that I’m not going to run out of food and that there is no reason to eat like that. I know that I’m not going to starve. I always known that but I think the fear of starving never left me and it has triggered this behavior. It’s also a relief to know a reason for all the eating I’ve done in my past.

When I started this journey, I wore a 26/30 in shirts and a 30 in pants. Well a friend gave me a shirt for my birthday but it was a size 20. Well I tried it on to see how much further I had to go. Well that shirt actually fit! I couldn’t believe it, I have dropped down 4 sizes in shirts in six weeks and the best part is that I’ve done it in a healthy way. I know that I won’t ever be that size again. 🙂

 

When the scale doesn’t move…

Since my last weigh-in(Tuesday) the scale has not moved.I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong and it was beginning to stress me out.  I’ve been to the gym four days this week and twice on Friday and my eating has been on point with the exception of Wendy’s chicken Nuggets on Monday.  So I got up this morning and stood on the scale expecting to see some king of loss and….nothing. I even got off and got right back on….exact same number. Okay…now I’m starting to get ticked off >-( What is going on? I feel so frustated. I decide to get out of the house and end up eating some unhealthy freebies at the farmer’s market. Great!

I get back home and decide to try to figure out what’s wrong instead of eating my way off my quest.  I grab my MT binder and start reading to see what I’m doing wrong and it occurs to me to take my measurements. I haven’t taken them since my second week (there was no change then). So I take out the measuring tape and I start at my waist…Sweet Lord….I’ve lost 4 inches in my waist. Well I measure again to be sure and…I have actually lost 4 inches in the last two weeks. So…of course…I check the rest of me and I’ve lost a total of 9 inches off my body: arms, waist, hips, thighs and forearms. After doing a dance around the room, I decide to try to lessen the blow of the junk I just ate and I do my Cardio dance DVD. I really put alot into it…the last thing I want is to hapen is to see a higher number in the morning. 

This morning I wake up and I’m a little afraid….what if the junk I ate yesterday packs on the pounds? I’m going to be so disappointed in myself if I gained because I went back to my old habits yesterday. After giving myself a stern talking to, I make my way to the scale and I get on. (For some reason as I’m waiting for my weight to appear, I flash on The Biggest Loser and how nervous they are when they weigh in. I’ve always wondered if all that anxiety affected the results of the scale.) Finally my number comes up-and I’ve lost two lbs! Thank GOODNESS! At this point, part of me just wanted that damn scale to move, but I really wanted it to move lower not higher.

 I think that maybe because I increased my workout intensity and duration and did not increase my caloric intake, I stalled my weight loss. I think the junk actually helped a bit by shocking my system…but I DO NOT want to go through that again and I definitely don’t want to incorporate junk food into my weight loss journey. I need to create a meal plan for the days that I workout. Watching the scale stuck at one number for 5 days is frustrating and discouraging. I’ve learned that when the scale doesn’t move, I may have lost inches instead or I also may need to adjust my meal plans. I’m off to figure out how much more I need to eat on the days that I work out or if I need to increase my pre-workout meal. 🙂