Low self-esteem

June 12th, 2013

I’m a bit stressed these days. I’m trying to coordinate a move so that I can leave my current residence, which I’m still on the lease for until January, and move in with my boyfriend. Well, I was coordinating it…then I became so obsessive that I offloaded the job on my boyfriend. He’s wonderful though, he took over without any complaint and has done a great job.

My roommate has started us on a workout routine so that we can both get in better shape. We’re about the same height – she might be a bit taller than me – but we’re both far from being thin and fit. She’s about 150 pounds but very strong. I’m 135 but I’m fairly weak. I’m thinner but not thin so what’s the point?

She kicked my ass yesterday. We jogged .42 miles to the gym, jogged another .58 miles on the treadmill, then did a bunch of leg and core exercises. I’m so sore today, I grunt and groan every time I walk or bend over.

Then, this morning, we jogged part of the way to the gym – we had to take a break halfway there, we hurt too much xD – and went straight into arm exercises. It was tough, I’m certain I’ll hurt tomorrow. I can’t even recall everything we did. She grouped three different exercises into one “set” so that we’d do two run throughs and then take a break. So, say like…X of one exercise, Y of another, then Z of another, then repeat that. After that, we’d take a short break and do the same framework again, just with three different exercises.

At the very end, a guy came in which made my roommate nervous so we finished our core stuff at home. 30 situps, 50 crunches, 30 slow bicycle kicks, and a few other things. I was in so much pain, let me tell you… If it weren’t for the fact that my dog needed to pee, I’d have stayed on that floor for at least 10 minutes.

We’re also going to start rock climbing Friday. I’m intimidated but I’m so sick of being lazy. I’ve sat at 133 to 135 pounds for literally months now. There’s no excuse for having not reached the 120’s by now except for pure laziness on my part. Historically, I’ve only done cardio so my roommate is really kicking my rump with strength training and I think rock climbing will be the ultimate for toning up.

Oh, and speaking of my dog…I went downstairs to find that he’d gotten hold of a pen and was chewing it. Ink everywhere. I spent an hour cleaning it up and I’m still not certain that it’s gone. I got most of it but it took half a can of hairspray, 5 glasses of water, and an entire roll of paper towels. I could have spanked his little ass, I was so mad. I settled for telling him he was a bad dog and putting him in his crate instead…

I haven’t gotten nearly enough work done today and I feel so unattractive I don’t even want to leave the house. But I have to, I’m seeing another apartment with my boyfriend this evening so I’m going to have to suck it up and keep my nerves in check.


June 3rd, 2013

I’ve gained two pounds since I last weighed myself which isn’t a huge deal but I need to put a stop to it fast. I’ve been eating out a lot, mostly because my boyfriend and I have been having so much fun together. We don’t really think much of it. It’s never expensive food but it’s almost always junk…

Things have stabilized since my last entry and we no longer have any problems. At least not within our relationship although we have pretty standard problems outside our relationship to deal with – disapproving family, finances, work, etc..

I still haven’t found any work since losing my job at the end of April. I have to apply for welfare tomorrow and fight to get unemployment because everyone else can seem to get it while I’m being put through the ringer. I’m burning through my savings because, thus far, I have received no help and almost no job leads. I’m either over qualified or under qualified. Any job I’d gladly take to pay my bills doesn’t want me because they know that with my background, I’m not staying permanently. My college education is actually, at times, a hindrance.

My dog is driving me nuts on top of things. He’s got an ear infection and both of his eyes are infected. To remedy the problem as well as get him more flea and tick meds plus heart worm meds, I had to drop $180. He’s also running around the house destroying things no matter how many times I reprimand him. I feel bad about it but at the same time, I’m frustrated that I’ve had him for 4 months now but no one has learned anything. I get that he’s my dog but if you value your belongings, you would still take precautions like, for example, shutting your bedroom door in case he runs upstairs. I can’t watch him every second of every day, some accommodations have to be made. They agreed to me getting the dog, I’d really appreciate it if we could do this the easy way rather than the hard way. Shutting your door and puttings things out of his reach could mean the difference between keeping your items intact and losing them entirely.

Today began like any other day – I was in my room with the door open so he could come and go as he pleased. My roommate was downstairs, he was on the floor playing with his toys. But my roommate decided to go shopping and didn’t tell me so I never knew he was unattended on the bottom floor. I go downstairs to get a drink and there he is, chewing a wooden elephant statue her Dad had bought her for her birthday… I can’t replace that. I could give her money, if I had much – neither of us does at the present moment – but it wouldn’t change the fact that it’s destroyed.

