The quest for happy imperfection…

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Victory is mine! January 7, 2010

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 7:50 am

Okay… so maybe we’re celebrating small victories, but still! So far I’m down 1.6 for the week, which I’m pretty darn proud of. I wish I could move the decimal poitn farther to the right… but I’ll take it ūüėČ

Been a bit of a hectic week. Took kitty to the vet and it turns out she has crystals in her urine (thus her peeing and pooping all over everything) Mom got back from visiting Gma and the fam in Missouri last night. And, I’ve actually been taking the time to cook meals for myself. Novel idea, really. Haven’t made it to the gym at all, but I did eek our 20 or so minutes of stepping and all that on my Bosu (those things are so fun… until the next day) while watchign Biggest Loser.

I also got a new toy yesterday, and I’m stoked. I finally upgraded my phone to a smartphone (take that, old stupidphone!) and this thing is awesome. Now, most people are excited for email (which I haven’t set up) or web (which I hardly know how to use on my phone) or something else all coolish. Me? My calorie counter. With a barcode scanner. No, really. I’m in love. I also have a C25K app for whenever my stupid butt starts it.

So far this week has been pretty easy. Then again, for my weight, I get to eat 1944 calories a day.. which is pretty awesome, except that it’s just another representation of how big I’ve let myself get. I did some measurements the other night (which I need to finish) and.. wow. All bad. But, have to start somewhere, right? Besides, the more i beat myself up over feeling fat, the more likely I am to stay fat. So, for now, I’m going to hold my head high and convince myself that A. my value is not correlated to my weight B. This is only temporary C. I’m going to be hot before this is all over!


The best laid plans… January 5, 2010

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 8:17 am

… are often ruined by cats. Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. I was prepared for my meals the next day, and I was going to bed early so I could wake up early enough to work out in the morning before work. That’s right, was going to bed early. Until I realized that the cat had peed on my bed. And pooped. Oh yeah, and covered it up with a blanket. Yeah, like I wasn’t going to find it. Gross. So, instead of drifting off into dreamland, I was steamcleaning, washing, and cursing under my breath. Once I finally got to bed (in my mother’s bed- she’s out of town and I’m stuck here with Poopapalooza), there was no peace for the restless, since both cats decided that they wanted to sleep ON me- including walking all over me while trying to find the perfect squishy spot (Plenty of those to go around!)

So, I didn’t get up early. But, I had my meals all planned out, tracked my calories, drank my water, etc.

Things were going fabulously… until dinner. Dad called, wanted to go out to dinner before he leaves for three weeks to climb a gigantic mountain. No, seriously. And on a side note- how sad is it that my father,¬†30 years older than me, is climbing gigantic mountains and I sound like an asthmatic when I climb stairs? (And no, I don’t even have asthma. Just fat)

And Dad wants to go to Calimjumper. No biggie- their nutrition info is online. So, like the ever clever little planner I am, I get online and search for the perfect meal… and search… and search… panic sets in- everything on the menu is like 2000 calories! Holy crap! I only find a handful of things that are under 1000 calories- and they’re side dishes or small plate appetizers! Eek! So, I decide on the macademia nut halibut. It’s 1000 calories give or take and figure I’ll eat half. I have a snack at home before I go (I feel so brilliant for that. BTW.) and order up when I get there. Unfortunately, my halibut seemed more like dried out chicken (tres gross) and I send it back (Dad did the same with his- I’m not super picky- swear!) and got the clubhouse sandwich instead. 1380 calories- but got broccoli instead of fries and only ate half. Would have been good for the day’s calories if it hadn’t been for the cupcake. Damn you red velvet cupcakes. I swear- Claimjumper’s red velet cupcakes are pretty much my favorite dessert ever. And once everyonelse at the table ordered dessert… well, I caved. Damn me. Note to self: in the future- do not order the cupcake. You will not miss it. You will not feel more satisfied if you have it. Avoid the cupcake. Hell, avoid Claimjumper.

Anyways, while I screwed up a few times, I still made some decisions I can feel good about. Onwards and upwards!


Walk of shame January 3, 2010

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 10:06 pm

¬†So, it’s been nearly a year, and here I am again. I wish I could say all sorts of wonderful things- like the magic weightloss fairy visited me in the middle of the night, granted all of my wishes, and I no longer needed a weight loss blog. Or, I’ve done really well over the last umpteen months and I just need to buckle down and lose the last 10. Unfortunately, neither one of them are true (damn weightloss fairy- where are you?!) Instead, it’s been one heck of a year, and I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit actually. And here’s my confessional- last time I checked on the scale it was a full 238- a good 30 pounds or so for the year. Eek. And so, here I am. I’m tired of trying to lose weight, and failing. I’m tired of feeling horrible and angry with myself, and dodging cameras has gotten really old.

