Disappointed in myself.

7 Oct 2012 In: Negative, Uncategorized

I could have reached my goal twice over by now but instead, I’ve been maintaining for the past 5 months. I suppose that’s something…last time I lost weight, I think I only lasted two or three months before I began putting weight back on. But still – I haven’t plateaued, I’ve just gotten lazy.

My co-workers introduced me to iced lattes…that hasn’t helped…

I have access to my roommate’s bathroom scale. That definitely hasn’t helped…

I have more money and I’ve spent too much of it on pizza…one of the few downsides to living near civilization and not in the country – easy access to treats.

I’ve worked out 3 of the past 4 days but not enough to make up for the crap I’m feeding myself.

Some part of me is insisting that I rest here, I’ve done enough, just rest here. But I know I don’t like how heavy my thighs are, I don’t like the bit of fat I carry around my midsection, and I want to get physically tougher. The part of me that is happy to rest on its laurels needs cut out like a cancer.

Lonely Girl

25 Feb 2012 In: Negative

I’ve lost 5 more pounds which brings me to a grand total of ~20 pounds lost. That’s a lot but I’ve still got a ways to go. Thankfully, it doesn’t bother me too much. Because I only work out here and there, it feels like I’m just waiting for my bathtub to drain or my food to cool down, something mundane that simply takes time.

I had my last class Thursday and since then, things have gone downhill for me emotionally. Quite simply, I feel alone. I broke up with my ex in June of 2011 and we’ve tried to reconcile a number of times but it’s just not happening. We haven’t been physically in the same place for well over a year so even when we were still “together” it could be painful. So I haven’t actually had a stable companion for a year and a half or more. No one to hug, to fall asleep beside, wake up next to, kiss, walk with…I’ve been alone every step of the way.

I’ve tried to find someone new but have failed at every turn. Several of the men who have approached me thus far have been controlling to a rather extreme extent given how little time we spent together. One was giving me lectures and bossing me around within two weeks. Another is currently trying to push me into moving back home and is acting like we’ve already been dating for years (“Well I’m not moving to New York!” Who the hell asked him to?!). I don’t know why I attract this kind of male, I really don’t.

I found one guy that I really liked back in July/August. He’s since gone back to his ex so I’ve known him for 6 months now and have nothing to show for it except heartache. I found a second that I’d be interested in getting to know but he doesn’t seem to be interested in more than friendship based on what I’ve seen so far. Even just talking to him online and listening to him communicate with another girl with ease was enough to sting. I can talk through text just fine, I was even able to introduce myself in person, but I become so quiet when other people are around, even on voice chat programs, so I said I’d be back around later and logged off to be on my own. =(

I asked to see him before I go home and he said we’d work something out but I’m not holding my breath. He hasn’t brought it up again so I’m not going to say anything. I think I’ll just finish things up here Tuesday and either drag my sorry butt back home Wednesday or Thursday without bothering to say anything. I wish I could just focus on myself, I wish I could lose myself in my books, in music, in video games, in working out, and just forget that I’ll be going to bed alone…again…and waking up the same way. I keep thinking…if I lost weight I’d actually have a choice. For the first time in almost 5 years, I’d have a choice of who I want to see again… I know that probably sounds bad but when I was thin, I actually had options and I wasn’t hurting for companionship like I am now. I just don’t think I’m good enough as I am.

Jumped the rails, but back on track!

18 Feb 2012 In: Positive

My body has finally recovered from its wheat-induced coma and I’m back on track. My calorie intake is back at a relatively normal level – still somewhat low but getting there – and I had a great workout today. I did upper body and core work with my trainer and then walked for 40 minutes while I read some homework.

I still have a long way to go until I reach my goal but for now, my mini-goal is reaching 154 so that I’m no longer overweight. About two or three weeks ago, I was 165 but I don’t think I’ve lost much since then. If I’m lucky I’d say I’m weighing in at 162 at the lowest but I’m not going to check for a few more weeks so that I won’t become obsessed with the number. I’d just love to be able to say, “I’m healthy…I’m legitimately in the healthy range now…” I have, at most, 11 more pounds to go, maybe a few less if I’m lucky. I can do it! I’ve got this and definitely before graduation. =D

Not eating, still full.

15 Feb 2012 In: Negative

I’m frustrated. It’s the end of the quarter, one more week to go, and I’m swamped. What’s even worse is that ever since I accidentally overate at Subway I’ve had trouble getting back on track. I’ve felt bloated for at least two days now that I can remember – I’m so stressed that I can’t even keep my days straight – and I’m constantly afraid of the damage I did to my body even though I know it wasn’t that big of a deal. I think the reason I feel this way is because I feel so gross physically. I’ve been up for almost 12 hours now and I’ve had the following: 3 packets of cranberries & almonds, two bottles of water, and one cup of coffee. I’m not hungry. I bought two bowls of soup for later just in case and even skipped on the crackers but I’m just not hungry. My stomach feels huge and it’s making me feel anxious.