If I had more time in the living room, I’d sit with him myself – it’s not a difficult task, if you’re with him he pretty much entertains himself. But I’ve always been the roommate who stays in her room. At one point, it was seriously suggested that I, more or less, needed to make an appointment to be there. So I just always default to being here, in my room…maybe I’ll need to change that, squeeze in downstairs or something. I’ve just always taken the loner path, the one of least resistance, and kept to myself.

My car needs inspected this month. I have no clue what that will cost, assuming I’m not required to fix something ridiculous although knowing my luck, I will be.

I’m not speaking to my parents. They were driving me nuts – long story – and as a result, I missed my dog’s original vet appointment as well as applying for welfare. I snapped at them, frustrated that they consider themselves so much more important than everything else in my life, and was told “not to call here no more”. So I don’t. I haven’t spoken to them in almost a week.

I started my TotM yesterday. It began with a bang, too – the worst headache I have ever had in my entire life. I thought my brain was going to explode out of my skull. Now I feel weak, anxious, and crampy which are standard menstrual symptoms for me, although still unpleasant.

I really hope things begin to look up soon. I really hope I have enough money to survive on until I find work. I wish someone would just hire me, please.


April 9th, 2013

I’m feeling very happy today. Despite the terrible situation with my boyfriend’s Grandfather, we pulled together quite nicely in the end. I felt awful seeing him so sad but at the same time, it was just another display of how good his heart truly is. I held his hand when he needed it, met a few family members, and then we went home. We had a bit of a hiccup later in the night but we talked it over and everything is great now. He said, “I think this is just trial and error. That’s what forgiveness is for.” <3

I’m getting to be a lot more comfortable with him. He wants/needs me to be more aggressive about what I want; he doesn’t want me to be afraid. The only thing I’m holding back now is saying three words that I find myself on the verge of blurting out from time to time. I want to make sure that if we say them, we mean them and he doesn’t feel pressured. Now isn’t the time…

On the weight/workout front, not much is happening – yet. I’m still hovering but now I’m hovering closer to 134 so the drop, while slight, is still there. The plan is for my roommates to, quite frankly, kick my ass. Planned is biking to work, jogging during the day when working from home for a few days, rock climbing twice a week, and I think one of my roommates wants to take me to the gym where she’ll probably make me cry. =D

My ex and I have had very little contact lately. I didn’t want to hurt him when I met someone new. I thought, “Why tell him? We’re not friends, there’s no reason to text him out of the blue to make that announcement.”

Naturally, I’m the only one who feels this way because he had no problem texting me out of the blue to say, “I have a girlfriend and she makes me happy.”

He claims it’s because she told him it was the “right thing to do”, that it was right to “stop lying to me”. Moving on is not “lying”, it’s just that – moving on. We weren’t even talking, how was he “lying”? I know what the little tramp was doing, though. She knows he wants me, if I snapped my fingers he’d come running. She’s trying to hurt me and she’s trying to drive a wedge between us so that there is no chance of her losing him to me. As if I’d want him back to begin with. The problem is that even though I don’t want him, her sleeping around with him behind my back for months didn’t do a damn thing – she still can’t get his heart and she never will. Every day he looks at her, he’ll have to think, “This is the girl who helped ruin my relationship, this is the girl who ruined even our friendship.” Yes, he made the choice to cheat but she made the choice to help and every day he misses me, he has to look at her ugly face and know she purposely chose to ignore his existing relationship and is almost as much to blame as he is. He wants me in his life and it was her convincing him to message me that removed even that option.

Him informing me of their relationship was bad because, see, I didn’t know he’s been sleeping with her for over a year, even when we did reconcile in October. He has been sleeping with her for a year and a half off and on and she knew about me a good portion of the time. I didn’t know they were still cheating together until two days ago, I was living in blissful ignorance and had finally moved on. So she knew that telling me would hurt and bad. She also knew he’d suffer for it but didn’t care. What she didn’t expect was my nasty backlash. I sent her a message telling her exactly what I thought of her and I don’t feel bad; not for the well-deserved insults, not for showing her the love letters he’s writing even today, not for a single word. She purposely attempted to cause me harm in a desperate move to get rid of me, even though I haven’t done a single thing wrong. I have kept my distance from him just to keep from hurting him and they both saw fit to come back into my life, bringing all their fucked up problems with them. That…is not okay. He ruined 5 years of my life, it is not okay for him to shove his current relationship’s problems in my face whether they pertain to me or not. It’s not my fault that they are both cheaters, it’s not my fault that they conspired to begin a relationship based on lies, and it’s not my place to help them bear the burden they created for themselves in being so selfish and dishonest.

I’m so angry, so furious that I think writing it all out in letter form is the only thing that might help – that, above, isn’t even half of what I’ve got to say. I got away once, I can do it again. All avenues of communication are now permanently cut. He’s nothing more than a monster to me so, in that respect, he finally found the girl for him – someone just as monstrous on the inside and out.