I started reading through some of the old posts of my blog, and I was inspired by the person I used to be. Over time, I’ve let this weight drag me down both physically and mentally, and I miss the “take that fat!” attitude I was adopting. I miss holding myself accountable to something- and so here I am. I can’t promise perfection- but I’m looking for progress!

So, what have I been doing for the last year? Well, let’s just say that it has been a doozy. (grab your healthy snacks- this is going to be a long post)

Some of you (if any of you remember- or, heck, if anybody is even out there) will remember that Sean and I were working with a youth group that had, quite frankly, the world’s best kids- even if every single one of them came with piles and piles of baggage. Well, we had known that our church was unhealthy for quite some time. Our pastor was theologically all over the place, and not entirely based in scripture. The church itself was small, trapped in a bygone world, and not held accountable to any governing body.¬†The long and short of it is that we were pushed¬†out by the church secretary and the pastor, he had changed his mind about women in leadership (?), and she wanted someone else to lead the youth group (a previous youth group member who was now 28, admittedly sexually attracted to the female youth group members, and had previously¬†been charged with statutory rape).¬†

So, to say things fell apart is an understatement. Those kids were literally like our kids, I would have adopted every single one of them (all 30+ of them!) and the betrayal we felt by the church we had served so faithfully for so long was just as painful.

A week and a half after our last youth group- I was laid off. I was shocked (I mean, I worked at a hospital!), and leadership packed my stuff up for me and pushed me out the back door without even an opportunity to say goodbye to the people I had worked with for over 2 years.

Luckily, God is pretty flipping good, and I got a job back at my old company starting the Monday after I got laid off. For more money too. Woohoo! Except, it was in the Bay Area, a good 3.5 hours away. So, I moved in with my mom and my stepdad to work during the week, and went home to Tahoe on weekends. It was just supposed to be temporary- Sean and I were trying to move to Sacramento.

Then I went in to have my back looked at for the first time in 3 years. My scoliosis had gotten worse. My thoracic curve went from 38 to 45 (40 is the threshold for surgery) and my lumbar curve had gone from 32 to 38. I also developed a third curve in my neck- 30 degrees. There was an experimental treatment- but it would be time intensive (almost 6 hours a day) for a few months, and taper off. We tried it, and I was able to bring my top curve back down to 40, as well as some good improvement in the other 2 curves. But, it meant commiting to being away from Sean until atleast August (I started in early April) In the meantime, we bid on (and lost) 6 houses in the Sacramento area, and neither one of us could find a job there.

Since then, I’ve lost my last remainging great grandmother, and grandfather. My mother and stepfather divorced (a good thing- something she should have done years and years ago), Lucy (the puppy love of our life) had a cancer scare,¬†and Sean and I have been living apart since the end of March (with all the trials that brings) We’ve since made the decision to move to the Bay Area, and are working on finding a house here (and a job for Sean).

While I certainly don’t consider any of this to be an excuse for why I gained weight- weight loss, or in my case, gain, doesn’t happen in a vaccuum. The last year has been difficult. More so than I ever could have imagined. For most of it, I just kept hoping that it was all coming to an end soon. That I would work on losing weight once Sean and I were living together again. Once my life got “settled”. Once I stopped treatment for my back.¬†Once… well, a whole lot of onces. All of the routines I was used to were gone. I didn’t have a dog that needed walking (she’s at home with Sean) or a driveway that needed shoveling. I was cooking meals for my mom and I instead of primarliy myself. I was living in a house that wasn’t mine, in a job that I knew but was still so different than 4 years ago. I was constantly living with the up and down “maybe we’ll get this house and the whole merry go round will stop!”, the not making plans because we didn’t know where we’d be living, or what if it was moving weekend?!

I’ve had enough. My topsy turvy life is affecting me only because I let it. I can sulk about how everything is different and wah wah, but the truth is I’ve been living with the reality of my daily situation for close to 9 months now- it’s about time that I shut up and adapt. And so, here I am. I’m here because I want to hold myself accountable. I want to stop waiting for my life to start again. And because I’m going to make a conscious effort to change. I am choosing to make the choices that will lead me to the life I want to lead.

Here goes nothing!

Ps- sorry for the novelish post. I promise to hold back on my long winded-ness!


Everything I thought I knew about weightloss… February 1, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 10:48 pm

…is really nothing. I’m still losing weight- but I’m noticing a truly bizarre pattern.¬† Okay, so I have lost weight every day this week except for Friday (up .5 pounds from the day before) and Sunday (today- up 1 pound from the day before). Now, weight fluctuates. I know that. But here’s what’s strange- Thursday I went to the gym and Saturday I walked Lucy for a little over an hour. Every other day this week, I walked Lucy for 30 minutes, or not at all. I even ate out at Chevy’s (without much portion control) on Friday night.

