In pain

3 Jan 2009 In: General

My arthritis is acting up and its pissing me off.  I want to go to the gym and get back on track, but right now the pain is keeping me home.  So many people who are healthy and able choose to do nothing.  I dont want to do nothing, I want to do SOMETHING and I cant, and its not fair.  **STOMPING FEET** sorry, had to have  a little temper tantrum.  In all seriousness though, it is really messing with my mental state of mind.    I find myself wanting to say “to heck with it all, I cant do it anyway so why bother” but I know if I actually follow through with that I am only going to gain everything back and be right where I started a year ago.  Im already up a couple sizes since thanksgiving and I feel myself bulking up and I HATE it.    Yet, I cant work out because of my stupid body so it pisses me off! UAAUGH!

So this is Christmas…

26 Dec 2008 In: General, pics, struggling, weigh in

and I have gained back some weight over the holidays.  WAY more then I intended and I am mad at myself for allowing myself to fall into my old habits.  I am back up to 160.  I really really have to nip it now because I DO NOT want to go back to being 230.  So I was feeling all depressed about my weight gain this past month but then when I put the pictures from the morning onto my computer I realized I still look a lot better now then I did exactly one year ago.  So, I have decided to post my pics as a reminder that even if I have lost track for a little bit, I am NOT where I started.  So, my goal for 2009 in terms of weight loss is to get to 145, and then MAINTAIN IT!

December 2007


December 2008


I reached my goal!

10 Sep 2008 In: General

I weighed in at 149.8 today! I cant believe it! I have not been this weight since I was 16! 

I am still wearing 12/14’s though so I am now going to start aiming for 140 and see if that helps the tummy area.

not weight loss related

18 Aug 2008 In: General

I just want to run away right now. Run away from my life.


I understand now why my mom did.

updated pic of me

17 Aug 2008 In: General

Here is a pic of me from a couple weeks ago.  I bought this new outfit and was feeling pretty good.  First is a pic from before (about 10 months ago).

starting pic


Wow, the summer is almost over!

17 Aug 2008 In: General

I cant believe we are already at the 17th of August.  Time has really flown by this summer.  I am more then ready for the kids to go back to school though.  They are getting bored, and I am going crazy with the whining and fighting between them all. 

Not much to report in terms of weight loss.   I am kind of at a stand still.  Im ok with it though, at least for now.  My goal at the beginning of the summer was to not gain, and while I did gain a bit camping, I lost it within a week of being home.  I am at 155.2 this morning.  My plan is to try to start losing again in the fall.  I have been hovering around 155 for a little over a month now and really I dont see that as a bad thing.  Summer is filled with lots of extra treats (bbq’s, icecream) that kind of thing and a girl has to live! lol  Besides, with the kids home I just have not been able to get to the Y.  Also now I am working from 1-6 mon-fri so I dont have as much time as I did before.  I hope I can get into a good routine come september.

I am planning to go to a cycling class in a few minutes, so better run.

you still need to live

23 Jul 2008 In: General

I’ve noticed how easy it has become to be obsessed about every morsel of food that I ingest.  I dont like that feeling, it makes me feel like food is in control and I dont like that.  There will always be parties that include foods I may not eat on a regular basis, but I don tlike that panicky feeling that I get when I think about the calories or fat that is in it.  I should be free to eat it no matter what it is because it is something I would not normally eat, and I dont need to have a lot of it.  It’s simple right?  So why do I get so stressed out about food??  I love food.  I love everything about it from the taste, to the texture, to the feeling of being full.  I am addicted to it really.  The thing about a food addiction is that you can’t cut it out of your life like you can drugs or alcohol.  You still need to eat to live.  Some days I find that it is getting easier, other days I think I can NOT keep doing this.  Planning meals, making lunches, it works…but it is mentally exhausting sometimes.  I have been so tempted the last few weeks to pull up to a drivethru and just go for it.  But I know that will put me right back where I was 7 months ago…and I do NOT want to go there…yet I still want to eat that food.  This is SO hard.  Harder then anything I have done, and even though I am thrilled with the results sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough to keep me wanting that food.

It seems SO simple.  Eat less, choose better foods, exercise.  And it works….but why does it have to be SO hard all the time??  Right now I want nothing more then to go to timmy’s and order one of their sausage, egg, cheese english muffin things and have a big iced cap with it.  It’s probably the equivilant to about a 3/4 day worth of cal’s…but I miss it!  The thing about doing that is it could easily send me into a downward spiral and bad choices.  You know what I mean?  You get a taste of it and instead of satisfying you it just makes things worse because you just want more of it. 

AHHHHHHH Im hungry!!

Another weigh in day

27 Jun 2008 In: weigh in

I weighed in this morning at 161 pounds.  I was so excited to see that number, I think that is the lowest I have been in 10 years.  Its a good feeling!  I can wait to step on the scale and have it tell me I am 15something.  That will be awesome, and I hope to see it by the end of July.  I dont think I have been in the 150’s since I was a teenager.

 I’ve been worried about how I was going to get to the gym during the summer, but a friend of mine and I were talking and decided that once a week I will watch her kids in the morning, and then she will watch mine in the afternoon.  That takes care of one day a week.  My mil also said she will watching them once morning a week, so that gives me 2 days a week.  My dh is home on the weekends so I could go on saturday and/or on sunday which gives me 3-4 days a week which is great! That is what I have been doing, so even with the kids home for the summer I can continue to go to the gym and I have no excuse.

 I totally have the munchies right now.  I want nothing more then to make some popcorn, but the kind that we have in the house is the buttery flavor and its pretty high in cals/fat.  I have been meaning to pick up some of the lighter kind, just I keep forgetting.

 Im signing off now…nothing exciting to say. lol

I can’t get motivated

12 Jun 2008 In: General, struggling

I have been feeling lazy all week and I just have not been able to push myself to the gym.  I was suppose to go yesterday…and I didnt so I said I would go today…well I didnt.  I spent the morning cleaning, mopping, doing laundry trying to catch up on the house things and while thoughs things NEEDED to be done I still feel like I used them as an excuse not to work out.  I do NOT want to go back to the way I was so why am I so not wanting to work out right now?  Even food has been harder then it has been before to control.  I want all the things that I have not really had…like the full fat pizza, and the burgers.  It’s taking a lot of energy just to say no to the food and I am not always successful at that either. 

 I think I am going to stop trying to lose weight for the summer and focus on just maintaining where I am now.  I know that having my kids home everyday is going to stop me from working out the way I have been anyway, and I think this might be a good break for my body, and a test for me. 

 I wish I could be one of those people who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain an ounce.  My sisters are like that and if you combine their weights together they STILL do not weigh what my starting weight was. Scary eh?  I think I must have gotten my dads genes (thanks roll eyes). 

 Anyway, Im having a blah day and just not motivated to do anything really.  So, while my cleaning is done…I just dont have that extra energy to work otu.

Weigh in day

6 Jun 2008 In: weigh in

I was expecting disaster.  I had a BAD food binge this past weekend and I was feeling crappy because of TOM all week so I didn’t get many workouts in.  I was SHOCKED when I weighed in at 166.6.  Holy crap, that was two and a half pounds down from last week and during TOM to boot!  Anyway, Im thrilled about it and my total so far is 63.6 pounds down.  WOOHOO!

from the inside out