It doesn’t help that my boyfriend is going through a rough time right now, too. His Grandfather is very ill and he’s behind in homework. His mood has been off since yesterday and when I asked about it today, he said part of him thinks he needs space while another part doesn’t but that he doesn’t want me to think he’s pushing me away. So I told him that as long as we’re still good, I can honor his need for space and that he can reach out for help any time he needs it, day or night. So I guess I’m on my own for the time being.

Here comes the Sun

March 12th, 2013

Some things have changed since my last post.

For starters, I finally saw 134 this morning. I was stuck at 135.X for the longest time and it killed me. I was jogging fairly regularly and watching my calorie intake but my weight just wouldn’t budge. Then I sort of stopped checking, eased up on the jogging, and actually added a small amount of junk food to my diet. My body seems happier that way.

I met someone. We’re “in a relationship” now – as per Facebook – but we still have to settle into the actual role of bf/gf. I think he’s just shy which is okay but I suppose you could say I’m “damaged goods”. I’m afraid he’ll change his mind, that I misunderstood and shouldn’t have changed our status, that he’ll go back to his ex like so many others. But he’s the one who actually made the jump first and we talk every day. I’m just so nervous I’ll do something wrong – that’s the “damaged goods” part. I’ve been kicked around a lot, it’s all I know. But I’m logical enough to know that it’s just fear talking so I play it cool.

Unfortunately, I don’t “play it cool” at night apparently. I tossed and turned and had two nightmares. I finally woke up at 6:30, an hour ahead of time, and now I’m struggling to stay awake. I just hope I settle down soon.

Following my announcement, my roommate and I clashed a bit. When she gets stressed, she sort of goes on the attack. Everything infuriates her and she takes swipes at the people around her. She’s a nice person but she has a mean streak a mile wide. I don’t deal with this very well. Normally, I get upset, sometimes I go to my room and cry; I never speak up. Yesterday was the very first time I ever stood up for myself.

She complained that she couldn’t see his face when she came in and it made her uncomfortable. I said, “You could have turned on the light, we wouldn’t have minded.”

She complained that I met him online; I pointed out that I’d met other dates online, she just didn’t know it.

She complained that I had the living room when she wanted it; I pointed out that I have the living room maybe once or twice a month. Sometimes even less than that.

She argued that I didn’t tell her I had a date; I reminded her that she hadn’t told me of her “online date” with her fiance so I had no way of knowing she wanted the living room herself. Consequently, she was in the same boat I was.

The bottom line is she was in a bad mood and offloaded it onto me by running me down. I told her I don’t like being snapped at and that while I understand she gets stressed, I don’t like her taking it out on me and I don’t know how to react. She didn’t agree with everything I said – she’s usually very stubborn about taking responsibility for herself – but I think I got through to her a little bit. Afterward, we went right back to talking about jogging together so everything is fine but I’m proud that I took a bit of a stand.

I should be seeing my boyfriend – boy, saying that is still strange, it’s been a while – tomorrow evening though. That should cheer me up. =)


March 6th, 2013

I should be fine on my own. For the most part, I am; I’m an introvert by nature. Even as a child, I enjoyed my “me time”. But there are times when I feel so lonely and unloved, it’s painful.

I was basically dumped again earlier this week. The guy said he didn’t know what was wrong, maybe I’m just not his type. It’s not a big deal overall but I don’t seem to be anyone’s type.

I’m repeatedly told that I need to “love myself”. The sad thing is, most of the time, I feel pretty okay. I’ve lost almost 50 pounds, my mile time has decreased from 14 to 13 to pushing through 12 to 11:16 and then to 10:52 last night. I have a full time gig, a cute puppy, my own place with two fairly cool roommates. I have a lot more going for me than some of the guys I’ve gone out with. That’s not me being conceited either, it’s just what it is.

I’m also told that I need to be okay with being alone. Alone is what I’ve mostly been since June of 2011. I’ve dated off and on since then, I’d say maybe a dozen guys in total, but I never once rushed into a relationship. To date, I’ve still only had one boyfriend.

Frankly, I feel empty. Like a nothing. A wisp of smoke. I don’t drink a lot so I don’t relate to most guys I meet. I game some but not as much as them. I jog and either I’m slower or they don’t work out hardly at all. I read, but either more or not as much as them. I’m a goofball but not as quick to open up. My hobbies – which now look flimsy and really just like unproductive wastes of time – are nothing.

I feel like I need to pick another hobby and stick with it. Something I have always wanted to do and can be proud to talk about.

I also feel like I need a break from the gym. In the past several days, I’ve gone almost every evening. My weight isn’t moving, actually it’s up, so I feel downtrodden.

I just need a breather from everything that’s upsetting me.