So now I’m wondering if going to the gym or doing a “thorough” workout is impeding, rather than helping, my weightloss at this point. I’ve NEVER lost weight this quickly (tomorrow morning will be my official loss for the week- right now I’m at 5 pounds in 6 days) and I’ve never not worked out pretty hard, or atleast pretty thoroughly, as part of my weightloss effort. So, I’m wondering if I should just take it easy until my weightloss stalls, or if I should start going back to the gym and hitting it like normal, because it is a habit I’m going to need later on anyway? Anyone? Input is always welcome- I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do.

But, things are going well. Took Lucy for a nice long walk yesterday and really enjoyed it. I wish I could do that every day, but in our hippy dippy enjoy-the-stars-without-streetlights mountain ambiance, it just isn’t possible when I get home from work. It’s still light for awhile now when I’m home, but the coyotes have been especially active lately and I’m just not interested in playing that game.

Tonight I did a bunch of cooking- made asian chicken lettuce wraps, crab rangoons, and Philly rolls for lunches this week. I think I’m going to have omelettes the next 2 nights, have pulld BBQ chicken sandwiches on Wed, and some salmon on Thursday. Sticking with the PB toast and milk for breakfasts this week since it worked so well last week, and was so much easier than my usual.


Anyways, I’m exhausted! (Though I’m finally close to kicking this stupid cold!) So I’m off to bed!


How the…? January 29, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 11:28 pm

So, I didn’t really want to weigh in this morning. Just had a bad feeling about the whole thing. But, I stepped on, and…. lost another half pound. What? How in the world have I lost another half a pound? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not complaining! But, wow. Somehow, I have managed to lose 4.5 pounds since Monday morning. Which is really pretty unreal. But I guess it’s just proof that my body REALLY does NOT want to be this size, and isn’t supposed to be.

Oddly enough, the whole thing has made me almost superstitious. “Well, if I’m losing this quickly with just walking a day and not going to the gym, maybe I shouldn’t go to the gym” “Maybe I should have¬†a cold all the time!” “I must eat the same exact foods everyday for the rest of my life!” Obviously, I don’t really ascribe to these, but let’s face it- weight loss efforts AND weight loss can do some screwy things to our heads!

So today was pretty good- it certainly started off on a good note ūüôā Drank all my water (and have been peeing enough to prove it!) Things got a little screwy at lunch though. Decided to eat out with the hubs, picked a restaurant we hadn’t been to yet but had a good menu and sits right on the lake. Looked at the menu beforehand and decided on some Thai chicken¬†lettuce¬†wraps. Yum! Except that, we got there and the service was super slow (think, crickets) and just didn’t have the time. So, we had to make a last minute decision- and went for Chinese. But, I had the broccoli beef and¬†just a little bit of my fried rice. I still have tons of lefotvers. Score! Fell victim to a chocolate chip cookie during our afternoon meeting, but I let myself have it because I’d been craving something sweet all afternoon.

Made it home, changed clothes, and headed to the gym. Cranked out 45 on the elli, couldn’t manage¬†any weights because I couldn’t decide on upper or lower body. Came hoem to my crockpot soup. I mean- mush. I added too much rice, and let it cook too long,¬†so¬†it turned to,¬†well, mush. Tried some anyway. Ehh, yeah. Ended up hungry later (wonder why!) so I made an egg¬†sandwich with light cheese on light wheat bread. Admittedly, I’m still a bit hungry. But I’m at my calorie limit for the day so, there. ūüôā

Well, I’m off for more crappy reality tv with the hubs (didn’t stick to the 2 hour rule tonight….) Let’s jsut hope we can keep up the momentum! (and that I’m not too scared to weigh in tomorrow- the good luck has got to end sometime!)¬†


That’s better. January 28, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 10:37 pm

So, I’m not 100%, but I’ve crawled out of the hole. I’m feeling better, and today was a pretty good success. Ate well within my calories, even though I had to do a last minute switch (had Subway for dinner after I forgot to add the rice to my crockpot soup) I was even good- I wanted a hot pastrami or an Italian BMT, but had a roast beef with sweet onion dressing- very good, I might add.

Got in all 8 glasses of water plus some extra, walked Lucy for 45 minutes at lunch, and there’s no way I’d be able to watch 2 hours of TV tonight if I wanted to.

Tonight’s youth group went much better than last week’s. Hallelujah! (Last week had a couple near fights, a few kids that showed up drunk… all that fun stuff) So on that note, I’m going to spend a nice evening with the hubs before bed! Keep going ladies- you’re all rocking this!


What the…?

