17thAugust

Absence

Just a quick note to explain the lack of activity around here.

About a week ago I came to the decision to seek counselling again for my eating disorder. I guess to be honest my grip on ‘recovery’ or ‘remission’ from bulimia/excessive purging was only tenuous at best, and I found that recently I have been relapsing into too many old, negative habits. Mentally/emotionally, I was developing an aversion to food and the effects it has on the body, but at the same time I’d still want to eat, sometimes almost compulsively. Leading to some behaviour I’m not proud of.

One of the things that my counsellor asked me to do, is to reduce the amount of pressure I place on myself regarding weight loss and my eating habits. I’m working on only weighing myself monthly, and only journalling my food intake for short periods… I need to focus less on the technical aspects of weight loss and more on healing the emotions behind what I do.I want to do it without taking any medication, which adds another dimension of difficulty!

I’m writing a lot of private posts here, because it’s as good a place as any … nothing worth sharing at the moment, though. I hope to stick around in some capacity because I love this community. Just wanted to post an update and wish you all the best 😀 ((hugs))

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

THIS SUMMER, DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,Good gosh, look how smart I am…….. ”

I love it!

-Comment received from classmate I haven’t seen since June today. Very gratifying!

I had a looooooong day of classes today. Did a tough oral assessment today and did it VERY well by my own estimation. We had to say something called a mihi, in Māori, from memory with perfect pronunciation. Yikes! Māori is a fascinating language and I love learning it but it’s intimidating.

Can’t say my eating was too flash today. But I’ll get back on track soon enough I am sure.
Breakfast: Bowl of high-fibre cereal, splash of milk. Nonfat latte.
Snacks: Full-fat latte (bought by a friend, couldn’t refuse, didn’t really enjoy), 18g Rice Wheels, Weight Watchers muffin bar
Lunch: (this is where it gets REALLY bad LOL) Nonfat latte, large all-natural very fattening chocolate chip cookie – was a fundraiser at uni being sold by elementary school kids.
Dinner: Small portion vegetable risotto (no added fat), low fat plain naan bread
Snack: Weight Watchers ice cream, 1 chocolate biscuit

Exercise: 45min walking
Water: 2.5 liters (it’s very stuffy and dry at university, I always drink 3-4 bottles in class)

There was an article on fat acceptance and health at any size in the paper here today. We were talking about it at lunch, and some of the girls in my class – heavier girls – were saying that they were really into the idea and they’d never been happier etc etc. Everyone knows I’ve been trying to get my weight under control and I really felt they were looking at me as they talked about “wasting your life obsessing about diet and weight”… I really admire women who genuinely subscribe to the fat acceptance movement, and who are truly, vibrantly, live-life-to-the-max happy regardless of their weight. I tried it myself, but I just don’t feel happy being really big. It’s kind of weird being in this “middle ground” of not being a normal-weight person, OR a big person who’s happy that way. I kind of felt like I was getting a kind of discrimination from both sides today… that kind of pitying “oh you poor thing, I’ve never struggled with my weight” thing from the slender women, and “You’re a traitor, are you saying fat is a bad thing?!” from the FA crowd. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t I guess!

Found my short-lived attempt at a food diary from January this year in my old laptop bag this morning. I recorded my weight as 114.9kg/253lb (and was panicking at being thisclose to my highest ever recorded weight!) so if you go on that number I’ve lost almost 15kg this year…14.4kg or nearly 32lb. That’s pretty cool; I’m doing the old “32 packets of butter” visualisation and that’s a LOT.

I’m going to try to have a good day tomorrow. I don’t have any healthy food on hand really to take to classes, just apples and a Weight Watchers bar, but I’m going to try to get in to the cafe early and grab something good before it’s all gone. I’m going to wear my skinny black pants so that I am ‘body conscious’; it’s a good mind trick to help remind me to make better choices when I’m not really “switched on”.

Oh dear… it’s way past my bedtime… time to wind up this ramble!!
Take care everyone.
🙂

12thAugust

*sigh*

In the interests of full and honest disclosure: I had a binge tonight. It was somewhat planned and deliberate, to the extent that I bought the stuff and brought it home intending to eat it. Just overcome with stress, anxiety, etc etc. Chocolate biscuits (6), 70% cocoa dark chocolate (6 squares), corn chips (quite a lot).
🙁

(no not break FROM sanity LOL I’m still hanging in there!)

ARGH WTH is going on here?! I keep trying to put the vid for Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” in here.

