Is this beginning to look like a pattern here?

Posted by lettucelose on December 8th, 2011 |Filed Under Slow Starts & Relapses | 22 Comments

Week of April 22, 2011:

Good Friday-

have you seen this DVD?…FYS8KgodR0MVHw
It’s by a physical therapist and I suspect is no different than the standard exercises one would get from a PT, but I find them easier to do when I’m following a DVD. I’ve found it very helpful, although I haven’t had problems as serious as yours.

Well, I really overshot my sodium yesterday which probably wouldn’t have mattered all that much if I had stayed within my calorie range. For awhile there, I thought my lack of weight lose could be solely attributed to not drinking enough water and/or too much sodium but the bottom line is simply: “Calories In, Calories Out”. Nothing magical about that!

I finished the first “preparatory” week of Beck’s Diet Solution last night. I have made 1 ARC and 2 Response Cards to be read as frequently as I need to. I have set in place a primary diet and a back-up secondary one: my primary one is BLC and my secondary is South Beach since I feel that I learned a lot from following that and much of what I learned in 2008-2010 I still practice today. I have determined the “Advantages of Losing Weight” (ARC card) to be primarily health-related: I do not need anyone to convince me that full blown diabetes is looming ahead if I don’t practice eating healthy, exercising and, eventually, losing the extra weight. The “vanity” part is gravy. My Response cards are ones I identified as what I need to do to ensure that I have the “tools” to lose weight and then keep it off. For me, it has always been about losing weight since I have found that part of the equation the most difficult to “carry out”.

What I will be practicing from here on out is to: eat slowly especially foods I have a tendency to “gobble” (mostly sweets), eat no more than 1 servings of fruit per setting if possible and no more than 3 per day, 4+ servings of vegetables per day, drink at least 64-80 oz water each day, break up my meals into 3 meals plus two snacks when possible, record and pre-plan my meals daily, using smaller plates when I am able to help me “feel” like I am eating more and also to train my eye to know what a “normal” portion or serving looks like. Yesterday’s task was to “arrange my environment” to ensure success as I diet. I agreed to make homemade fudge so I asked Paul if he would be willing to have it out in the car.

I have been alternating between getting “one chocolate bar vs the whole bag”. It still has been difficult to just eat one serving. Most of those candy bars are 2.5 servings which ends up being 200-475 calories! I just might not be able to buy any of those period because once I open the package, I just seem to keep on going. This is a major stumbling block for me to successfully lose and keep the weight off. I would like to believe that I can exert more self-control but when it comes to sweets but especially when I am home I don’t want to eat just one. I want to eat as many and as much as I want until I am full. I am very willful when it comes to this. I would probably be the same way when we are eating out but I am more aware of how that might be perceived plus I also am trying harder to exert more self-control. I think this is really crucial that I have identified this thought and belief of mine.

I have looked ahead in this book and I am coming to one of the important points in her program: No Choice. Although I haven’t read the whole chapter yet (I’m working this book as she strongly recommends, one day at a time) my understanding is that you make a decision to not stray from your food plan “no matter what”. Since, I have done that so many times, this one action might be the key that turns my lackluster dieting efforts into some serious weight lose.  What that will mean for me is that there is no “off time” for my dieting. I am dieting all the time, day in and day out, whether it is a birthday, holiday or every day.

If there is pizza, then I will eat 1-2 pieces tops. If there is only a choice between regular soda and water, I will choose water. There will not be eating “just cuz”. I will diet according to my food plan until I have reached my goal weight of 140 lbs. I haven’t dieted like that in decades! Not since I was following Nutri System. It explains alot about why I have remained obese all of these years. It also explains that until I really draw that line that can’t be crossed permanent weight lose will probably elude me. Wow! What a revelation!

Today is Good Friday and it is 3 meals only with 2 being smaller ones and no snacks. It is this kind of discipline that I need to exhibit for the next 15-16 months. I finally “get” what all of these experts and fellow dieters have been saying. It finally sunk in. Right now, I feel rather foolish about it all. I have been deluding myself all along. I wasn’t dieting. I was talking about dieting. I wasn’t doing. I was trying which is really not doing. I think of how I must have come across early on to some of these “Beckies”. OY! It was like I was almost flaunting the fact that I was eating cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, etc. I was the Emperor who was butt-naked but thought I was finely clothed. Right!