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 8:36 am

So yesterday was a no good, rotten, very bad day. Remember that hole I wanted to crawl into? Well, I did it.¬† I was home sick and feeling pretty crappy. So, needless to say, I didn’t get my exercise in. And I watched more than 2 hours of TV, which was really more like staring at it with the glazed over eyes of a head cold coma. But, I did get in my 8 glasses of water (getting up to pee was probsbly the only thing that kept me from simply sleeping until the end of time) and I ate under my calories. (Too much sleeping leaves little time for eating)

So anyway, I weighed in at 210 yesterday, a loss of three pounds from the day before. I attributed this to weighing in later in the day (10 am instead of 7), but on a still completely empty stomach and bladder.

Today, I weighed in at 209.5. Huh? Who knew sleeping lead to weight loss?! But, I’m certainly not complaining! ūüôā


We’ll call it a wash. January 26, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 9:11 pm

Today was both good and not good. I ate well, and kind of exercised. Failed miserably on my TV goal, and didn’t get in any strength training. In all fairness, I actually had to come home early because I was feeling so gosh darned crappy. And, I haven’t really watched much TV- it’s been on in the background while I was realtively comatose on the couch.

Breakfast was peanut butter toast, some milk, and a yogurt.

I snacked on some veggies and ranch and a handful of blackberries. I’m actually really proud of this. Yesterday I made a bold move at Costco and bought a bag of sweet mini peppers. I don’t like peppers. Well, to be correct, in my head, I don’t like peppers. They taste just fine.¬† So, I got them, and ate them. It’s hard, because even though I enjoy the tatse something in my head is going “ACK! Spit it out!!” But, I ate them and¬†broadened my horizons. Woot! Same thing with the blackberries. In my head I don’t like them. In real life, the seeds drive me nuts. But, one of my coworkers told me to just not bite down when you chew and they won’t be a problem. It’s a bit odd- I do feel like I’m gumming my food- but they taste good and I get around the seeds. ūüôā

Lunch was alright. I made a roasted garlic and cauliflower soup (after having some that was DELISH) but my version was pretty meh. Also had a baked potato with broccoli and light sour cream, a side salad, and some melon.

For dinner, I had some roast chicken and veggies. Luckily, I had thought to crockpot both. The chicken was AMAZING! and super easy. The veggies- eh. Just wasn’t feeling them tonight so I had another baked potato

Also had my standard mini nilla wafers and some milk for dessert.


Actually wish I could have gone to the gym tonight. But, as it is, I just want to find a warm hole to crawl into and die. Here’s hoping tomorrow feels better…


Here we go! January 25, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 10:46 pm

Well, I was hoping to get back on track last week but my brother in law came into town and well… we ate out every single meal for an entire week. I can’t even explain how disgusting that is. Though, in some ways, it was actually really good for my weightloss efforts. How is that when I’m now bulging out of my pants? I have no desire to eat out. In fact, I’ve been craving lean protein and veggies for a couple days now. And, it’s really shown me that I don’t truly enjoy “bad” foods as much as I think I do.

But, now that that crap is out of the way, I’m ready to get this thing going. Admittedly, I still don’t feel particularly motivated.¬† I’m actually fighting a gnarly cold and generally feeling pretty crappy. But, I’m just going to do it. If I don’t do it now, I never will, so here goes!¬†I’m starting a new challenge with the sister tomorrow, and throwing in some personal goals as well.

For the challenge with the sister, I will do the following for 21 days with 2 pauses: Track my calories, drink 64 oz of water daily, and exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes (except for Wednesdays for me and Tuesdays for her).¬† And, for 50 days, NO FAST FOOD! That’s right. No more heart attack in a sack.

And for my own personal satisfaction: I’m going to start walking Lucy at lunch everyday for half an hour (which I need to do for her just as much as I need to do for myself), and I’m cutting back on the TV- no more than 2 hours a day unless I’m exercising while I watch.¬† I’m also adding in a minimum of 15 minutes of strength training a day as well. I’m sure more will be added to this later…

Well, I’d love to write more, but I spent 2+ hours prepping, chopping, cooking, etc. and I am BEAT! But, thank you, lovely ladies for all your support and encouragement to get my (big) butt back here!



It’s 2009 and I’m still fat. January 12, 2009

Filed under: General — neverperfect @ 10:16 am

Well, the toothless guy from the gym and I ran off to Bali where I promptly gained weight to fit the village’s goddess ideal.


Or, I got sloppy and the pounds climbed back on. I’m weighing in at 212 now. Eek. But, enough is enough.¬† I haven’t felt like working out. Or dieting, or even losing weight. I’ve really just been very apathetic towards the whole situation. Still am, actually. So, I’m going at it old school Nike style- Just Do It. If I wait until I feel like doing this, I won’t. Or until I’m less busy- I won’t be. Or until the stars align perfectly and rainbows come out of my ears… you get the picture. There is always going to be something in the way, even if it is just me. So, I’m just going to keep going. I hope that at some point I’ll feel excited about it, or desire to be healthy. But for now, I’m just going to drag my psyche along for the ride.


Don’t have time for details now- but I’ll write later. And thanks for all the encouragement!


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