Flailing about

Been away for a little over a week since my mom is here.  It’s been rather stressful taking her around and living for two since she is 99% helpless in a Japanese-speaking world, and I have not really been kind to my body.  Still feeling depressed over my injuries (or rather, blaming them for being depressed in general?) and stuffing it down with sugar.  I weighed this morning after being sure I had gained all the way up to 62+ kg and saw 60.5 kg.  Got to work and opened a care package and scarfed down over 1000 calories worth of junk food. 

I sound like a broken record, but I want “off” the dieting mindset but I can’t trust myself enough to eat intuitively.  My intuition is broken.  I read blogs all day today about beautiful women who have beaten disordered eating and compulsive overeating and diet obsession, replacing constant worries about food with enjoyment of life.  I see-saw daily about whether it is better to be thin or healthy.  Thin always wins, but thin is an unhealthy mindset.  “Fat” and “thin” shouldn’t even be part of the equation.  I am “sick” now and I want to get “well.”  That should be the new goal. 

Pretty sure these canker sores are from sugar.  I’d like to break that addiction, too. 

One Response to “Flailing about”

  1. It’s hard not to sound like a broken record because it’s hard to get into the mindset that this is LIFE and not a diet. We are all guilty of it. It takes time and the first thing you have to do is stop beating yourself up and make small changes. It really is true that those changes add up over time. But you have to let go of the guilt. Guilt gets you NO WHERE. The best thing you can do is throw that diet out the window and commit yourself to a healthier lifestyle. Yes, you’re going to struggle — we all do. But you CAN do it. Just acknowledge that sometimes you’re going to eat horrible but yummy food and that’s ok and get back to the good stuff either the next meal or the next day. When you start to do that, it will be easier to say, have that piece of cake one day and then eat a healthy meal because it’s no longer a ‘cheat’ on your diet but just a yummy treat in your healthy eating. Good luck and don’t give up on yourself!

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