Right now, I am in a good place. I don’t know if it is the weather or if it is the “dawn after the darkness” but I feel good finishing up Lent. March was particularly dark for me both emotionally and psychologically. Ideally, I hope I never revisit that place where I was at. It was a particularly stressful month. We met the fundraising goal for P’s walk I talked him into even though it was at the expense of us being short for April’s rent. It is crazy that, in our present financial circumstances, we gave a non-profit organization $725!! Good cause or not; we are in no financial position to be doing some like that but we made a pledge and we honored it. It was alms giving to the nth degree!

Well, once again, Easter was a “bust” for me. I now wish I would have gone to the Easter Vigil Mass and I could have, at least, said that I attended a Easter service. I was up all night/early morning on Easter with all of my affected joints bothering me. I thought that was bad but it was nothing what last night was. That was even worse. At least, I could sleep after 3 am on Easter morning but last night I got up and down, continuing to take more and more Tylenol PM until I finally fell asleep around 6:30 am. I didn’t get up until 1:30 pm though. I washed and styled my hair. When P got home from work I suggested that we go to GC instead of my follow up eye appointment. I think both of us were disappointed that we didn’t go anywhere for Easter. I think P was half expecting turkey and ham there although it seems Monday night is barbeque since everything was either chicken or pork barbequed. Afterwards, we came home and watched a lot of “Family Guy” episodes. I think between the good food and the silliness of  the programs, we both relaxed enough and we went to bed at the same time. There was intermittent thunderstorms throughout the day and night. So, it actually ended up being a pleasant evening to end a very disruptive couple of days for me.

Last night I slept a lot better but once I actually “settled down” to starting a new day, I began to feel blue. We are facing the same scenario that we were at the end of March. I sort of thought that would happen but I think both of us were just hoping that we wouldn’t be. This past month has been one of the slowest months P has had for several months in a row, none of which have been very good except for an odd week here and there. This past weekend we talked some about what our options might be. P has wanted C to tell him where he stands but I have a feeling that even they aren’t quite sure how things will go in the upcoming months. We spoke over the phone today while he is wrapping up. He was told that he has no more work for the remainder of this week. Well, that is good to know but it also makes some decisions both harder and easier to make as a result. He has been earning just enough to collect unemployment and on the same hand build up monies so he can continue to collect unemployment. I would compare this to seasonal workers.  We’re not accustomed to living this way so this has been quite an adjustment. Both of us just plain hate the uncertainty of this all. Somehow  the saying that “the more things change the more things remain the same”applies to our lives the past year.

I actually think the way we have been approaching this period of uncertainty has been the best way overall. We have remained in the same apartment complex, renewing our lease at the least amount of months as possible. We have a competitively low(er) rent than other places. It has also given us a sense of stability which has been important. We have lived in this particular apartment three years. It’s hard to believe because so much has happened during that time; Mom getting sick  then dying and both of us losing our jobs.  We made the right decision to stay here in this apartment.

Here I am coming up on the first time that I joined BLC back in June 2010 and I haven’t lost any more weight since last July.  I will say that I am still hopeful though because of the prep work that I am doing with the “Beck Diet Solution”. Although, a “face off” will be coming up soon as I finish the prep work and actually truly begin applying what I am learning and setting the stage for.


Well, I haven’t been journaling much lately because I have been spending hours and hours playing online games. How unproductive is that! I have been following the BDS book day by day and reporting what I am doing to my BDS support group. I have noticed that others are at different levels of applying the techniques or some not at all. Well, considering that I have been with this group since early February and I have gone up and down the scales, I am no one to talk. This coming Friday (two days from now) will be when I put all of this prep work to task and begin what I hope will be the “last diet” I am ever on. I hope so. I am so sick of thinking that I know what I am doing only to find out that I am not. I do think what might be the one thing that will turn things around for me will be “No Choice” kind of thinking; which means for me is that at times I may want to abort my diet for food that may mess with my progress.

I feel what I can compare this to is when I managed to steer our finances from the brink of disaster to “treading water” in very difficult circumstances is noteworthy. There were times when we thought we would never get that car paid off. Last year we got P some really quality dress clothes, helped both A and T out financially so they could get through some “tough times”, pay on car repairs, get a new washer and me new eyeglasses. Even more important we got Pl much needed business cards, paid his annual guild dues and we paid off 4 “old” credit cards. I am also happy that I am still trying to find ways to reduce our expenditures. I am really looking forward to both gardening and attending this “Couponing 101” class. I am really hoping that we can begin reducing our grocery bill significantly. Besides saving money, I also hope it will mean we will get more for our money and we will actually be able to eat “better” as a result. Money saved at the grocery store will “allow” us to pay off  other bills. If we can do that given the “breaks” we were given, I am sure hoping that I can do that with my weight.