Lyrics | Miley Cyrus lyricsThe Climb lyrics

I go mental dancing around my newly clean, light and airy lounge room belting this song at the top of my lungs. I’m certain to anyone passing by it sounds like a herd of elephants being tortured.
(STILL with the self-deprecating humour… it’s my stock in trade.)

Nothing exciting going on here except I feel like I’m always going a mile a minute. And my body’s screaming out for some kind of relief – muscle tension, joint aches, pain like ya wouldn’t believe. I need a massage or SOMETHING!! LOL

I’m probably not exactly burning fat at the speed of light right now but I’m trying to make each choice a good choice as I make it. Lots of veges, good portion sizes, lots of walking etc etc. So I might lose this week but I might just as easily maintain..

I’m at University the next two days so I’m spending today trying to put enough time-saving measures in place that I don’t lose my mind by Friday. I’ve made the packed lunches for flatmate and Miss E for both days and put them in airtight bags in the fridge. I’ve laid out two days worth of clothes for Miss E. (Not sure my flatmate would appreciate me doin the same for him!! LOL) I’ve arranged a reliable ride for both days. Haven’t packed my own food yet so that’s the next challenge. *sigh*

High points this week: Yesterday I went as parent helper on the preschool trip to the International Antarctic Centre and met a real penguin. And the California Beauty Slim n Lift shapewear I bought online on Friday night when I was a bit tipsy arrived yesterday morning and they are MAGIC. And I found a pair of jeans under my bed the other day that I didn’t even know I had and they look HOT. LMAO!!

My head’s full of interesting stuff I need to think over but I’m not nearly ‘centred’ enough to blog about them coherently!! There’s someone I’ve known a LONG time through thick and thin and numerous unsuccessful attempts at a relationship… we went out Saturday night… and I realised that we’ve BOTH changed a lot and I still like him a lot. I’m trying to figure out, before I stick my giant size 12 in my mouth, whether a.) I like him for the right reasons and b.) is it the right time to say anything? and c.) what the hell doI say anyway?

Argh!! *facepalm* *headdesk*

LMAO

((hugs)) all, hope your week’s going well!!

Breakfast:
Protein shake – 3 scoops low carb powder, 250ml nonfat milk, 1tsp dark cocoa powder
25ml aloe juice w/pineapple & mallow
3 caps chromium supplement

3 cups instant coffee w/ nonfat milk

Lunch
25ml aloe juice as above
Protein shake – 3 scoops powder, 250ml nonfat milk, 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

Snack
Picnic chocolate bar
Small nonfat latte (home-made)

Dinner
2 Baked glazed sausage (made w/ organic farm-raised venison and lamb + seasonings, no fillers), apple & onion
Mashed potato with garlic (mashed w/nonfat milk & chicken stock)
Steamed green beans

Exercise: Just housework and 1.5 hours spent moving all the furniture around in my lounge. The room looks 3 times bigger now! W00t!

Happy today because I got my assignment in on time. On to the next one which is a 1500 word essay on inclusive curriculum. Yikes! In fact it’s just one assignment after another for the next couple of months. Plenty to keep me busy!

Also happy because I got my espresso machine out of storage today. I haven’t used it in over a year and I suddenly thought what the heck, our place is cluttered enough as it is, one more bit of clutter won’t kill me.

Hey folks!
It’s been a pretty hectic week here, the family have needed a lot of love and attention and so has my schoolwork. I’ve been behaving the best I can but I will admit I have just been treated to a delicious steak dinner so it’s not been all virtue LOL.

I’m not “off plan” really, but I’ll be back being extra-good on Monday after my big assignment is handed in 😀 I’ve got to start tracking again! The next few months are going to be MAD and it might be the only thing that keeps me sane and on-track.

5thAugust

Reward time

I told myself 12 weeks ago that I would NOT eat fish and chips again til I’d lost 10kg.
I know, I have eaten pizza and stuff on rare occasions and they’re not that healthy either, but to me fish and chips are like the pinnacle of indulgent takeaway dinners so they’re kind of something to be ‘earned’. I’m going to enjoy a moderate portion tonight for dinner and then I will look forward to having some when I have reached 15kg lost!

🙂

5thAugust

Exciting!

I got on the scale today: 100.5kg.

Last Friday I was 101.9kg.

This is AMAZING. I hope it sticks. It’s kind of odd, because I have been eating a lot of calories this week. Healthy calories, but still a lot. Plenty of exercise but not strenuous, just sustained periods of walking. If this isn’t some freakish full-moon thing, I could be under 100kg in under a week!

(100.5kg also puts me over 10kg lost!)

Don’t wanna say any more. Don’t wanna jinx it!
😛