I really need to get active again. I think it will help. I need to schedule at least half an hour of exercise a day just to keep me going at this point. I’ve been dragging for two weeks and that’s not good. I keep trying to cut time so I can work and when I get a spare moment I hate to go running to the gym, it feels like more work. But after going on hiatus for two weeks, I feel like I need that time desperately.

When you eat too much…

11 Feb 2012 In: Negative

I overate yesterday and today without even realizing it. I ate Subway both days and when I tried to calculate the number of calories in my sandwich, I must have missed pressing a button and came up with a number that is waaaay lower than what my sub actually contained. So I went a little crazy and then thought, “This can’t be right…” I checked the calorie content again and, sure enough, I’ve consumed approximately 1600 calories these past two days. Son of a…

Time to burn, burn, burn. Taebo, walking, situps, band work, anything!!!

WTB more hours in the day!

7 Feb 2012 In: Negative

I’m finding it difficult to work out these days. I’m nearing the end of my quarter so I’ve got a lot of work to keep up on and, in some cases, catch up on. I’m tired, my sleeping pattern is effed all to hell and back, and all I can keep thinking is, “Almost there…just survive this…”

I’m not letting the stress get in the way of eating healthy, at least not too much. I’ve had a few minor slips here and there but, overall, nothing to worry about. I am, however, considering raising my calorie intake from 1200 to 1500 but I’m not sure if I should if I’m not working out.

Ooooooh, I just want a nap!

Please label things clearly…

5 Feb 2012 In: Negative

I’m a little frustrated. I track my calorie intake on FitDay pretty closely. I have about a dozen or more customized foods that I come back to on a daily basis. Everything goes in my diary, absolutely everything. I don’t find it disruptive because of how simple it is and I like looking at all the stats.

Well, today I realized that the restaurant here screwed me up. They separate their salad dressings by kind – Ranch, French, Italian, etc. – but failed to separate them by regular or lite. So now I have no idea what I’ve been eating and only just now realized there are different kinds. I thought all they had was regular, the packets are nearly identical. This is a difference of 80 calories a packet and it kind of agitates me that I’ve been accounting for X number of calories when I could have had 80 to 160 more on some days. That’s one or two packs of yogurt I could have had when hungry later in the day. That is kind of a big deal when your stomach is grumbling and you think that stupid salad dressing you had earlier cost you a snack later.

I think it irritates me as much as it does because this place doesn’t have much to offer in the way of healthy meals to begin with. They have a set menu that isn’t anything special and even my RA has said that she’s bored with it…she’s only lived here one or two quarters! Try living here for years! Oiy… Just one more stupid mistake.


5 Feb 2012 In: Negative

Mkay, so I can’t return the bands or the WW package because I lost the receipt. Sweet.

*deep breath* Dooooon’t panic…

I’m still on track with my calorie intake but I’m falling off of my exercise regimen. I’m kind of frustrated, sick of classes, stressed out, lonely…Valentine’s Day this year is going to suck. I was in a relationship with someone for 4 years but he cheated on me so I called it quits. We’ve tried reconciling and he’s begged for me to come back but it’s hard…especially when I think I’ve fallen for someone else in the last 5 months… Unfortunately, that guy will be spending time with his on-again, off-again girlfriend while only seeing me sporadically and then disappearing again. I get the feeling that he’s at least a little interested but isn’t sure that he wants to let go of his girlfriend regardless of what else might be going on there. Lucky, I wish someone would hold onto me like I matter…

Oh well. Maybe things will work out between them. Or maybe he’ll be wishing he hadn’t overlooked me later. >.<

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my mind focused. I had a pretty heavy workout with my trainer on Friday and my back is still sore as a result. I took last night off so tonight I think I’ll just settle for walking and reading.

Not feeling Weight Watchers BB&T

4 Feb 2012 In: Miscellaneous

I’m contemplating returning the WW product as I’ve found myself generally uninterested in the DVD portion of the package. I’ve also found no use for the inflatable ring it came with. I’d rather get a better quality swiss ball and call it a day…

I definitely need to return the bands I got because none of them fit on any of the doors in my room. Too bad, I was excited to use those…

I ate at least a baker’s dozen!

31 Jan 2012 In: Silly

Oh, wow.

My Mom made a bunch of cookies, really good, soft cookies. I ate one and then grabbed for another. That wasn’t enough so I grabbed a few more. By the time I was done I’d consumed at least a baker’s dozen of cookies!

I felt so bad, so bloated. I started trying to figure up how many calories I’d consumed, started wondering how I was going to make up for that kind of damage…

…and then I woke up.

Worst. Nightmare. Ever. @[email protected]

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