I find myself still struggling to cope with the stressful nature of my situation. Yesterday, I was quite upset that I felt I was starving myself and for no good reason. Then, I looked at my bank account…I have less than 3 months’ rent. Unemployment hasn’t gotten back to me in two weeks – I called but that was pointless, I have no clue if they are going to approve me or not and it’s been almost 2 months since I lost my job – and my welfare appointment isn’t until the 19th. I feel somewhat ashamed to have to say I’m signing up for welfare but the job interview I was counting on having today was moved, yet again, this time to next week. I need help of some kind so badly. I don’t want to be on unemployment or welfare but I’m afraid to eat at this point and I’m not having a lot of luck with jobs. Actually, I’m not having any luck at all. People are either afraid to hire me because my resume gives the impression I won’t stay long term or I’m under-qualified, even for the most mundane positions that I know I could fill in my sleep.

My weight has also been a source of pain. If you look at my Weigh-Ins page, I’m obviously maintaining. Since early March, I’ve hovered in the same spot which is around 134/135. I used to be content with this, it’s almost a full 50 pound loss. Then I looked in the mirror one day and wasn’t so content anymore. All I see are thick thighs and, worst of all, a terribly flabby stomach. It’s where I store most of my weight. Even at 133, my lowest weight thus far, it hangs; that’s how much fat is there. My boyfriend even thought it might have been loose skin when we met. He’s a good man though, he said, “I want to ask you something but I want you to understand that I love you no matter what”. I told him it’s just where I store fat, which didn’t bother him. But it bothers me.

I feel like I’m barely eating. I feel like I should be consuming more food. But I’m watching my calories and I guess, by that estimate, I shouldn’t be. I read that I need to allow my body to adjust to the lower calorie count and maybe that’s true. I’ll keep with it for a week or so and see what happens. My 25th birthday is in exactly 8 weeks. If I lose one pound a week, that puts me well into the 120s. I’ll just need to maintain a lower calorie count and really monitor what my body is doing when I try different things. For example, my weight was up the two days I did strength training. I took yesterday off and ate a lot less. Then today my weight dropped down to 134.6 after having hit a high of 137 four days ago. So I’m thinking I’ll try this weekly routine: legs + core, arms + core, rest, cardio, legs + core, arms + core, rest and see if I continually drop on the day I rest and do cardio, which isn’t that hard on me at this point unless I push myself.

I was going to begin rock climbing today but I think I’m canceling. It’s cheap, all things considered – $23 for 11 weeks – but I’d need shoes. That costs $3 a day, every day I don’t invest in my own, which I can’t right now. It’s disappointing and I feel depressed. My roommate, who was also laid off, got unemployment with no problem. She’s going but here I sit, watching my bank account drain, with no job offers and no kind of financial aid whatsoever. The more I think about it, the madder I get. I’m trying, I really am. What happened to this country being the land of opportunity? What happened to those who need help, receiving help? I haven’t had one chance to work and haven’t been given a single dollar in almost two months. I don’t mean to whine, but I know people who stayed on unemployment for as long as they could with no intention of actually working again. And here I am, crying because I can’t find anything, but apparently undeserving of even a second thought.

I’m trying to keep myself going, trying to stay strong, but I’m having a bad week.

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