If I really stick to a reduced calorie food plan for the next 15-16 months, I will realize my long held goal of being 140 lbs and an ideal BMI of 22%. I am afraid that I will really screw up or lack motivation. Hopefully, all of these cards that I have made will help me refocus when I lose my “reason” for doing what I know I need to do. I am beginning to have more faith in myself though.
In the past couple of days one of the “experiments” we were suppose to attempt was to “Hunger Tolerance”. I have shared with this group that I am pre-diabetic. After I posted about this Day’s “lesson”, I decided that I would try the “Hunger Tolerance” and just see how long I could “last”.

I took my blood glucose a couple of hours ago and it was 118 mg/dl. That is high. It should be in the 90s. I had a huge supper last night: 2 big plateful of spaghetti with meat and sauce and two large pieces of garlic cheese bread with added mozzarella cheese. Then, about two hours after that I had a medium-sized bowl of popcorn and one Kit Kat candy bar. I think I ended up having 4000 calories yesterday. It is 4 pm right now and I am mildly hungry. I took my blood glucose at 4:45 pm. I was beginning to feel slightly shaky. It was 105 mg/dl. I had a repeat of last night’s supper but I did not eat anything else the entire day. I would say that this shows that I can tolerate hunger well. However, will I say the same thing when I am eating half of what I ate yesterday? I do remember going to bed often feeling very hungry last summer.

Well, I did Day 12  which is dealing with cravings. As I have often said, my cravings are very specific. For me, the best line of defense is eating very healthy meaning eating those 3-4 servings of fruit and 4-6 servings of vegetables every day. The main thing is for me not to “cave in” and ask Paul to pick me up something chocolate. Then, I get myself in trouble. Another place where I really have a hard time eating healthy is when we decide to stop by McDonald’s. Almost always I order a value meal which means french fries, a burger and soft drink. Now, there are other choices there but I just am not familiar enough with their menu so I’m like a deer in head lights. I just freeze. So, until I have a clear cut strategy of how to handle fast food restaurants, I probably shouldn’t go to them.

Tomorrow, we are going to eat at COB. It will be my last not-counting meal I will have from now on. There is a section on “special occasions” in about 75 pgs in the book. Since this is a quick read, I hope that by the time I eat out again I will know exactly what I should do. What I have been doing is allowing myself to choose carefully but still eat around 1100-1300 calories both at GC and CO. The “coach” of BDS said he thought you could eat 200+ calories over what you normally eat. I was thinking that I could also combine one meal and a snack which would be about that. Even so, that is not a lot to eat at either of these restaurants. I could “solve” that problem by not eating out as much or when I am there remind myself what my end goal is and how important it is that I make good choices when I am eating out. Maybe, a combination of both will be the best way for me. Initially, I know I am going to feel “cheated” and I will feel like we aren’t getting our money’s worth but maybe I can find some creative ways to mix low calorie foods at both restaurants so I feel like I had a large meal and was able to enjoy some favorites.

Afterwards, we are going to plant our garden. We have a deadline of May 1st. Considering it seems like we just got the plot, that deadline has crept up on us. Once it is planted though, it will be exciting to go and check on it and see how things are growing. I am just so glad that I pushed for us to do this. I really look forward to fresh produce for pennies. I know that P  will be “sold” the first time he brings home to eat something from our garden. I hope that some of the other people will share some of their produce. I know I’d be willing depending on how much comes up. It would be a great way to try some new things to eat.

Well, last night I awoke almost every 45 minutes to go to the bathroom. I must have really released a lot of sodium-induced water bloat because around 8 am I had a horrible cramp in my left calf. I only get those if I have lost 3-4 lbs of “water weight”. The “good news” is that it is gone. The “bad news” is that those Charlie horses are pretty painful. I was preoccupied thinking about how we are going to make next month’s rent.

[Note: I have been keeping a ongoing private journal separately from this diet blog which I am now incorporating some of that material into this blog. Dates written are actual although published at a much later date.]


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